Between (22 page)

The next thing I knew, Mom was slapping me lightly on the cheek, her voice frantic.

“
Lindsey, honey, wake up. Oh God, oh God!”

I shook my head, staring at her in shock. My breath came in quick, ragged gasps. Instantly, I clenched my fist tight and was soothed by the feel of the cool metal against my palm.

“
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! I meant to get rid of that bag but I couldn’t find anyplace to throw it away. I never meant for you to see that. The nurse pulled it out from under your bed right before we left and handed it to me, so I just stuffed it in with the rest of your stuff. I don’t know why they even kept it.”

“
It was under my bed the whole time?”

She nodded, her face contorted with guilt and worry. Images of Aiden sliding the ring on my finger poured over me and I clamped my eyes shut, struggling to breathe. My whole body shook with the torment and exultation of knowing that everything was true, that it had really happened and now he was gone.

She gathered up the bloody clothes and stuffed them back into the bag. “I’m going to get rid of these right now. I’m so sorry.”

When she left, I slowly opened my fist, staring in awe at my wedding ring. I slipped it on my finger. It fit perfectly, just as it had when Aiden gave it to me. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

Aiden, it’s real. All of it was real. I still have your ring, Nanny Fraser’s ring.

Mom came back and I quickly hid my left hand between my knees. She was a nervous wreck, strain etched on her face, and I took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together.

“
It’s all right, Mom. I was just surprised. Really, I’m fine.”

She looked at me warily and then let out a heavy sigh. “That’s really not how I wanted to start this off. I’m supposed to be taking care of you and as soon as I get you home, you faint.”

“
It’s not your fault. It’s no big deal.” I put my right hand over hers and squeezed.

“
Let’s get out of here and go get some dinner. Do you know of any good places?” she asked. I smiled and mentioned a little Italian place downtown.

“
Would you give me a minute, Mom? I want to, uh, freshen up a bit.”

She patted my leg and shut the door behind her, leaving me alone to admire my ring. I splayed my fingers out and turned my hand from side to side, watching the sun beams dance off the clear gems, making little streaks of light on the wall. Reluctantly, I took it off and held it to my lips for a moment, then undid my necklace and slipped it onto the chain. The solid weight of it rested on my chest under my shirt, close to my heart.

Thank you, God.
I prayed silently and pulled a comb through my unruly hair. I put on some lip-gloss and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My face had healed completely, a thin white line through my right eyebrow the only visible scar, but I was not the same girl I’d been before the accident. And I never would be the same.

“
Hello, Mrs. MacRae,” I whispered to the girl in the mirror and she smiled back at me, cherishing the secret we shared.

The final week of the year was mercifully uneventful as Mom and I adjusted to living together again. Because we spent so much time together, I started to notice little things about her. She’d always been particular about her looks, but I’d never realized how much time it took her to get ready in the morning. She took forever to do her hair and make-up, and would often completely change outfits between getting up and leaving the house. In truth, I preferred the way she looked at the end of the day when she’d wash her face and sit with me in front of the TV in her pajamas. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was more real somehow than the face she showed the rest of the world.

Dad called me every other day to check in and see how I was doing, which was sweet but awkward. Mom never left the room while I talked to him, but would pretend she wasn’t listening, becoming suddenly engrossed in the television or a crossword puzzle. Of course, I could tell she was hanging on every word, so I tried to be as vague and nonchalant as possible. I disliked being in the middle of their bitterness toward one another, so my conversations with Dad were always brief. After one of his calls, she asked me in a disinterested tone how he was doing and I just stared at her, confused. She waved it off and shrugged.

“
You’re right. It doesn’t matter. Never mind.” She never asked again, but the subject of my father was always there between us.

Sick and tired of being sore all the time, I missed my friends and Aiden most of all. The constant rain only added to my overall crankiness and boredom, trapping me inside. As it was, I had no one to go see anyway. Even though I knew he was staying in town over the winter break, Ravi hadn’t called me once, which relieved and irritated me at the same time. On New Year’s Eve, Mom apparently decided that she’d had enough of my moping around.

