Between Shadows (18 page)
Authors: Chanel Cleeton
He walks into the room, closing the door with a gentle thud. He engages all of the locks before turning back to face me.
All it takes is a look for everything to change.
It’s like all of the air has been sucked from the room. I wait for him to go sit on the other bed. The room isn’t huge, but at least it would put some space between us. Instead, he stops in front of mine. He sets the food on the nightstand. He stands there, facing me, and I see the question lingering in his eyes.
I don’t know what answer to give. I’m nervous and I’m scared—not of him, but the craziness surrounding us, the fear that there is something destructive inside of me. And I’m sick of being both. I want him. It’s the worst possible timing and I don’t care. I want him now. Need him.
I pull back the sheets. For a moment, Luke doesn’t move. Then his lips curve. He slides into bed next to me and turns so he’s on his side.
My heart pounds.
We lie in bed facing each other, our bodies posed as if they’re mirror images. We’re nearly fully clothed, but something about the closeness leaves me exposed. Luke moves an inch closer. Our breath mingles. He reaches out, a fingertip trailing down my face. That simple touch lights a fire within me. Every time he touches me, I feel as though I’m going to combust.
We’ve been hurtling toward this moment for days now, both picking up where we left off and starting somewhere new entirely, on equal footing, without the cloak of our pasts and our covers shrouding us.
“Are you okay?”
I’m not sure if he’s referring to what’s going on between us now or to everything else. Either way, my answer is probably the same.
“I don’t know.”
“We can’t beat ourselves up. We can’t lose sight of the important thing. Maybe we’ve made mistakes, but we have a chance to change things now. A chance to end things with the Academy.”
There’s something in his voice—I’m not sure who he’s trying harder to convince—himself or me. I want to believe him. I want to try to be a different person; I want to escape the darkness that fills me. But it seems too easy, and nothing in my life has been easy.
“What we’ve done—”
Luke reaches out, his finger ghosting over my lips. “Is in the past. We have a chance at a fresh start now. A chance to be better.”
“What if we can’t?” It’s my deepest fear. “What if we can’t be better? What if we’re exactly what they made us to be? What if that’s all we’ll ever be good at, all we’ll ever know?”
“It’s not.”
“What if it is?”
Luke pulls back, studying me. “What’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what happened to the girl I’ve always known? The girl who isn’t afraid of anything. The fearless girl.”
I laugh, the sound hollow. “I’m anything but fearless.” He’s seen the claustrophobia, knows about the nightmares, all of it. If I really were fearless, I would be someone else; I’d be stronger. Sometimes it feels like I’m always afraid.
“Being human isn’t a weakness,” Luke answers. “Being vulnerable,”
I hate that word
, “doesn’t make you weak. You’re fearless because you are afraid of things. And instead of letting that fear define you, you defy it. Constantly. You aren’t afraid to fight for what you believe in. You
are
fearless.” He reaches out and grabs my hand, linking his fingers with mine. He squeezes gently.
His words unravel me, bit by bit. I want to be the girl Luke describes, but I see the blood on my hands, and I can’t escape the weight of that. Whatever Luke says, I’m responsible in the end. It may have been the Academy that directed me to act, but my hand took those lives. And even if he forgives me, I’m not sure I can forgive myself.
“I’m so fucked up,” I whisper.
Luke squeezes my hand again. “Then we’re perfectly suited for each other. Did you ever think that I’m pretty messed up myself? Maybe that’s what I like about you. I can be myself with you. Completely myself. I like that you accept that.”
I shake my head in amazement. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“How do you…” I fumble for the right words. “There’s a lightness about you despite everything else going on. How do you keep that lightness with you?”
He’s silent for a long time.
“Because there’s something I love more than I hate myself.”
Every muscle in my body stills. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I feel like I’m having a strange out-of-body experience, one I have no idea how to handle. He can’t mean—
“I love you, X. Always.”
I’m speechless. I hear that voice in my head again.
People make you weak.
Suddenly, this word “love” that he throws around is more terrifying than anything the Academy or Ares would do to us. I don’t know why, but I feel fear, real fear. If he loves me, if I love him, then I have something irreplaceable to lose.
“You can’t love me,” I sputter.
Luke grins at me. “Why can’t I?”
“Because…it’s crazy.”
“Okay, well then I’m crazy.” There’s laughter in his voice now.
“You’ve been gone for over two years. So much has changed. You barely know me. I’m not the same girl I was before you left. I’ve done things. Seen things. Horrible, ugly things.”
“Don’t you think I know that? Do you think I care? We come from the same place. We live in the same darkness. Don’t ever say I don’t know you. I’ve known you forever.”
“I hurt you.”
“And I forgave you.”
