Bluebeard's Egg (24 page)

Alma steps into the elevator and is carried up. Weightlessness encloses her. It’s a luxury; her whole life is a luxury. Theo, opening the door for her, is a luxury, especially his skin, which is smooth and well-fed and darker than hers, which comes of his being part Greek, a generation or two back, and which smells of brisk sweetish chemicals. Theo amazes her, she loves him so much she can barely see him. Love burns her out; it burns out Theo’s features so that all she can see in the dimmed apartment is an outline, shining. She’s not on the wave, she’s in it, warm and fluid. This is what she wants. They don’t get as far as the bedroom, but collapse onto the living-room rug, where Theo makes love to her as if he’s running for a train he’s never going to catch.

Time passes, and Theo’s details reappear, a mole here, a freckle there. Alma strokes the back of his neck, lifting her hand to look surreptitiously at her watch: she has to be back in time for Carol. She must not forget the gym suit, cast aside in its plastic bag at the door, along with her purse and shoes.

“That was magnificent,” says Alma. It’s true.

Theo smiles, kisses the inside of her wrist, holds it for a few seconds as if listening for the pulse, picks up her half-slip from the floor, hands it to her with tenderness and deference, as if presenting her with a bouquet of flowers. As if she’s a lady on a chocolate box. As if she’s dying, and only he knows it and wants to keep it from her.

“I hope,” he says pleasantly, “that when this is all over we won’t be enemies.”

Alma freezes, the half-slip half on. Then air goes into her, a silent gasp, a scream in reverse, because she’s noticed at once: he didn’t say “if,” he said “when.” Inside his head there’s a schedule. All this time during which she’s been denying time, he’s been checking off the days, doing a little countdown. He believes in predestination. He believes in doom. She should have known that, being such a neat person, he would not be able to stand anarchy forever. They must leave the water, then, and emerge onto dry land. She will need more clothes, because it will be colder there.

“Don’t be silly,” Alma says, pulling imitation satin up to her waist like a bedsheet. “Why would we?”

“It happens,” says Theo.

“Have I ever done or said anything to make you feel it would happen to us?” Alma says. Maybe he’s going back to his wife. Maybe he isn’t, but has decided anyway that she will not do, not on a daily basis, not for the rest of his life. He still believes there will be one. So does she, or why would she be this upset?

“No,” says Theo, scratching his leg, “but it’s the kind of thing that happens.” He stops scratching, looks at her, that look she used to consider sincere. “I just want you to know I like you too well for that.”

Like
. That finishes it, or does it? As often with Theo, she’s unsure of what is being said. Is he expressing devotion, or has it ended already, without her having been aware of it? She’s become used to thinking that in a relationship like theirs everything is given and nothing is demanded, but perhaps it’s the other way around. Nothing is given. Nothing is even
a given
. Alma feels suddenly too visible, too blatant. Perhaps she should return to Mort and become once more unseen.

“I like you too,” she says. She finishes dressing, while he continues to lie on the floor, gazing at her fondly, like someone waving to a departing ship, who nevertheless looks forward to the moment when he can go and have his dinner. He doesn’t care what she’s going to do next.

“Day after tomorrow?” he says, and Alma, who wants to have been wrong, smiles back.

“Beg and plead,” she says.

“I’m not good at it,” he says. “You know how I feel.”

Once, Alma would not even have paused at this; she would have been secure in the belief that he felt the same way she did. Now she decides that it’s a matter of polite form with him to pretend she understands him. Or maybe it’s an excuse, come to think of it, so he will never have to come right out on the table and affirm anything or explain himself.

“Same time?” she says.

The last of her buttons is done up. She’ll pick up her shoes at the door. She kneels, leans over to kiss him good-bye. Then there is an obliterating flash of light, and Alma slides to the floor.

When she comes to, she’s lying on Theo’s bed. Theo is dressed (in case he had to call an ambulance, she thinks), and sitting beside her, holding her hand. This time he isn’t pleased. “I think you have low blood pressure,” he says, being unable to ascribe it to sexual excitement. “You should have it checked out.”

