Beyond Reason (10 page)

I started chuckling, and his expression turned to complete bewilderment. “Sorry. I’ve just heard that phrase twice tonight.”

“Maybe the universe wasn’t sure you heard the first time.” A smile broke onto his lips and the tension began to fade. He brought my hands up to his lips and gave them a soft, gentle kiss, and somehow, it felt like the most passionate kiss I’d ever experienced.

And it was on my knuckles!

A few moments of silence passed between us as I let what happened settle over me. It was just a quick kiss on the knuckles. I was sure he didn’t think anything about it. I was sure of it. Besides, he had someone’s number in his pocket. This was a complete friendship kiss, and if not, I knew exactly what would kill that switch. I crossed one leg over the other and noticed his gaze drop and run up my leg. Maybe the kiss wasn’t so innocent. Who knew, but I was on the verge of finally telling someone about my past—not the candy-coated version, either—and that ought to stop whatever thoughts were getting miscommunicated.

“So, Austin and I only had a few more months before high school graduation. It was like constant party mode. For once in my life, I no longer cared about school. I was all about friends and parties. Having fun was my one and only concern. And most of that fun included Austin and someone else. Someone I cared deeply for, my first boyfriend.”

“I thought Austin was your first boyfriend?” Ayden asked.

I shook my head. “My first boyfriend was actually Jake. We’d gone together from sophomore year on. He taught me what love meant. We did everything together, but senior year things started to change. He started to change. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but at that age I took everything personally. I thought it was me, but then he distanced himself from his other friends. When he backed away from his friendship with Austin, I knew something was wrong. By the time he broke up with me, I completely expected it, but it didn’t make it feel any better. I still hung around Austin and all of our friends, but Jake always had some excuse not to show up. Since he’d broke up with me, I thought he didn’t want to hang out with our friends because I was there, but that had nothing to do with it.”

Sliding my elbow onto the table, I propped my cheek on my hand and gauged Ayden’s reaction. It felt so natural telling him about me, my history. Ayden’s eyes were focused solely on me and the curiosity behind them was genuine. So was the kindness. I could do this. What I couldn’t even divulge to his sister, I could tell him.

“Austin and Jake had been best friends since grade school so when Jake wouldn’t even hang out with him, I got concerned. We tried talking to his parents, but they dismissed our concerns completely,” I continued.

“Austin kind of took over in my life. He became the person I confided in when Jake stopped taking my calls. He was there for me when I tried to get over my first love. And those last couple of months in high school were pretty magical. It was like he took all of the pain away from Jake. At first, we were uneasy about seeing one another since we were all friends, but our emotions called the shots by that point. I had become completely Austin crazy. But I still wanted Jake in my life or anyone’s life, but he just wouldn’t step out of his shell.” I swallowed the lump that started forming in my throat.

Ayden’s jaw tensed as he watched me begin to move my finger in a continual circle as if that motion would help me get through what I was about to confess.

“He needed help. Jake needed help and I failed him. Austin and I both failed him. When it happened, when I found him, Austin was with me. I had started getting kind of random texts from him. I didn’t understand them, and sometimes they were just links to odd cartoon sites or random bits of pop culture references. They usually happened late at night so I thought he was just partying too much with a crowd I didn’t know or something.” The hollowness began to spread throughout my body as I spoke. “He always loved to sneak alcohol everywhere. If someone needed it for a party, he was the man. I actually never asked how he got it, but he always did.”

I felt buried with guilt and grief, knowing I’d hid my truth, my history.

“I didn’t know he was battling so many demons, so much pain. Austin and I had just gotten out of a movie and were walking to his truck when I got the text from Jake. It was cryptic…Cryptic enough to understand his intent. I’ll never forget those two words.
I’m done
.”

“Oh, god,” Ayden whispered.

“I showed Austin the text, and he told me to reach out to his parents immediately, which I did. But they weren’t in the state. I got another text from him apologizing and telling me he loved me. By the time Austin sped into his driveway, I was already jumping out of the car. From the moment I grabbed the hidden key under the rock, to climbing the stairs, everything went into slow motion. It was dark inside the house. I yelled for him, but all I heard was the running water upstairs. Austin and I climbed the stairs two at a time until we finally reached the bathroom. He was in it. The water had overflowed the tub. His body was fully submerged. All I remember was Austin pulling him out of the water, trying to revive him. I fell to the floor, crying, holding Jake’s hand, begging for him to come back to me, to us. His parents had called the police on our way over to their house. There was a blur of medics and police. I remember watching the emergency personnel working on him, but nothing they did helped.”

Ayden’s hand was on my knee, and he was slowly shaking his head as the story I’d never shared with anyone finally had a listener—the listener of my choosing.

“Austin was holding me in his arms, sheltering me from seeing Jake’s body as they tried to revive him. Austin became my rock. He got me through the last weeks of school. I didn’t even want to bother showing up. I was fine with just throwing in the towel. But he was there every morning, helping me to get ready, driving me to school, walking me to every class. He’d take me by my favorite ice cream place on the way home and sit with me, either helping me with my homework or doing it for me. And it wasn’t like Austin wasn’t hurting. That was his best friend, but he helped me through it. My parents just wanted me to forget what I saw. And all of the texts I had gotten leading up to his death kept taunting me, showing me how selfish I’d become. That was all I could focus on. I mean, how could I not realize my ex-boyfriend was suffering so much? Austin was the only person who kept me on track. He continually reminded me of my dreams, told me Jake wouldn’t want me to throw everything away.”

