Benevolent (8 page)

“So, how did the appointment go?” she asked before I could question her about her date.

I looked at her and saw her. I saw that yes, she was an incredibly attractive woman, and yes, I wanted to fuck her. But I also saw the caring person inside her. The one that wanted to know about me. She wanted to talk to me. It hit me that she had been the only person in months—
months
—to ask me about me. To ask about my day. To ask about important things in my life. No one else bothered to find out what was going on with me. She wasn’t just someone I wanted to fuck. She somehow became someone I wanted to talk to. Someone I looked forward to seeing. That was when I realized just how royally screwed I was.

“How is that working out for you?” I asked and immediately saw her questioning glare. “You said you needed to talk to me like a friend in order to see me as one. How is that working out for you?”

Her eyes went back to the water and I saw the slimmest of smirks play on her red lips.

“It’s working great.”

“Good. Maybe I need to try harder. You hate cheaters. Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Cheaters are unethical. They’re essentially liars and frauds.”

“Clearly, but you have a personal reason to hate them, and I want to know what it is.”

Her head shook from side to side and her curls bounced on her bare shoulders. I could no longer look at her tattoo without thinking of the rest that connected to it. The image of that ink was in my head and I’d never be able to close my eyes and see anything else for the rest of my life.

“I dated a guy in college. I thought I loved him. I thought we were always going to be together. We probably would’ve been if he knew how to keep it in his pants. But the hardest part of it all was that it wasn’t like he cheated on me all the time… well, yeah, it was all the time, but it was only with one girl. It wasn’t cheating; he was having an affair. And I was too stupid to know anything about it until he broke up with me. I wish I could say that I caught him in the act and chewed him out. Or that I at least ended things, but I didn’t even get that. I was literally left with nothing. He took the apartment and the bitch moved right on in. He took all of the furniture since it was all his when we moved in together. He took the friends, since I gave all mine up when we first started dating. And he took my dignity. I was left with absolutely nothing for the last two weeks of school before I moved here. I came with my clothes and a pullout couch I bought at a garage sale on my way down. My parents know none of that. And that is why I hate cheaters.”

I didn’t even know what to say. Looking at her and talking to her, I would have never guessed she literally moved here with nothing. She seemed so strong, so sure of herself, I would have never imagined she had been stripped down to nothing.

“Wow. Did he have a reason?”

“Does it matter?”

“What if he wasn’t happy? Not saying you didn’t make him happy because I’m sure you did. But what if, for some reason, he wasn’t?”

“Then he should have left me before he started dating her. She knew about me. But I don’t feel bad for her. Because she was with a cheater. And from now on, whenever he goes out without her, or comes home late from work, or uses his credit card at a department store, it will cross her mind if he’s doing the same to her. If he could cheat on me, then he can cheat on her.”

My mind was swimming with thoughts. I wondered if she was trying to tell me something or if she was only talking to me like a friend would. Was she telling me that I needed to leave Gabi before we even thought about being together? Was she saying that if we ever did get together that she would worry about me cheating on her like I’ve done with Gabi? I didn’t dare ask those questions, though. It only made me wish women spoke their fucking mind instead of talking in riddles.

I cleared my throat and decided to switch topics. That conversation only confused me more. “So, you and Eddy. How’s that going?”

“Do you really care?”

“Yes.” Just not in the way in sounds, I thought to myself.

“I don’t know. I feel weird talking to you about him. He’s your friend.”

“So? We’re friends.”

She shrugged her shoulders and looked down again. I jumped to my feet and stood in front of her, putting my finger beneath her chin and making her look at me.

“Stop. Stop hiding and just talk. It’s just me. I won’t judge you,” I told her.

A small smile appeared on her lips. “I think he’s getting frustrated that I won’t sleep with him.”

I wanted to throw my fist up in the air with the knowledge that he hasn’t been with her, but I also wanted to knock his teeth in for making her feel pressured. I thought about asking why she hadn’t, but decided against it. We were friends, but I wasn’t one of her girlfriends. I didn’t want the details of her sex-life, unless it included me. And even then, she wouldn’t need to tell me because it would be something I’d never forget.

“I just can’t seem to do it. I can’t really explain it, but there’s this little voice in my head that just keeps telling me not to do it. There’s something better out there. I just have to wait for it,” she admitted.

I looked right in her eyes, which was hard to see since the sun was gone and the clouds were covering the moonlight, but I could see them shining back at me. I wanted to know what she meant by that. I wanted to know who she was talking about, but I would never ask her. The answer scared me. I didn’t want to know it wasn’t me, nor could I handle hearing it was me.

