Beyond the Breaking Point (30 page)

“I had sex with Max,” Cassidy announced in the voice of doom.

“Of course you did,” Erika said. “Isn’t that why we’re playing America’s favorite new television pastime, ‘Who’s the daddy’?”

Cassidy glanced over her shoulder to make sure the door to the lounge was still closed and no one had entered, then sagged onto the couch and gazed morosely at the vending machines. “No, I mean I did it again. Last night.”

“I knew it! I told you it would happen again,” Erika cackled with delight. “Deets! I want deets! Was it as good as before?”

She closed her eyes and did a full-body shiver of remembrance. “I swear, Erika, the man is like crack. One hit and you’re addicted.”

“Oooh! Sounds good.”

“No, it’s bad. Very, very bad. I’m a married woman—”

“One who’s filed for divorce and has separated from her husband.”

“And to make matters worse, Phillip showed up at the apartment last night. If he’d have been five minutes earlier, he’d have caught us in the act,” she said glumly, her conscious riding her hard.

“Phillip caught Max at your apartment? Oh my God! What happened? Did you have to call the cops? Are you all right?”

“Relax. He didn’t know Max was there. Phillip buzzed and wanted me to let him in. I refused, telling him I was on my way to bed—” 

“With Max?” Erika guessed, snickering.

Cassidy ignored her mirth. “Can you believe Max actually wanted me to tell Phillip he was there?”

“Well, why not? It’s not like you two are hiding your relationship. Are you?”

“Erika!”

“What? It’s a valid question and you know it.”

Why hadn’t she wanted Phillip knowing she was with Max? She stared at the ceiling blankly, sorting through the words to express how she was feeling. “I’m doing the same thing I accused Phillip of. Actually, what I’m doing is worse.”

“No, it isn’t,” Erika said firmly.

“Yes, it is. The first time with Max, well, that I could justify. We were angry, drunk, and not thinking clearly, but last night? That was more than sex. It was…” She didn’t have the words to describe it. Or maybe she was afraid to put into words what she was feeling.

“Sounds like this thing between you and Max is getting serious,” Erika said, no hint of amusement in her voice.

“He invited me to his mother’s house for dinner tomorrow night to meet his family. I was able to stall, but only because I’m on call this weekend. What am I going to do? I still love Phillip. I don’t want to be married to him, but that hasn’t changed my feelings for him.”

“And Max?” Erika asked.

“He’s getting to me. When I’m with him I don’t feel…insignificant. He looks at me like I’m his whole world. He makes me feel sexy, desirable, beautiful.”

“Oh, honey, do you hear yourself? Do you realize what you’re saying?”

Cassidy planted her elbows on her thighs and dropped her forehead into her palm. “I’m scared, Erika. Phillip made me feel all those things at first too, and look how we turned out. I thought Phillip was everything I wanted and needed in a man and that I was what and who he wanted as well. Now I wonder if everything was a lie, and if I was so wrong about Phillip, what does that say about my judgment?”

“Talk to Max, Cassidy. Tell him how you’re feeling. I’ve never been in your position so I can’t tell you what to do, but I understand the fear. You were betrayed by a man you trusted. Not just once, but twice. That’s not an easy thing to bounce back from.”

“I wish that were all. Then I might be able to get past it, but there’s more. How do I know if this thing with Max is real? We both were hurt. Wouldn’t it be natural for us to turn to each other? But do relationships like this ever really last?” Cassidy asked.

“Is it really so hard for you to believe that Max might want you?”

How did she explain her fear of moving forward, but also her pain at the idea of letting go? How she felt like an absolute failure as a woman, a wife, and wondered if, in spite of everything, there was something she could have said or done to prevent the breakdown of her marriage? And if she hadn’t been able to satisfy Phillip, what hope did she have of keeping Max who between his looks and money could have any woman he wanted?

“He wants me now, but how much of it is due to the circumstances? And don’t forget, he believes the baby is his. Max isn’t the type of man to walk away from his responsibilities. In fact, he’s a bit old-fashioned. I think in his mind the baby and I are a package deal.”

“I think you’re selling yourself short. You’re a beautiful, educated, and successful woman. You have a good heart and a sense of integrity and honor. Any man would be proud to have you.”

Cassidy laughed. “Sure they would. That’s why my husband had to watch porn flicks to get it up before he came to me,” she said bitterly.

“Phillip’s an asshole. We both know that. Don’t base your self-worth on his jacked-up standards,” Erika said fiercely.

Groaning, Cassidy said, “You’re right. My head knows you’re right but my heart, it’s going to take some convincing.” She sighed. “Erika, I’m a mess.”

