Better Than Okay (20 page)

“
Never felt this way before…
boy the feeling that you give to me I can’t ignore. You’re my joy.”

Her heart was beating a hundred times a minute when she hit send.
It was the first time she’d played the lyric game since that night. But she
missed it. And Vanessa was always talking about how it was the little things
that mattered. That helped things fall back into the groove of normalcy.

She trained her eyes on the TV, watching the trials of Ross and
Rachel
unfold
in a twenty-seven minute episode. She
wished real life came with a hearty laugh track that had the magic ability to
gloss over any issue.
 

She looked up expectantly when the door opened less than five
minutes later. Brian stepped in bringing in a trail of heat and humidity with
him. He quickly shut the door, his eyes immediately falling on her.

“Hi,” she smiled, automatically lighting up at the sight of him.

He grinned and crossed the room, perching himself comfortably on
the edge of the armrest next to her. He brushed a finger down her nose.
 

“Hi. How you feeling?”

“Better.”

He let his eyes trail over her and she was surprised to see desire
there, especially since she had on his completely unrevealing boxers, a baggy
t-shirt and no make-up.

“Now that you’re back, Brian, you guys wanna go to the beach?”
Raven asked excitedly, dragging herself out of Dorian’s arms and sitting
cross-legged on the couch.

 
Everyone shrugged.

“But you can’t invite any of your skanky skanks, Clarence,” she
declared, eyeing him.

Dorian grinned, dimples showing. “Jealous, Chipmunk?”

She sighed dramatically. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. I just
enjoy being able to use more than two syllables when I talk to people.”

He poked her in the ribs and she laughed, swatting his hand away.
Raven jumped up. Energy practically dripped from her and for the first time
since she’d known her, Destiny felt a stab of jealousy. These days she couldn’t
muster up that much excitement for much of anything.

“Coolness! I’m ready when you guys are,” Raven said heading back
to Dorian’s room, probably to gather her stuff.
 
“Which is a nice way of saying let’s
go
now!”

Destiny laughed and Dorian got up and followed her to the back.
Destiny started to get up too but Brian slid down onto the couch, pulling her
onto his lap.

“I like you in my clothes,” he confessed, when she turned to look
at him curiously. “I think I like it even better than the red dress.”

His expression was solemn and she couldn’t stop a laugh from
escaping her.

“Why?”

She stared at him puzzled. He shrugged and grinned and her stomach
did its usual flip-flop. She wondered if it would ever stop doing that.

“It makes me feel like you’re mine.”

She grinned, her body warming. “So, you’d have no problem if I
walked around in your boxers all day? Or if I took a few of those t-shirts that
you refused to give me?”

He chuckled softly. “You can have whatever you want, cutie pie.”

He was smiling but his eyes were serious and the honesty and rare
display of vulnerability she saw in them made her want to crawl inside of him
and stay there.

“I am, you know… yours,” she breathed softly.

It was the closest they’d come to declaring any titles. It was
better than being called his “girlfriend,” more real. More honest. She was his,
for as long as he wanted her. They stared at each other for a long second
before he slowly brought her face to his and kissed her. It was soft and sweet
and his breath mingled with hers when he lingered against her mouth, his lips
simply pressed against hers, inhaling her.

She turned his cap backwards on his head so she could better
access his face and pressed her forehead to his, wanting so badly to tell him
she loved him that her insides felt like they might burst. But she held it
inside. There were still so many things she was afraid of, mostly because love
came with so many things. Things she didn’t know if she could handle.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” he murmured when she finally pulled back.

He pulled his phone out, his fingers moving quickly over the keys.
A few seconds later, her phone vibrated on the couch. She looked at him
curiously and grabbed it.

“
Raphael Saadiq, ’Skyy, Can
You Feel Me.’ Exclamation point.”

She smiled. She knew he understood the meaning of that text and
his eyes said as much when he looked at her again. He cupped the back of her
head and brought her mouth to his again, kissing her top lip first then her
bottom. Her heart was thudding in her chest. She was starting to fall in with
that kiss. He pulled back and she released a breath.

“Did you get whatever you had to take care of handled?” she asked
a little tentatively.

He nodded, his eyes growing distant.

“What’s up?” she asked him.

He met her eyes then looked away. “Nothing. I just had to send my
mom some money.”

His body had tensed and she studied him.

“She okay?” she asked finally, shifting slightly on his lap.

He nodded stiffly.

