Beneath His Darkness (Healing Hearts #3) (32 page)

Grant

Tears slip silently down her cheeks as she holds the letter to her chest.  I want to barge out of my closet and hold her.  I hate myself for hurting her.  I don’t know how long she’ll sit there, whether she’ll stay sad or get angry that I’m pushing her away again.  What I don’t expect is for her to start talking to the empty room.  I know she can’t see me or hear me breathing.

“Oh, Grant.  My broken friend.  I’m sorry I failed you.  I thought I was breaking through your walls and helping you see that you are so much more than the demons inside you.  I see them and the darkness you wrote about in this letter, just like everyone else, but like other people, I don’t care about them.  I love you despite all that.  I was able to look beneath your darkness and see the light and love that shines out of you.  I would tell you all of this if you would have given me a chance, but this note says it all,” she says, shaking the paper in the air.

“You’re not going to let me back in your life, are you?”

She crumples into a ball on my bed and starts to sob.  I should go to her.  Her words told me how she truly feels about me, but I stay paralyzed in my closet, watching the best person I’ve ever known suffer, because of me.  I stay there well after she composes herself and leaves my apartment.

When I finally leave the closet and walk into my living room, her shredded bra and panties greet me.

What the fuck have I done?

Chapter Thirty Six

Grant

The past week without Cammie has been torture.  She must have talked to Eddie about us because he’s rescheduled my shoot times to be completely opposite hers and asked me only to come in when I have to be there.  Out of respect for her, I comply.  My heart can’t take seeing her anyway.  I would want to run up to her and ask if she’s alright.

But, I already know the answer to that.

The way she was crying in my bedroom, I know she’s far from alright.  Seeing sadness in her eyes and hearing her try to give me false reassurance will only make me feel worse about myself.  So, I stayed away.

Now, I’m standing outside Tucker’s door, ready to do something I should have done a long time ago.  I’m going to tell the truth.  It’s too late to reverse the damage I’ve done, but at least he’ll know why I did it.  I’m sure Tucker will decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth, but I deserve this.  He didn’t know he had a brother all these years so it shouldn’t be too hard for him to walk away.

Mustering up the nerve I’ve been lacking for too long, I knock.  It feels like it takes an eternity for him to answer.  He’s probably wondering who’s at his door.  His front desk guy didn’t call up.  I begged him not to.  I explained that we recently found out we’re brothers and have a rocky relationship, but I’m trying to rectify that today.  It was a lie—another one—but I wasn’t sure he would allow me up.  Quite frankly, I’m surprised the guy agreed to it and I’m grateful when Tucker opens the door.  By the surprise and irritation that crosses his face, I know.

He would have turned me away.

“Can I come in?”  My voice comes out sounding winded.  This is not how I wanted to start things.

He moves one foot back, allowing me entrance, but says, “Sure, but I’m not here for long.  Heading out to see Adriana.”

I walk past him and start pacing.  How the hell do I start this conversation?  There’s no good way to say, “I’m here to tell you I set out to destroy your life.”

“What’s going on Grant?  Did something happen between you and Mikos?”

I stop pacing and stare at him.  Mikos?  He really thinks I would come here over our father?  I really have kept everyone from knowing me.

“I did something,” I say in a voice devoid of emotion or tone.  I resume pacing, needing to move before I come out of my skin.  I don’t know if I can tell him the rest.  He’s looking at me like he actually cares for me.  I can’t bear it, knowing I’ve done the unthinkable.

“You have to give me more than that, Grant.  What did you do?”  His voice is soft, like he’s talking to a scared child.  Ironic, isn’t it?  I feel that way.  Like I was back when I was sixteen, I’m afraid of losing a person who should be in my life.  But this time, I’ve done it to myself.

“I hated you so much,” I squeeze past my lips and stop.  It feels like my heart is being compressed, like the smallest amount of pressure will make it cease to exist.  Does it hurt to hear those words as much as it hurts me to say them?  I can only hope the answer is no.  “I thought you were the reason I lost my father.  Both of my fathers.”

I can’t look at him, but from the corner of my eye, I see him wipe his hand down his face.  That gesture can mean so many things and my brain and heart are arguing over the intent.

