Boo Hiss (10 page)

“I know. It would be cool to stand out on my front lawn and call Jeff at his house.”

“Who is Jeff?”

“My friend. He lives across the street.”

“Right. And you could check in with your mom when you’re out late.”

“Oh, my mom won’t let me get one. She says they cause brain cancer.”

She hoped she hadn’t become too optimistic about how quickly this town was going to conform. “Well, just remember, greet everyone with a friendly smile and keep it simple. We don’t need people to know how to access the satellite code, just how to dial their buddy to meet for coffee.”

“Right. And I’m going to have to come up with some good reasons
why calling them at home wouldn’t work. But I’m on top of it. I have a goal of signing up five people today.”

“Very good,” Katelyn said. “You sound ambitious. What did you say your last job was?”

“I sold bulletins for a dollar at the church.” He shrugged at her shocked expression. “Hey, let me tell you, when you have to start selling something people expect for free, you’ve got to recognize the fact that you have an exceptional salesman’s ability.”

“Right,” she said. “Well, we’ve gone over everything. My husband, Michael, will be in soon to check on you.”

“Michael the Manager. Has a nice ring to it.”

“Call me on my cell if you have any questions, okay?”

“Gotcha.”

Katelyn walked outside and stood on the sidewalk. The air was so fresh and clean here. Tall pines framed the picturesque town and its blue sky. She decided a large mocha was in order. She walked across the street to the other sidewalk and headed toward the coffeehouse.

As she did, she passed a strange-looking fellow. He looked like the crocodile hunter, except for his pale skin, orange hair, and freckled face. He was curiously out of place here with his leather pants and jungle shirt. She stepped aside as he walked past. He gave her a wink and a half smile. There was a determined twinkle in his eye as he marched forward.

“That’s strange,” she heard someone say. She glanced to her right, and two men, totally bald, sat in front of the barber shop with their newspapers held erect in their laps. One chewed a smokeless cigar.

“That man?” the other said.

“Yeah. He’s not from these parts.”

“You got that right. First of all, look how he walks.”

“No kidding. There’s bowlegged, but then there’s that.”

“Suppose he’s from Texas? They got some big bulls down that way.”

“Naw. That’s no Texan. His belt buckles too small.” The man with the cigar folded his newspaper. “No sirree. I can tell you where that fellow is from.”

“Where?”

“The suburbs.”

“The suburbs?”

“Strange breed of people.”

“They dress like that?”

“They’re as senseless with their fashion as they are with their cars and houses. The last time I checked, there wasn’t a need for more bathrooms than you have people in your house.”

“So that’s a suburbanite.”

“Things are changing, Rich. You can smell it in the air. If I’m lucky, I’ll die in this decade before I see the robots take over our town.” He sighed heavily. “Margaret loves all this. She can’t stay out of that stupid bookstore. She claims she’s drawn to the sofa. I say, ‘Margaret, we got a big honkin’ sofa in our own home!’ It doesn’t seem to matter. A sofa surrounded by books apparently is a better sofa.” He stared across the street. “And now we got that!” He pointed to the cell phone store, where a few people mingled outside, looking into the windows. “Lord have mercy is all I have to say.”

Suddenly the two men noticed Katelyn listening in on their conversation.

“That’s another one,” cigar-man whispered. “That kind of blond doesn’t come naturally on God’s green earth.”

“It won’t be long now,” the other one said. “Pretty soon, all the suburbanites will take over our town.”

Katelyn folded her arms and huffed away. For their information, Skary, Indiana, was not destined to be a suburb. It was far too remote to be a suburb. It was, in fact, destined to be an X-burb. But of course,
these two men were too closeminded to care what that was. Or the potential this wonderful town had to offer.

She swung her shearling handbag over her shoulder and walked past the men with a dismissive flounce.

Now, where had she parked her Suburban?

It wasn’t the cast of
Shakespeare in Love
, but she was pretty sure she could manage this group of people into some sort of interesting dramatics. The closest any one of them had come to actually being in a play was Martin, who had understudied in
The Lion in Winter in
college. But his prayers for the lead to grow ill or break a leg were not granted, and therefore he’d never actually performed in front of an audience.

“But,” he assured her on their date, “I knew my lines perfectly. I feel confident about my abilities.”

Lois had never seen this side of Martin before. She knew him only to be the fumbling sidekick and trailing shadow of Mayor Wullisworth. At dinner, he was quite charming, and though he wasn’t really her type, she’d managed to say yes at his insistence they go out together again.

However, Lois also couldn’t deny her attraction to the sheriff, who, to her surprise, had shown up on time to rehearsal, and even sounded enthusiastic about the fact that his role had grown larger.

