BloodLust (Rise of the Iliri Book 1) (38 page)

"That's how Jase explains it, too.  Like a dog sniffing at a bitch in heat."

"Pretty much," he agreed.  "What I wanted to say, though, and took a real long way around, is that I'm sorry.  I've been jealous of you.  You just settled right in and fell into the routine, and things have been changing around you.  I wasn't sure I liked it so much. You're a good girl, Sal.  I like having you with us, but I don't want to sleep with you.  Not really.  But don't tell the guys that, ok?"

"Fair enough."  She smirked and looked away.  "Maast, Zep, I tried so hard not to bite you, but I couldn't stop.  I'm so sorry.  You taste like... like my blade – sweet, and kinda crisp."

"Probably because I'm about as human as the Blades will ever see."  He shrugged, and waved that away.  "Thing is, Sal, I'm jealous.  Before you came, I wished I was anything but human.  But, I had no idea what I was wishing for.  When you stayed linked with me, back in the cave, I got a taste of it.  When you got jacked..."  He sighed.  "Sal, I didn't want to like it.  I didn't, but I did.  I can't stop thinking about it.  You made me iliri for just a little bit."  He leaned back and rubbed at his eye, trying to make it look casual.

"I'm sorry, Zep."  She squeezed his arm.

"You don't get it."  He pressed his hand over hers.  "You give me what I've always wanted.  That's not something to be sorry for.  I don't get what LT's on about with the whole human thing, and I don't think you should listen to him.  If he's too fucking stupid to figure it out on his own, it's not like you can't find someone better."

"I can't.  That's what you don't seem to understand."

"You can, Sal.  Cyno, Arctic, Razor, hell, even Shift, but he'd never admit it.  Why are you torturing yourself to make LT happy?"

She thought for a long time, trying to put her feelings into words.  "Jase knows," was all she said.

"Yeah, that may be, but he sure won't say shit.  You don't have to tell me, kid, but you need to figure it out for yourself, ok?"

Sal nodded and closed her eyes, leaning back into the bed.  A small gasp slipped past her lips.

"Ah, Sal, don't cry on me."  Zep moved to her side, pulling her to him.

"Don't worry."  She buried her head against his shoulder.  "I can't."

"Can't?"

"Can't."  She lifted her eyes to his.  "Doesn't make it easier, but I can't."

"Sal?"  His voice was gentle.  "How can you make yourself human if you can't cry?"

"I don't know, Zep.  I keep trying, but it's not working.  I thought that maybe if I changed my diet, it'd take some of the aggression.  I mean, not all women cry, right?"

"Why is he that special?"

She pushed her head further into his chest.  "He's my first, Zep.  The first man who ever cared about me."

"Ah fuck."  He looked up at the ceiling.  "I didn't know you were a damned virgin.  Ah, Sal, babe.  I'm gonna fuckin' beat his ass."

"No," she cut him off.  "I was a slave, Zep.  I wasn't a virgin."

He pulled her closer.  "I'm not sure that makes it better."

She shrugged.  "No one knows that, ok?"

"Cept Cyno."

"Yeah.  Cept Jase."

"Ok, kid.  Then if this is what you want, I'll help you make it happen.  I'll stop trying to talk you out of it and I'll help ya.  I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what it's like to be a human."

She looked up at him, confused.  "Why?  Two minutes ago, you were telling me I could do better."

"I didn't say I was wrong.  Look, you're a good friend, Sal.  You and Cyno, you're the closest I have."  He shrugged.  "I'd rather see ya with Cyno, just cuz of that, but you're my friend, and if this is what you want, then this is what you're going to get, ok?"

"I don't understand you, Zep.  I bit you, and you thank me.  And now this?  I can't keep up."

"You're kinda like the little sister I never had.  Any time you need anything, I'm here, little one.  I promise I'll keep my clothes on this time."

"Don't make a promise you can't keep.  Blaec already taught me that."

"K, well, let's just say that I'll try to keep my clothes on, unless that happens again."

She glanced over to see if he was joking and realized he wasn't.

"If Cyno isn't around and you need someone, I'm here.  I'll probably hate myself in the morning, but I think I can take it.  Hell," he chuckled, "I'll probably even like it.  But I don't want it.  I just know it happens.  I've seen what you two go through when there's no release."

