Benevolent (19 page)

Every day was the same—a combination of drinking, self-loathing, and calls that went unanswered. I left messages, I sent texts, but nothing worked. It wasn’t until a week later before she finally decided to answer the phone.

“What, Dane?” she answered the phone, sounding pissed off.

I wasn’t drunk, but I was severely hung-over. It was still early in the morning, and she was three hours behind me. I looked at the clock next to me and did the math in my head. It would have only been four thirty in the morning where she was. Her anger felt a little justified after that realization.

“Eden, will you please talk to me?”

“If I do will you stop calling?”

“Yes, if that is what I have to agree to in order for you to talk to me, then yes. I will stop calling,” I agreed, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. “Did you at least make it to California okay?” It was a stupid question, but once she agreed to talk, I didn’t know what to say.

She sighed and I swear I felt it in my chest. It ached and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had never felt pain like that before. It was as if someone died and the grief just hadn’t fully hit me yet. The anticipation of knowing it would soon smack me in the face and the grief would be felt all over nearly killed me.

“Yes, I made it okay. Is that why you’ve called me multiple times every day? To see if I’ve made it home safely?”

I hated that she called California home. It wasn’t home. Home was with me, she just needed to realize that. I only hoped it wouldn’t take her long to see it.

“No. I’ve called because I love you. I want you here. I want you with me.”

“You don’t even know what love it, Dane. You were with Gabi for eleven years. You asked her to marry you. You almost had a child with her and you probably told her you loved her, too. And you probably did love her at one point. So no, you don’t know what love is.”

“Have you ever told anyone that you loved them? Your ex-boyfriend?” I knew I was getting defensive, but there was no other way around it. I had to get her to see what I was saying. She had to believe me, and being a pussy-whipped bitch wouldn’t work.

“Yes, but your point is invalid. I didn’t tell you I love you.”

“No, but do you ever plan on saying it to someone else?”

“Nope, never.” I could hear the smile on her face through her words. She was being a stubborn bitch and she knew it. It only made me smile with her. “Whatever, Dane. That’s not the point. The point is this, you need to work out how you’re feeling. You need to figure it all out before moving on to someone else. You weren’t happy with Gabi; that was clear. But you need to face that and work through it before being happy with anyone else. I meant what I said when I told you if you left her, it had to be for you. Not for me. Just like if you stayed, it shouldn’t have been for her. Where is she going when she gets out of the hospital?”

I didn’t know how much she knew, so I didn’t know what to expect her to say once I finally did get the chance to talk to her. I certainly wasn’t expecting her to ask me that, even though I should have.

“With me,” I answered in a huff of air. I didn’t want to admit that part, but I also didn’t want to lie to her, either.

There was silence for a moment. During that time of dead air on the phone, my heart stopped beating. My breathing ceased. It was utter torture to sit there and wait for her response. I had no idea what she would say, other than I wouldn’t like it.

“Dane…” And then more silence. I heard her take in a breath and then she finally continued. “You’re begging me to come back, but you’re having her move back in with you. Do you not see a problem with that? Do you honestly think I would be okay being with someone that has his ex-fiancée, amongst other things, living with him?”

“We’re not getting back together if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“It doesn’t matter what I’m thinking!” she shouted into the phone. It didn’t come out angry, though. Her words and raised voice were filled with hurt and confusion. I could pick up on those emotions easily because they were the emotions that were running through me as well. “What about what she thinks? She’s in love with you. She tried to kill herself because you left her. How do you think she will take living with you but not being with you? The writing is already on the wall. You say now that you two won’t be together, but give it time and you’ll fall right back into that role. It’s inevitable. It’s also why I can’t come back.”

“What about your birth mom? Are you just going to leave her, too?”

“I don’t have a choice. I met her, I talked to her, I got to know her the best way I could without telling her who I was. And I think it’s better that way. She doesn’t need to know me. She doesn’t want to know who I really am. She had her reasons to give me up, and I know them now. I also know that by me showing up will only hurt her and I don’t want that. I got what I wanted. Now it’s time to move on. You need to move on, too, Dane.”

