Blurred Truth (The Blurred Series Book 2) (8 page)

When I don’t respond to her last statement, she breaks the silence.

“After Claire moved away to college, we sort of grew apart. She’s got a different life now, that I’m not a part of.”

“Claire… I think I remember her. Skinny little thing, glasses? You guys were attached at the hip, back in the day.”

“Yeah…back in the day,” she murmurs regretfully.

“You used to be into chat rooms, right? Do you at least have a lot of friends you can speak to online?” Okay, so I know she used to have friends other than me...Land, online. She told me that much during our conversations over the years. But there’s been no talk of anyone else recently, come to think of it, and it has me really curious.

“Well, I used to have a few friends I chatted to regularly. I kind of just have the one friend now, though,” she says, still focusing on her chips and moving them around the plate, absentmindedly.

What comes out of my mouth next, is the epitome of asshattery.

“So, tell me about him.”

I’m blaming the brain-to-mouth filter issue again. Before I could think better of it, the words were already spilling out of my mouth.

“How do you know it’s a him?” she asks with an accusatory tone.

Shit
.
Think, you douche. Think!

“You used to have a lot of friends you spoke to. Now you only have one. It’s a guy and you like him...a lot.”

Nailed it.

“Yeah, I do,” she sighs heavily.

“So, tell me about him,” I say again. Intentionally this time.

“Well, where to begin? He’s just the sweetest person I’ve ever known. He’s so nice to me and I can tell he cares about me, just as much as I do about him. He listens to my problems and gives me advice. He’s just...always there for me.”

After a while of listening to about all I can stand of Natalie telling me how well I’ve fooled her into thinking
Land
is this amazing person, I ask, “So, you want to meet this guy?”

“Yeah, I think I do,” she admits.

“Would you listen to me if I told you I thought it was a bad idea?”

I’m him! He’s me!
I wanna scream.

“Why do you think it’s a bad idea?” she asks with irritation lacing her words.

Because he’s right in front of you!

She doesn’t want to hear anyone tell her that anything to do with Land is a bad idea, and it’s all my own doing.

Fuck.

“I don’t know. I just think you should...explore all your other options before committing yourself to meeting someone you met online.”

“What other options?”

“Well, you’ve only just moved here. You just got a job. You’re meeting new people and making new friends. I think those new friendships are worth exploring before you take any unnecessary risks.”

“This is exactly what everyone else thinks about online relationships. You watch one TV show about people who lie and you think it applies to everybody. Well, it doesn’t. Land is honest and he cares about me,” she explains tersely.

“You don’t even know his name or where he lives, Natty. Don’t be naive.”

Damn. That might have been too much.

“I am not naive! Our relationship is real,” she says vehemently, as she stands up from her place on the blanket.

A hint of anger builds inside my chest as I struggle to make her see that I can be just as good as
him
. And I’m
here
.

You realize you’re jealous of yourself, right?

Oh, shut the fuck up, inner-dialogue. I've had enough of your shit.

“You are naive if you think he’s the only one who can make you happy!” I say with equal vehemence, moving to my knees and tugging her hand to make her sit back down with me. But she doesn’t.

“I don’t see anyone else trying,” she says quietly, looking down into my eyes.

Does that mean she wants me to try? Does she want me, the way I want her? Is she not as caught-up in her online relationship as I thought?

“Look again. Please, just sit back down with me, Natty?” I plead, tugging her hand a second time and hoping she doesn’t reject me, again.

When she finally complies, she looks at me like a deer caught in headlights, and it guts me.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” I beg, lightly brushing her cheek with the tips of my fingers.

“Like what?” she whispers.

“Like you’re scared of me. Like you want to run away,” I clarify.

“What if I am scared? What if I need to run?”

“Then I need to fix that.”

“What if you can’t? What if I’m not fixable?”

Bringing my other hand up to cup her face in my palm, I say, “Maybe you’re not the one who needs fixing.”

“You’re going to make me betray him, aren’t you?” she asks hoarsely.

“He’s hiding from you. He doesn’t deserve your loyalty. He doesn’t deserve you,” I say, all too aware of the fact I’m talking about myself.

“Do you deserve me, Ryan?” she asks tentatively.

“No, but the difference between him and me is, I’m willing to admit it.”

I can’t stop what happens next, even if I wanted to; which I don’t. My self-control has a limit, and this is it. I need to show her how much I want her. I only hope it doesn’t scare her off for good.

“If you tell me to stop, I’ll stop.”

Then I close the gap between us and I kiss Natalie Connor for the first time.

It’s epic. Like a romantic scene in a movie, only better. It’s everything at once. All feeling and emotion. It almost suffocates me with need.

I thought the thing that pulled me to Natalie would ease a little, once I finally got a taste of her, but the opposite is true. I’m consumed with wanting more of her.

And just when I think I’ve died and gone to heaven, the past comes back to drag me down to earth.