“
Lindsey, we need to do something fun tonight. Nick has to work so he can’t come down, so it’s just you and me in this God-forsaken little town. Still, it’s New Year’s Eve for crying out loud and we need to celebrate.” She grinned at me expectantly, waiting for my suggestion of a lively evening’s entertainment. I just shrugged.

“
What about a game?” she suggested. “Do we have any around here?” She got up from the couch and pawed through the drawers in the entertainment center. “There’s a deck of cards,” she said, holding them up. “We could play cards like we used to at the cabin, remember?” I dropped my gaze as I remembered little Aiden playing cards with his brother and aunt, the satisfied grin on his face when he won.

“
Come on, it’ll be fun,” she coaxed. “Do you know any good games or should we just play gin rummy?” I nodded, smiling reluctantly at Mom’s excited face.

Work with the pain. That’s the only way to get through it.

“
Yeah, I learned a new one not that long ago. He called it… I mean, it’s called ‘Poque-Deux’ and it’s kinda like poker. It’s actually pretty fun, only…” I tried to think of how to explain the game without the spoils of victory. “I guess we could just keep score on a notepad.”

“
How do you usually keep score? Lindsey…?” she asked with a suspicious smile.

I squirmed under her penetrating gaze.

“
Um… the winner of each hand takes a shot of whisky,” I said finally, not looking at her. To my surprise, she clapped her hands and threw her head back with a raucous laugh. I raised my eyebrows at her in surprise and she grinned at me mischievously.

“
Oh, come on. Do you think your mom’s such an old fuddy-dud that she thinks college kids don’t drink? I was young once too, you know. And I’ll bet I did plenty worse than you’ve ever done. You’ve always been a goody two shoes, to be honest.” I opened my mouth to protest and she waved a hand in dismissal. “Really, it doesn’t bother me in the least. It’ll be fun. Let’s go to the liquor store and I’ll let you pick out the bottle.”

My jaw hit the floor and she laughed with girlish glee, dragging me off the couch and shoving my coat into my hands. Fortunately, I hadn’t taken any painkillers in a while or alcohol would have been out of the question. As it was, we had the kitchen table decked out with dessert, the bottle of whisky and two shot glasses within an hour. We didn’t have buttons, so settled for a couple rolls of pennies to wager with.

Once the shock wore off, I really enjoyed teaching Mom how to play. She was fun to be with when she let herself relax. It had been a long time since I’d seen her really smile like that, and I felt closer to her than I had in years. It took her a bit to get the hang of the game and I squirmed in my seat as I poured my first shot of whisky.

“
Oh, don’t be a pansy,” she said. “Bottoms up, Linds.” I threw back the shot, coughing a little as the fiery liquid ran down my throat. She slapped one hand on the table, making the pennies jump. “That’s my girl!”

“
You’re crazy, you know that?” I laughed and shook my head. She grinned back at me and dealt another hand. We talked and laughed all night, playing cards and occasionally stopping to watch fireworks or some New Year’s Eve display on television. After about three shots, I started to feel a little queasy. The last thing I needed was to get sick.

Yeah, crack another rib puking up whisky. No, thanks.

I decided to switch to brownie bites for my reward, but Mom kept downing the whisky, her features softening as the alcohol affected her. She shuffled the cards and regarded me with a far-off look.

“
You’re lucky, Lindsey.”

“
Because I made it through the accident, you mean?”

“
No, not that, but that’s true.” She shook her head and dealt the cards. “No, what I mean is, you’re lucky because you have your whole life ahead of you. You could do anything, go anywhere, be whatever you want to be. In a lot of ways, I wish I could go back to those days, to be where you are again.” I didn’t know what to say. The silence stretched between us.