“I thought maybe it was the real thing, this time,” Alma whispers. She’s relieved; she’s so relieved the bed feels weightless beneath her, as if she’s floating on water.

Theo misunderstands her. “You’re telling me it’s over?” he says, with resignation or eagerness, she can’t tell.

“It’s not over,” Alma says. She closes her eyes; in a minute, she’ll feel less dizzy, she’ll get up, she’ll talk, she’ll walk. Right now the salt drifts down behind her eyes, falling like snow, down through the ocean, past the dead coral, gathering on the branches of the salt tree that rises from the white crystal dunes below it. Scattered on the underwater sand are the bones of many small fish. It is so beautiful. Nothing can kill it. After everything is over, she thinks, there will still be salt.

The Sin Eater

T
his is Joseph, in maroon leather bedroom slippers, flattened at the heels, scuffed at the toes, wearing also a seedy cardigan of muddy off-yellow that reeks of bargain basements, sucking at his pipe, his hair greying and stringy, his articulation as beautiful and precise and English as ever:

“In Wales,” he says, “mostly in the rural areas, there was a personage known as the Sin Eater. When someone was dying the Sin Eater would be sent for. The people of the house would prepare a meal and place it on the coffin. They would have the coffin all ready, of course: once they’d decided you were going off, you had scarcely any choice in the matter. According to other versions, the meal would be placed on the dead person’s body, which must have made for some sloppy eating, one would have thought. In any case the Sin Eater would devour this meal and would also be given a sum of money. It was believed that all the sins the dying person had accumulated during his lifetime would be removed from him and transmitted to the Sin Eater. The Sin Eater thus became absolutely bloated with other people’s sins. She’d accumulate such a heavy load of them that nobody wanted to have anything to do with her; a kind of syphilitic of the soul, you might say. They’d even avoid speaking to her, except of course when it was time to summon her to another meal.”

“Her?” I say.

Joseph smiles, that lopsided grin that shows the teeth in one side of his mouth, the side not engaged with the stem of his pipe. An ironic grin, wolvish, picking up on what? What have I given away this time?

“I think of them as old women,” he says, “though there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have been men, I suppose. They could be anything as long as they were willing to eat the sins. Destitute old creatures who had no other way of keeping body and soul together, wouldn’t you think? A sort of geriatric spiritual whoring.”

He gazes at me, grinning away, and I remember certain stories I’ve heard about him, him and women. He’s had three wives, to begin with. Nothing with me though, ever, though he does try to help me on with my coat a bit too lingeringly. Why should I worry? It’s not as though I’m susceptible. Besides which he’s at least sixty, and the cardigan is truly gross, as my sons would say.

“It was bad luck to kill one of them, though,” he says, “and there must have been other perks. In point of fact I think Sin Eating has a lot to be said for it.”

Joseph’s not one of the kind who’ll wait in sensitive, indulgent silence when you’ve frozen on him or run out of things to say. If you won’t talk to him, he’ll bloody well talk to you, about the most boring things he can think of, usually. I’ve heard all about his flower beds and his three wives and how to raise calla lilies in your cellar; I’ve heard all about the cellar, too, I could give guided tours. He says he thinks it’s healthy for his patients – he won’t call them “clients,” no pussyfooting around, with Joseph – to know he’s a human being too, and God do we know it. He’ll drone on and on until you figure out that you aren’t paying him so you can listen to him talk about his house plants, you’re paying him so he can listen to you talk about yours.

Sometimes, though, he’s really telling you something. I pick up my coffee cup, wondering whether this is one of those occasions.

“Okay,” I say, “I’ll bite. Why?”

“It’s obvious,” he says, lighting his pipe again, spewing out fumes. “First, the patients have to wait until they’re dying. A true life crisis, no fakery and invention. They aren’t permitted to bother you until then, until they can demonstrate that they’re serious, you might say. Second, somebody gets a good square meal out of it.” He laughs ruefully. We both know that half his patients don’t bother to pay him, not even the money the government pays them. Joseph has a habit of taking on people nobody else will touch with a barge pole, not because they’re too sick but because they’re too poor. Mothers on welfare and so on; bad credit risks, like Joseph himself. He once got fired from a loony bin for trying to institute worker control.