“I don’t want to,” I whispered into the phone. I sounded like a two-year-old, but I didn’t give a flying fuck. I didn’t want to. There wasn’t a single part of me that wanted to move on. “I’m not giving up on you, Eden. I’ve already told you that. I agreed that I won’t call you anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I do love you, and you will see that. I will make you see that I know what love is, and I know I love you.”

“Goodbye, Dane,” was her response just before she hung on.

I stared at the phone for what felt like forever, watching her name flash on the screen. It took me even longer to pull myself from the bed and shower. It felt like I hadn’t showered in days, and that’s probably pretty accurate. I had spent days upon days drinking until I passed out, because that seemed to be the only way I could sleep. But it was a new day. I had to start trying something different if I was ever going to get her back.

Once I was cleaned up, I went to the clinic that Gabi was staying at. I didn’t want to go, but the doctors insisted on a meeting. I was her next of kin, had been since we left for college. So I was the one that had to talk with the staff about her progress. As I waited, I read a girly magazine—it was the only thing to read and I didn’t want to sit there twiddling my fucking thumbs. It proved to be a good thing, though, because it gave me a good idea. I was desperate for any ideas, and I had just found the perfect one in the most unlikely place—fucking
Cosmopolitan
.

As soon as the meeting was over and I was back at the condo, I sat on the balcony with my laptop. I was a man on a fucking mission, and that was to get my heart back. I surfed the web until I found a shop near Eden’s parents’ house that delivered. I searched through their catalog until I found exactly what it was that I wanted to send her. The more I found, the happier I felt. I knew it would only be a matter of time before she’d come back to me, and the thought of that alone began to brighten things up. Slowly, the dark clouds that seemed to have followed me since the day she left, were moving away, and the sun was beginning to shine again.

I ordered over a dozen multi-colored flowers to be delivered to her the following day. Around those flowers, I had them add a silver charm bracelet that had a heart for a clasp. I knew I probably wouldn’t know her reaction to it, but just knowing she would get it was enough for me. I also added a note along with it. It read:

My Sweetest Temptation,

I told you I wouldn’t stop. I will keep after you until you see that what I told you is the truth. Today, you get sixteen flowers. I tried to find the ones that are on your sleeve, but apparently, where you live doesn’t carry them in this season. (Another reason why you should move back… I’m sure they have them here.) You get sixteen because it took sixteen days to fall in love with you. It was the night in Texas when we danced. I can’t explain in words how I know it was then, but it was. I don’t think I knew it then, but I know it now. After you told me that I don’t know what love is, I began to think. And to prove you wrong, I’m going to show you. This is the first of many ways. Along with your flowers, you have a bracelet. It’s in the shape of a circle, which signifies eternity. That’s how long I will love you for. It may have taken me sixteen days to fall in love with you, but it will take an eternity to make it go away.

I love you, Dane.

The next day, I sent more. That time, I sent two flowers, the same kind as before. I had them attach a green glass bead. And along with that, I sent another note. I started it off the same way, to my sweetest temptation, and began to explain the flowers and charm. I told her there were two flowers because after looking into her eyes for two seconds, I was hooked. It took two seconds of staring into her hunter green eyes for me to become addicted to them. I never wanted to look into another set of eyes ever again. The dark green bead was for her eyes. I told her to add it to the bracelet, so that every time she looked at it, she would know what it felt like to look into the purest color known to man.

I had hoped that after that gesture, I would have heard something, but I didn’t. No phone call or even a quick text thanking me. But that didn’t mean I was done. It didn’t mean I was giving up, and it certainly didn’t mean it was over. As far as I was concerned, it would never be over.

Two days after that, I sent more. Same flowers, only that time there were seven of them. And again, I added a charm. The note I had them send with it, reminded her of the seventh day after we had met. It was the day we went on Eddy’s boat. It was also the day we agreed to be friends. I explained to her that I didn’t want to be her friend, but I took whatever I could get from her. The charm was of a boat. But again, I never heard from her.