“I thought everyone was lying about you being a good guy.  How could you be?  You’re an actor,” I huff.  “It had to be an act.  I convinced myself of that.  So, I told myself it was okay.”

“What was okay?  What did you do, Grant?”  I can hear fear surfacing in his voice.  He’s right to be afraid.

“You were my enemy.  Don’t you get that, Tucker?  I spent years despising you, years working out a plan of how I was going to get back at you.  I wanted to make you lose everything the way I did.  Then, I found out I was wrong about you, but it was too late.  The damage was already done.  Oh God, Cammie is never going to forgive me, Tucker.  And, the irony is, she’s a big reason as to why I was able to see you for the man you really are.  She was always telling me to see past my hate and open my eyes so I could see who you really are.  Now that I do, I can’t undo what I did to take you down.”

“Goddammit, Grant, what did you do?” Tucker screams, finally breaking me from the fog I’ve been in for weeks.  I see the fear and pain in his eyes and my heart does its final shattering.  I feel the last shard drop from my chest, leaving me empty.

“I’m so sorry, Tucker.  I wish I could take it back.”

“Please tell me what you did,” he begs.

“I’m afraid to.”

It took everything in me to admit I’m afraid, but Tucker does the unimaginable.  He tells me we’ll figure it out because we’re brothers.  I don’t think he knows what to say when I tell him he won’t want to be when he knows what I’ve done.  At that moment, I decide I can’t do this.  I can’t see his eyes when he finds out.  I’m a fucking coward.  I make a move to walk past him, but he throws his hand across my chest and eyes me down.

“Whatever it is, I promise you, we’ll figure it out.”

I shake my head at him.  He doesn’t understand what a monster I am.  Maybe that’s why he begs me again to let us work this out.  He’s really not going to let this go.  After a few minutes of our silent standoff, I take a deep breath and say some words that will forever change me.

“You have to understand, Tucker, I thought you were the reason I lost the man who raised me.  I loved him more than anything and he died loathing me.  He couldn’t even look at me.  We were best friends before he found out I wasn’t his.  I hated you for that.  I wanted to destroy you for that.”  I watch him caving before me, see the moment he feels bad for me, and I can’t have that.  “I sold out the show.”

With a calm iciness, he asks me, “What did you do?”

I downplay it because the pain in his face is killing me.  I feel like a louse.  He deserves to know the entire truth, but I can’t bring myself to tell him all of it.  Instead, a partial truth tumbles from my lying lips.

“I gave Melanie Kingston the script to the last two episodes of
Facing Extinction
.  And, I don’t just mean my scenes. I found the weak link in the writing team, the person who was tired of living in the shadows of Eddie ‘the fucking genius writer’ Carmichael.  I did what I had to do to get him to give me those episodes.  They didn’t even tell me they were going to kill me off.  When I read it was your character who was going to do it, I completely broke.  I gave her everything.”

I can’t read his face.  His emotions are changing too rapidly to keep up.  I think he wants to kill me, protect me, and throw up all at the same time.  I’ve really fucked things up.  He should be kicking me out, but instead, he tells me we’re calling Eddie because I need to come clean.  Then, we’re calling his agent so he can start spinning the story in our best light and he’s getting his lawyers involved because I’m going to need the best in my corner.  He finishes his list by telling me he’s switching his flight to New Hampshire and booking me on it with him because I sure as hell won’t want to be here when the shit hits the fan.

I try to tell him this isn’t his fight, but he insists this is what Stavros’ do for each other.  He even cracks a joke about being scared what Grams would do if he didn’t help.  I want to laugh with him, but I can’t find any humor in this.  He must sense my mood and the fact that I’m about to take off to handle things myself because he tells me I have an hour to go pack a bag and get back to his place.  He finishes by saying I better not make him come find me.

I don’t know why I listen.  I’ve never been one to give in before, but this time I do.  I nod and he gives me a reassuring smile.  It tells me we’ll get through this and somehow, things will be alright.

I hope I’m not fooling myself.

Chapter Thirty Seven

Grant

I’ve been in the spare room at Adriana’s from the moment Tucker and I arrived.  They spew happiness from their pores around each other and I can’t take it.  I want them to have that.  They deserve it.  I just can’t have my mood bringing them down and I don’t deserve to share in what they’ve created.