“This is extreme on the PDA scale, even for you, Ryan.”

Well, fuck my life.
Tina.

“Shit!” I whisper, involuntarily, against Natty’s soft lips. It’s literally painful to be parted from them, now that I know how good they feel against mine.

I make quick work of rising to my knees and pulling Nat with me. I can’t imagine Tina’s going to be pleasant, and I don’t want Natalie feeling vulnerable in front of her.

I turn to Tina then, and say, “Tina. Always a pleasure. What do you want?”

“Who’s this?” she asks with a fake pleasantness, ignoring my question.

Typical Tina.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but this is Natalie.”

“Well, I see you don’t waste any time moving on. When did you meet this one? Like, two days ago?”

“Like, third grade,” Natty retorts, and I feel a burst of pride at her unusually catty tone. Apparently, Natalie Connor can give as good as she gets, and that makes me...proud.

“Well, I sure hope you haven’t been dating him since
third grade,
because he was still fucking me
last week
.”

That lying bitch.

“When you get bored of her, call me.” She winks at me, then turns and strides away.

I don’t believe in violence against women, but I’m gonna strangle her in her sleep. She’s a liar and I’m sorry I ever messed around with the woman. She might have just ruined everything between me and Natalie with one false statement.

“Dammit. She’s such a bitch. I’m sorry Natty,” I say, turning back around and placing my hand on her knee. She quickly brushes my hand away and my heart sinks to the depths of my stomach.

Ruined.

“If you were sleeping with her last week and she expects you to
call her
, I don’t want you touching me right now,” she says sternly.

“She was lying, Natty. She’s just jealous. Please don’t let her get to you.”

“You never slept with her?”

Shit
. Why couldn’t she clarify that with ‘
last week’,
then I could tell her exactly what she wants to hear. Instead, I look guilty as fuck, because I have actually slept with Tina lots of times, in lots of ways, and now the memories just leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

“I wasn’t with her last week. It’s been at least a month,” I say, hanging my head in shame that I feel down to my bones. “And I will never call her,” I clarify, looking into Natalie’s eyes now to drive the point home.

“So how many others are there?” she asks, and the question throws me off. It was unexpected, but I guess I should have been expecting it after...
that.

But at the same time, I feel hurt that she’d think I was sleeping with multiple girls whilst kissing her in the damn park.

Does she think that little of me?

“None. I mean, she’s the last girl I was...seeing. There were others before her, but I don’t mess around with multiple girls at a time, Natalie.”

“Is that what you want to do with me?” she asks flatly, staring at no point in particular. Anywhere but at me, apparently.

“What?”

“Mess around,” she clarifies.

How could she even think that?

“What? No! Natalie, look at me.”

When she doesn’t look at me, I hook her chin with my forefinger and bring her eyes to meet mine. It’s then that I see tears welling in them, and the vision breaks my heart.

I caused this.

“Natalie, please don’t cry,” I plead, brushing the tears away from her cheeks as they begin to fall. “I don’t want you to cry over something I’ve done.”

“I don’t want to cry over something you’ve done, either. I’d like to go home now,” she states, keeping her voice even, regardless of the tears.

“Okay. Come on, I’ll take you home.”

The ride back to the apartment is the complete opposite to the one on the way to the park. I feel her heartbeat, like the first ride, but it’s different. It’s not the beat of excitement, but of panic. And it’s accompanied by the occasional shudder of crying.

How did it come to this? How did it get so messed up, so quickly?

How will I make it up to her?

All of these thoughts swim in my mind, all the way back to the home we share with her brother.

Fuck. How hard is Nate going to punch me?

* * *

When we pull up to the curb outside the apartment, I don’t even have time to kick down the bike’s stand, before Natalie is off and running through the door of the building.

I rush to turn off the bike and sprint up the stairs after her.

I knew she was upset, but the way she just fled has me panicked.

When I burst into the apartment, no one’s in the living area, but I hear voices coming from the hallway where the bedrooms are situated, so I rush toward where the sound is coming from, without a second thought.

When I reach Natalie’s bedroom, what I see has my stomach in knots.

“God, Natty. Are you okay?” I ask, as I see her struggling for air on the bed, in front of Nate, who’s kneeling down in front of her.

“Was she with you? What happened?” Nate demands, without looking at me.

“Yeah, we just came back from the park,” I explain.

“What happened?” Nate asks, impatiently.

“I…”

“Just...leave,” Natty cuts me off through her tears.

“But, Natty, I need to know you’re okay.” She can’t just shut me out. Not now.

“Please...make him leave, Nate… I don’t want him to see me...like this,” she chokes out before struggling to take a deep breath.

“Please, man. Just go. I’ve got her. She’ll be okay,” Nate promises.

So, not wanting to upset my girl any more than I have already, I close the door softly, and go to my room to contemplate what this entirely fucked-up day means for us going forward.

It started so good. How did it end so bad?