The next day, I sent more. Along with three flowers, to signify the amount of days we shared at the hotel, I added a square charm that said “beach” on it. I explained that those three days saved my life. They gave me hope of being happy. They proved to me that I didn’t have to be miserable for the rest of my life.

I wanted to wait a couple days before sending more, but I couldn’t. There was still no word from her, so I decided to keep sending. So on the following day, I sent the charm with the ruby red heart. As soon as I saw the red stone, it made me think of her lips. And the heart was because she owned mine. I gave it to her and I never wanted it back.

The next one was a charm that said “family” on it, and it was attached to a dozen red roses. The note attached read:

My Sweetest Temptation,

Red roses symbolize love, and that’s what I feel for you. I love you. The charm is my way of saying you hold everything I’ve ever wanted but never knew. You asked me once why I wasn’t married or had kids, my answer to you is this—I hadn’t married anyone because I hadn’t met you yet. And I hadn’t had any kids yet because the only one I’m meant to have them with is you. I’ve never wanted something so much in my life until I met you. I want you to be my wife. I want you to have my children, as many as you’ll give me. I want all of these things with you and only you. Timing is everything. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it sucks, but it is everything. I was unknowingly waiting for you for all that time, and I will continue to wait for you for the rest of time. Because I love you.

Please don’t make me wait forever, I feel like I’ve already been doing that,

Dane.

That was the last one I sent her. It wasn’t on purpose. It was because Gabi had come back.

Having Gabi back home was not what I expected it to be. She had gone through a lot of therapy while at the clinic, and continued to go after she was released. It seemed as though it was working, but that could have very well been the meds she was taking.

She still had her moments when she was quiet and withdrawn, but for the most part, it seemed as though she was trying to get better. After a week of her being there, and us pretty much dancing around each other, I made her talk to me. It was the first talk we’d had in a long time.

“I feel like I don’t know who you are, Gabi. It seems like I’ve been with a stranger for all of these years. And I can’t help but feel a little resentment toward it, and a lot guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty?” she asked in her soft-spoken voice.

“I should have known. Every time you would get depressed, I thought it was because of whatever was going on at that time. I should have seen that even between the bouts of depression, you were still depressed. I should have made you talk to someone, anyone, but I didn’t. I just waited and waited until it passed. But it never passed. It just built up, for years.”

Gabi sat next to me on the couch. She wore long sleeves to cover the bandages around her wrists. I hated seeing them, and I knew she did, too. They were blinding reminders of our failures.

“It’s not your fault, Dane. You did what you thought was best. You can’t blame yourself for things that are my fault. I lied. I protected people that didn’t deserve it. It was me that made the decision to not open up to you about things. But I’m ready now. I’m ready to tell you everything.”

I looked into her chocolate brown eyes. They reminded me of the girl from high school. In those brown pools I saw fear, but I also saw hope. Both things frightened me because I didn’t know what to do about it. When I was sixteen, I was bound and determined to do something about it. I wanted to ease her fears and hold on to the hopefulness. But that boy had been long gone. That boy grew into a man that had to look into those eyes every day for twelve years and watch as the hope faded. The fear darkened until it morphed into self-hatred and loathing. That’s when other emotions enveloped them. Emotions like sadness and despair. In the end, the bright hopefulness of her brown eyes darkened into hopelessness. Years later, I looked back into them and for the first time saw hope again. I just wished I knew what to do with that.

“I told you my dad died when I was young,” she continued, but her eyes turned to her twisted hands in her lap. “That wasn’t true. I have three memories of him. The first one is of him holding my mom against the wall in our living room; her feet couldn’t reach the ground. I remember him yelling and my mom crying, but other than that, all I remember is hiding behind the couch and wishing he would stop. The next memory is of him backhanding me until I fell into the kitchen table. My mom was there, too, but I don’t really remember what she was doing other than screaming. If I close my eyes and think about that time, I can see blood. I know it wasn’t my own, but other than that I don’t know whose it was. I can only assume it was my mother’s.