God.
“I’m a bad bet. Just ask anyone. I’m not sweet. I don’t have an ounce of romance in my body.”
His mouth claims mine, and suddenly, I’m done talking. There isn’t a shred of patience or tenderness in the kiss; it’s everything I could ever want and exactly what I need. His mouth is magic; his hands are wicked. There’s fire in this kiss. Fire, and excitement, and so much heat that throbs throughout my body—between my legs, my nipples, the pulse at my neck. It shouldn’t be this natural—being in Luke’s arms—but when his arms wrap around my body, his hands reaching out to stroke my bare skin under the thin T-shirt, it feels so right.
I can’t resist the urge to do a little exploration of my own. I begin on his shoulders, stroking, testing the strength there through the fabric of his shirt. He has a fighter’s body, full of corded muscles and steel. I want to run my mouth—drag my tongue, scrape my teeth—along his flesh. I want more. I want it fast, hot, and dirty. I want to forget that our world is fractured around us, that tomorrow we could meet our death. I want to savor every moment of tonight.
I lift his shirt at the hem, tugging it over his head, unable to stifle the sigh of pleasure that rips through me at the sight of his bare stomach and chest…and his shoulders. His pecs are a fucking work of art. His body from waist to pecs is a patchwork of tattoos—inks and swirls my fingers ache to trace. I want to ask him about them, want to know the story behind every one.
I start at the bottom of a large black tattoo that reaches from his stomach, just above his hipbone, to his chest. I trace the shape; with each touch of my finger his muscles bunch beneath my hand, the power contained there barely constrained.
As much as his body is a patchwork of mysterious ink, it’s also a map of scars, evidence of the battles he’s fought and the life he’s lived. I bend down, my mouth grazing the hard planes of his stomach. I kiss each scar, dragging my mouth against his flesh. Their presence makes me more comfortable with my own strength, my own flaws. Our bodies are covered in little scars, nicks, and scratches.
“I dreamed about this,” he murmurs, hissing as my teeth graze his skin. “I dreamed about this, remembered our night together a million times, but
fuck
if this isn’t way better than anything I ever imagined.”
“Same,” I gasp.
He moves out of my grasp and reaches down, pulling the shirt over my head, baring me to his gaze. A wave of self-consciousness fills me, but as quickly as it sprung up it’s gone, replaced by the look in his eyes. Luke stares at my body like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
With little effort he rolls me over, breaking our kiss and bringing me on top of him, my body straddling his. He’s so big beneath me; for the first time in my life, I actually feel small and delicate. It’s such a strange sensation. I stare down at him, a flush spreading over my face.
His lips curve in a knowing smile. “I love that you blush.” He reaches up, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “I like the tough X. I like knowing you can take care of yourself, that you can kick someone’s arse while barely breaking a sweat. I love your strength.” His voice is husky, his words meant to soothe. “I love your softness, too,” Luke continues. He grins at the look of surprise that flashes across my face as something tumbles in the vicinity of my heart. “You’re soft. You think that makes you weak, but it doesn’t. It’s a part of you. Another part that makes you beautiful.”
No one has ever called me beautiful before.
“You’re beautiful, X.” He kisses my cheek. “Inside and out. I just wish you could see it.”
I shake my head, so caught up in my own fear. I’m afraid of what I feel, of what he makes me feel, of what he takes from me. I’m scared of the way my body reacts to his touch. All I’ve ever known is fear. They gave me that. And it’s time for me to take charge of it. I won’t be afraid anymore.
I can’t see a future here; if we even live through Ares’s wrath, I doubt we’ll have many more nights like this. If tonight is all we have, I want it to be perfect for him. I want it to be perfect for me.
This is our night and I’m not going to let anyone ruin it. I may not be able to say the words to him—they stick in my throat, unwilling to budge. But I can show him.
And so I do.
It’s dark. Pitch black.
My body is paralyzed, my limbs unable to move. I’m sitting on a chair—cold metal brushes my legs, the edges cutting into my skin. A shiver slides down my spine.
“Don’t move.”
I hear the voice rising from somewhere in the darkness, cloaked in shadows. My body begins to shake. I have to obey, have to do exactly as the voice commands me.
The sound of footsteps fills the room, moving closer toward me. I want to bolt, but I can’t make my legs move. I try to lift my arms, but no matter how hard I try I can’t. My body is useless. I’m not sure if it’s dread, or fear, or something else entirely that paralyzes me.
The cold bite of steel around my wrists cuts into my flesh. With each movement, my skin brushes up against the metal.
I’m cuffed to the chair.
“Don’t move,” the voice calls out again—a man’s voice.
And then I feel the bite of the needle poking into my skin, sending me into oblivion.
