Before Jamaica Lane (27 page)

Determined to convince everyone I was okay, I spent the next ten days going through the motions. I got up, I got dressed, I went to work, I smiled when I was supposed to, laughed when it was required, was serious when seriousness was appropriate, and hoped to God that my pretense was working. The truth was I felt as lost as ever without Nate, and I was scared and angry with myself. I was terrified that I was never going to find my way back to who I used to be. I felt like I’d lost a limb and hadn’t quite come to terms with it and how different my life would be from now on.

So in pretending otherwise, I felt less of a whiny coward.

Maybe things would have been easier if Nate had given up like I’d asked him to.

But he insisted on calling.

I ignored him, and along with him I ignored Jo. Kind of. I talked on the phone with her, as I did with all my friends and family, but after they’d set me up (and I knew that they’d all been involved in getting me and Nate alone that day) I didn’t trust them not to try it again. So I was avoiding spending any actual time with them.

Four days after the party I’d turned the corner onto
Jamaica Lane and spied Nate sitting on my stoop, his head bent as he stared at the ground. I’d fled before he saw me, going to my dad’s, the one person I trusted not to try to set me up again.

Under the pretense of indifference I felt my anger begin to build again. Why couldn’t Nate just leave well enough alone? He’d heard what I had to say and he couldn’t argue with it.

Thankfully, by the seventh day of avoidance Nate seemed to get the picture and the calls stopped. All was quiet for a few days, while I attempted to get my head together. I buried myself in work, doing overtime since the library was chock-full of students preparing for their exams. Ben came into the reserve section and we talked amiably, but I didn’t let on that I hadn’t chosen Nate. I didn’t let on because not choosing Nate didn’t mean I was choosing Ben.

I was choosing me.

And me needed some peace and quiet, away from any potential added heartbreak.

As I stood at the quiet help desk, sorting mail while I wasn’t busy, my brain was determinedly ignoring any Nate-like thoughts. I had a whole life outside of Nate. Concentrating on that should be a cakewalk.

Or so you’d think.

‘Olivia’ – Angus hurried toward me, a stack of files in his hand – ‘can you do me a favor?’

‘Anything,’ I said a little desperately, eager for distraction.

He gave me a concerned look but didn’t comment. ‘There’s a … situation in one of the accessible rooms. Room five. Can you handle it, please? I’m snowed under.’ He raised the files in explanation.

I wrinkled my nose. ‘Another situation.’ I shook my head, rounding the help desk. ‘Why can’t they just keep it in their pants?’

Angus grunted and shuffled past me.

Bracing myself, I threw back my shoulders and hurried up the stairs, brushing past the busy throng until I got to the first floor. You would think during exam period these kids would have more pressing things on their minds, but oh no, sex was never off the table.

Literally, in this case.

Sucking in my breath, I threw open room five and charged in.

I hit an invisible wall, my body tensing at the sight of Nate leaning against the table, his arms crossed over his chest, his ankles crossed casually.

The door slammed shut behind me, jerking me out of my stupor.

‘What are you doing here?’ I demanded, my hands clenching into fists at my sides.

‘Angus helped me out.’

That traitor!
‘Oh, he is
so
off the Christmas list,’ I fumed.

Nate’s lips twitched. ‘Don’t do anything drastic. I was quite persuasive. The poor guy couldn’t help himself.’

‘Oh, I’m sure.’ Angus had probably melted under
Nate’s warm, chocolaty gaze. ‘Now if you don’t mind, you need to leave.’ I gestured to the door, trying not to visibly shake. I felt like I hadn’t seen him in a hundred years and I did not like the warm fuzzies I was getting in my stomach from just being in his presence.

‘I can’t. I need to explain something first.’ He stood up and to my utter shock he began to pull his T-shirt up and off.

‘What are you doing?’ I snapped, reaching forward to stop him, until my eyes caught sight of his tattoo.

My heart began to thud. Loudly.

His eyes never leaving me, Nate dumped his T-shirt on the desk. ‘I made the change to the tattoo a few weeks ago. What you said during our breakup … it got inside me, Liv. I’ve had a lot of time to think, to process. To move on. And this’ – he gestured to the tat – ‘I wanted to talk to you about it, what it means, since the day I got it.’

The stylized ‘A’ on his chest had been expanded to the word ‘After.’