“The last memory I have of him was when my mom packed up our things and we left. He was supposed to be at work and we had borrowed the neighbor’s car. I’m sure we didn’t just borrow it because I don’t ever remember my mom returning it. But I do remember us backing out of the driveway and my dad driving really fast down the street. Then I remember the neighbor that gave us her car stood in the middle of the road. Her hands were held out in front of her and she was pointing something at him. Looking back now it was probably a gun but I’ll never know. It was the only thing that kept him from chasing after us.

“After that, we spent a few nights in a hotel room. It was nice because my mom let me watch whatever I wanted on the small TV that was in there. I watched
I Love Lucy.
We only stayed there for a few nights before we moved on to somewhere else. I don’t know where I used to live, and I don’t know all of the places we stopped at, but we jumped from town to town. Staying at motels until the money ran out. I didn’t know what was going on, but I remember going from having food to not having any. My mom went from being happy and loving, to crying all of the time.” She paused and wiped a tear from her face.

I reached out and held onto her hand, letting her know it was okay to continue. I was surprised that it had taken her all of these years to tell me these things. I wanted to ask her why she had never told me before, but I didn’t want to interrupt her.

“We started staying in shelters, and we no longer had the car. Mom said the gas was too expensive. We were lucky enough to find nice shelters, some had clothes that I got to pick out. I remember a few of them had boxes along a wall inside that had clothes and shoes, and some even had toys. I didn’t pick a toy. But that year for my birthday, my mom gave me a baby doll. She was so excited to give it to me since she hadn’t been able to get me anything for Christmas just before then. I looked at the doll and remembered it being from the box in one of the shelters. It didn’t matter where it came from because the look on my mom’s face when she gave it to me meant everything.

“It was always just her and me. Until she met Peter when I was fifteen. She had gotten a job working days while I was in school and I guess had met him. He lived a town over from us and asked my mom to marry him pretty quickly. My mom was so excited. I hadn’t seen her that happy since she gave me that doll. I was happy, too, because I wanted a family. I had dreamed about one for so long that I thought God was finally giving it to me.

“It took one week for Todd to start saying things to me. It started off with weird stares and accidental brushes against me. Then one night he was out at a party and came home late. He came in my room and woke me up.” She shook her head from side to side, acting as if she was trying to shake the memory from her mind. “I had never even been kissed before, but that didn’t stop him. I just cried and cried, begging him not to, and then begging him to stop. Once it was over, I went to the bathroom and threw up.

“I told my mom about it, and it was the first time in my life that I felt let down by her. The first time I looked at my mom and didn’t know who was staring back at me. I kept it to myself after that and Todd just kept doing it. It didn’t happen all of the time, but enough that it made me want to die. Then I met you, and I thought you could save me from it. I wanted to tell you so many times but always chickened out.”

“Your mom said you got pregnant?” I don’t know why I brought that up then, but I needed to know.

She nodded and looked right at me. “He never wore condoms, but he always made me swallow it. One night he was really wasted on something and got up after he finished, never making me open my mouth and never put it anywhere else. Stuff came out of me for a day and I began to worry. It was only a few weeks after that when I knew. I always paid attention to my periods because I knew he wasn’t using protection. So I knew when I was supposed to get it. I waited until a few more days after that before I went to a drug store and bought a test. I knew I would have to tell my mom then. I just wasn’t expecting it to go the way it did.

“She told Peter and he made her take me for an abortion. I wasn’t upset about that part. I didn’t want his demon child. What hurt me more than anything, was that we went back to Peter’s house and stayed. I begged her to leave. I begged her to not make me stay there, but all she said was that Peter handled it. Whatever the fuck that meant. Two weeks later, he walked in on me in the bathroom. His pupils were so large I couldn’t even see the colors of his eyes. He was mad and fucked up. He locked the door behind him and came after me. He told me I would pay for what I had done, and that time he would make sure I didn’t get knocked up. It was the first time he put on a condom.” She was really crying by that point. I didn’t want her to continue. I didn’t want her to keep living it. But she pulled away from my comforting hold on her and continued.