“And think of the time saving,” he goes on. “A couple of hours per patient, sum total, as opposed to twice a week for years and years, with the same result in the end.”

“That’s pretty cynical,” I say disapprovingly. I’m supposed to be the cynical one, but maybe he’s outflanking me, to force me to give up this corner. Cynicism is a defence, according to Joseph.

“You wouldn’t even have to listen to them,” he says. “Not a blessed word. The sins are transmitted in the food.”

Suddenly he looks sad and tired.

“You’re telling me I’m wasting your time?” I say.

“Not mine, my dear,” he says. “I’ve got all the time in the world.”

I interpret this as condescension, the one thing above all that I can’t stand. I don’t throw my coffee cup at him, however. I’m not as angry as I would have been once.

We’ve spent a lot of time on it, this anger of mine. It was only because I found reality so unsatisfactory; that was my story. So unfinished, so sloppy, so pointless, so endless. I wanted things to make sense.

I thought Joseph would try to convince me that reality was actually fine and dandy and then try to adjust me to it, but he didn’t do that. Instead he agreed with me, cheerfully and at once. Life in most ways was a big pile of shit, he said. That was axiomatic. “Think of it as a desert island,” he said. “You’re stuck on it, now you have to decide how best to cope.”

“Until rescued?” I said.

“Forget about the rescue,” he said.

“I can’t,” I said.

This conversation is taking place in Joseph’s office, which is just as tatty as he is and smells of unemptied ash-trays, feet, misery and twice-breathed air. But it’s also taking place in my bedroom, on the day of the funeral. Joseph’s, who didn’t have all the time in the world.

“He fell out of a tree,” said Karen, notifying me. She’d come to do this in person, rather than using the phone. Joseph didn’t trust phones. Most of the message in any act of communication, he said, was non-verbal.

Karen stood in my doorway, oozing tears. She was one of his too, one of us; it was through her I’d got him. By now there’s a network of us, it’s like recommending a hairdresser, we’ve passed him from hand to hand like the proverbial eye or tooth. Smart women with detachable husbands or genius afflicted children with nervous tics, smart women with deranged lives, overjoyed to find someone who wouldn’t tell us we were too smart for our own good and should all have frontal lobotomies. Smartness was an asset, Joseph maintained. We should only see what happened to the dumb ones.

“Out of a
tree
?” I said, almost screaming.

“Sixty feet, onto his head,” said Karen. She began weeping again. I wanted to shake her.

“What the bloody hell was he doing up at the top of a sixty-foot
tree?”
I said.

“Pruning it,” said Karen. “It was in his garden. It was cutting off the light to his flower beds.”

“The old fart,” I said. I was furious with him. It was an act of desertion. What made him think he had the right to go climbing up to the top of a sixty-foot tree, risking all our lives? Did his flower beds mean more to him than we did?

“What are we going to do?” said Karen.

What am I going to do?
is one question. It can always be replaced by
What am I going to wear?
For some people it’s the same thing. I go through the cupboard, looking for the blackest things I can find. What I wear will be the non-verbal part of the communication. Joseph will notice. I have a horrible feeling I’ll turn up at the funeral home and find they’ve laid him out in his awful yellow cardigan and those tacky maroon leather bedroom slippers.

I needn’t have bothered with the black. It’s no longer demanded. The three wives are in pastels, the first in blue, the second in mauve, the third, the current one, in beige. I know a lot about the three wives, from those off-days of mine when I didn’t feel like talking.

Karen is here too, in an Indian-print dress, snivelling softly to herself. I envy her. I want to feel grief, but I can’t quite believe Joseph is dead. It seems like some joke he’s playing, some anecdote that’s supposed to make us learn something. Fakery and invention.
All right, Joseph
, I want to call,
we have the answer, you can come out now
. But nothing happens, the closed coffin remains closed, no wisps of smoke issue from it to show there’s life.