She’d passed out pictures of the set design and copies of the rehearsal schedule and the newly revised play.

“Does anyone have any questions before we begin our read-through?” Lois asked.

Mariée raised her hand. “What kind of wardrobe am I going to have?”

“Yes, thank you for asking that question, Marlee. It’s an important one. For most of the play, you will be wearing jeans that are too tight around the waist, several different logo sweatshirts, and your hair will always need to be tied back in a bun because you decided to do layers and it backfired.”

Marlee looked disappointed. “Won’t I have a gown?” A gown?

“I am the love interest. Surely I get to dress up at some point, right?”

“Oh. Right. Well, we’ll discuss that at a later date, but I’m probably going to go with a black pantsuit that was fashionable back in the sixties but is all I—she—can afford.”

“I’ve actually got a great dress from my prom night a few years—”

“Who’s the director here?” Sorry.

“Listen, folks. This isn’t about you. You’re going to have to enter into these roles, play these characters. It’s going to take some stretching; you’re going to leave your comfort zone a bit. And if that means you’re wearing sequins and polyester, then that’s what it means. You gotta sell your character to the audience. If you don’t believe it, they’re not going to. Does everyone understand?”

They all nodded.

“Okay. Now. Let’s get started. Quiet, everyone. This is our first read-through. As we do this, I want you to think through your character, find your characters’ motivation. Why does he say certain things? Why does she act a certain way? I want everybody to concentrate.”

Everybody opened their scripts. But all Lois could think about was how good the sheriff smelled.

C
HAPTER
11

“I
JUST LOVE THE WAY
you say that line,” Lois said, scooting a bit closer to the sheriff.

“Which line?”

“You there. Stop and put your hands up
.”

The sheriff smiled. “I guess it’s because I’ve said that a time or two.” “It comes across so naturally.”

“What did you want to work on? I’m sure I’m the worst actor here. The list could be endless.”

“Oh, you’re not as bad as you think.” Lois slapped his arm. Goodness, there was a lot of solid arm there. She slapped it again, just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. No, there was indeed an actual muscle bulging. She stood, walked to center stage, and beckoned the sheriff to follow. “Now,” she said, “the thing that I wasn’t quite buying was your affection for Lotus.”
Suck in your gut
.

The sheriff stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around nervously. “Yeah. I know this is acting, but I can’t say I’m going to be pulling it off very well. My wife passed on years ago, and I guess I’m out of practice at being a romantic. Plus, Marlee is like a daughter to me. She’s been friends with Ainsley since childhood. I kind of feel weird hitting on her.”

“Understood,” Lois said. “Just remember, it’s pretend. You’re playing a role, so you have to completely enter into the head of Bart, and
Marlee is no longer Ainsley’s childhood friend. She is a beautiful middle-aged woman named Lotus with an extra twenty pounds to shed.” “Right.”

“It’ll help when she’s in costume.”

“Okay.”

“Have you ever heard of method acting?”

“No.”

“It’s the way certain actors prepare for certain roles. For instance, if an actor is playing a soldier, he might go to boot camp to see what it’s like.”

The sheriff took his finger out of his ear, checked it for wax, and then stuffed his hand in his jeans pocket.

“So,” Lois continued, “let’s do some method acting. I’m Lotus, you’re Bart. Let’s say we’re standing in the street. We’ve run into each other after the annual fair.”

“That’s not in the script, is it?”

“No, no. See, that’s method acting. You take your character out of the script, put him into a real life situation, and see how he does.”

“Huh.”

“So, let’s say we meet on the street. You’re not expecting to see Lotus. So, what do you say?”

“Hi Lois.”

“Lotus.”

“Hi Lotus.”

“Hi there, Bart. What are you doing out here so late?”

“Lois asked me to stay.”

“You must stay in character. Think of a reason why you’re out here so late.”

The sheriff sighed, looking a little defeated.

Lois whispered, “Like maybe you’re hunting down a bad guy.”

“I’m hunting down a bad guy.” “Oh, my. That sounds dangerous.” “Not really. Nothing dangerous happens around here.” “That’s because we have such a strong and stable sheriff.” Red circles glowed on the sheriff’s cheeks. “I do the best I can, ma’am.

She touched his arm. “Oh, don’t call me ma’am. Call me Lotus.”

“Okay. Lotus.”

“So,” she said, her finger tracing down his arm, “what are you doing now? I don’t see any bad guys around.”

The sheriff pulled at his mustache but seemed to try to stay in character. “I guess nothing.”

“Maybe you could join me for a cup of coffee.”

“Oh. Sure. Yes. Love to.”