“I don’t remember a lot about that night. I can’t recall the ride to the hospital at all. But I remember the cops coming in and asking me about Sean, my neighbor. I didn’t understand at all why they were asking about him, so I barely answered them. They left, telling me to get some rest and I’d see them again in the morning. They walked out and Peter and my mom walked in. That’s when Peter tried to convince me it was Sean that had come in the bathroom. I didn’t want to go along with it, but he and my mother both told me that I had to. He told me with words, and my mom told me with her pleading eyes. So I did. I figured he wouldn’t get in trouble. There was no evidence of him being there. He had to have had an alibi. But as the trial started, I learned his alibi was sleeping. And the evidence didn’t matter because they had statements by me, my mom, and Peter. That’s when I took those pills. I hated myself for what I had done to him. I followed up on him ever since then. I knew when he got out. I knew about him moving back in with his mom, next door to Peter’s house. I knew when he couldn’t get jobs or got fired from one. I knew it all. I hated myself from the moment it happened, and I hated myself until I watched the blood pour from my wrists.”

“Do you still hate yourself?” I asked, not really wanting to the answer.

She shook her head. “I think I’ve hated myself enough for things I couldn’t control. I hated myself after our baby died, because I thought it was all my fault. I killed one baby of mine so God took another.”

I held her face and made her look at me, stopping her from saying more. “It wasn’t your fault, Gabs. Those things happen all the time. You weren’t being punished.”

“I know that now, at least, I think I do. I still have feelings I can’t figure out, but none of them are of self-hatred. My mom came in one day and we both sat down with one of the counselors. It was needed. It was hard, but it was something we both needed. I’m not ready to talk to her one-on-one yet, but at least the door isn’t closed anymore. I can’t go back in time and change anything, so I have to focus on the present and look toward the future.”

I was impressed with Gabi’s attitude. I wasn’t expecting to hear all of that. I was so used to her being depressed and closed off that her admissions and openness threw me off a little. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to act or feel. Everything only became more confused.

One thing I still knew for sure, though, was that I missed Eden with every piece of me. My focus should have been on getting Gabi better, but it wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do for her, or what would happen once she finally was better, so I tried to not pay too much attention to that.

Neither one of us spoke about the future together. She didn’t ask if we were or would be together, and nothing was mentioned of the engagement we once had. After she opened up to me that one afternoon, we barely spoke again. It wasn’t that we were ignoring each other, it just felt more strained to talk. It was awkward and uncomfortable between us. I knew she felt it too since she could hardly look at me.

I slept in the spare room and gave her the master bed. She didn’t complain other than offering to switch rooms. We didn’t eat together or even sit together much. I had only just started returning to work once things began to settle down at home. I hated going to the office because all I could do was stare at the closed door across from my desk. I would stare at it as if I were waiting for it to open and for Eden to be standing there. I knew that wasn’t going to happen, but it didn’t stop me from wanting it.

I had emailed her, about every two to three days. But I had yet to hear anything back. I sent more flowers, along with teddy bears and chocolates. I wrote letters and mailed them through the actual mail. None of it was returned so I knew she had gotten them, but still no word from her.

After a month of her being gone, I was called in for a meeting with my PR team. The news had died down rather quickly after my arrest, since there really wasn’t much of a story there, but so was business. In my absence, I had a team put together to take over the projects I was involved in, but they were not to take on any more. They were only supposed to manage what was already on the table and everything else would wait until I fully returned. They all understood, but the companies that needed my help didn’t. My reputation started to slip, and Janette figured we needed to grab it by the balls and fix it.

I wasn’t in the mood to fix anything other than my relationship with Eden, but I knew I had a company to run. So I went into the office and met with the team. Along with Janette, there was Steve, Darla, and Mark. We sat around the conference table in my office and devised a plan to get back on track. I knew the only way that would happen is if I myself got back on track, and I couldn’t do that without Eden. But I listened to their ideas and their suggestions for getting my name back on solid ground. They were really good at what they did and I couldn’t have asked for better people to work with than them. Especially Janette. She was smart and quick and always thought outside of the box. She also wasn’t scared to tell me what she thought exactly when she thought it.