“
Have I ever told you how your dad and I met?” she asked, her voice wistful. I shook my head, intrigued but a little apprehensive, since the subject of my dad never seemed to end well. Still, she had a soft smile at the corner of her mouth like it was a pleasant memory, so I encouraged her to go on.

“
I was taking dance classes at the University of Washington,” she said, “and he was a sales and marketing major. We met in the cafeteria at school. He was behind me in line and made some inane comment about something on my tray.” She chuckled, her eyes lighting up in remembrance.

“
I don’t even remember now what he said, but it was pretty obvious he was trying to start a conversation. I thought he was cute though, so I let him sit with me. He made me laugh and he adored me. Followed me around like a lovesick puppy dog.” A shadow passed over her features and my chest tightened with worry.

“
I wanted to be a dancer. It was my passion. Did you know that?” She looked up suddenly, as if she’d just remembered I was there.

“
No. I’m surprised you never mentioned it before.”

“
Yeah, I loved jazz dance in particular: the flow, the movement, the energy. When I danced, I just… melted into the music like it was part of me, like air that lifted me and moved me. I don’t even know how to explain it.” She shook her head in frustration.

“
I got a scholarship to Juilliard in New York and I was going to transfer, but I got pregnant. I was going to dance and travel, see the world, make something of myself, but I became a mom instead and stayed home with you.” She tried to smile, but regret was written all over her face. Speechless, I just stared at her. She sighed and took a bite of chocolate chip cookie from the dessert tray.

“
Don’t get me wrong. I love you and I love being a mom, but I always wondered what could have been, how my life might have turned out if I’d gone. And you…” her eyes were tender as she gazed at me across the table, “you have that chance now, to choose what you want to do and follow your dreams. I have to admit, it makes me a little jealous.”

Cards be damned, she grabbed the whisky bottle and took a swig, foregoing the shot glass altogether. The announcer on the television started counting down as the ball dropped in Times Square. We both turned, watching it in silence.

“
Three, two, one. Happy New Year!” the television chimed. Mom’s eyes misted with tears. I got up and hugged her from behind, and she put her hand on my arm.

“
Happy New Year, Mom. Thanks for being here with me.”

She turned to look at me, a real smile on her face. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, sweetheart. I love you.” I kissed the top of her head and yawned, then turned in for the night, leaving her to her memories and the rest of the whisky.

Stephanie called on Saturday night and asked if I wanted to go to a movie, which lifted my spirits considerably. When I got to the dorm, she and Jen gave me awkward hugs, afraid to hurt me by squeezing too hard. It was weird being in my dorm room again, seeing the empty bottom bunk where I normally slept. It was home and I missed it.

“
So what movie are we going to see?” I asked, not caring, just thankful to be with my friends again. Jen rolled her eyes dramatically.

“
Well, the guys wanted to see Death Raiders and Steph wanted to see Sarah’s Promise.” She poked her finger in her mouth and made a gagging sound, then laughed when Steph smacked her on the shoulder. “But I convinced them it would be more fun to see a comedy, so we’re going to go to Vacation at Woody’s.”

“
The guys are coming, huh?” It made sense that Jen and Steph would want to hang out with their boyfriends, but since Ravi lived in the same dorm, I knew he’d be coming, too. My pulse quickened at the thought of seeing him again and I told myself I was being ridiculous. A knock sounded at the door.

Paul, Micah and Ravi waited while we grabbed our coats and followed them into the hall. The January drizzle stuck to my eyelashes as we walked to the movie theater. Paul and Jen walked in front, followed by Micah and Steph, with me and Ravi bringing up the rear by default. He fidgeted nervously and I tried to break the tension.

“
Hey, the cut on your forehead healed up really well,” I said. “I can barely even see where the stitches were.”

He rubbed the spot absently and nodded with a shy smile. “You’re looking really good, too. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ve been kinda worried about you, to be honest.” He spoke the last words to the sidewalk, and I remembered the last time he saw me, I’d been completely freaking out. Guilt flooded through me.