Beyond the Edge (26 page)

Afterwards, lying in each other’s arms, I felt the most amazing sense of calm and completion. Then I remembered my date with James and suddenly I felt guilty, like I shouldn't be having dinner with another man. It was ridiculous to feel this way, but I couldn't deny that I did feel it. I felt like I should tell Sebastian about it and then, if he felt uncomfortable about it, I'd consider cancelling. But I
did
really want to go out with James. I was very curious as to what he wanted to talk to me about, and I really liked and respected him as both a Dom and a person.

“Listen…” I said slowly as I stroked his hair back from his forehead. “James asked me to dinner tomorrow and I said I’d go.”

He didn’t say anything for a minute. Then he said, “Okay.”

“I’m not sure why,” I admitted. “He said he had something he wanted to talk to me about.”

“Hmmm. I wonder what,” he said, in a tone that meant to me that he had a pretty good idea.

“What do you mean?”

He looked up at me. “Tate, isn't it obvious? The guy's head over heels for you.”

I stared at Sebastian, my eyes wide. “What?”

He smiled. “I can't believe you don't see it.”

I continued to stare at him. He regarded me frankly, not shying away from the knowledge that another man had an interest in me, but not exactly encouraging me to go on the date either. I didn't know what to say.

“I’m pretty sure the whole reason he invited me that first weekend was to give you someone to play with. Someone to practice on. He wants you to be his equal.”

I swallowed. He couldn’t be right, could he? “I thought he wanted
you
…”

Sebastian shrugged. “All I know is what I’ve seen over the two weekends we were with him. It doesn’t threaten me. But I can see it. He’s definitely got a thing for you, Tate. Whether you want to pursue it is up to you I guess.” He pulled my hand down, placing it over his heart. “‘Cause I’ve got a pretty big thing for you too,” he stated shyly, the blush creeping up his cheeks, the look in his eyes sincere.

“Do you want me to cancel?” I asked, staring down at him.

“What? No. Of course not. I’m not gonna keep you on a short leash, Tate.” He traced my thigh with his fingers. “Even though I might want you to keep me on one…from time to time.”

“I think I love you,” I said, not joking for once. I was absolutely serious.

I heard his breath catch. His mouth opened, but nothing came out.

“You don’t need to say it back. I’m quite prepared to be the first one to come to this realization. Maybe the only one.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.”

He smiled then, the laughter bubbling from his lips like a song. “I think I’ve loved you from the beginning.”

I felt a warmth flood my insides, like nothing I’d ever felt before, as I gathered him into my arms and kissed him soundly.

§ § §

James emailed me the next day to say he’d pick me up around six thirty. I decided to wait outside for him, and when he pulled up in his shiny black Mazda I barely waited for him to stop before I had the door open and was climbing in.

“Hi,” I said, giving him a smile.

“Hello.” He grinned, obviously pleased by my eagerness. “You look good. But you always do.”

I wasn’t used to complements from James, and didn’t really know what to say except “Thanks.”

“Do you like Italian?”

“Yes, Sir,” I said, then laughed, realizing my blunder. “I mean, yes, I do.”

“I made a reservation at Mama Teresa’s, but we can go somewhere else if you’d prefer?”

I shrugged, glancing at him, trying not to be affected by how handsome he looked, dressed in dark jeans and a button-up blue shirt. “Um, it’s pretty expensive there.”

“I’m paying. This is my treat. A thank you, let’s say.”

I nodded, not entirely comfortable with this idea, but not wanting to challenge him at this point.

I’d almost cancelled. I was nervous about being alone with James, but knew I had to go, if only to let him know that I was in love with Sebastian, and that I didn't think I wanted to pursue anything romantic with
him.
He could tie me up and fuck me anytime, but I wasn’t going to become romantically involved with him.

“How has your week been?” he asked.

“Fine. Boring. Yours?”

“The same.” He glanced at me. “I had a really good time this past weekend. And the other one. You know that.”

“I guess…”

He laughed softly. “Perhaps I’m not being clear. I’ve enjoyed your company. I look forward to more of it. Perhaps on a more conventional level.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You? Conventional?”

“There’s more to me than you realize. I’d like to show you.”

But we had arrived. He parked the car and we got out, walking the couple of blocks to the restaurant in silence. When we entered, he spoke to the handsome young man at the front desk, and we were led to a somewhat secluded table in the back, near the blazing fireplace.

