Behind His Lens (24 page)

“Oh really, Ms. forgets-to-eat, knows how to cook?”

“Hey! When I remember, I’m pretty good at making a few recipes. My chicken salad is really good
. I add tarragon, cranberries, and toasted walnuts. It’s addicting.”

“Sounds like it would be.”

The sun keeps sliding down, painting the sky in hues of orange and red as we dive into our meal. The photo shoot wore me out and I know I could have fallen asleep in an instant if I’d stayed in my hotel room, but I didn’t want to miss this moment. The tropical air swirls around us, picking up strands of Charley’s hair and blowing them past her face. She tips her head up and closes her eyes briefly, accepting the soft caresses.

“Cheers to your first Hawaiian sunset, Charley.” I tip my bottled water toward hers, breaking the silence.

“Hopefully there will be many more,” she muses before taking another bite and reclining on her hands to take in the view.

“Can I ask when your last relationship was?” I know my question startles her because she sits up and furrows her brow for a moment before catching herself.

“Oh, um, it’s been quite a while. Sort of an embarrassingly long time.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not as if I have anything to boast about.”

“Well, it’s kind of complicated,” she starts, and I angle toward her a bit to let her know I’m listening.

“Hudson was my last
long-term relationship, although interacting with him now makes me wonder what we even used to talk about. I guess we had more in common back then? Or maybe we’ve both changed a lot?” She rambles on for a moment, drawing on old memories. “I tried to date a guy my freshman year in college but it didn’t work out. My heart wasn’t in it and I ended things pretty quick.”

She squints her eyes toward the
setting sun and takes a deep breath.

“
Ever since then, I’ve just kind of floated around. I’ve been on a few dates here and there, but nothing past that.” She shrugs. “Is that how it was for you?”

Oh, how I wish it was. “Not exactly. I didn’t date women when I got back to
New York. I never even considered it until…” Too soon. “Anyway, no. I used women and they used me, it was as simple as that. I never offered anything I didn’t intend on fulfilling.”

I expect her to recoil from my declaration
, but when I glance over, she’s nodding slowly, methodically. “I honestly thought about doing the same thing,” she mutters, and my heart splinters. The idea of a man using her for
anything
makes my blood boil.

“I mean, I haven’t had sex in a long time,” she glances over at me with a sheepish grin, “like a long, long time. There were moments when I wanted to cave, but I didn’t think I’d be good at it. It’s not that I would get attached or anything. I’m actually good at remaining unattached; I just didn’t think it would be good for my self-esteem.”

Her words sound steadied and focused. She’s more self-aware than I was at twenty-three, and once again I find myself wondering what kind of life experiences pushed her toward such wisdom. “Why, Charley?” I’m not even sure what I’m asking, but I want her to keep talking.

My question jars her
one step too far though. Her eyes are a deep, stormy blue one second, and then she blinks and they’re crystalline once again. I know I’ve lost the moment.

“Why were you upset with me at the photo shoot today?” she asks
, furrowing her brow. Her question forces me into an ultimatum: either I answer and let her hide away from her demons, or I don’t and I push her, maybe past a tipping point. I want to push her, I want to provoke her to reveal her true feelings, but I’ve learned my lesson before and tonight doesn’t feel like the right time. When will there be a right time? Fuck. I push my subconscious aside and inhale deeply, catching a whiff of her vanilla scent teaming with the island breeze. It’s a heady mixture and it soothes my unease just enough so that I can answer her question in a semi-normal tone.

“I feel slightly ridiculous saying it now,” I admit
gruffly.

“I’m sure it wasn’t ridiculous at the time,” she murmurs timidly
, and her words undo me. Even if she can’t be honest with me, I can’t keep my words from spilling out for her.

Have I talked this much about my feelings since I got back from overseas and was forced to do it three times a week? No.

“I hated being helpless,” I begin with a reluctant sigh. “I hated watching you seduce the camera, seduce Ryan, seduce the future readers of the magazine, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. In fact, I had to push you further— when in reality, I don’t want you seducing anyone or anything other than me.” Brutal honesty spills from my mouth and now that I’ve started I want to get it all out. “I want everyone to know that you belong to me. Ryan was flirting with you on set and I wanted to deck him. I’ve never cared about a model before. Hell, I’ve barely paid attention to them at all, but you set my world on fire and now there’s no going back to the way it used to be.”

I drag a hand across my stubble, hearing her unsteady inhales. Good, at least my words are affecting her. “It was torture watching you tug down that bikini bottom. I don’t want anyone fantasizing about you the way that I do.”

“You fantasize about me?” her soft voice chirps, and without my permission, my face splits into a grin. I turn toward her and unlock my hands so that I can inch closer.

“Every minute of every day since I met you, Charley.”

She doesn’t look away from the ocean. Her teeth tug on her bottom lip and she wrings her hands nervously. “You drive me insane, Jude.”

I inch closer
, willing her to open up for me. “I like
driving
you, Charley. I don’t care if we both go insane, as long as you stop fighting me. Let me in.”

“Don’t you understand?” she storms. “For the past two weeks I
haven’t
been letting you in.” She sweeps a hand angrily across the blanket for emphasis. “You’ve been bulldozing through every wall I’ve subconsciously built around my life. And I hate it. It makes me feel, it makes me uncomfortable and even sad at times. But then it feels fucking amazing. Like I’m not numb,” she says, reaching for my hand and tugging it against her heart. It’s beating so fast, like a hummingbird’s, and I sit frozen waiting for her to finish. “You deliver a shock of energy to my heart every time you’re around.”

I watch a tear slip down her cheek to rest on her pretty pink lips.