My forehead leaned down to hers; it was unintentional and happened without thought. Her hand came up to my face and ran her palm lightly over my beard. I couldn’t help but bring my hand up and push it through her hair. It was so soft against my skin that I had to fight to not wrap my fingers in it and pull. I held her by the base of her neck, instead, and tilted her face to look into her eyes.

Our breathing was erratic and all over the place. I could feel her panting breaths on my lips and it drove me and my dick crazy. I felt like I was fighting with myself. Her words echoed in my mind, telling me that if I cheated on Gabi with her, she’d eventually wonder if I was doing the same with her. Well, that’s what I took from her words, anyway.

Before I could say or do anything, she whispered, “You should go.”

It was a douse of cold water on our hot moment, but it was needed. Neither of us was willing to make a move, but it was too hard to push away. I knew she felt that way, too. I could tell in the way she was breathing. In the way her chest heaved up and down. She made the right call. It was what I had been thinking but too afraid to say it myself.

I backed away, letting my hand fall from her as hers fell from me. I took a few steps backward, not taking my eyes from her. She didn’t look away, either. I knew it wasn’t all in my head. I knew I wasn’t imagining the chemistry we had. It was there. It was real. The only question that kept nagging at me was if it was right. Was it only physical, or something else? The something else was what scared me the most. Because the something else would be what would change my entire life. And I wasn’t sure how ready I was to do that. I had obligations. I had made promises to someone. And I was nothing if I didn’t have my word.

“Goodnight, Eden. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I didn’t wait for her reply. I turned around and started my lonely walk home. I should have spent that time getting my head straight, clearing it and thinking about what was most important. But I didn’t. I spent the walk home thinking about Eden and what could have been. I thought about all the different ways we could be together, and the different possibilities I had to make it happen. If I were single. Which I wasn’t. But for the first time since being with Gabi, I wished I was.

Gabi was curled up in bed with her e-reader and didn’t even acknowledge me as I walked in the room. The light from the screen lit up her face. She was beautiful, but very different from Eden. Where Eden’s eyes were shaped like an almond and the color of a forest tree, Gabi’s were large and dark. Eden had creamy colored skin, not quite pale but certainly not tan. It looked like she could probably tan if she really wanted to. But Gabi was light brown all over, as if she spent hours in the sun instead of inside reading. Their hair was completely different, too. Both were long, but Gabi’s hung limply against her body. She used to do things to it, style it every day. She didn’t do that much anymore. If she did anything to it, it was just putting it up in a ponytail. It made me think about how I used to play with it across my chest as she laid on me. She didn’t do that anymore, either.

I finally stopped staring at her; it was pointless anyway. She didn’t notice me there, too absorbed in her book to pay any attention to me, and all I was doing was comparing her to Eden and the old version of herself. It wasn’t fair.

After I had taken my shower, I climbed under the covers, moving closer to her. I tried kissing her shoulder, hoping that would get her attention. It didn’t. I ran my fingertips down her small arm to her hand. That didn’t make her look away, either. I finally gave up, knowing to her, the book was more important than me. All of them were. Once she’d finish one, she’d be on to another. I hated those damn books. She used them as a way to escape reality. And me.

As I lay there, staring at the ceiling and listening to her breathe, I thought for the first real time about leaving her. Did I have the balls to walk away after everything we had been through—after everything she had been through? Would that make me an asshole? Did I care whether or not it did? What would happen to Gabi? What would she do to herself if I just walked away? That is when I finally made up my mind. I couldn’t leave her. At least not until she was better. But once she got better, maybe we would be better and I wouldn’t want to leave anymore. I would stick it out and wait to see what would happen. There was no need to make any definitive plans. All I knew was that I could not leave Gabi then, or anytime soon.

The only thing I didn’t know was how I would get myself to stop thinking about Eden.

To say things at work were a little strained would have been an understatement. Eden would barely look at me while I gave her instructions on a company I was looking into. Her words were clipped and her voice was quiet. I didn’t exactly know why. I could only guess it had to do with our conversation at the pier. That damn pier.

She even stopped coming to my office for lunch. She wasn’t in her office, but I didn’t know where she had gone. I wanted to ask but thought better of it. I needed to keep my distance from her as best as I could. It wasn’t healthy for either of us. The silence and aversion were probably the best alternatives, but it was fucking eating me alive. I wanted to be near her. It took me almost two days before I figured out why. I missed talking to her. I missed her interest in my life, and I missed hearing about hers. I hadn’t realized how lonely I was until she started paying me attention and then abruptly stopped.

It was just before the end of the workday on Friday when I finally heard back from a business I was looking at acquiring. I had heard about them through my family and they were a little hesitant at meeting with me. I guess they finally relented and figured they couldn’t handle it on their own and chose to take help from someone they inadvertently knew versus a stranger. It was a relief to get that email, but the timing was bad. They wanted to meet Monday morning.

