BLAMELESS: MC Biker Romance (Black Thorns, #3) (28 page)

I settle myself on behind him and wrap my arms tightly around his waist. As I lean my head against his back, I whisper in his ear, “You know that, yes? How much I love you?”

“Yeah,” he mutters. “Let’s drop it for now, yeah?”

“Okay,” I murmur, dejectedly.

He starts the bike, the roar of the engine ending any further conversation between us.

Chapter 29

~Runner~

I slump down on the couch. My head’s spinning like crazy. Everything’s foggy. Just a blur. What’s happening? Only had whiskey and not that much of it. Shit.

I wipe the sweat off my brow and take a couple of deep breaths, tryin’ to get my shit together.

I fight to get to my feet. Gotta get outta here. Wherever here is.

But suddenly, somebody’s in front of me, pushing my shoulders down and forcing me back into the couch.

I rub my eyes, tryin’ hard to see who the hell it is.

I can just ‘bout make him out.

That kid prospect who Ax ordered to keep an eye on me while we were out for a ride.

“Ben?” I croak out, my voice hoarse, cuz my mouth’s so dry.

“That’s right, Runner.”

“What’s happening?”

“You’re high, brother.”

“What? No. I ain’t been nowhere near that shit.”

“I spiked your drinks. Been doing it all day.”

Fucking hell. “Why?”

“Jase pays a hell of a lot more than Thorns. Respects me a hell of a lot more than any of you guys do, too. Don’t treat me like shit.”

“You betrayed me? Betrayed the club?”

“Shame that you ain’t gonna remember none of this. You’re gonna be much more fucked up than you already are when Jase gets here.”

I bolt upright in bed, slapping my hand to my heart. Jesus Christ.

Were that just a damn dream? Or were it a memory?

Ain’t the first time shit like that’s happened to me. Happened last time I went through this hell of getting clean. Kept remembering a bunch of stuff that’d been buried down deep, cuz I’d been so fucked up. Plus, I just started therapy yesterday and it’s been bringing a lot of stuff up. A lot to deal with.

Bothers me big time that I ain’t sure what’s real and what ain’t.

All the shit Jase put in my system really messed with my head, more than I even realized.

But if it
is
true, then Ben were working for Jase? Would he do that? Betray the club? He’s an arrogant little fucker with a chip on his shoulder. Thinks he shoulda already been voted in as a member, but he’s still paying his dues. Ain’t no different to no other prospect who wants to join the club. But depends how deep that chip on his shoulder runs. If it runs deep then, yeah, I could see him betraying the club. But would he really risk that? Betraying the club is a major crime. Huge consequences for doing it. Used to be death. Now we’re legit, it ain’t that harsh, but the punishment will still be brutal. Then again, if he were working for Jase, he wouldn’t have been that worried. Knows Jase coulda protected him. Well, not no more, cuz I killed him.

“Zeb,” Sarah’s sleepy voice calls to me.

I feel her hand on me, rubbing my arm.

I lay back down in the bed and roll into her. “Everything’s all good, darlin’. Go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” she murmurs in that cute voice of hers she always has when she’s half asleep.

I wrap my arms ‘round her and nuzzle her hair.

Weren’t long ago that the thing I thought I needed to clear my head in the middle of the night were a half a bottle of scotch, or something. But now…now the only thing I need is her. She ain’t even gotta say nothing. Just gotta be here with me. She calms me. Has this power over me I ain’t never experienced before. Maybe that makes me pussy whipped. But if it does, I really don’t give a fuck. Cuz she makes me feel something I ain’t never really felt before. Happy. Woman makes me happier than I’ve ever been. And going through this shit all over again now with the therapy and all that, it ain’t so bad with her ‘round. Sure, last time I had Ax with me. But there’s stuff we never talk ‘bout with each other. Don’t open up and bare our souls to each other. We’re men. Men don’t do that shit. But I got that now with Sarah. Didn’t like doing it at first…telling her stuff. But now I’m real glad we got that going on.

All that has me holding on real tight to her.

Fucking ironic, considering I used to be the guy who cut and run. Never got attached to no woman. But Sarah ain’t just any woman to me. She’s
the
woman.