* * *

Natalie: Hey. Sorry for freaking out. It was a panic attack. I have them sometimes. Must have just been all the people and the new surroundings. Please don’t tell Nate about what happened today. I just need to be alone for a while. Thanks for understanding.

Does she really expect me to buy that? I know it was my fault. I know it’s because I pushed her regarding Land. Then I kissed her. Then
Tina
happened. It was all too much, too fast, for her.

She’s had to deal with so much lately. What the hell was I thinking?

Me: I know that’s not why it happened, Natty, and I’m so sorry. I’ll stick to your story, though. Are you okay?

After half an hour of waiting for her response, I grow impatient and even more worried than I was before.

Me: Please let me know that you’re okay. I’m worried. Nate said you are, but I need to hear it from you.

Remembering that she said she needs alone time right now, I decide to distract myself, working on the author website I’ve been designing. But it’s so hard to focus on anything but the girl in the room across the hall.

After another hour, when I’ve still not heard a peep from her, I try again.

Me: I’ll check on you if you don’t text me back.

Deciding it’s pointless to keep texting her, if she doesn’t want to speak to me, I decide to log on to the chat room in hopes that she’ll speak to the
other
me.

This is such a bad idea.

BabyDove94 is online.

Here goes nothing.

BabyDove94 says: Hi.

OffLand18 says: Hi.

BabyDove94 says: I’m sorry for how I acted last night. It was uncalled for.

OffLand18 says: I’m sorry for pushing. If you want to tell me things that happen in your life, you’ll tell me. If you don’t, you won’t.

BabyDove94 says: There are some things you don’t want to know.

OffLand18 says: You’re probably right. But I’d listen anyway.

BabyDove94 says: Would you listen if I said I need to know your name, date of birth, place of residence and a picture of you?

Fuck.
I knew this was a bad idea. I said all that stuff against Land at the park today, and now I want her to open up to him and confide in him?

I am seriously messed-up in the head.

OffLand18 says: I’d listen.

BabyDove94 says: But would you give them to me?

How the hell do I handle this? I can’t give them to her. I can’t tell her
he’s
me. Not after what happened today. The alternative is only mildly better, but it
is
better. The alternative means I can still be there for her, even if Land can’t.

OffLand18 says: I can’t. We’ve been through this. Please don’t push it.

BabyDove94 says: Then I can’t wait for you. Until you can be completely open with me, I won’t put my life on hold for you.

The guilt I feel at what I have to do now is unlike any other. I never felt this terrible about anything I’ve done, and I’ve done some awful shit.

OffLand18 says: Okay.

BabyDove94 says: If that’s all you have to say after everything we’ve been through together, after everything we’ve shared, then I don’t think I can carry on having a relationship of any kind with you. Your refusal to share anything of importance with me, after all these years, hurts. It physically hurts. I can’t keep hoping we’ll move forward and being stuck in the same place day after day. I can’t do it. I won’t. If you let me walk away right now, then you’re not who I thought you were, and I’ll be forced to say goodbye. Don’t let that happen, please.

Her words cut like a knife. I knew this would hurt her, but seeing the words makes it so...real.

OffLand18 says: I’m sorry, Little Dove. Please believe I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Goodbye.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
I whisper to myself, clutching my hair in my hands. Not knowing what on earth to do now.

How do I make this better? How do I make her forget him and the pain this whole situation has caused. How do I
fix
this?

I can’t.

* * *

Me: Do you need me to come lay with you? Or you can come to my room if you want?

Me: I can hear you crying, and it’s killing me. I don’t know if me being there would make you feel better or worse.

Me: I’m coming to your room now.

I can’t stand listening to her tears and doing nothing any longer. It’s ripping my heart from my body and stomping on it.

Opening the door slowly, I see her curled up on the bed facing away from me. Her body is still, as if she’s asleep, but I know that’s not true.

I tentatively make my way to where she lies, then without preamble, gently pull the covers away so that I can slide in the bed behind her.

I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her tight against my chest. Comforting us both.

Even though I know I shouldn’t, I gently touch my lips to her shoulder. Almost a kiss, but not quite. The action causes Natalie to release the breath she was holding, but the pent up emotion in her throat makes it sound more like a quiet whimper, that almost makes me cry.

“What are you doing here,” she manages to whisper, but doesn’t turn around to face me.

“You weren’t answering my texts, so I had to check on you. I told you I would. Go to sleep, Natalie.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“I know.”

I repeat the brush of my lips on her shoulder, unable to stop myself from doing it, and slowly caress her stomach with my fingertips, reassuringly.

“Are you going to kiss me?” she asks in the darkness.

“Do you want me to?” God, I hope she says yes.

“I don’t know.”

“No, I’m not going to kiss you, Natty.”

“Why not?” Why does she sound so disappointed?

“Because you’re not even sure you want me to, and I’d be taking advantage of you, even if you said yes. You’re upset. Emotionally vulnerable.”