Sal looked at him for a long moment, then did something so human it surprised even her.  She hugged him, like a sister would her brother.  "Thank you, Zep.  It doesn't make any sense, but that means so much to me.  I'm still getting used to all of this."

"I know."

"I try to put on a brave face for it all, but half the time I don't know what my own body is doing.  All of you are the closest thing I have to family.  You're the only people I can even call real friends.  I don't want to fuck this up, Zep.  I feel like I'm stepping in it really good and I'm scared to death it's going to bite me in the ass.  I just don't want to screw up a good thing."

"I got yer back, kid.  I'm here any time you need me.  I swear."

Chapter 44

Zep stayed with her, making sure she ate something her body would tolerate and talking to her until her eyes were too heavy to stay open.  She woke in the middle of the night and found him watching her while the moonlight streamed through the small window.  He smiled and whispered her back to sleep.

When the sun rose, Sal was alone.  She went through her usual morning routine then decided to go for a ride to help clear her head.  She needed something to take her mind off the heavy feeling of loneliness that kept trying to consume her.  When she passed by Cabin 13, she paused, but Jase's rooms were still silent.  She missed him more than she expected – and she'd expected to miss him a lot.  He was the only one that always seemed to understand her.  Zep tried, but it wasn't quite the same.  Realizing that only made her mood more bleak, so she lifted her chin and turned her feet to the barn.

Arden nickered when Sal stepped onto the packed alley.  She grabbed a handful of hay and offered it to the mare, scratching her long neck over the stall door.  It wasn't much, but Arden didn't ask for a lot in return for her affection. 

None of the staff was around, but Sal had been in the field long enough that she felt uncomfortable asking someone else to tack up her horse.  She'd learned her way around the barn during training, so grabbed a halter from the rack and a box of brushes from the shelf.  Setting those beside the cross ties, she went to grab her saddle and bridle.  Pulling open the door to the tack room, she paused.  Risk and Tilso looked up guiltily, jerking their hands back to their sides.  Suddenly, all the hints the guys had been dropping fell into place.  She wasn't his kind, but it appeared the stablemaster, Tilso, was.

"Sal," Risk said, standing.

She smiled at him.  "I just need my tack, guys."

"It's not what you think," Risk said, while Tilso tried to look anywhere but at her.

"What it looks like is a couple of guys trying to get off their feet and away from the craziness of the barns."  She shrugged.  "If that's not what it is, then you shouldn't be hiding it from people who don't care."

"Wise words," Risk pointed out, meeting her eyes.  "I wish you'd learn to follow them."

"Fair enough," Sal agreed, knowing he was right. 

"You're not going to say anything, are you, Miss Luxx?" Tilso asked.

"No, Mr. Tilso.  I'm not going to say anything.  Not if you don't want me to.  Why would I go out of my way to mention the barn manager talking to one of the Black Blades in the tack room?"  She stepped closer and patted the young man's arm.  "Our tack did take quite a beating recently.  Isn't any of my business if you're just checking stirrup leathers and girths, right?  And I do wish you'd call me Sal."

"Right," he agreed.  "Sal."

"Risk."  She turned to the pale man.  "Why the secret?"

"It's me," Tilso said.  "My sister's the assistant manager now, and we moved Ma up into the loft with us.  She keeps hoping that one day I'll carry on the family name."

"And you haven't told her you have no interest in women.  I get it.  Your sister know?"

"Nah.  It isn't tolerated real well in our kind."

"Well, it's none of my business either way, but," she looked at Risk pointedly, "he is the barn manager for the Black Blades.  I'm pretty sure no one would find it strange if he spent more time with us.  Pretty sure your cabin has a door that locks, too."

"You don't think that would get out?" Risk asked.

"Not outside the Blades," Sal assured him.  "Kinda like Blaec and I."

"Thanks, Sal.  You have a point.  The guys going to be upset?"

She looked at him, confused.  "By what?"

Risk gestured at Tilso.  "Me bringing home a man."

"No.  They already know.  They'll be happy for you.  Just be nice to the kid, ok?"

Tilso blushed and busied himself with finding Sal's saddle.  "He's pretty nice to me," he mumbled.

"I need a pad too, if you could?  And if this lasts more than a week, tell your family?  Ok?"

"Why?"

"Because if you wait longer, it'll only get easier to put it off.  It's your life, Ahn.  You can't be someone you're not.  You can't hide it forever and live a lie."

