Between (26 page)

“
I’m glad you liked it,” he said. “I’ve been working on it ever since that day in the library.” My mind flashed to that moment and my hand went automatically to the ring I wore hanging from Ravi’s chain.

Misunderstanding, he grinned at me. “I never did ask you if you liked the necklace with the music note. Can I see it?” He reached to pull the chain so the charm would be exposed and I jerked backward, fumbling as I stood up.

“
No, Ravi, I… oh God, I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.” I turned to go and he reached out, grabbing my hand.

“
What is it? What’s wrong?” I shook my head, pulling my hand free and clenching my fists, trying to gain control of myself.

“
Ravi, you are magnificent and I don’t deserve you.” He tried to protest but I cut him off, my voice shaking. “No, it’s true. You’re my best friend and I can’t stand to hurt you, but I can’t do this anymore.” The words echoed in the stillness of the room. “I never told you because I didn’t want to hurt you. But I’ve already hurt you so much more than I…” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, unable to look at him. “I died in that accident and I gave my heart away. It’s not mine to give you anymore, as much as you deserve it. I can’t be with you, Ravi. I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

A sob tore at my lungs and I ran out of the room, my hand over my mouth. I fled to the dorm, trying to outrun the frustration and pain, and collapsed on my bed. Stephanie murmured acknowledgment when I came in but rolled over and quickly fell back to sleep. Staring up at the base of Jen’s top bunk, I prayed that God would release me from this anguish. At long last, the solace of sleep arrived.

Curled up in Aiden’s lap, I ran one hand over his bare chest, brushing the light blond hairs with my fingers. He stroked my back, his fingers gliding up my silk nightgown until they wove in my hair at the base of my neck. His warm, musky scent enveloped me as we kissed, and a sound of pure pleasure emanated from deep in my throat. He slowly fell backward on the couch, pulling me on top of him. He breathed short phrases of love to me in French, sending a wave of tingles down my spine. I leaned forward and kissed him fiercely, the passion burning like fire in my chest. Our bodies molded together perfectly as I pressed against him.

But his kisses grew slack and I tasted the metallic flavor of blood on my lips. My hands slipped over his chest, suddenly wet and sticky. Hot iron burned my nostrils and I opened my eyes to see Aiden splayed out beneath me, his body limp and covered in blood, his sightless eyes staring right through me.

“
NO!”

I screamed and bolted upright. Both Jen and Steph rushed to my side, but I was already on my feet, pulling on my clothes. “I have to go. I have to get out of here,” I stammered, grabbing my coat. I ran down the stairs of the dormitory and out into the black night air. I threw up in the bushes right outside the door; the alcohol from the party scoured my throat as I retched.

The late spring rain chilled my skin as I crossed the commons area. Stumbling on the slippery grass, I ran with a desperate need to get away from the school, away from everything. Light from the streetlamps scattered in the pouring rain, reflecting dimly on the slick puddles under my feet. As I made my way into town, my lungs burned with fire and an ache stabbed me in the side, forcing me to slow down. The streetlights blinked red at the intersection, and I wandered across the deserted road, taking gasping breaths of the moist night air. Without conscious thought, I found myself headed toward the hospital. Father O’Malley’s request that I come see him if ever I needed to talk replayed in my mind and I picked up the pace again, eager now that I had a purpose. The nurse at the receiving desk of the emergency room took in my drenched appearance with mild concern.

“
I need to see Father O’Malley. Is he in tonight? It’s an emergency.”

Surprise flickered in her eyes but her professional expression of calm never wavered. She consulted a schedule on the computer and gave me a reassuring smile.

“
He’s here this evening. I’ll call him to let him know you need to see him. He may be with another patient though, so I’ll need to ask you to sit and wait until he is able to meet with you.” She gestured to the bank of chairs in the lobby and I anxiously ran my fingers through my sopping wet hair.

“
Tell him to hurry, okay? I really need to talk to him.” She nodded and handed me some paperwork on a clipboard. I stared at it blankly, then took it over to a hard plastic chair and sat down.