“There wasn’t any jealousy as I mourned. Austin understood the place Jake held in my heart. I felt like Jake’s demons became entwined in my soul—in my life—as if they were going to start guiding me. My parents were tired of my relationship with Austin and didn’t recognize that if it hadn’t been for him, I probably wouldn’t have graduated. And all Austin wanted to do was shelter me, protect me. I was a wreck. Every night, I woke up with nightmares, the images of Jake in the bathtub. Some nights, Austin would sneak in through my window and stay with me, just holding me.” I took a sip of water and watched Ayden’s expression change to questioning.

“Your parents?” he asked.

“They were too worried about how everything would look come election time. They didn’t want it to look like I was in any way involved with Jake or his activities. He had gotten involved with drugs. We think that’s when he started to break away from us all, and we just didn’t know it. It came out that his blood-alcohol level was off the charts, and one of my father’s platforms was lowering teen drinking. You can imagine how that went down in the household. I was falling to pieces, and all they carried on about was how we looked from the outside. Things got very dark for me. Then came the rumors that Austin got some chick pregnant, and I bolted away to college without ever telling him goodbye.” The tears that had been balancing on my lower lids finally spilled over, and I closed my eyes, dabbing them with a cocktail napkin.

I felt Ayden’s arms wrap around me and pull me into him, and I finally let the pain escape.

“Was it true?” he whispered.

I shook my head. “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t run from my nightmares because he shared them with me. He reminded me of Jake, reminded me of everything I did wrong and nothing I did right to save Jake. I felt the only way to start over was to leave him and the memories behind.”

“I understand,” he replied, running his fingers through my hair to comfort me, and it did. He did. And there were no expectations of anything in return. We were quiet for a few moments before he said anything more. “Lily, you did nothing wrong. Those were Jake’s demons. You couldn’t have done anything. You need to let go of the guilt.”

“I hope to someday,” I whispered. “Thanks for listening.”

“That’s what friends are for. I’m here anytime you need me.”

I slowly freed myself from his embrace and looked into his eyes. “I really mean it. Thank you.”

“I know you do. And I can now understand why you’re willing to take it easy on Austin. It makes sense. What you guys experienced together is unfathomable and changed you both forever. I get it.”

I nodded.

“I’ll be there for you, no matter what happens. No matter which direction things go. You know that, right?” he asked.

“I do.”

The party was now nonexistent and the surroundings were in takedown mode. I glanced over at Tori, who was giving directions to the staff, when my eyes caught the blonde model now eagerly waving at Ayden. I followed her gaze back to his and my stomach clenched.

“Well, I’m gonna take off,” I replied. “And I guess I’ll see you tomorrow up north.”

I spun around before Ayden could give me some lame excuse, and I just waved behind me as I quickly texted the driver to take me home.

Everything did happen for a reason. Now I just had to figure out if I had to bother trying to ever figure out what the reason was.

I’d given my notice this morning—Christmas Eve or not—and drove up to Seattle for the holidays. Between that and talking to Ayden last night, it felt like my world had been reinvented, and I’d barely even done anything. Somehow I’d managed to pack everything for our Utah trip and haul it with me so I could take off from Seattle with everyone. I just stepped inside of Aaron and Brandy’s home and instantly felt at ease.

“We are so grateful to you for not killing our daughter for coming up with this crazy idea.” Brandy’s mom gave me a quick hug and laughed as I caught a funny look from Mason who was in the family room. He was talking to someone quietly, but from where I was standing, I couldn’t tell who it was.

“Well, I’m not going to make any promises until we make it through the trip,” I laughed.

“Am I really in trouble?” Brandy asked, pulling Aaron behind her.

I gave her a big hug as Aaron waved at me and picked up my bags of presents. He followed Brandy’s mom out of the foyer, leaving us alone.

Brandy was dressed in a pale blue cashmere sweater, and her hair fell softly around her face. She looked really beautiful and strong. Strong was the most important with everything she’d been through.

“Seriously, am I in trouble? Because you know Gabby is equally at fault,” she teased.

“No. You’re not in trouble,” I laughed. “But you better have some backup activities planned for me that don’t include a long lost boyfriend.”

“Noted. Gabby and Jason are on their way over, and I’ve got a ton of appetizers spread out so you better be hungry.”

I followed her down the hallway, bringing Ayden into view. So that was who Mason was talking to with such serious intent.

Mason’s eyes followed me as I walked past him and his brother. His brow quirked, and a grin spread across his lips.

“What we’re chopped liver?” Mason asked, throwing his hands in the air.

I started laughing and gave Mason a huge hug. He was just like his brother, like exactly, since they were identical twins. But I could always tell the difference from the moment I’d met them. Plus, they dressed completely different. Mason was in a t-shirt and baggy jeans, while Ayden was in dark green sweater that hugged his chest and shoulders—enough of skimming Ayden’s chest already!

And fitted jeans that hugged everything else.

Okay, now I was done.

Mason let go of me and Ayden came in next for a quick squeeze.