“No, you’re pregnant. It’s like perpetual PMS. Your hormones and emotions are all over the place. Plus, you’re going through a divorce, which is one of the ten life stressors, and your husband’s stalking you in a misguided attempt to win you back. Your mother threw a major guilt trip on you and on top of it all, you just moved out of your home of five years and your career is a busy, demanding one. Basically, you’ve been through a lot. It’s a wonder you’re not curled up in a corner somewhere sucking your thumb.

“You’ll find your balance eventually. In the meantime, give Max a chance. I know you think I’m being a romantic, but Max is a really good guy. I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit. If he’s moving too fast for you, tell him. Explain how you’re feeling. He’s got be having a few issues of his own. He’ll understand,” she said simply.

“I’ll think about it,” Cassidy said, unwilling to commit.

“You do that. Now go feed that baby. Lunch won’t last forever.”

“I will and, Erika, thanks for listening.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

After her conversation with Erika, Cassidy went down to the cafeteria and got lunch.

Max sent her a text.
Thinking of you. Take it easy today. I didn’t let you sleep much
. She grinned goofily as she read it.

Despite the text, she managed to make it through the rest of her shift without too much mental distraction. Although each twinge of discomfort she felt as she moved too quickly or in a certain way reminded her of Max. Of the pleasurable night, and yes, damn it, morning they’d spent in her bed. The man definitely had stamina.

As she drove home, she wondered if Phillip had been served and if he’d change his mind and signed the papers. Did she really want him to? Wasn’t there a small part of her that took pleasure in his determination to hold on to their marriage? On to her?

Yes, there was. That was the part of her that remembered the old Phillip and the good days of their marriage when they’d been happy. Before he’d cheated. Before he’d introduced her to porn and made her question her attractiveness to him. Before he’d made it so clear he was bored with their sex life and since she was being completely honest with herself, before she’d put it together the many times he’d disappeared into his study “to work” and come out with a raging hard-on needing her immediate attention.

Her heart was having a hard time coming to grips with what her head already knew. That the old Phillip was gone and she didn’t think he’d ever come back. Unfortunately, her heart was willing to hold out on the chance he’d make a reappearance.

She glanced at the wedding ring she still wore. The ring she should have taken off weeks ago. Even after Phillip had pointed out its presence on her finger, she still hadn’t removed it. Was it any wonder her husband didn’t believe her? She said one thing, but her actions revealed another.

And Max? Frankly this thing with him both confused and scared her. She was already embarrassed and yes, feeling a little slutty that she couldn’t name her child’s father. Now she’d compounded that sin by inviting Max into her bed—
and enjoyed it immensely
, her inner slut interjected—adding adultery to her list of crimes. Why did enjoying sex with someone who wasn’t her husband make her a slut? And why couldn’t she be one of those women who took pleasure where she found it and didn’t worry about the consequences?

Because you’re not, so get over it already
.

So, did that mean she was going to tell Phillip about Max? Everything in her shied away from the notion. She didn’t particularly want to open that can of worms and it wasn’t like Phillip would believe her. He was convinced Max had ulterior motives. Telling him would do nothing but cause problems. The two of them had to work together. She didn’t want to be the cause of either one getting fired.

Besides, what would she tell Phillip? That her and Max had sex—again? It’s not like they were in a relationship. They’d had sex. Really, really great sex, and they were friends. He thought the baby was his and wanted to introduce the future mother of his child to his family. At most, they were friends with benefits. Maybe. Sort of. Kind of.

Inside her car Cassidy let out a short scream of frustration at her mental gymnastics. “Do you hear yourself? Get a grip!”

At the rate she was going, she’d soon need therapy.

Once she arrived home, Cassidy went straight to her bedroom and spent a long time staring at her left hand. “In or out? No more straddling the line, Brannon. It’s time to commit, one way or the other.”

Almost in slow motion, she slid her wedding ring off and involuntarily clenched it in her fist. After a long moment, she placed it in her jewelry box and gently closed the lid. Only a pale band of skin remained as a reminder of the vows she’d taken to love, honor, and cherish.

She swiped furiously at the tear that ran down her cheek. “Stop that,” she ordered her eyes.

Ignoring the ache in her stupid, stupid heart that didn’t have any better sense than to mourn the loss of someone who was no good for it, Cassidy forced herself to go into the kitchen and prepare dinner for one. From now on it would always be for one.

Until the baby arrived, she reminded herself. She’d only be alone until the baby was born. Alone didn’t have to mean lonely. Loneliness was a state of mind. People with full, busy lives like hers didn’t have time to be lonely.

Before she could decide what to eat, the hospital called. One of her patients was on their way to the hospital, in labor. Sighing, she went to grab her purse and keys from the room. Good thing she’d talked Max into postponing dinner with his parents.