Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (12 page)

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The Tension Release Exercise

Goals

• Free up tension in your body with non-sexual massage

• Learn how to communicate positively about physical sensation
Duration

One to two hours

Note:
Powerful feelings and emotions can be released, sometimes quite unexpectedly, when you start to work with touch. This is normal and totally OK. You don’t have to do anything at all except ‘be there’ for your partner while he or she is experiencing the emotions or feelings. You don’t have to ‘fix’ it or make it better. If asked, hold your partner in a gentle embrace. The feelings will pass. It’s very healing.

What you’ll need to create your ‘Sacred Sex Space’

• A peaceful, warm space – ideally not your bedroom.

• You may want to invest in a mattress and washable cover for your ongoing exercises and ‘Sacred Sex’ time.

• Some nice music (see the Reference section for suggestions), candles and/or incense and any other thing you feel will create a special atmosphere.

• Some massage oil in a small bowl. Unscented almond oil is ideal; however, your local health-food shop will certainly have a range to choose from.

• Some towels that are OK to get oily, as you’ll need to wash them afterwards.

• A small clock with a second-hand.

Description

It doesn’t matter if you have never given a massage before, as the purpose of the exercise is not about working with muscles or even stimulating any

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particular part of the body. If you discover, as we did, that massage is a crucial part of getting your sexual energy going, you may want to do an introductory course or buy some ‘how-to’ books or videos to learn more about different techniques. Most people do just fine ‘going with flow’, however. The most important thing, as you will soon see, is communication.

Decide from the beginning whether you wish to be totally naked or not. This exercise is not about becoming sexually excited. We are all different when it comes to our level of comfort with being naked and how much the sight of a naked body gets our sexual energy going. If you find that you ‘just can’t help yourself ’ in the presence of a beautiful, naked man or woman, then a light wrap might help keep proceedings cooler.

I suggest you begin all of your practice sessions with a Greeting Ritual. This is a very simple, ancient practice that simply means taking time to see, acknowledge and honour each other. Sacred Sex is all about creating the physical, emotional and psychic space and conditions for sexual energy flow. If this sounds all a bit ‘airy-fairy’ then look at it another way. It’s pretty cool that you’ve got someone who’s willing to try this Sacred Sex stuff out with you, right? There’s nothing wrong with saying a small ‘Thank You for Being Here’ before getting started, is there?

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Sample Dialogue

Here’s a suggestion for how to do this:
Sit down facing each other. Take a moment just to hold each other’s
gaze before one of you says something like:

‘Thank you for being here with me right now. I really look forward
to learning about Sacred Sex with you. You’re great!’

The other person responds:

‘It’s nice to be here. I’m a bit nervous but there’s nobody else I’d
rather be naked and nervous with. I love you, too!’

Be real. You don’t have to come up with deep, meaningful expressions of undying devotion to the God and Goddess within each other. By all means, feel free to do so if the Spirit moves you. What we discovered was that it was the fact that we took the time simply to appreciate each other and acknowledge that we were spending some special time together that made all the difference.

Sometimes all that was needed was a simple deep look and a ‘Thank You’.

Now it’s time for the hands-on practice. First, decide who is to start as the Giver and who is going to be the Receiver for the first round. You’ll swap places later. If you can’t decide you can always flip a coin!

Receiver
: Lie down on the mattress on your stomach and get comfortable.

Make sure you are warm enough.

Giver
: Move to one side.

Now remind your partner that this is a feedback-based massage. Tell your partner that he or she will be asked for regular positive and directional feedback, and that you will adjust what you are doing as a result.

Sample Dialogue

Giver:
In this exercise you, The Receiver, are in complete control.

I am here to serve you and to discover what you enjoy and appreciate
while being touched.

I’m going to start by gently touching you on your back. Please give
me positive, instructive feedback on a regular basis. I need to know:

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• Does it feel good exactly where I am touching you or should I
move somewhere else?

• Is my stroke long/short/strong/gentle enough?

• Is there someway I can adjust what I am doing to be more pleasurable or is it just right the way it is?

If you don’t say anything at all I will ask you on a regular basis just
to make sure. Please use positive statements. Even if something isn’t
quite right, try to phrase your feedback in a way that is easy for me to
hear and that appreciates that I’m doing my best.

It’s OK to make nice noises.

Giver
: Before you start the actual massage, see if you can create a space of

‘unknowing’ in yourself. Consider the following thought:

‘I may think I know this person that I am about to touch but I’m open to the possibility that there is much that I do not know. I’d like to find out from him or her directly what he or she enjoys and try to learn how to give exactly what he or she wants.’

Now ask your partner to tell you of any particular places that he or she might like to have some attention paid to, such as a stiff shoulder or tense lower back.

Then, take some oil in your palm, let it warm up a bit and gently place your hands on the small of the Receiver’s back. Gently move in small circles to spread the oil out, up and down the back. Now move into performing a single movement. This could be a stroke or a gentle kneading action, whatever you like. As soon as you’ve gotten into the rhythm of the movement and have repeated it four or five times, ask for some feedback.

Receiver:
Give positive feedback when asked. Most likely you’ll find that it will take a few questions and answers back and forth to find out which particular stroke is just right.

Positive Feedback Sample Dialogue

What is positive feedback? It’s when you give someone information
in a way that encourages them and supports them, even when you give
information that could be perceived as criticism. An example of this is
the difference between:

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‘That’s not nice. Can you do something else?’

and

‘Hmm, thanks, but could you move up and

massage my shoulder a bit?’

The difference is that you accentuate the positive and give clear
instructions as to how to proceed to make the experience better. It can
be quite disheartening to hear negative feedback (and a mood-killer as
well) and it’s also much more efficient to tell someone what they can do
to be successful rather than just tell them that they are a failure. Most
people realize this, of course, but sometimes there are old, criticism-based feedback patterns that are hard to break.

Giver:
Once you’ve settled into something that works, just keep at it. Don’t change or stop unless, of course, The Receiver asks you to. Now, have a look at the clock and make a note of the position of the second hand. If after sixty seconds there has been no sound or statement, check in with The Receiver. If, after five minutes, you’re still on the same stroke, you can mention that you’re going to move to a new area and ask, again, if there is any place in particular that needs attention. The process of asking and listening as you touch is an important part of this exercise, as it builds trust.

Note on Arousal

If you discover that Sexual Qi is being aroused (even though the
Giver should attempt to steer clear of any specifically sexual touch), say
so. If the Receiver communicates that Sexual Qi is being aroused, it is
an opportunity for the Giver to:

•

Note the spot/stroke for future reference

•

Slowly pull back from what you are doing
Giver:
Carry on with the massage and feedback. A neat tip that Mieke taught me is always to keep one hand touching the Receiver. So, if you want to move from one side of the Receiver’s body to the other, you simply keep one hand lightly resting on the Receiver’s back. This keeps the connection and avoids the