"Yeah," Tilso said.  "You're right."

"And we got your back.  Or a round at the pub and about eight shoulders to lean on.  Deal?"

"Deal.  Thanks, Sal," Tilso said, passing the tack to her.

Risk grabbed her arm, stopping her before she could retreat from their intimate moment.  "Sal?  Say that again, and listen to it this time."

She thought back over her words and sighed.  "Yeah. I know, Risk.  It's just not going to be easy to give him up."

"Easier than what you've been doing."

"Maybe.  But Arden needs to stretch her legs."

He nodded.  "I understand.  I owe you one, ok?  And the offer holds for you too: a round and a shoulder."

Sal thanked him and returned to her mare.  She brushed Arden thoroughly, losing herself in the simple task of caring for her own horse, then tacked her up.  That simple sentence echoed in her head.  She couldn't be someone she wasn't.  She didn't know really who she was, but it was true, she couldn't make herself a human. 

Leading her horse on a loose rein, Sal made her way through the barn.  When she stepped into the daylight, she collided with Zep's broad chest.

"I know you're distracted when you run into something as big and black as me," he teased, gesturing to his fatigues.

"I am," she admitted.  "I just kinda got smacked upside the head by my own words.  What are you doing here?"

He glanced around quickly, looking for something.  With a sigh, he gave up.  "Don't kill me?  I came to make sure you were ok."

She smiled at him and shook her head.  "No death and mayhem today, big brother.  I just need to stop wallowing in self-pity so planned to take Arden out.  Want to join me?"

"I'd love to," he said, "but I can't."  He glanced up to the arena balcony.

Sal's eyes followed his, and she saw Blaec leaning over the rail.  Their eyes met for a moment, then Sal glanced away, quickly.  Everything she loved about him was still there, calling to her from his eyes.  "I'm pretty sure you're not getting a lesson."

"Nah.  Just need to have a chat with an old friend.  You good with that?"

Sal reached up and grabbed Zep's hand, holding it for just a moment.  "Yeah.  Thanks Zep.  You're a good man, you know that?"

He kissed her forehead gently.  "That's our secret then, ok?  I can't risk my reputation.  Go ride."

Chapter 45

He'd been sleeping alone for a week now, Blaec realized as he leaned over the railing, watching the barns below.  Sal's white hair stood out against Zep's black uniform.  He should go back to work.  He was expected to report to Command in the morning and his report wasn't close to finished, but he couldn't bring himself to look away from her.  A week, and she still hadn't come back.

When he'd ended things between them, he expected her to simply move on.  Cyno was always right there and willing.  She hadn't slept with him since, either.  He sighed, resting his chin on his hands.  She'd changed.  She no longer was the bright, vibrant thing he remembered.  She sulked through rooms now rather than stormed through them. 

He moved back inside to the viewing room, but found himself pouring a drink instead.  He sipped at the liquor and walked to the balcony again.  She was still there.

When the Blades returned, they'd been met like a conquering army, but he wasn't the only one that couldn't feel the excitement.  His men had become serious.  They trained more and drank less.  He rarely saw them in the pub.  They just waited for something to happen. 

He watched Sal across the distance.  She leaned against Zep and he knew they were talking, even if he couldn't quite hear it.  He hadn't expected her to choose him.  Of all the men, she spent her time with the human.  He felt a spark of anger at that and smothered it with a long drink.  When he looked back, he saw Zep staring at him.  Their eyes met across the distance.

Thought you had a report due,
Zep's voice whispered.

I did, too.

Below him, he watched his oldest friend look down at Sal.  She glanced up but turned her eyes away from his quickly, then left, trailing her horse behind her.  When she was gone, Zep looked back up.

We need to talk
.

Blaec nodded, gesturing for Zep to come up, and turned inside once more.  While Zep climbed the stairs, Blaec told himself that it wasn't his place to care who Sal spent her time with.

The door barely closed behind him before the dark man spoke.  "I don't know what is going on with you two -"

"It's none of your business, Zep," Blaec said.

"Sorry, LT, but it is.  I'm not gonna just sit here and watch you tear down their morale while you wallow in your self-pity.  Either get over her or get her back, but stop dragging us all through the shit with you."

Blaec nodded, watching Zep's eyes.  "I see you've taken up with her."