“Is she still in L.A.?”

“Yeah,” he answered shortly.

She frowned. Brian was never talkative, especially when it came to
his mom, but she knew she always had gotten more out of him than most people.
It bugged her that he was shutting her out when something was obviously going
on. She felt herself starting to tense up, thinking about what it would mean
for Brian if his mom slipped back into addiction.

“She’s still working at that restaurant or whatever?” she prodded.

He nodded again, releasing a quick breath.

“So is she…”

“She’s cool, Tweety,” he interrupted, hushing her. She studied his
face for a second, unconvinced.

“But are you sure you…” she started.

“Hey,” he said, cutting her off again. “Let’s not talk about her.”
His voice had dropped and he met her eyes. “I don’t want to think about my mom
right now, especially with you on my lap.”

He grinned and tightened his arms around her waist, nipping at the
side of her neck. She giggled and leaned against him, deciding to let it go.
She didn’t want to press him about what he obviously wasn’t ready to share. He
never did that to her, and she appreciated him more for it.

She kissed his cheek, nuzzling her nose against his stubble, then
sighed and laid back against him, content to just be in his arms feeling the
rise and fall of his chest against her back, the strength of his body
surrounding her.

“We’re supposed to be leaving,” she murmured, when he pressed his
lips against the side of her ear.

She ran her fingers lightly up his forearms, loving the way her
skin looked against his.

“Raven and the beach can wait.”

She chuckled and he pulled her closer to him. He was right.

Chapter 16

“We are so going to prison,” Destiny coughed as she inhaled.
“We’re on a public beach, guys.”

She glanced over to her right at Raven who was sitting
cross-legged on the oversized beach blanket next to her, digging her pedicured
toe into the sand. They were sitting right at the edge of the water and their
towels were close to getting wet, but none of them cared. They all wanted to be
as close to the water as possible.

Raven rolled her eyes.

“Oh, pipe down, Grasshopper. This is barely even illegal anymore.”

Destiny put the joint out and lay back on her towel, her head
resting comfortably on Brian’s outstretched legs, as he laughed.

“You are being a little dramatic, cutie pie,” Brian chided gently,
poking her lightly in the ribs as he stared down at her through his aviator
sunglasses.

She jumped and swatted blindly at his leg.

“Really, Tweet, cool out. You act like we’re smoking heroin or
crack or something,” Dorian chimed in. “This is medicinal.”

“Medicinal?” she grinned. “What exactly are we treating?”

“Our hangover,” he replied easily, grinning.

She giggled, securing her sunglasses over her
eyes, as she contemplated the sky. It was the final minutes of sunset and the
sky was dim, splashed with orange and red hues. She inhaled deeply, letting the
damp, salty air fill her nostrils.

Dorian adjusted the volume on the small speaker
that he had hooked up to his iPod and pulled Raven to him so that she was
sitting in between his legs.

“I thought you didn’t like emo shit,” Destiny
said dryly, as the Isley Brothers’ “Voyage to Atlantis” poured through the
speakers.

“But this is classic emo shit.”

She rolled her eyes and sighed, letting the
music drift over her as Ron Isley sang in his honeyed, serene tenor, “
If I go on my way without you, where would I
go? … I’ll always come back to you…
”

She glanced up at Brian and smiled. He brushed
her nose with the tip of his finger, his breathing even and calm, enjoying the
moment. He glanced over at Raven as she adjusted the strap on her bright green
bikini and fiddled with her phone. Frowning, she threw it into her oversized
beach bag and relaxed against Dorian’s chest.

“Do you guys think there’s such thing as loving
somebody too much?” she asked contemplatively after a few minutes of watching
the gentle waves slowly roll their way to shore.

“No,” Brian answered after a few seconds.
 
“I just think a lot of people confuse
love for other things.”

“Like what?” she asked, turning her head to
look at him.

He shrugged, absently smoothing stray strands
of Destiny’s hair with his fingertips. His other arm was splayed across her
stomach and he rubbed his thumb back and forth over her belly button. She had a
on a black one piece, but she might as well have been naked given the way the
simple touch ignited her body. She bit her lip, listening to his answer.

“Dependency, fear of letting go, fear of the unknown…
complacency….”

They were silent for a while, enjoying the
sound of the waves crashing and the kids that were playing farther down the
shore line.
“I think love is love,” Dorian said.

Destiny turned her head toward him. He was
still staring ahead, leaning back on his palms.