###
I wake bathed in sweat, a bloodcurdling scream ripped from my throat.
I bolt upright, my heart pounding madly, my chest rising and falling with rapid, shallow breaths. I recognize the impending panic attack immediately.
“You’re safe.”
I jerk my head, my eyes wide. Luke sits next to me, the sheets pooled down around his waist, his chest bare.
“You’re safe,” he repeats, his voice soothing. He moves toward me.
I shake my head. “I can’t.” I have to force the words out around the boulder lodged in my throat. “Don’t touch me. Not yet. I can’t.”
He pulls back, concern in his gaze. “What can I do?”
“Turn on the lights. All of them.”
I want to erase the darkness. I pull my knees to my chest, hugging my body. Suddenly, the room is bathed in light. Luke comes back to join me.
“Better?”
I nod.
“What’s wrong? You were screaming.”
It’s been years since my dreams have been this bad.
“I had a bad dream,” I whisper, hugging my body tighter.
Luke is silent for a moment. “It wasn’t just a dream, was it?”
I rock back and forth, unable to look at him. Minutes pass before I can answer him.
“No. It wasn’t just a dream.”
“Can I hold you now?”
“Please.”
He moves closer to me, wrapping his arms around my body, enfolding me in his strength. I close my eyes, relishing the touch of his bare skin against mine, the scent of his cologne. He kisses the top of my head.
“Luke?”
“Yeah?”
I close my eyes. “I think they did something to me when I was younger. I can’t remember it—not entirely. But something happened to me back then. Before I came to the Academy.”
He doesn’t answer me for a beat, and then sadness fills his voice. “I think so, too.” He shudders, squeezing me tightly.
It feels good to tell someone. It feels good to not be alone.
“Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“Make me forget.”
So he does, and afterward we fall asleep wrapped in each other, the lights on.
###
“Hi.”
A smile spreads across my lips. “Hi.”
And then the dream—and my reaction—comes rushing back. I’m exposed, unsure of myself. I move away, leaning down to find my discarded shirt.
“Please don’t. Don’t shut down on me. Not after last night.” He kisses my shoulder. “It’s okay to let your guard down.”
God, he knows me well.
I nod, unable to form the necessary words. I can practically feel his body all over mine; the scent of him surrounds me. And I need a moment to breathe.
He doesn’t mention the dream, and the last thing I want is to let it tarnish this moment between us more than it already has.
The alarm sounds.
Luke sighs, leaning across me to turn it off.
Our flight back to London leaves in a few hours.
We dress quickly, stealing glances at each other. Luke hums a song under his breath, and despite my earlier tension, I can’t help but smile. I’ve missed this side of him—the fun and playful side. With each moment that passes the tension inside of me unravels, the darkness ebbing.
When he opens the door for me I hang back, taking one last look at the room, wishing we could hit “pause” on our lives, wishing that this moment of normalcy would last just a bit longer.
“Memorializing it?” he teases.
I roll my eyes, even as his words hit close to home. “Hardly.”
He tucks me under his shoulder, fitting our bodies together like they belong there. “Come on. Pretend we’re a young couple in love.”
“Meeting assassins over coffee?” I joke.
He laughs. “An
adventurous
young couple in love, then.”
Somehow I can do that.
###
We land in London, surrounded by a dense gray fog that fits my mood.
We split up at the airport. Luke heads for his flat to see if it’s still safe; I leave to get my sister.
The cameras are a big problem now. It would be so much easier if we didn’t live in a city with CCTV on nearly every block. I lift the collar of my coat, tucking my scarf even tighter around my neck, using it to cover my chin. I stay off of public transportation, not trusting the Tube.
I spend more time making sure I’m not being followed than I normally do. It’s hard in a city like London. The sheer volume of it—the streets teeming with people—makes it difficult to tell who’s a threat and who isn’t. After all, crowds can hide all manner of sins.
Grace has agreed to slip away from the rest of the group at the shelter and meet me a block away. My heartbeat picks up the closer I get, adrenaline rushing through my body. I’m so used to having her with me, to always knowing she’s safe. She’s the constant bright spot in a sea of dark.
Grace—and now Luke.
I stop on the street corner, scanning the crowds of people, my gaze drifting—
There she is. Her face breaks out into a huge, beaming grin at the sight of me.
“X!”
She rushes toward me and I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight, wishing I could keep her safe like this forever. I pull back, my gaze running over her. “Are you okay?”
Grace nods. “Are you?”
I force a smile, pushing all of the worry out of my mind. “I’m good. I missed you.” The words tumble out now. “I love you, Grace.”
She beams back at me. “I love you, too.”