“I know it’s last minute, but I have a meeting in Texas on Monday morning. Would you be able to attend with me? You won’t have to worry about airfare or hotel—that would obviously be taken care of. And food, too,” I asked Eden when she came to my office to drop off a few files.

“Hotel? Like we’d be staying the night?”

“Well, usually. I don’t care too much for spending an entire day in an airport.”

“Um, yeah. I guess that’s fine. What exactly do you need me there for?”

“You’re my assistant and I trust your judgment. I want you there by my side during the meeting and in case we sign a contract. I also thought you’d like to see how an acquisition takes place. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine. I’ve always done it alone anyway.” I started to feel uncertain. Uncertain of where her head was at, where things were going, and how she felt about me. I felt like a fucking girl. I shook my head and said, “You know what? Never mind.”

“No, I want to go,” she protested.

I tried to bite my tongue, but it wasn’t working. “Do you? You’ve been evasive all fucking week. You’ve ignored me and barely said anything. The only thing I can think of as to why you would be acting this way is what happened at the pier on Monday. But that wasn’t just me and you know it. You played a part in that, too. You said things, too. So I don’t know why I’m the one being punished,” I lectured

She vigorously shook her head back and forth as tears welled up in her eyes. My head was spinning; I had no clue as to why she would have been acting that way. I thought back on my words but couldn’t see what I had said to make her cry. My biggest weak spot was a crying woman, and she pummeled the fuck out of it. My weak spot was suddenly a gaping hole.

“I’ve had a rough week. God, not everything is about you,” she spit out and then spun around, heading for the door.

Hell no. I wasn’t about to let her say that and then leave with tears in her eyes. I ran around my desk and caught up to her before she reached the door. I grabbed her upper arm and stopped her. She pressed her hands to the wooden door as I pressed my chest to her back. Her head fell silently against the wood and I could hear her soft cries.

“No. You’re not just going to say you had a rough week and then leave. You’re not going to start crying and then walk out. What happened? Talk to me. Tell me about it. I’ll do whatever I can to make it right. Just please, don’t leave like this.” My mouth was pressed to her hair just behind her ear and all I could smell was gardenia. The scent my grandmother used to wear. My reminder of happier times.

She shook her head back and forth; the only sounds coming from her were her cries.

“Just talk to me,” I begged.

“I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to talk about it.”

“That’s bullshit. You’ve made me talk about all kinds of things I wasn’t ready to talk about yet. You pushed me to open up to you, so now it’s your turn. It’s your turn to finally tell me something personal about you,” I fought.

She spun around. The redness of her eyes made the green stand out even more. They had turned bright, like they were shining though. It didn’t matter if this girl was happy, sad, angry, or indifferent; she was gorgeous no matter what.

“Really?” She was mad. Really, really mad. I could tell by the slight flair in her nostrils. “How about every time I begin to ask you anything this personal, you stop. You shut down and that’s the end of the conversation. So don’t stand here and tell me that I need to open up about something so personal.” Her voice was raised and she kept pointing her finger—at me, at her, at anything and everything.

“You asked me personal questions about Gabi. I haven’t told you the answers because it’s not my story to tell. They aren’t my memories or my tragedies to go around talking about. They’re hers. Ask me something personal about
me
, and I’ll tell you. But don’t ask about her and then hold it against me if I don’t.”

She crossed her arms and stood in the middle of the room. I began to worry that I had made a mistake by offering to answer any of her personal questions. I clearly hadn’t thought that through.

“Why are you still with her?” she asked in an even, quiet voice.

“I don’t even know how to answer that.” And that was the truth. I had been asking myself that for days and I still didn’t know the answer.

“Do you love her?”

“Of course, I do. What kind of question is that?”

“Are you happy?”

I couldn’t answer that, either. All I could do was stare at her while she stared back, daring me to answer with her pleading eyes. “I… um… I mean… I used to be. I know I’ll be again.”

“So you’re not happy? Is that why you asked me that question the other night? When we were talking about my boyfriend cheating on me?”

“I’ll admit it, I’m not happy at the moment. But I used to be. Sometimes really shitty things happen to people you really love, making them unhappy. In turn, you become unhappy. How fair would it be if I left her because of that? It’s not her fault I feel this way. It’s not her fault she feels this way.”

“So you’re going to stay with someone even though you’re unhappy because she’s had a rough life? You’d rather be miserable than walk away? You’d be willing to pass up a chance at a happy future because of her tragic past?”

My heart was tight and my head was spinning. It was like the voices in my head over the last couple of weeks jumped out and used her mouth as a portal. She had just asked all of the questions I had been asking myself. I had been too scared to even think about an answer before because the answer scared the living shit out of me.