“I hate it. I hate it,” she repeats until my lips are on hers and I’m muffling her passion with my own. Our kiss is different than anything I’ve experienced; it’s alive and greedy as we attack one another, trying to express conflicting emotions: love and hate. She’s trying to use her nails, her biting teeth, and the hard yanks of my hair to prove her hate, but she doesn’t realize how transparent her actions are. Because that’s the thing. Charley wants me to run; it’ll be easier for her that way. But I’m not giving up. I’ll never let her feel numb again.

With quick movements
, I tug off my shirt and her clothes, pick her up, and carry her toward the water. All the while keeping our mouths sealed together.

Charley

His words wreck me. Brutal honestly is not something I’m used to dealing with, and he says eve
rything like it’s so cut and dried. I can’t just accept him into my life; I don’t even think that’s possible anymore. But he doesn’t shy away from the challenge. He’s carrying us into the water as I wrap my legs around his firm waist. Even if words aren’t feasible at the moment, I’m pouring my emotions into each tug of hair, each nip of my teeth on his lips, and he’s responding like a hunter: quick and feral and hungry.

He carries me like I’m a rag doll, barely exerting any effort as he drags us deeper into the water. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know the sun’s going down and that we shouldn’t go out too far, but I trust Jude.

Water laps around us as we go deeper and deeper. It inches up my calves and thighs, finally coming to rest at my waist so that both of our lower bodies are concealed by glassy water. It seals our bodies tighter, wrapping us in serene layers of salt, sand, and lust. My mind doesn’t even register the temperature, not when I have Jude’s warm body pressed against my thighs, overwhelming my equilibrium. Oh God. My hands run down his chest, trying to commit each sinewy line of muscle to memory. It’s impossible though. His body is a work of art; one that would take years to memorize.

I tilt my head back, breaking our kiss and capturing a sliver of my sanity again. My eyes scour over him, adding another sense to my exploration of his body. Even his torso is a shade darker than when I saw hi
m playing soccer the other day. I wonder if he took his shirt off after I left the photo shoot.

“What are you doing?” he asks, tightening his hold on the back of my thighs. His fingers are just c
lose enough to the edge of my bikini bottom that my toes curl in response.

“Looking at you,” I explain simply, tracing down his broad shoulders to wrap my hands around his hard, muscled arms. My fingers don’t even come close to wrapping around his bicep
, and I can see his amusement out of the corner of my eye.

“I want to keep you in this moment forever,” I smile dreamily, letting my hands caress down his chiseled abs. He’s being so patient, letting me touch him like this, though I know it won’t last. He’ll regain control soon, but for now it feels like he’s my own personal paradise and I revel in the thought.

“Your hands are torture, Charley,” he breathes huskily, spurring me on even more. The pads of my fingers drag along the sharp v-cut under his abs. I’m barely an inch above his board shorts and I can feel his body reacting to my touch as he subtly grinds against me, separated only by flimsy swimsuits.

Suddenly, his hand reaches down to capture my wrist so that he can pull my hand up to his lips. I stare up at him in shock, as he slowly, deliberately dips my fingers into his mouth and sucks each one until I’m puddy in his hands.

“I want to taste every inch of you, Charley, and tomorrow I will. But for right now, your pretty little fingers will have to do.” Fucking hell. I’ve never had a man say things like that to me before. I realize why he does it though; hearing him declare the yearning to deliver sexy deeds turns me on almost as much as if he were actually performing them.

With predatory movements
, he takes my hand from his enticing mouth and drags it down my own body. It’s his hand forcing mine, but the combination bewitches my senses as if I’m touching myself while he watches me, commands me. He skips over my bikini top, skimming down my stomach and creating a surge of butterflies in his wake. I know where he’s leading our hands but I can’t process it, it’s too raw, too exposed and it sends my mind into overdrive. Our hands sink below the water and he presses my fingers along the tiny piece of triangular fabric of my bikini. Oh. My. God. Can I do this? Do I want to stop this? No. Hell no.

In the next moment
, every thought dissolves from my mind because
our
hands pull my bikini aside, exposing my sensitive flesh to all of Jude’s mischievous deeds.

He drags our fingers lightly over my folds and my head falls back in ecstasy.

“God, you’re so soft, so silky. Do you feel that, Charley?”

His words
ricochet through me, dripping with every titillating promise of what he’ll do to my body. His hand presses against me— feeling me, marking me, owning me. I’m unraveling beneath him and attempting to keep up is hopeless. I yank my hand away from his and pull him toward me so I can show him what he’s doing to me the only way I know how: with my lips. I tug his hair, hard, and press our bodies together. He responds with greedy pets and long, delicious strokes before he finally slides a finger into me, and I’m lost. I’m no longer rooted down to earth.

This is pure bliss.

His finger drives possessively into me as his other hand grips my ass. He’s not letting me go anywhere. His hands hold me tightly against him so that I have no reprieve from his overwhelming touch. As gravity and the ocean’s current push me down, he slides another finger in to join the first. He knows exactly where to stroke, how to curl his fingers and find the spot that seems to be the center of my universe.

“Ju…de…” I moan, keeping my head titled back as he continues his relentless pursuit of my pleasure with his deft fingers.

He kisses down my neck, nipping and licking a trail down to my collarbone. “My sweet girl, you’re so tight around my fingers. I want to sink into you right here. I’d let you ride me and milk out your orgasm again and again.”

His words rip me apart until I’m completely exposed to him.

“I… Jude. Don’t stop.” My voice sounds feral and wild as I fall closer and closer to the edge.

“Come for me, Charley,” he demands, sinking his teeth into the delicate skin between my neck and shoulder.

“Come,” he demands again, and my body explodes obediently.

Delicious tingles spread through each limb as my world teeters off axis. Crashing waves of pleasure roll through me again and again, combining with the ocean’s gentle tide to coax out every last morsel of my
ecstasy.