The closed coffin is the third wife’s idea. She thinks it’s more dignified, says the grapevine, and it probably is. The coffin is of dark wood, in good taste, no showy trim. No one has made a meal and placed it on this coffin, no one has eaten from it. No destitute old creature, gobbling down the turnips and mash and the heavy secrecies of Joseph’s life along with them. I have no idea what Joseph might have had on his conscience. Nevertheless I feel this as an omission: what then have become of Joseph’s sins? They hover around us, in the air, over the bowed heads, while a male relative of Joseph’s, unknown to me, tells us all what a fine man he was.

After the funeral we go back to Joseph’s house, to the third wife’s house, for what used to be called the wake. Not any more: now it’s coffee and refreshments.

The flower beds are tidy, gladioli at this time of year, already fading and a little ragged. The tree branch, the one that broke, is still on the lawn.

“I kept having the feeling he wasn’t really there,” says Karen as we go up the walk.

“Really where?” I say.

“There,” says Karen. “In the coffin.”

“For Christ’s sake,” I say, “don’t start that.” I can tolerate that kind of sentimental fiction in myself, just barely, as long as I don’t do it out loud. “Dead is dead, that’s what he’d say. Deal with here and now, remember?”

Karen, who’d once tried suicide, nodded and started to cry again. Joseph is an expert on people who try suicide. He’s never lost one yet.

“How does he do it?” I asked Karen once. Suicide wasn’t one of my addictions, so I didn’t know.

“He makes it sound so
boring,”
she said.

“That can’t be all,” I said.

“He makes you imagine,” she said, “what it’s like to be dead.”

There are people moving around quietly, in the living room and in the dining room, where the table stands, arranged by the third wife with a silver tea urn and a vase of chrysanthemums pink and yellow. Nothing too funereal, you can hear her thinking. On the white tablecloth there are cups, plates, cookies, coffee, cakes. I don’t know why funerals are supposed to make people hungry, but they do. If you can still chew you know you’re alive.

Karen is beside me, stuffing down a piece of chocolate cake. On the other side is the first wife.

“I hope you aren’t one of the loonies,” she says to me abruptly. I’ve never really met her before, she’s just been pointed out to me, by Karen, at the funeral. She’s wiping her fingers on a paper napkin. On her powder-blue lapel is a gold brooch in the shape of a bird’s nest, complete with the eggs. It reminds me of high school: felt skirts with appliqués of cats and telephones, a world of replicas.

I ponder my reply. Does she mean
client
, or is she asking whether I am by chance genuinely out of my mind?

“No,” I say.

“Didn’t think so,” says the first wife. “You don’t look like it. A lot of them were, the place was crawling with them. I was afraid there might be an
incident
. When I lived with Joseph there were always these
incidents
, phone calls at two in the morning, always killing themselves, throwing themselves all over him, you couldn’t believe what went on. Some of them were
devoted
to him. If he’d told them to shoot the Pope or something, they’d have done it just like that.”

“He was very highly thought of,” I say carefully.

“You’re telling
me,”
says the first wife. “Had the idea he was God himself, some of them. Not that he minded all that much.”

The paper napkin isn’t adequate, she’s licking her fingers. “Too rich,” she says.
“Hers.”
She jerks her head in the direction of the second wife, who is wispier than the first wife and is walking past us, somewhat aimlessly, in the direction of the living room. “You can have it, I told him finally. I just want some peace and quiet before I have to start pushing up the daisies.” Despite the richness, she helps herself to another piece of chocolate cake.
“She
had this nutty idea that we should have some of them stand up and give little testimonies about him, right at the ceremony. Are you totally out of your tree? I told her. It’s your funeral, but if I was you I’d try to keep it in mind that some of the people there are going to be a whole lot saner than others. Luckily she listened to me.”

“Yes,” I say. There’s chocolate icing on her cheek: I wonder if I should tell her.

“I did what I could,” she says, “which wasn’t that much, but still. I was fond of him in a way. You can’t just wipe out ten years of your life. I brought the cookies,” she adds, rather smugly. “Least I could do.”

I look down at the cookies. They’re white, cut into the shapes of stars and moons and decorated with coloured sugar and little silver balls. They remind me of Christmas, of festivals and celebrations. They’re the kind of cookies you make to please someone; to please a child.