BloodLust (Rise of the Iliri Book 1) (34 page)

"And I've been nothing but.  I even refused him.  Blaec, stop acting like a damned human!"  She walked away, moving to her horse.

"I am a human, Sal.  You'd better get used to it."

His words stopped her in her tracks.  She looked back at him, her voice cold.  "No.  You aren't.  You only wish you were.  You wish we all were."

Blaec closed the distance between them, his jaw clenched, his eyes flaring.  When he reached her, he grabbed her, yanking her around to face him.  "This is who I am, Sal.  I can't be your iliri pet.  If that's what you want, you should have chosen Cyno.  He's the closest thing we have.  Maybe he wants a feral lover."

The back of her pale hand struck his cheek just under the bone with an audible crack, and his head snapped back.  He turned back to her and she saw tears in his eyes.

"I won't fight you, Sal.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of trying to tame you.  You're a damned good soldier and one of the best assassins I've seen, but I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"How dare you try to give me away," she hissed. 

"You're not an animal.  It doesn't always have to be about who is dominant and who submits, about who is stronger or who wins.  Sometimes, I just need you to be mine, to be a little bit human, a little gentle."  He sighed and wiped at his eyes.  "Sal, I just want it to mean something when I'm with you.  I don't want to own you.  I don't want to fight you."

He stared at her a long time and she found herself unsure of what to say.  "I'm not human," she whispered.

"You used to be.  The woman I fell in love with could smile, she laughed, and she loved me."  He glanced at the sky, blinking away more tears, "Sal, I don't want an animal.  I understand you get the bloodlust.  I can accept that.  I can accept Cyno.  What I can't accept is how casually you can throw away any semblance of civility.  It's nothing more than hunting for you, and I don't want to be your prey.  I'm not just another step for you to climb over."

"Blaec -"

"No."  His hand cut off her words like a knife through the air.  "Figure it out, Sal, or don't.  It's your call, but I can't be with you like this."

He walked past her to Scorch and grabbed the horse's reins.  Without looking back, he led the stallion into the dark passage to catch up with his men.

Chapter 39

Arden walked slowly, feeling her rider was in no mood to hurry about anything.  Sal swayed in the saddle, wishing for tears to ease the ache in her heart but unable to make her alien eyes cry.  It looked so easy when the humans did it, but her eyes failed her.  Instead, she gasped at air, her body sobbing even if the tears refused to fall.  She knew the route back.  They all did.  She didn't need the Black Blades to make it home, and the way she felt, being around others was the last thing she wanted.  Step after step, Arden walked on.

She couldn't imagine life without Blaec.  She tried to convince herself that things would go back to normal and that he'd apologize to her, but it sounded like nothing but a young human's fantasy.  No, he was truly done with her unless she could become the one thing she wasn't: a human.

Sal resigned herself to her misery until she saw a dark horse in the road.  The rider, his skin too dark to be Blaec, waited patiently.  When she reached him, Zep fell in step beside her without a word.  They walked in silence for an hour before Sal finally felt the need to speak.

"Did he ever apologize to Arctic?"

"Yeah." Zep nodded.  "They're good."

"At least there's that."

"Arctic won't let Shift heal his face."

She nodded but said nothing more.  They walked on for a while more before Zep decided to push the issue.

"He told Cyno he could have you, Sal."

"Yeah.  He told me the same."

He reached over and grabbed Arden's reins, stopping the mare in her tracks, forcing Sal to look at him.  "Enough of this.  It's not his place!  You're not a damned rug to be walked on like this."

"You don't understand," she said.  "Just leave it alone."

"No."  He looked into her eyes, and shook his head.  "Sal, you're my friend.  I won't let you ride kilometers wallowing in your own pity.  Do something.  Anything!  Just do something."

She sighed.  "Zep, he wants me to be more human.  I can't do that.  I don't know how to do that!"

"Talk to me, demon."

She told him, reliving every detail of their fight.  She admitted how she hit him in anger, and how ashamed she felt about it.  In their time together they'd wrestled, pinned, held, and more, but neither had ever hit the other in anger.

"Why'd you do that, Sal?" Zep asked.

"I don't know.  He told me he didn't want me if I was just going to keep acting like a beast.  Zep?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I that bad?  Am I that different?"  She sucked a quick breath of air.  "Have I changed that much?"

Zep moved their horses forward again, his brow furrowed.  "Yes and no.  When you came to us, you were trying so hard.  You knew nothing about who you were.  Hell, your first response to the lust was to be ashamed!  You resisted your urges and you tried so hard to be human."

"And now?"

"Now," he sighed.  "I think Cyno brings something out in you.  Your minds in the link don't feel the same as the rest of ours, and we all know it.  The more you're with him, the stronger it feels.  At least to me.  When we were up in Escean Pass, with the heavy cav?"

"Yeah?"

"I've linked with Cyno before, in combat.  Hell, we've run a few ops together before you came.  I could feel it across the link, but it wasn't the same.  That was the first time I'd linked in with you, though.  When you're there, it takes all of us.  We hunt, we don't just fight."  He paused, looking at her.  "Sal, with you in the link, Cyno's more.  I'm not sure what exactly, but he's more, and you.  Yeah.  You flood through us.  I know each time you kill.  I can feel these emotions – I don't even have words for them.  You make us better than we've ever been, but I don't feel human when we do it."