It seemed weird to be here with him and I almost didn’t know how to act. I knew we were meeting as equals but he’d Dom’d me so many times now I felt an instinctual caution around him. It wasn’t entirely un-arousing. Almost like he had some psychic control of my dick, and it became semi-hard again in his presence.

We looked through the menus and James ordered a bottle of red wine. After we’d each had a sip, he cleared his throat. “This thing with you and Sebastian…when did it start?”

Okay, we’re going to go there, are we?
“After the first weekend with you,” I replied honestly.

He gave me a suspicious look. “Not before?”

I remembered meeting Sebastian the first time, at Starbucks. “Well…I mean, I felt something when I met him previous to that first weekend. But I didn’t pursue it until after.”

He nodded, his expression grave. “So…you knew you wanted him when you showed up at my place? Was that why you had so much trouble that first night?”

I knew what he was referring to, and I blushed, embarrassed. “I guess so.”

He nodded again, and smiled sadly. “Love at first sight, eh?”

We stared at each other for a long moment.

“
Is
it love?” he asked finally.

“I think so,” I said quietly.

“And do you plan on being exclusive?”

I looked away. “We haven’t really talked about that yet.”

“Does he know where you are right now?”

“Yes. I told him.”

“And what did he think?”

I leaned back in my chair, looking him in the eyes. “He thinks you’ve always had a thing for me.”

He looked surprised. “And what do you think?”

“Have you?” I asked him. I wanted to know if Sebastian was right.

He smiled and took a leisurely drink of his wine. Before he gave me an answer, the waiter arrived with our food. After he’d gone, I picked up my fork. “You could have told me.”

He nodded, picking up his utensils as well. “I suppose I could have. But we were having such fun and…I didn’t foresee this.”

We ate silently for several minutes. Then James put his fork down and picked up his wine. “To revelations,” he said. We clinked glasses. “I didn’t fully realize my feelings for you until I saw that you wanted someone else. But I think Sebastian’s right.”

I chewed slowly, feeling overwhelmed suddenly by the depth of emotion I had at this admission. If only I’d known. If only he’d known. If he’d confessed this to me before I’d met Sebastian, things would be so different.
But did I want them to be?

“So…what happens now?” I asked.

He shrugged, giving me a frank look. “Well, someone else would probably just back off and let you be.” He looked down at his hands. When he looked back up at me his eyes had darkened with longing. “But I can’t.”

I felt my body answering that look in his eyes, even though my thinking mind rebelled. My cock grew harder, my pulse quickening. Sebastian
had
been right. James, Mr. bloody Yes Sir, No Sir, Lucas, had a thing for me. He had feelings for me and not just the physical “I want to fuck your ass into tomorrow” kind of feelings, although that was there too. And I felt it.

“I’ve watched you grow and develop as a sub and I’ve been training you as a Dom. You’re going to make one hell of a Dom, my boy.” He shook his head, as if he were remembering our Saturday play with Sebastian. “Of course that was my mistake, wasn’t it? I thought if I brought another boy in for you to practice on, it would work in my favor. It didn’t exactly turn out that way.”

“No,” I said softly.

We looked at each other and I knew he sensed my desire for him.

“Of course the real question is, do you have any feelings for
me
, Tate, beyond a sub’s respect and desire for his Dom?”

And there it was. That
was
the real question. What did
I
feel? What did I want? Did I want Sebastian or did I want James? I wanted them both really. But who did I want more?

“Of course I do. You’re a fascinating man. You’re intelligent and intuitive and a damn good Dom. The truth is if you’d told me this before I’d met Sebastian I would’ve given up everything for you. But…” I gulped, looking down at my plate, not even hungry anymore although I’d only eaten a little. “I can’t give
this
up. Not now.”

He nodded. “I’m not asking you to give it up, Tate. But is there room for me somewhere?”

“I don’t know.” Sebastian and I hadn’t talked about this, and the emotions James evoked in me were giving me warning signals. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.” He held up his hands. “I’ve given you a lot to think about. Let’s stop this for now and just have a pleasant dinner. How is your steak?”

I looked down at my forgotten meal, wondering if I even wanted the rest of it. “It’s very good.”