"Yeah, as a friend.  I'm not sleeping with her if that's what you're asking."

"It's not my business anymore," Blaec reminded him.

"Like hell it isn't.  C'mon, man, what the fuck is going on?  You can't be that mad about Arctic kissing her."

"She told you that?"

"No.  She told me you want her to be human. 
You
screamed that in front of the entire unit."

Blaec found a chair and let his body drop into it.  With a wave of his hand, he gestured to the bottles on the shelf beside him.  "Might as well grab one."

"Thanks, man," Zep said, doing just that.  With a full glass and the open bottle, he sank into the chair across from his commander.  "So what's going on?" he asked.

"I've been commanded to arrange an assassination.  I'm to give the orders as soon as the Anglian bribe is secured," Blaec said, without a trace of emotion.

"What does this have to do with you and Sal?" Zep asked.

"In Anglia," he replied.

"Oh."

"It's three months there, by horse.  The mission isn't a simple slasher either.  Zep," he paused.  "It's a political assassination and replacement.  We're to eliminate the king and replace him with a Conglomerate sympathizer."

"Ok, so that's three months there, three months back, and probably another month for the job.  I can only assume you're sending Sal," Zep said, immediately understanding his line of thought.

"I'm sending both of them.  And it's more than that.  I need them to protect the new king.  I'm going to need them to infiltrate his confidences.  I need them to convince him to ally with us against Terric."

Zep tilted his glass up and drained it, refilling it before he continued, "Fuck, that's damned near an impossible mission, no wonder they wanted a Blade to do it.  So, this is a long embed then.  What, a year?  More?"

"As long as it takes."

"And that's what this is about?" Zep brought the conversation back full circle.

"Yeah.  No."  Blaec shook his head, "I don't know, man.  She makes me crazy, you know?  When I'm around her, I stop thinking like a human.  I feel her tugging at something inside me and I don't know how to control it.  I watch her with Cyno.  They're so at ease, and I want that -"

"Then stop pushing her away."

"I can't.  I can't let her in like he does.  Not with everything that's running around in here," he tapped his head, then sighed.  "I told myself if she came back, I'd make it work.  If she doesn't, then this is what's the best for her with what's coming."

"She won't crawl back this time.  You told her she was too iliri for you.  She keeps asking me how to be human." 

"Yeah.  I don't know how to make up for that."

"I don't think you understand.  Blaec, she's torturing herself trying to be what you want.  She won't come to you, because you made it clear you don't want her.  She won't go to Cyno because she wants to be human."  Zep shook his head.  "Blaec, she can't cry, did you know that?"

Blaec looked up at him.

"Iliri eyes.  They won't weep."  Zep watched his commander, waiting for that to sink in.  "She's not human.  She chooses her meals by what a human eats, then spends the next hour vomiting because it isn't meat.  She won't smile, because it'll show her teeth.  She barely meets anyone's eyes at all.  She's trying, but she's destined to fail."

"Damn it," Blaec swore.

"Blaec?" Zep asked, waiting until he had his full attention before continuing.  "What happened?  What started this?  You trying to bend the future again?"

"She challenged my orders."

"Ya think?"  Zep laughed ironically.  "Her idea was better, and it worked."

"You asked."

"So, why is it still going on?  Why haven't you just apologized to her?  Is this another one of those iliri things I'm missing?"

"I'm only a half breed.  Stop acting like I'm so different from you."

Zep chuckled and leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.  "Trust me, man.  You're nothing like me.  None of you are.  Even Razor has it."

"Has what?  Iliri breeding?  We don't exactly hide it from each other."

"Nah, not that.  I mean what comes with that.  Damn, man.  You should know by now."  Zep sighed and leaned back again.  "Why do you think we're so damned good?  It's cuz we're iliri.  Sal says I'm a freak of nature, which I take as a pretty high compliment from her.  We move faster, we kill better, you all have these amazing things you can just
do
, and that's good and all, but that's not what it is.  That's not what it is to be iliri."

"Ok, Zep.  I'll bite.  What is it?"