Something’s holding her back, though. And I ain’t sure what. Maybe some kinda issue she’s still holding onto from her nightmare past with her ex, Torvin? I dunno. She won’t say it.

Problem is, I ain’t exactly an expert on how to handle this stuff. Relationships. I ain’t good at it. I’m just flying by the seat of my pants through it all. But that ain’t good enough right now, is it? Something’s up with her. Something’s keeping a big part of her away from me.

I look over my shoulder and eye the alarm clock on my bedside table. Just after five.

He’ll be awake now. Somebody who
does
know ‘bout all this relationship stuff.

I ease myself off Sarah carefully, so I don’t wake her.

I snatch up my phone and walk quietly outta the room. The apartment’s so small, she’ll be able to hear me in the living room and the kitchen. So, I step out onto the tiny balcony instead, sliding the door closed behind me.

I dial quickly as I rub my eyes, tryin’ to wake up a bit more.

“Am I dreaming this?” his voice answers. “You being up
this
early?”

“Lock it up, Ax. Got something I need to talk to you ‘bout. Knew you’d be up feeding Ava.”

“Yeah, Rox gave me the early morning shifts now, cuz she’s pissed I keep coming home so late. Says it’s only fair I pull my weight, cuz we’re both running businesses, not just me with the club.”

“Wow. You’re in the dog house in a major way.”

“Yeah. Luckily, it don’t matter how pissed she gets, she still can’t resist my dick.”

We both laugh at that.

“So, what’s up, brother? You all right?”

Since the
incident
on the bridge, he’s been all over me, checking up on me loads of times a day. “Ain’t ‘bout all that. Just wanted to know something. ‘Bout you and Rox.”

“Sure. Shoot.”

“She held out on you for a while, yeah? All hesitant ‘bout coming into your world and stuff?”

“Yeah. She busted my balls big time back then.”

“You know why? What were holding her back?”

“Power.”

“Power?”

“Rox is a hell of a strong woman. Got a lot of her own power. She also had a lot when she was running things back in Brockford. Thought being with me was gonna fuck all over that. She thought she was gonna become a typical Old Lady and all that. Didn’t want that, cuz she ain’t the kinda woman who can be tamed, you know? She’s a ball of fire.”

“How’d you guys get past it?”

“I made her realize us being together weren’t gonna change that wild, fiery side of her, cuz it’s one of the things I love most ‘bout her. And it didn’t. We’re stronger together.”

“Right,” I say, distracted by my own thoughts. That ain’t what’s happening with Sarah. She ain’t like Rox. She’s perfect Old Lady material. Real nurturing, easygoing, loves cooking, likes what she’s seen of the club, talks to the other wives and girlfriends and fits in well there.

“This is ‘bout you and Sarah, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Woman’s gun-shy, Runner.”

“What?”

“When you weren’t at your best, I spent a lot of time teaching her how to fight. Got to know her pretty well. This ain’t ‘bout you. Ain’t ‘bout the club life. Sarah fits in well with all that. Nah, it’s ‘bout her. ‘Bout her past with Torvin.”

“I don’t—what? I ain’t nothing like him, Ax.”

“No, you ain’t. But the situation ain’t that different. She settled down with him, right? And it was the worst experience of her life. And here you guys are, looking to do the same thing. Like I said, she’s gun-shy ‘bout it.”

“I hear you.”

“Gotta show her it ain’t gonna end up the same way.”

“How? I already told her so many fucking times how much I care ‘bout her.”

“Dunno. That’s for you to figure out. Can’t tell you, cuz she ain’t my girl. She’s yours.”

“All right,” I say, blowing out a frustrated breath. “Thanks, Ax.”

“Anytime. Just happy I finally got somebody other than Grit to talk ‘bout this stuff with.”

“There’s something else.”

“Yeah?”

“That night you found me outside that frat house, you said Ben lost track of me and headed back to the clubhouse?”

“What you tryin’ to say?”

“If he were telling the truth, then he didn’t know I were at that frat house. Want you to check it out. Get Smiter to pull up any surveillance ‘round that area. Might’ve even been cameras set up ‘round the actual building. Dunno, cuz I were too screwed up.”