“I love this place. And not only for the food…” He motioned with his eyes to the nearest waiter, and I relaxed, nodding. “The eye-candy is spectacular.”

We had a good meal and spoke about all kinds of things. An educated and expressive man, not to mention charming, he proved a fascinating conversationalist. I quite enjoyed myself and found myself laughing a lot, and fully relaxing in his presence. Except for one part of me that stood stiff and straight as a bloody ramrod.

“You said you hadn’t talked about exclusivity yet, which means you’re technically a free agent.” He gave me a look filled with a fierce and undeniable need once we’d finished our coffee. “Will you come home with me?”

I wanted to, and, really, I hadn't made Sebastian any promises. Except that I'd given him my heart. I'd told him that I loved him.

“I…don't think I can. Not tonight.” I hoped my eyes conveyed how difficult it was for me to tell him this.

We stood and he took my hand. He stared at me with such an inferno of passion in his deep brown eyes I almost couldn't move. And maybe it was a bit of the Dom thing, too.

“Are you sure you won't come?”

I almost laughed at the absurdity of the pun. He'd told me
not
to come so many times and now he was begging me. He saw the twitch in my lip and grinned. He leaned close, speaking very softly in my ear while the hairs of his goatee tickled my skin.

“If you do I’ll make you come so many times you won’t know what’s going on…”

The desire pooled in my groin and gut. But I shook my head. “Not tonight.”

He pulled back, nodding sadly. “Okay. I’ll drive you home.”

“Actually, I’ve got some shopping to do on Elgin and I can take the bus home after.” I didn’t want to tell him how close we were to Sebastian’s apartment. Maybe he knew. He didn’t fight me on it anyway.

“Okay.”

“Thanks for dinner, James. Are you sure you don’t want a contribution towards the meal?” I still felt bad about him paying.

He laughed. “No thanks. It was worth every penny. Keep in touch. And think about what we discussed.”

“I will.” We stood there awkwardly, until James moved forward and pulled me into a hug. I could feel his erection between us and I almost changed my mind about not going home with him. His familiar scent, linked to a multitude of erotic experiences, made me fight hard to pull away. But I did.

“Goodnight,” I said.

“Goodnight. Keep in touch.”

“Of course.”

CHAPTER TWENTY

Puppy Play and More

Once I’d escaped the alluring clutches of James, I wanted to see Sebastian. I was horny and anxious and needed to reaffirm our commitment to each other.

I walked fast to Sebastian’s place, the wind blowing harsh and bitter, penetrating the thin corduroy of my jacket. I should have worn something warmer. By the time I reached my destination my hands felt like ice. I buzzed his apartment, wondering if he’d be mad or glad that I’d shown up this late.

Someone else’s voice came on the intercom. “Hello?”

“It’s Tate Mackenzie, I’m a friend of Sebastian’s,” I said.

“Sebastian's not here. Can I give him a message?”

“Um…no that's okay. I'll call him tomorrow. Thanks.”

I felt disappointed. Really disappointed. I wondered if I should have gone home with James because I was so damn horny. I walked slowly down the crowded street, eyeing the attractive young men that frequented this area with hungry eyes.

But, come on now, what was I, a sexual opportunist with no morals? No. At least, not anymore. I had no right to expect that Sebastian would be at home just waiting for me to show up, especially since I'd told him I was going out with James this evening. Then a thought occurred to me. What if he had called up one of his old boyfriends or fuck buddies and went out on a date as well? The idea did not please me at all and it made me very uneasy. Suddenly I realized what he might have felt when I'd told him I had a “date” with James.

I pulled out my phone and called him while walking along the windy street, but it went to voicemail. Crap. Where the hell was he? And why wasn't he answering my call?

I took the bus home and went to bed, jerking myself off out of necessity but with little pleasure before drifting off into an uneasy sleep.

§ § §

Thursday, I kept checking my phone for a message from Sebastian, but got nothing. Surely he wouldn’t give me the cold shoulder because I’d gone out with James? He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would do that. Then another thought occurred to me. What if something was wrong? Anxiety gripped me as I contemplated worst-case scenarios. What if he’d been jumped somewhere, robbed, or gay-bashed? These things still happened. Suddenly I couldn't handle not knowing if he was all right so I called his phone again. It rang and rang. I waited for it to go to voicemail, but then he answered.