A lump the size of Mexico formed in my throat.

Nate took a step toward me, his gaze intense, raw, and his words were low and rough with emotion as he said, ‘Before you, there was Alana. I can’t change that, Liv, and I don’t want to. She was my first love. It was a simpler kind of love. It was the love of two children.’ He searched my face, apparently trying to gauge my reaction to this, but I was stupefied. Nate continued quietly, ‘I always thought that I kept a distance from
women because I knew I’d never be able to love someone the way I loved her. I was wrong. I kept my distance because I was afraid of finding the kind of love my parents have, and I was afraid of what it would do to me if I lost that kind of love.’ He took another step toward me and with each step he stole another breath from me. ‘I never meant to fall in love with you. But I did. I felt it the first night I made love to you. I tried to walk away then because I’ve never felt so lost and yet so fucking found as I felt that night looking into your eyes as I moved inside you. I thought I should walk away … but I couldn’t stay away from you.’ He smiled. ‘Totally fucking addicted at the first taste of you. I’m so sorry I put you through hell. I’m sorry I was selfish. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt what you knew was between us from the start. Because it
has
been there since we met, Liv. The sex lessons just pushed it to the fore. Since we met, I’ve enjoyed being around you more than anyone else. I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me – the real me. When something goes wrong, or right, or I hear a funny joke, or I see something bizarre, you’re the first person I want to talk to about it. Fuel all that with the best fucking sex I’ve ever had in my life, and it’s no wonder I’m a goner.’ His voice deepened again as he took one last step toward me. ‘I want you all the time, Olivia. The past few weeks have been torture without you. And despite what you might still think, I promise there has been no one else. How could there ever be?’

I didn’t even realize I was crying until he cupped my face to catch my tears on his thumb.

‘Alana was my first love and I’ll never forget her. She’s a part of me and always will be. But I know it’s time to move forward, it’s time to start living in the after. You’re that for me, Liv. You’re the love of my life.’

The sob burst forth before I could stop it and Nate caught me, leaning his forehead against mine as he rubbed his hands soothingly down my arms.

‘Please, Liv. Please tell me what I need to do to make sure you believe that.’

I swallowed, trying to calm the ache in my chest that was causing the sobs. Sucking in a deep breath, I gazed down at his chest and gently touched the new tattoo.

After

I tilted my head back to give him a watery smile. ‘You’ve already done it.’

Nate’s arms slid around me, his head dipping so he could growl against my lips, ‘I love you so fucking much.’

My heart jumped and I closed my eyes in pure relief. ‘I love you, too.’

He kissed me.

Hard.

And I clung on for dear life.

We stumbled back against the table as we kissed each other as if it were the last time we’d get the chance. Turning us, Nate lifted me onto the table without breaking our connection and I immediately wrapped
my legs around him, urging him closer. My hands pressed deep into the muscles in his back as he gripped my hips. I sucked on his tongue and felt his answering hard-on nudge insistently between my legs.

A loud burst of laughter from outside managed to force its way between us, and I jerked back, shaking my head dazedly. ‘We can’t,’ I panted breathlessly. ‘Not here. Do you know how many students have gotten up to no good on this table?’

His eyes bright with lust, color high on his cheeks, Nate looked a little nonplussed at first as he gazed past me to said table. Finally, he lifted his hopeful gaze. ‘My place is a five-minute walk from here.’

Surprise shot through me and I smiled slowly. ‘I’ve never seen your place.’

Tenderness softened Nate’s expression as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘I’d really like you to see it now, babe.’

I bit my lip, musing over it. I didn’t muse long. ‘Angus does owe me some vacation time. I’m sure he won’t mind me taking a half day.’

Nate’s hand was warm and strong in mine, and since his strides were eating concrete I had no choice but to hurry along with him or have my arm pulled out of the socket.

After Angus grinned knowingly at my half-day request and then quickly granted it, Nate had grabbed my hand and hauled ass out of the library. Without
saying one word he pulled me along with him over the Meadows and into Marchmont.

I was now being ushered up the stairs in his building at super speed. On the second floor, without letting go of my hand, I might add, Nate dug his keys out of his pocket, opened the shiny black door one-handed and dragged me inside.

Before I could take anything in, Nate was blocking my view, slamming the door shut over my shoulder a second before crushing his mouth down on mine and pushing me up against the wall.