"I'm sorry, Zep."

"Don't be.  For me, it's the closest I can get.  But the better you get, the
more
you get.  Like Cyno.  You've been changing.  It's not bad.  You're just accepting who you are.  Least that's how I see it."

"How do I stop?" she whispered.

He asked her softly, "Do you really want to?"

"If it means Blaec, then yeah.  I do."

"Are you really ready to spend the rest of your life fighting who you are to make a man happy?  Is he really worth that much to you?  I won't let you do that to yourself, demon."

She said nothing. 

Together, they rode on.  By nightfall, they caught up with the rest of the Black Blades.  Tensions were high, but the men were quiet and subdued.  Arctic kept himself on the far side of the camp, well away from her.  They bedded down, weary from nearly thirty-five hours of combat, and Sal volunteered to take the first watch.  Blaec barely spared her a glance, and his body told her she would not be welcome with him now.

She sighed and moved away from the glare of their fire.  Resting her back against a tree, she lowered herself to the ground, sighing again.  Around her, the men fell asleep quickly, their soft noises comforting to her ears.  She found herself watching Blaec, his back to her as he slept.  Hours passed but Sal couldn't bring herself to wake the next man.  They needed the rest, she thought, but the truth was she wouldn't sleep regardless, not with the ache in the back of her mind. 

A scuff of leaves alerted her.  She stood and moved around her tree, steel blade in hand, only to meet the attacker's eyes with her knife against his throat.  Brown eyes, nearly black, looked at her calmly. 

It's well past your watch, little demon,
Zep's mind whispered to her, and she lowered the blade. 
I'm not foolish enough to tell you to sleep, but I will offer you a shoulder to lean on while you think.

Thanks, Zep.

You in the mood to talk about it?
he asked gently.

Not really.
  Yet again, she sighed.  It seemed to be all she could do.
I dunno.  I mean, that's the problem, I don't know.

About why he's upset? 

That, what to do about it, or what is going to happen.
She looked into Zep's eyes, her pupils nearly round.
I just don't understand.

Oh Sal,
he thought and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest.  His touch was comforting. 

Her face pressed against him, she nodded, pulling herself closer. 
What did I do so wrong?

You made a decision, little one.  Who knows, you may have saved the mission, you may have wasted your time, but you made a decision. 

Am I going to lose him because of it?
she asked.

He'll always be your commander.

She looked up at Zep's face, her pale eyes meeting his.
You know that's not what I mean.  And what happens the next time?  Or the time after that?  Maast, Zep, am I supposed to just stay quiet when there's a better way to win?  I didn't ask Arctic to try to kiss me!

He smiled, just the barest corner of his lips raising as he ducked his head. 
Do you really think that's why LT's so upset?  Has he had a problem with you and Cyno?  Is it what you did, or how you did it that's the issue?

What do you mean?

It may be too human for you to understand,
he told her.

I'm trying, Zep.

Look, this thing between you.  Why do you care?  Why do you keep going back to him?  Why don't you just bed Cyno and follow the orders you're given?

Because I love him,
Sal replied, confused.

Why?

She tensed against him, then pulled away, searching his face, her mind whirling.  For a long moment, she said nothing.  Finally, glancing at Blaec's sleeping back, she answered. 
I trust him.

That can't be all there is to it,
Zep told her. 
I'd like to think you trust me?

Yeah.  I do.

But you aren't exactly in love with me.

She said nothing.  With the night air growing colder, Zep wrapped an edge of his blanket around her shoulders.

So what else is it?
he asked.
  Is it just because he's in charge?

No.

Then what?

Sal leaned her head on his shoulder.  She felt safe with Zep, like she could tell him anything.  He'd never judge her, no matter how she answered his questions.  She thought about how she felt about Blaec.  It was different somehow.  She trusted Blaec, but it was different.  He was the first man who treated her like she was beautiful.  He was the first man who hadn't demanded to own her.  His authority pulled at her instincts, but she loved him because he made her feel important.  Without him, who would she be?

It's because he takes care of us, I think.  He keeps us safe, and protects us from ourselves, even if it means he doesn't do the same for himself.  He gives so much for all of us, and more for me.  How can I not love him, Zep?

Sal?
Zep asked, turning her face to his.
What do your instincts say?  That part of you that isn't human.  Why does it love him?

Because he's stronger than me.  He can protect me.  He keeps me safe.

And you didn't let him do that.  You protected us.  You took over, you challenged him, and you made him feel weak. 

She nodded.

And you encouraged them to embrace their natures.  I felt it, Sal, we all felt it.  You made a human feel like an iliri, what do you think that did to him?  He's more proud than you think.  You showed him that he's caught between two worlds.

So what do I do now?
she asked.

I wish I knew.  Talking about it would be a good start, but what do I know?  I'm human, Sal.  I'll never see things the way you both do.  I also know Cyno is taking this thing between you pretty hard.  He doesn't want to comfort you, for fear that he'll upset LT.  He doesn't want to leave you alone, either. 

I wish I knew what to do,
she said.

I know,
Zep assured her. 
First thing you need to do, though, is sleep.  You won't be any good to us if you don't.

She nodded, but made no move to leave.

My stuff's by the fire.  Go crawl in it and just try.  Dawn will be here soon.

What about you?

I've got the last watch.
  He hugged her, his embrace comforting, and kissed her on the forehead.