“You think he’s bullshitting us?”

“Got a feeling, yeah. Some stuff…it’s coming back to me. But it’s still a mess. Still tryin’ to make sense of it.”

“And you think you’re remembering stuff ‘bout Ben?”

“Maybe.”

“All right, brother. I’ll have him check it out.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. But, outside of that, you gotta start putting that shit behind you, yeah? Focus on getting back on your feet, not that night.”

“I know. Just…that’s sticking with me.”

“I feel you. We’ll check it out. Don’t worry. Just keep going to those sessions. Keep off the booze. Keep your focus on work and Sarah. All good things.”

“Yeah.”

“Talk later.”

We hang up and I run my fingers through my hair. It’s bothering me that it’s so damn obvious he’s tiptoeing ‘round me. He’s treating me like I’m some fragile pussy, or something. Can’t really blame him after what he witnessed on the bridge. But I’m moving past that. Were in a real dark place then. Just killed my own brother, been drugged up so many times against my will and were fighting that as well. Couldn’t see a way out. That were me hitting rock bottom.

But now I’m getting back up. It’s taking a lot and it’s a real fight, but I’m doing it. Keeping busy’s helping a lot. And, even though I won’t admit this to nobody but Sarah, so is the therapy.

Still, I get why Ax is walking on eggshells ‘round me. I know what I almost did really got to him. It freaked him out. Scared him. We been best friends and real close for a long time and that night it coulda all been over in a split second. I know it’s also been bothering him that it got to that point and he weren’t ‘round to stop it. Been bothering Sarah, too. Seen the guilt from both of ‘em. Like I tried to tell ‘em both, though, there weren’t nothing they coulda done with me in that state. I were a mess. My head were a mess. Only I could pull myself outta it.

Now I can’t even get involved in shit with the club, except the work I do at the bike shop. Ain’t allowed to leave Reirdon Falls without an escort neither. Ax has got club members and prospects watching me 24/7, making sure I’m okay. It’s overkill, but ain’t much I can do ‘bout it. I just gotta keep getting better, going to therapy and focusing on positive stuff. And then he’ll see in time. It’s just fucking frustrating being on the sidelines. I’m usually front and center on everything. Instead it’s at the point now where I gotta ask Ax’s permission to ask another brother to do me a favor.
Everything’s
gotta go through him now. He used to trust me on a lot of stuff. Didn’t need to bring it all to him.

Jesus Christ.

I make my way back into the bedroom.

As I slide in next to Sarah again, I start racking my brain, tryin’ to think of how I can get her past her issues, like Ax said. Maybe I gotta give her some space? Ain’t sure. But I’ll do whatever I gotta do, cuz I don’t wanna lose her. She’s mine.

Chapter 30

~Sarah~

I smile at Zeb from the sun chair I’m lounging on. He’s standing over by Ax who’s working the barbecue in the corner of the clubhouse yard. He gives me a brief half-hearted smile back and returns his attention to his conversation with Ax as he sips at his orange juice.

“What the hell was that?” Rox asks.

She’s lounging on a sun chair beside me. She looks really relaxed. I’m not surprised. Today is one of the first times since Ava’s birth that she’s had to herself. Her dad is babysitting back at her house. She’s so comfortable in her own skin. Wearing jeans, riding boots and one of Ax’s club shirts tied at the waist and baring her stomach, she still looks amazing even though she’s barely made an effort. She’s not even wearing any make-up and she looks perfect.

I, on the other hand, took all morning just to look good enough to step outside of Zeb’s apartment. My hair is falling in loose curls about my face. I took ages to decide what to wear, because I really wasn’t sure what to wear to a biker club barbecue get-together thing. I ended up making the right decision. Everyone’s dressed really casually. I’m wearing a pair of stone-washed gray jeans with a pair of strappy heels and a white corset top with silver flowers on it, along with a cardigan to cover the scar on my chest. My casual appearance fits in well with the other girls here. Some are Old Ladies. Some are just girlfriends of the club members. There aren’t any club whores. Zeb told me they aren’t allowed at these sort of get-togethers.