I caught on fire pretty fast.

I salivated over the feel of his bristly stubble against my cheek, his tongue teasing mine, his soft hair drifting over my fingers as I clenched them in it in an effort to fuse myself to him. Nate pulled back to rip his shirt off and then he reached for mine.

Helpfully I lifted my arms and I was soon divested of my T-shirt.

My bra was gone seconds later.

A pleasured whimper fell from my lips when Nate wrapped his mouth around one nipple, laving and sucking it with his tongue while he pinched the other between his finger and thumb. I closed my eyes, arching against his mouth, clutching his head to my chest in sheer sexual delight.

‘I’ve missed you so much,’ I gasped as arousal coursed between my legs.

My words brought Nate’s head up and he was kissing
my mouth again before trailing hot, openmouthed kisses down my neck. I jerked in delighted surprise at the touch of his fingertips on my sex. He rubbed me through the fabric of my pants and I moaned his name, pushing my hips into the contact.

‘I almost came out of my skin,’ Nate suddenly said, his voice cracking with sexual anticipation, ‘when you first asked me to teach you … when you asked me to fuck you.’ He groaned and dropped his head against the crook of my neck as he continued to rub me torturously. ‘It took every ounce of willpower I had not to grab your hand, haul you up to your flat, and fuck you until we both died of exhaustion.’

‘Seriously?’ I panted, my hands sliding down his warm, naked back to clutch his hips, to draw him closer.

‘Seriously.’ He lifted his head to stare into my eyes and I almost climaxed at the expression on his face. Nate
wanted
me. Like, seriously, seriously
wanted
me. ‘It was the excuse I’d been waiting for, for nine months.’

Our heavy breathing mingled for a highly charged moment, and then I reached up and kissed him. I kissed him with every ounce of love I had in me. Pulling back, we both panted a little as I cupped his face with my hands and let down every single defense I had. My soul was in my eyes, and I knew the moment Nate felt it because his grip on my waist tightened. ‘No one,’ I whispered, my lips trembling with the emotion, ‘has ever made me feel like the person I’ve always wanted to be until you. You make me feel beautiful, Nate. All the
way through. No one else has ever given me that. No one.’

‘I’m glad,’ he murmured against my mouth. ‘Not just because you deserve to feel that way … but because it makes you mine.’

‘Nate …’ I shivered at the possessive purr in his voice.

‘You’re going to scream that for me tonight.’ He brushed his lips gently over my mouth as his fingers worked the zipper on my pants. ‘You’re going to scream that you’re mine.’ His hand slipped inside, his fingers pressing beneath my panties and pushing gently in.

I arched into his touch, sighing. ‘Come inside me,’ I begged. ‘I’ve missed you inside me.’

‘I am inside you,’ he answered, teasing me as he added another finger.

I groaned at the fullness but despite the pleasure, it wasn’t enough. ‘Not … I want your cock. I want your cock inside me. And I want it deep. So deep, Nate.’

He crushed my mouth beneath his, his kiss as uncontrolled as his movements as he pushed my pants down until they fell to the floor. We broke apart just long enough for me to toe off my shoes, divest myself of the pants and my panties. I felt an indecent ripple of arousal wash over me at Nate’s reaction to the sight of me naked and trembling with anticipation against his wall.

‘Fuck.’ He stopped, his hands on the zipper of his jeans as his eyes washed over me. ‘Do you know how insanely sexy you look right now?’

His expression was hot, and it turned me on to the point of combustion, so suffice it to say I was done being stared at. I wanted to be taken. ‘Nate, hurry.’

Burning eyes drinking me in, Nate slowly unbuttoned his jeans as his chest rose and fell rapidly. ‘Say it again. Say it standing there with your legs spread, waiting for me.’

The flush of self-consciousness I felt under his perusal was more than eaten up by how excited I was. I was soaked. ‘Say what?’

His lip curled at the corner. ‘You know what, babe.’

Dirty. Nate liked it dirty.

Who was I kidding? We
both loved
it dirty.

Shoulder blades pressed against the wall, my breasts heaving with breathlessness, I widened my stance, causing Nate’s nostrils to flare. ‘I want your thick, hard cock inside of me now and I want you to fuck me against this wall until we can’t breathe.’