"We're a fuckin' pack, man.  Trust me, the other units don't have a bond like this.  Hell, not even the elites.  We spend all day crawling in each other's heads and it's like we're part of the same being half the time.  Haven't you wondered why I refused to be reassigned so long ago?  This shit's like an addiction.  I can't get it as a human, not without your help.  I just keep hoping I die in the field one day so I don't ever have to retire.  I don't think I could live without it.  So stop being so damned ashamed of who you are and be like Sal.  Embrace it.  Use it.  Put on a polite face in public, but with us..."  Zep smiled.  "We're a pack.  We need an iliran leader."

"I thought that's what I'd been doing."

"Nah.  You're playing politics," Zep said.  "Fuck that shit, man.  We're predators.  Be fuckin' iliri already."

"I can't.  I'm not like that," Blaec insisted.

"Well, you sure as hell aren't human," Zep told him.  "Trust me.  You don't wanna be, either.  It ain't all it's cracked up to be."

Silence hung between them.  Blaec looked at Zep, refusing the urge to stare in his eyes, even when Zep gazed into his, holding him.  Finally, Blaec sighed.  He leaned forward and poured himself another drink, downing half of it before refilling it. 

"You felt it, right?  In the link, when Sal..."

"Which part?  When she embraced the fact that your iliran natures gave you the advantage?  When she took our fear with her bloodlust?  When she located their position by nothing more than sound? When she risked her own neck to draw the Widows into a trap that left the rest of the unit safe?  Or was it when Sal drew out the beast within us, even you?"

Blaec's lip twitched.  "You forgot the part where she was making out with Arctic."

Zep laughed.  "Yeah, and the part where she took the pain of my healing so I wouldn't have to suffer.  Human, right?"

Blaec's head snapped up.  "She did what?"

"Yeah, I didn't really want to say anything, but she did it and never thought twice about it."

"Fuck," Blaec whispered.

"Thanks, but you're not really my type, man."

Blaec laughed at that.  "Not quite what I meant, and you know it."  He sighed.  "I was pissed because she was all over Arctic.  Shit.  I was annoyed with it at first, but then when she challenged me?  I kept thinking-" he stopped.

"Might as well spill it now.  You got this far."

"I kept thinking she'd replace me."

"You're an idiot.  You know that, right?"

Blaec nodded.  "It's not just that.  Ever since that day, you know, when Llyr was given command?"

"I remember it."

"He said I needed to keep control of you all or we'd be disbanded.  I don't know... It got me thinking, and it's like I notice how feral she really is now.  I can feel her begging me to bite her, or how she challenges me when she's intense about something.  She's..."

"Amazing?" Zep supplied.  "And I think a lot of that is you, not her.  Trust me, man, being around her when she's in the lust, it's pretty potent.  I almost took a blade from Cyno so I didn't have to let her go.  I could see how it could make you want to fall into that part of yourself."

"You could be right."

"Yeah, because Sal's still just little Sal.  If anything, she's been pretty human lately.  That's why it shocked me so much when you lost it on her," Zep said.  "Think maybe it has more to do with the fact that she's supposed to be our leader?"

Blaec dragged his hands across his face.  "You can't even say it without me getting angry about it."

"So yeah, I'm right.  Now here's a big question for ya."  Zep looked him in the eye.  "Why Cyno?"

"I have no idea.  Maybe it's because I saw it, before that first assassination.  Maybe it's because I can't give her what she needs when the lust is on her?"

"So, what if she ends up in bed with me?" Zep asked softly.

"You trying?" Blaec asked.

"I dunno, man.  She's not ready yet.  But you know the type of girl I've always gone for."

Blaec smiled.  "Yeah.  Running around with skin the color most of us would kill to have, and you're bedding the palest women you can find.  Guess it doesn't get much more iliri than Sal."

Zep watched Blaec's face carefully.  "Yeah.  She's pretty much the type of girl I've always wanted.  Hell, ever since that day she got jacked, I can't really look at her the same.  I don't wanna mess up anything between us, though."

Blaec shrugged.  "If it happens, it happens.  I screwed things up pretty bad.  I guess it's best to know that she's with someone who really cares about her.  You'd be good for her."  He sighed.  "Have to say, I thought it'd be Cyno."

Zep laughed.  He didn't chuckle, he roared.  Blaec looked across at his friend, trying to understand what he'd missed while Zep wiped tears from the edges of his eyes.

"Human!" Zep managed around his gasping laughs.  "Oh.  Oh, man.  Ok.  LT, you're a fucking idiot!"  And he began laughing again.