“You know, that whole concept of loving someone
too much seems like bullshit to me. Love is love. Period. If it’s really
love—and a lot of people don’t know what love really is, for the
record—but if it’s really love, I don’t think there are levels to it. You
either love or you don’t. Period.”

Raven looked up at him.
“You’re pretty insightful, Clarence.”

He grinned, his
baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes. “And you’re just pretty, Chipmunk.”

She smiled.
“You love me don’t you, Clarence?” she teased.

He grinned faintly, his
dimples barely showing. “Yes.” Destiny watched Brian glance over at him,
smirking. “Oh God, get a room,” she murmured, rolling her eyes as she
repositioned her head on Brian’s lap. She brushed some sand off of her fingers.

“Yeah, like you can
talk,
cutie pie
,” Raven snorted.

Destiny swatted at her,
but missed by at least a foot.

“Do
you want some water,
Brian
?” Dorian
added, mimicking her voice.

“Well,
sure, but only if I can drink it straight from your bath,
cutie pie
,” Raven responded trying to make her voice deep. She
pushed her glasses up on her forehead so that she could bat her eyelashes
exaggeratedly at Dorian.

Brian threw back his head and laughed and Destiny’s face flushed.

“Shut up,” she retorted, because she couldn’t think of anything
better to say.

She turned her head, gazing in the opposite direction and
immediately stiffened. Her pulse started racing as she sat up.

She pushed her shades up, her hand shaking as she continued
peering at the guy standing about fifty-yards away from them, laughing with a
couple of girls.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked immediately, looking in that
direction.

She was shaking now, trying to inhale and exhale, but it wasn’t
working.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, yanking his attention from the guy
to stare at her.

“Destiny?” Raven asked, sitting up from Dorian’s chest and looking
at her with concern.

Chill bumps had broken out on her arms and she tried to control
her breathing enough to get a coherent sentence out. Brian grabbed her
shoulders, gently shaking her.

“Destiny,” he said calmly but firmly.

“I think that’s him,” she whispered, her voice unsteady as she
continued inhaling rapidly. She looked at Brian, panic overtaking her.

Dorian jerked his head toward the guy and stared for a long second
then shook it.
 
His face was twisted
in a mask of anger.

“It’s not him, Tweety, he’s in jail,” he said softly.

She looked off toward the guy again, her chest heaving in and out.

“It’s not him, baby,” Brian repeated, his voice strained.

She looked up at him, pushing out quick, successive breaths. Brian
pulled her to him, holding on to her tightly.

“It’s not him,” he murmured, kissing the side of her face.

She nodded, trying desperately to cling to logic. She knew it
couldn’t be him. She knew it. She tried to inhale more slowly, her heart still
beating rapidly in her chest as Brian continued to murmur softly to her,
rubbing her shoulders gently. She started to calm down slowly and as she did
embarrassment and more powerfully, anger started to course through her. Raven
and Dorian were both watching her, worry, sympathy, and pity coloring their
expressions. It made her feel sick to her stomach. She’d just ruined yet
another event that was meant to be fun.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed, shaking her head after a long minute.
“It just really looked like… he has the same…” She paused, rage coursing
through her. “Fuck! I can’t fucking get it together!”

She scooted out of Brian’s arms and brought her knees up, resting
her head in her hands, shaking it.

“It’s okay, Tweety,” Raven said quietly.

“No, it’s not okay, Ray!” she snapped, her chest heaving.

Brian moved closer to her and pulled her back solidly into his
bare chest, kissing the side of her face. She inhaled and exhaled for a minute,
willing herself to calm down.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, turning her head to look at Raven. “I
didn’t mean to…”

“Don’t apologize,” she interrupted, her face showing nothing but
concern.

Raven exchanged a glance with Dorian who looked pissed. He
released a breath and looked over at Brian. Brian sighed and kissed the side of
her head again.

“I’m sorry, guys,” Destiny said again softly. She felt like she
was on the verge of tears, but none would fall.

“Don’t apologize,” Dorian repeated this time, forcefully.
 

He stopped, shaking his head. Raven scooted back against him and
he wrapped her in his arms, resting his chin on her head. Nobody said anything
for the next few minutes.

“You okay?” Brian finally asked quietly against her ear, so that
only she could hear.

She released a long breath and nodded.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “But I could really use another joint.”

He chuckled softly and wrapped her tighter in his arms.