Visions of Aiden and Ravi whirred through my mind, and I squeezed my eyes shut to try and block them out. My hand shook as I tried to fill in the simple form that required my name and address. I returned the clipboard to the nurse, trembling with cold and desperation. She mumbled something into the phone and then turned to me as she hung up, her tone pleasant and unconcerned. “He will be with you soon.”

Pacing around the small waiting room, I picked up a magazine and thumbed through it, not seeing it at all. The wall clock’s ticking pounded on my temples; the space between each second grew longer and longer. I dropped the magazine and wrung my hands, trying to take deep breaths as tears threatened to overtake me.

Oh God, I am losing it. Help me!

“
Lindsey?” Father O’Malley’s kind voice broke through my despair and my heart leaped at seeing him again. I wanted to fling myself into his arms and tell him everything, since he was the only one who knew my secret. “My goodness, you are soaked clear through. Did you walk here? No matter, come to the chapel. I will get you a warm blanket and some tea. Thank you, Gladys.” He smiled at the nurse and led me by the arm down the hall.

Once inside the sanctuary, I started to calm down, the twisted knot in my gut slowly unraveling. Six rows of wooden pews faced an altar and a cross, with a place for kneeling at the front. Dozens of votive candles adorned the altar, their light casting a warm glow on the stained glass windows on either side of the cross.

I huddled in the pew closest to the altar and Father O’Malley wrapped a heavy blanket around my shoulders, then sat down beside me. The surprise at seeing me had worn off and he was as calm and composed as I remembered him, his face giving away nothing except a faint curiosity. I stared at the cross, which flickered with shadows from the candles.

“
Father, you have to forgive me. I… I’m married to Aiden and I kissed someone else tonight.” Guilt and shame pressed down on me as the vision of Aiden’s glassy, lifeless eyes seared my mind. I told the priest everything that had happened since I’d seen him last: confronting my mother about her affair, my father’s near suicide, Ravi and the song he wrote. He listened, as I knew he would, as the words spilled out of me. The relief of being able to talk about my pain—and to someone so kind and caring—was like a salve on a burn. When I’d emptied myself, I took a deep breath, still shaken but somehow comforted by the soft glow of the candles on the altar and the chaplain’s presence.

“
I hesitate to suggest this, Lindsey, since I know that your feelings are certainly real. But is there a chance that what you experienced was—”

“
Oh! I completely forgot!” I cut him off, knowing what he was going to say.

I reached into the neck of my wet blouse and pulled out my wedding ring, which hung there as tangible evidence of Aiden’s love. When I told him what it was, his eyes grew wide and he tentatively reached out to touch it. I unclasped the necklace and dropped it into his hands.

“
I was wearing it when they pulled me from the car, but the paramedics took it off. I didn’t find it until after I left the hospital.”

He crossed himself and murmured something I didn’t understand as he held the ring in his open palm, the chain dangling through his fingers.

“
It was real, Father. And I miss him so much I can hardly breathe. God brought me back here and I think I understand why. I mean, at least, for my father… but I can’t be free here when my heart belongs to Aiden. I’ve wanted to die—thought about it often, in fact. But I know that’s not the solution. I just don’t know what to do. It hurts so bad.” I stared at the candles with an empty, throbbing ache in my chest. He placed the ring in my hand and closed his fingers around my fist.

“
You’re right; suicide is not the answer. God brought you back to this earth for a reason, of that we are sure. But He also provided you with this extraordinary ring as proof of your marriage to Aiden, so we can only assume He wants you to remember that as well.” He shook his head slowly, deep in thought.

“
Let us pray, Lindsey, and seek His will.” He moved to the altar and knelt down, and I followed him, unsure of what to do. We bowed our heads and he prayed aloud for guidance, for God’s will to be shown to us, for peace that passed all understanding. My heart joined in with him fervently. When he finished, we returned to the pew. Physically and emotionally exhausted, I gazed up at him with raw, aching eyes.