Lois smiled. “Good! You’re doing terrific. Just remember, Bart is in love with Lotus, so he is probably going to initiate this little date.”

The sheriff swallowed, scratched his neck, and then said, “Why stop at coffee? Why don’t we go get something to eat?”

“Oh, Bart. That sounds wonderful.”

The sheriff looked proud of himself. “Well, c’mon! I’m hungry!”

Lois smiled tolerantly. “Remember your manners, Bart.”

“Oh.” He held out his arm. “Would you be so kind to accompany me? Lotus?”

“It would be my pleasure, Bart.” She took his arm, and a tingling sensation drifted from her head all the way down to her feet. They walked off the stage together.

When they stepped onto the carpet, the sheriff slapped his hands together. “How was that?”

Lois raised a seductive eyebrow. “Well,” she said. “As far as I can tell, we haven’t made it to the restaurant yet. Bart.”

“I don’t think I dressed for the occasion,” the woman said.

The man gave her the signal to be quiet. She wasn’t getting it, so he finally had to put his finger on her lips. He took her hand and guided her through the thick grouping of trees. Leonard Tarffeski watched these two from a distance, particularly the man, who had decided to follow Tarffeski yesterday after he got coffee. This guy was acting like Han Solo! All that was missing were two gigantic buns on either side of this chick’s ears.

Jabba the Hutt is waiting for you
.

“I think I heard something slither through the leaves.”

Tarffeski chuckled. This guy was actually looking for the snake? This was great! What a moron!”

“Before I picked you up, I found snake tracks near the junkyard.”

“Butch,” she moaned, “I’m freaking out.”

He turned to her and gently held her shoulders. “Tammi, you have nothing to fear. I’m with you.”

Tarffeski doubled over with silent laughter. This guy was something else.

“I hate snakes.”

“I thought you told me your horoscope called you adventurous and fearless.”

Sounds like this dates a bust. What kind of guy would take a chick snake hunting? If you want to impress her, take her to a restaurant that
serves
snake, you idiot
.

He pulled out his knife. The girl jumped backward. It was a long knife. “Don’t be afraid. I am highly qualified to use this knife. And a boa is no match for how quickly I can strike.”

Tammi didn’t look convinced. Tarffeski figured this guy would have another corny one-liner waiting.

“Sweetheart,” Butch said, “you have no worries. With one swift flick of my wrist, I can cut this snakes head off instantly.”

She folded her arms. “And exactly which head would that be? The left or right?”

“Look, if you’re going to date me, then you’re going to have to accept the fact that I live for danger. It’s part of who I am. I can’t change that about me.” He swept her hair out of her eyes. “You have nothing to fear. I will protect you.”

The girl actually looked convinced. And now madly in love. He was going to have to stop this nonsense. It was too painful to watch.

“But who will protect
you?”
Tarffeski stepped out of the shadows. He grinned at the two of them. Frankly, the knife was making
him a
little nervous, especially now that it was pointed toward him.

“Good evening,” Tarffeski said. “What are you two lovebirds doing out so late?”

“I could ask the same thing about you.”

“Impressive knife.”

“It came from overseas.”

“So did I.”

“You’re going to try to convince me that’s a real Australian accent?”

“It’s New Zealand.”

“New Zealand. What are you doing in Indiana?”

“I’m a snake hunter.”

“A snake hunter.”

“A
professional
snake hunter.” Tarffeski looked at Butch’s knife. “But unlike you, I respect the animal kingdom.” He patted the cloth sack hanging from his belt. “I have no plans to kill this strange and rare creature.”

Butch narrowed his eyes. “There’s something that’s not right here.”

“I would say it’s not right to bring such a lovely woman out here in the woods just to try to impress her.” He addressed Tammi. “A woman like you should be wined and dined, not taken out on a snake hunt.”

“Hey,” Butch said. “We have reservations at eight. So back off, snake man.

“The name is Leonard.”

“He does have a cool accent,” Tammi said. “I’ve never known anyone from New Zealand.”

Leonard stepped forward. “Why don’t you two kids go on, and leave the snake handling to the experts?”

“Good idea. I’m freezing. And I’m tired,” Tammi said.

Butch stared him down, but then turned to Tammi. “Sure, Tammi. Whatever you want.” He offered a smile. “I want you to be happy.”

“Wise choice,” Tarffeski said.

“I’m going to be watching you.”

“Watch and learn.”

“This guy is something else, isn’t he? Who do you think you’re fooling?”

“Be on your way, lad. I’ve got a snake to catch. And you have a girl yet to impress.”

Butch put his arm around Tammi and walked her back through the trees toward his car.

Tarffeski laughed to himself as he listened to them drive off. Then he hurried over to the junkyard.