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked and didn’t realize I had been holding my breath. Was I waiting on her to give me the okay? Was I looking for her to tell me to leave? It began to feel as if I wanted her to tell me all of that so it wouldn’t be my decision. So I wouldn’t be the one making that choice all on my own. I never realized just how scared I was at making my mind up until then.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what are you saying?” I asked with a raised voice. If I were paying attention to anything other than what was happening right in front of me, I would have been scared of others listening in. But I wasn’t.

“I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. If it’s with Gabi then great. If not, then you need to fucking grow a pair and do something about it. Because you’re a great guy, probably the best I’ve ever met, and it’s not okay for you to be living like this. I don’t know whom or what will make you happy, but you deserve it. Probably more than anyone else. I just wish you could see it.”

I was speechless. I stood there and listened to every word she spoke, and I had nothing to fucking say. She was right, about most of it. Okay, about pretty much all of it, but I didn’t have a response. If only it were that cut and dry. If only the decision was only about me. But it wasn’t. It was about another person, too. Not just another person. Gabi. And the thought of what could happen if I left struck fear into the very center of my being.

“Email me the details of the trip and I’ll be ready,” she calmly said and then left.

I watched her leave without moving an inch. I didn’t fight for her to stay, I didn’t tell her goodbye or respond to what she said. I stood there, motionless, and watched her pack her bag up and leave. Once her office door was closed, I picked up the stapler from my desk and flung it across the room.

I was full of so much emotion that I couldn’t even sort it out. I didn’t even know where to begin since they were all so unfamiliar to me. I had never seen myself as a coward before. But that’s what I was. I always thought I was selfless, benevolent, someone who considered others needs before their own desires. But it seemed as though I was nothing but a coward. Someone who was too scared to do what they wanted, and instead, called themselves selfless.

On my way home, I did nothing but replay every one of Eden’s words. I put them on repeat, listening to them over and over again in my head. I thought about her words from the pier as well. She would never tell me to leave, and it would only be a matter of time before she gave up. I couldn’t ask her to wait, that would not be fair to her. Especially since I didn’t even know how long it would be before I would have the balls to make up my mind.

I got home and Gabi was waiting in the foyer for me. She was dressed in a fucking hot maid’s outfit, duster and all. She walked to me, swaying her hips side to side and suddenly, all the questions that were swirling around in my head on the way there were gone.

She came up to me and immediately began unbuttoning my shirt. I picked her up, spun her around and slammed her back against the door before taking her mouth with mine. That’s when I tasted it. She was drunk.

“You’ve been drinking, Gabs?”

“Tsk, tsk… it’s Gabriella. I’m your hired help that you got from Peru. I am not a citizen so you’ll have to pay me under the table… or on top of the table if you prefer. Or against the wall or the back of the couch.”

Fuck. I wanted to be pissed about her drinking, but she had my cock so rock hard I couldn’t fucking think straight. I made a quick decision to discuss the drinking later.

Our clothes were discarded quickly and I wasted no time with her. She was playing dirty so I thought it was only fair if she sucked me off first. I fucked her mouth, then her cunt. I fucked her from room to room, getting all of the pent up frustrations out. I took my guilt out on her first, then my misery. I bent her over the balcony on the lanai and took out my grief and dread. Then I made her open up and I spilled my loneliness onto her face.

Once I was done, I felt nothing but hatred. Hatred toward myself for what I had done. I shouldn’t have taken it that far. I should have talked to her about the drinking, knowing she saw Doctor Greiner that day and that it had to have somehow been in correlation with that. But I didn’t. I allowed her to use her sexuality to blind me. And I played right into it. I allowed it. Not only did I do that, but I fucked her like she was some bar slut I had picked up.

I really, really fucking hated myself.

I found out that she was drinking because of her appointment. Doctor Greiner thought it would be a good idea to talk about her mother. She had seen him before so he knew all about her issues from home, but I didn’t see why he would bring that up. It really got to her and she decided to have one glass when she came home. One glass turned to two, and then three. By time I had gotten home, she had been at it for a few hours. I was surprised she was still walking by that time. It did explain the sex, though. Gabi turned into a little whore when she drank.

That was Friday. I caught her drinking again on Saturday and ended up fucking her a few times that day, too. I knew I’d be out of town with Eden on Monday and thought it would be wise if I had no sexual energy left once I made it there. If I really were attracted to her because of being sexually deprived, then the attraction would be gone, right? That was my logic on it. Sounded good. Come Sunday, Gabi was back to being depressed. I spent the entire day inside with her, trying to comfort her as best as I could. I knew she was upset about me leaving, but she’d never tell me that. Hell, she never told me anything she was upset about anymore.