Beyond Reason (16 page)

His words chilled me to the bone. What was it with this message pounding me from every angle, especially when my life was built on one mistake after another? I obviously wasn’t getting the point, whatever the point was.

“I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m really happy to have you sitting in front of me now. It feels right.”

I nodded and reached for his hand. “It does feel right.”

“And you’re even more gorgeous than I remembered, and I can tell you my memory of you was pretty damn hot,” he laughed.

I didn’t know how he did it, but that one little statement put me at complete ease as the Austin I knew finally began to show himself to me, the carefree guy I had fallen in love with so many years before.

“I was thinking the same thing. But Google kind of told me what to expect before I made the trek.” I smiled and took a sip of my wine.

“You Googled me?” His brow arched as he smiled in satisfaction.

I bit my lip to hold in my laughter, forgetting what that used to do him.

“Do you have plans for tomorrow, during the day?” he asked, his eyes raked over my shoulders, flooding my mind with confused expectations that I decided to no longer try to understand.

“We were leaving it kind of loose in case,” I stopped myself, blushing.

“In case?” His lip curved slightly.

“I haven’t had the greatest track record.”

He started laughing and picked up his fork. “Don’t let it get cold, or I can’t stand by my claim that it’s the best steak in Utah.”

“So about tomorrow?” I prompted, cutting into my steak.

“I have a vendor meeting in the early evening, but I’d love to take you out on the slopes during the day,” he offered.

“I would love it, but don’t expect much. I haven’t had the luxury of getting to spend my days on the slopes,” I teased.

“It’s never too late to start.” He took a drink of his wine and so did I as my mind oddly wandered to everyone back at the condo, eating Ayden’s enchiladas, and enjoying one another’s company. I was no longer sure of what my expectations were with Austin, but enchiladas sounded good right now, and I missed the family I’d built around me to get me to where I needed to be. How could I be such a confused person?

“Everything okay?” Austin asked.

“Sorry. Just kind of overwhelmed with everything and nothing at the same time. If that makes sense.”

“It does,” he said. “But how about if we lighten up the pressure and just enjoy one another’s company while you’re in town and maybe get to know the people we’ve become rather than the people we used to be.”

Smiling, I took a bite of the meat and enjoyed the best steak in Utah.

“Well?” he asked, eyeing my plate.

“It’s melt-in-your-mouth delicious,” I said.

“I’m glad to hear it,” he laughed. “But that wasn’t what I was referring to.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “I think it sounds like a perfect plan. Thanks for giving me a chance. Something tells me you were vacillating.”

“I’ll confess there was a part of me that…” his voice trailed off.

“That what?” I prompted.

“That wanted to make you pay,” he said.

His honesty took me aback, but I appreciated it. I actually needed it.

“I kind of sensed that. And I’d braced myself for it.”

There was a comfortable silence between us as we ate our meals.

“I don’t think I can do another bite,” I said, pushing my plate away.

“That’s good because I don’t think there’s another bite to be had.” He smiled and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “I always appreciated that about you. You weren’t one of those girls who acted like they never ate.”

“Nope. Definitely not one of those.” I thought back to my night with Ayden and the steak dinner, Chinese food combo. “And if I’m having a particularly stressful day, I resort to two dinners.”

His eyes widened at my admission. “Well, it doesn’t show.”

“If I have to eat twice as much, I have to work out twice as much or else it does show. I surpassed the freshman fifteen and went straight for thirty before I realized that equation.”

He laughed. “That’s probably the real reason I’m on the mountain so often. I’d rather eat and drink whatever I want than miss out.”

The waiter asked if we wanted any dessert and we started laughing, especially once I said I did want dessert.

After we both ordered something sinfully delicious to end on, Austin’s expression shifted and his voice lowered. “The worst part of not talking to you was not knowing how you are, how you’ve been doing.”

My chest tightened with his directness. I knew where he was headed.

“Have your nightmares gone away?” he asked, his eyes probing.

I dropped my gaze and shook my head. “They’re less frequent, but I still get them.”

He nodded. “It always killed me that I couldn’t take away your pain. I always felt inadequate.”

I gasped and shook my head quickly. “Austin, if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t know that I would’ve survived. Those nights you’d sneak into my room and just hold me? Those were the nights that showed me I could survive, that I needed to survive. That’s why leaving was the most inexcusable thing...”

“But you had to do it.” His eyes fastened on mine. “I know you think you were running because you were afraid of losing me and maybe that’s part of it, but I think it was because I reminded you of him. If you left me behind, I think you thought you could leave Jake behind and the nightmare he passed on to you.”

My heart started hammering as I thought about what he said. He was right. I wanted to escape everything that reminded me of that night, but I could never escape it.

“I never called Jake’s parents,” I whispered.

“They knew you loved him, Lily. They knew we all loved him and we would’ve done anything to help him…if we could have helped him. But he made that decision. Jake made his decision, and it didn’t include any of us. Don’t hold onto the guilt. He wouldn’t have wanted that.”