“
When I perform a marriage ceremony,” he said, “I use the phrase ‘Til death do you part,’ but in your case, life is what has parted you and Aiden. I think it’s the same. On earth, when you are separated from your spouse by death, you are no longer bound to the marriage covenant that you made. In your case, since your return to earth has separated you in a likewise fashion from your husband, I do not believe that you are bound to him while you remain here.” His words made sense, but they were like a knife in my heart. I shook my head vehemently. He touched my hand, his skin soft and warm against mine.

“
You need to grieve, my child. You have lost the man that you love, whether through life or death. He is gone and you must go through the grieving process in order to heal. Holding on to him will only hurt you further and draw out your pain. Grief is different for every person, so I can’t say how long it will take before you feel whole again. But you must begin. Find a place where you can be alone. Cry and pray and let out the painful emotions inside of you. Write a letter to him, say goodbye, whatever it takes. Read your Bible and ask God to comfort you. He says ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ Let Him comfort you in your mourning, Lindsey.”

I remembered with shame the beautiful two-tone Bible that he’d given me that lay untouched on my dresser. I hadn’t the strength to disagree and reluctantly admitted to myself that he might be right, as painful as it was to contemplate letting go. The longing for Aiden was tearing me apart and the prospect of healing was like a pinpoint of light in the darkness. He prayed for me again and then kindly drove me home.

I didn’t get out of bed all day Sunday and when finals began on Monday, I was at least rested if not focused. At the end of each day of testing, I crawled back in bed and stayed there. My roommates were worried about me, but I told them I was just tired. It was true; I was tired. Tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of feeling like half my soul was missing. So I slept.

At the end of finals week, Jen and Steph were packed up for the summer and hugged me goodbye, their concern evident. “I’ll be fine,” I assured them. “Next year is gonna be better, just wait.” I gave them a brave smile and promised to email them over the summer. Sitting on the bed after they left, I knew what I needed to do. I picked up my cell phone and called my dad.

“
Hi, Dad. Yeah, finals went okay. I won’t know how I did for a few weeks though, since they still have to be graded. Yeah thanks, I hope I did well. Um, listen, Dad? I… I’m not coming home right now. I need some time away, some time to myself so I can just think. It’s been a really rough year. No, it’s not your fault. I just need to be alone for a while, so I’m gonna to go to the cabin. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. Maybe I’ll get a job in town or something, but I need to go.”

Thankfully, he understood and even insisted on adding to the cash card he’d given me so I could buy supplies. “Thanks, Dad. I love you.”

“
I love you, too, pumpkin. Call me if you need anything, all right? Be safe.” I promised him I would and hung up, then just stared at the phone.

I busied myself with packing up and going into town to buy the necessary supplies for a couple of weeks at the cabin. In truth, I had no idea how long I’d be there. I just knew I had to go. The doctor’s words echoed in my head as I pulled onto the freeway heading north.

It’s not going to be fun, but the only way to get better is to work with the pain instead of trying to avoid it.

So I drove headlong into the pain and the closer I got to the cabin, the more excited and anxious I became. I told myself he wouldn’t be there, that it would be empty, but just the idea of standing in the place where I’d seen him last made my pulse quicken in anticipation. Moonlight struggled to illuminate the hazy midnight sky as I finally pulled onto the dirt road. Driving slowly, careful not to kick up dust, I held my breath until the dark shape of the cabin was visible in my headlights. I shut off the car and stared at it, unable to go in.

Give me strength, Lord.

I left the headlights on so I could see the path to the front door and felt around underneath the eave for the spare key. A sliver pierced my finger and I jerked my hand away, irritated, then grabbed the key and unlocked the door. The floorboards had swollen over the winter so I had to shove hard to get it open.

Well, fixing that will give me something to occupy myself at least.

I flipped the power switch on the electrical panel and a low, steady hum filled the room as the antique refrigerator sprang to life. When I turned on the light in the kitchen, my eyes immediately went to the little card table where he’d sat watching me cook breakfast. My chest constricted and I couldn’t breathe.