I pull the stuffed camel that I bought her in the airport in Tunis out of my bag. It’s such a silly, small thing, but I know it will make her smile.
“I got this for you.”
Her smile widens and she grabs it, staring at the little camel with a look that tugs at my heart. There hasn’t been a ton of silliness or whimsy in her life, but from now on I’m going to change that, going to make up for all that she lost as an Academy asset.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going to Luke’s.”
###
We hole up at Luke’s flat, planning our next move while Grace cooks.
“Oscar’s coming to London.”
“How did you manage that?” I ask.
“Apparently, he has more information to share with us. He should be here the day after tomorrow.”
“Did you tell him about the house in Surrey?”
“He’s on it. Hopefully, he can get us a location soon.”
“And then what?” I purposefully keep my voice low so Grace won’t hear.
“I don’t know. Even if we know where Ares is going to meet, so what? We don’t have the manpower to take them on. Your sister is good with computers, but she’s young. And all Oscar has are his computer skills. He can’t fight. No matter how hard you and I try, no matter how good we are, we’re just two people. We can’t go up against an international organization.”
He’s right, but I wasn’t trained to run, and despite his concerns neither was he.
“You’re scared.”
It’s a new side of him, cocky replaced by cautious, and I can’t help but wonder how much of his change in demeanor is a result of what happened between us in Tunisia.
“This isn’t just the Academy anymore, X. This isn’t just about my mother or what they did to our families. This is a well-coordinated organization beyond anything we could handle on our own. You heard what Malcolm said. Maybe it’s time we did the smart thing and started running away from trouble instead of toward it.”
I jerk my head toward his bedroom, wanting to get away from Grace. Luke follows me, shutting the door behind us with a soft click.
“Is this because of what Malcolm said?” I ask, struggling to keep calm.
“No. It’s because there really is no other option available. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I just don’t see another way. I’m not going to risk your life. And what about you? You’re not going to risk your sister’s life. We each have people we care about. We need to make the best decision to protect the people we love.”
The word “love” sends a flutter through me. I push it away.
“I don’t need you taking care of me.”
“You think I don’t know that? Of course, you don’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop caring about you. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop worrying about you. You’re the whole reason I came back.”
I freeze. “You said—”
“I know what I said. I lied. I came back because I was worried about you. I came back because I wanted to know you would be safe. As angry as I was with you, as hurt as I was, I couldn’t imagine something happening to you. Yes, I wanted revenge. But I wanted to keep you safe more.”
I close my eyes, absorbing his words. I can’t see my way out of this mess we’ve gotten ourselves into. I can’t see my play here.
“What’s your plan? What do you propose?”
“We have to leave London.”
I was afraid he was going to say that.
“What kind of life will that be?”
“I have enough money and I can get more. We take Grace and we leave London. We go somewhere remote and we hide out for a bit. It worked for Malcolm. It could work for us.”
“What if it doesn’t? We’re just going to run? We’re going to let them win? What about your father? What about my parents? Don’t you think they’ll find us? Do you think they’re just going to forget about us? We’ll spend our entire lives looking over our shoulders. How is that any better?”
“What other option do we have? Are you willing to risk your life for this? Are you willing to risk your sister’s life?”
I sink down onto the bed, frustration filling me. I’m not used to being helpless; it’s a bitter taste in my mouth. There are no good choices here. All of our options are less than ideal. I don’t run, but I have to admit that he’s right; I don’t know how we can fight them. Not without help. And it always comes down to the fact that we don’t know who we can trust. Maybe he’s right. Maybe all we can do is run.
“Where would we go?”
“I haven’t thought that part out. Maybe an island somewhere. Someplace remote.”
Which is probably the first place they’d look. Not that a city would be any better. If they’re as well connected as Malcolm said, it doesn’t matter where we go. They’ll find us regardless.
“You really think this is the best plan?”
“It’s the only plan. We can explore our options when we’re somewhere safe. Safer,” he amends. “I’m not saying we have to give up the fight entirely, but in this case a tactical retreat may be our wisest play. How long have they had to plan? They’re running the game right now. We need a chance to change that.”
I hate that he’s probably right. We’re undermanned and outgunned. And I have to protect Grace.
“Fine.”
Relief fills Luke’s gaze. “I’ll start putting the documents together and getting the rest of my cash out.”
“How long before we leave?”
“A couple days, probably. It’ll take me a little bit to coordinate everything.”
“Do you think we’re really safe here until then?”
“Yeah. If they haven’t found this place by now, I don’t think they’re going to. It’ll be safe enough for a few days.”
A wry smile slips across my mouth. “Which alias is this one under?”
Luke laughs. “My most closely guarded one.” He moves away from me, walking toward the closet, and opens the wooden door. “Come here.”