And that’s when it hit me. Therapists always said there were five stages of grief and after this many years I just now realized I was still stuck at the first stage. I was in
denial
and I
isolated
myself from everyone I loved and who reminded me that he really was gone. I looked up at Austin and the tears sprang to life. He was right. I ran to isolate myself from the pain, to deny that he ever left us. Even when the nightmares woke me, I was content to remain by myself, to harbor my secrets, and never share my burden with others. I put myself in complete isolation, even with Gabby and Brandy, my two best friends. I only showed them the side I wanted them to see.

“I’m so angry at him,” I said, as an odd mix of relief and fury finally spread through my system. I finally said it, admitted it out loud. I finally hit stage two.

“So angry,” I repeated.

“You have every right to be,” Austin whispered, reaching across the table for my hand. “I know I was. I was furious with him. I blamed Jake for everything, including losing you. It took me a long time to get over it. Carter actually helped me to see that there was more to life than death. More to life than loss.”

I used the napkin to blot away the tears as Austin squeezed my hand.

“Thank you, Austin.”

“I didn’t do anything,” he assured me.

“You’ve done more than you can imagine.” I nodded.

We both ate our desserts in silence, and I wondered if there were any more enchiladas back at the house waiting for me. I certainly hoped so because tonight was nothing like I expected it to be, but then again that’s how life always seemed to be. I needed to get back to my friends and show them the whole me, not just the side I wanted them to see. And I needed to inform Ayden that his theory about whiskey and wine was seriously flawed.

Brandy and Gabby opened up the front door before I even made it to the top step. Snow was falling outside and the warm glow from inside called to me. I enjoyed spending time with Austin, but now I needed my family and that’s who was inside waiting for me. Even though these people weren’t blood, they were my family and tonight’s revelations only strengthened that line of reasoning. I could imagine everyone huddled around the fireplace or playing games in the loft, and I got excited at the thought of being with them.

“How did it go?” Brandy asked, glancing nervously at Gabby before pulling me inside.

“It went really well, surprisingly well,” I confessed. I tossed my hat and gloves on the bench and hung my jacket in the closet.

“That’s so cruel,” Gabby said.

“What’s cruel?” I asked innocently, grinning.

“You know what.” She scowled at me. “I want details, woman. Details!”

“Is the belle of the ball
finally
home?” I heard Ayden’s voice float down the hall and my cheeks warmed. “My sister wouldn’t shut up while you were gone. She even went snooping in the bar to find you.”

Brandy spun around and smacked him hard, really hard. “You promised you wouldn’t tell.” But she turned back to me, and her brows rose as she waited for my reply.

“We met in the bar and it got too loud. We went upstairs so we could hear each other,” I began.

“Upstairs?” Ayden questioned.

“He had set up a special dinner in a private dining room,” I corrected.

“I’m out,” Ayden said, jogging toward Mason who was now climbing the steps to the loft. “Too much info.”

Gabby watched Ayden leave, and she smiled a smile that made me wonder what she was thinking about.

Instead of me trying to figure out what just happened, Brandy pulled me into the great room, and we sank into the overstuffed chairs while Gabby brought over seltzers for us.

“So you guys had dinner?” Brandy pressed.

I nodded. “I have no idea where things will go from here.”

I heard all the guys upstairs howling with laughter as explosions sounded. They were obviously enjoying themselves in the land of
Call of Duty
. Gabby rolled her eyes as she heard Jason betting on something and then things got far too silent in the loft. The guys were plotting, which never led to good things.

“Okay, so was there a connection?” Brandy asked.

“He felt really familiar, and I liked that sensation. I missed being around him all these years. That part wasn’t a surprise. At first, it was awkward, but he made that feeling go away. He’s a really sweet guy.”

“Regardless of what my brother pulled up online?” Brandy asked.

“He showed you?” I asked, completely mortified.

“The two girls he made out with? Yeah. It made me doubt our plan,” Brandy confessed.

“Austin’s single and he’s been through a lot, a lot more than I realized. Besides, we’ve all had our wild moments.”

“You don’t say,” Gabby teased.

“Okay, maybe some of us more than others.” I rolled my eyes.

“So are you going to see him again?” she asked.

I nodded and took a sip of seltzer before answering. “Tomorrow. We’re going to go boarding.”

“Sweet,” Gabby said, dropping onto the couch. “So you won’t kill us when all is said and done.”

“No. It was good for me,” I acknowledged. “And he’s not shabby to look at either.”

“That’s the old Lily. I was wondering what happened to her,” Brandy laughed, but I noticed Gabby try to hide a chuckle, which struck me odd.

“He has a son,” I blurted out.

“Wait. What?” Gabby asked, leaning forward. “So the rumors were true?”

“No. They weren’t true, but it was far messier than I realized. You know how I’ve mentioned that my parents manipulate people and situations?”

They both nodded. “To say that’s what happened is putting it mildly. Since I never stuck around to find out any of this, apparently my father didn’t like the competition he was facing in the elections the year I left. The girl I heard the rumors about turned out to be the daughter of the other candidate. The short story is that she was bullied and pelted with nasty rumors online and that kind of led Christy and Austin to meet each other. And they dated in college…”