Adriana has tried coaxing me from the room, but I’ve politely turned her down each time.  Tucker has stood outside the door a few times, too, telling me he’d like for me to come out and hang with them.  I’ve explained I don’t want to be a burden.  No matter what they say, I can’t face them.  Shame keeps me isolated.

The talk with Eddie keeps rolling through my head.  He was furious.  I thought he was going to kill me.  I didn’t blame him for being angry, but somehow, he kept a clear head.  He told Tucker to keep me out of Vancouver for as long as possible and let him devise a plan.  He also figured out that I wasn’t being completely honest.  Even through his shades, I could feel his penetrating gaze.  I told them I had given the entire season’s episodes to Melanie and that Davyd was the writer giving them to me.  I refused to confess what I had to do in order to get the scripts and luckily, Eddie didn’t press for that information.

Before we left his place, Eddie placed his hand on my shoulder so I would give him my full attention, and asked the question that is still bothering me.

“I understand why at sixteen you raged against Tucker, but as you got older and matured, didn’t you ever start to think your anger was misplaced?”

I tried looking into his eyes through the darkness of his glasses so he could see the honesty in my answer when I simply said, “No.”  That was the truth.  I was so warped by my hatred and need to get revenge, I never stopped to think about what I was doing or whether it was right.  Now that I’m able to look back on it, I see that I was wrong.  Tucker didn’t take anything from me.

A door slams downstairs and the house falls quiet.  I wonder what the hell that’s about, but I stay in my square of seclusion.  Several minutes go by and it’s still silent, so I figure all is good.

The door slams again.  What the Christ is going on?  I open my door and walk into the hallway to Tucker carrying a soaked Adriana toward their bedroom.

“Look,” she says, “I’ll be your sister soon.”

I stand there with my mouth open, unable to form words, staring at a gorgeous ring while Tucker keeps walking with her. 
Sister.
  Shit, I haven’t gotten used to having a brother yet.

Tucker turns with his fiancée in his arms and says, “I think the word you’re looking for is congratulations.”

Adriana giggles and adds, “We’re having a celebration party as soon as we’re dried off.  You aren’t allowed to say no, so get ready to come out of that room for the night.”

They disappear into their room.  “Congratulations,” I finally manage to choke out.

Over an hour later, I’m in the kitchen, waiting with them for everyone to arrive.  I’ve helped Tucker set up two laptops so Grams, Eddie, and Cammie can join in the fun.  I haven’t seen Cammie in close to two weeks and my insides are twisting at even seeing her face tonight.

“Relax, brother.  You know she misses you.”  Tucker pats me on the shoulder.

I don’t say anything back because what I want to say would bother him.  She shouldn’t miss me.  I’m not good for her and Tucker shouldn’t call me brother so easily.

The doorbell rings and a redheaded bombshell walks in.  Holy shit, is she hot.  Her man thinks so, too, by the way he’s eyeing me down. 
Calm down, dude, no offense meant.  Just noticing she’s gorgeous.

Red struts right up to Tucker, plants a kiss on his cheek, and pinches his ass.  I laugh for the first time in what feels like years.  My throat burns from the act.

“Hmm.  Who is this hot piece of ass over here?” Red purrs.  “This has to be your brother, Hot Stuff.  What is with the fucking gene pool in your family?  Hot Damn!”

She walks over to me with her hand out.  “I’m Mick.  Pleasure’s all mine Mr. Tall, Dark, and If Only I Were Still Single.”  She pinches my ass, winks, and walks back to her man.

What just happened?

Her man walks up to me.  “I’m Blake and you, my friend, just got Micked.”  We both laugh as we shake hands.

I greet the rest of Adriana’s friends as they arrive.  They aren’t as outgoing as the redhead, but they seem like they’ll be fun to party with.  Things are going well until a trio of guests arrive.  Adriana’s mom walks in with her brother and Victoria.  My night that was looking up takes a nosedive.  Tucker warned me that she was ‘friends’ with Adrian, but I didn’t realize that meant she’d be coming to this party.  The last thing I need is for her to rub my nose in how colossally I fucked things up.  I think I’ll be escaping upstairs as soon as no one is watching.