Bracing the Blue Line (20 page)

“I'M SO SORRY to do this to you, Neil,” Audra starts when I answer the phone.

“What are you talking about?” I interrupt, parking at a fast food restaurant for lunch.

“My appointment was rescheduled for this afternoon because the doctor has to make a trip out of town. I tried to get it on a different day when I knew you could come, but I wasn't able to do that. I know you wanted to go. I'm sorry.” She sounds near tears, and I hate hearing that.

“What time is the appointment?”

“At one thirty.” Shit, she's calling it close. “I know it's last minute, but I got busy at work this morning and couldn't call.”

“I only had two morning classes and we don't have practice today, so I can come. Have you had lunch yet?”

“No, I was about to head to my parents' place.”

“I'll meet you there, okay?”

After she agrees, I head that way. Today, I'll get to see baby girl, and we'll also have to do the paternity test. At least I feel more rested than I did this morning. I may have dozed during the little break between classes. Tonight when I go to Audra's, we're definitely going to have to work on homework again.

Audra's sitting at the same table as last time, but unlike then, her mother is sitting with her. Audra is facing the front and smiles when she sees me. That's new, or at least, it feels like it. I kiss her temple again before sitting down next to her. I can't help it. She's carrying my baby girl, and she was worried I would be upset that I wouldn't be able to go with her to the appointment. I want her to feel good about things, so a little, innocent kiss there should help with that.

“Hey, Audra. Hey, Mrs. Garcia. Are you eating with us today?” I ask.

“Yes, I am. Audra said you've been very sweet with her.” What? When have I been sweet? I've only been like normal and nice. Maybe there's not a difference between nice and sweet. Upon seeing my confusion, she adds, “She told me about last night. I told her she could have called me, that I wouldn't mind and besides, it sounds like you have quite the load on your shoulders. You play hockey, correct?”

“Yes, ma'am. It's really not that much and I didn't mind going to the store for her.”

Mrs. Garcia smiles at me. “I don't think we've ever watched a game before. How long have you been playing?”

“Since I was old enough. We have a game Thursday night, if y'all want to come.” It's risky inviting them because what if Audra wants to see me afterwards? None of the guys, except Bo and Coach, know about her or the baby.

The waitress brings us a pizza and Audra starts to devour a slice.

“Would you like to go, Audra?”

“Um,” she wipes her mouth with a napkin and finishes chewing the bite she took, “I've seen a game before, that's how I eventually ended up meeting Neil.” She puts a hand on the top of her stomach. “But if you want to go, then we can. I haven't been to one this season.”

Mrs. Garcia smiles. She's obviously looking forward to this. In between eating, she continues to ask questions. “Where are your parents? Do they live around here? What do they do?”

“They live a few hours from here and they own a realty company. We used to live around here, but they moved once I started college. I stay with a couple of teammates in a house they used to rent out.” I figured it's best to go ahead and give her all the information before she could ask.

“What are y'all looking to do once the baby comes as far as living arrangements?”

“We haven't talked about that yet, Ma,” Audra inputs.

“Then what have you been doing?” She narrows her eyes at me first and then Audra, like we're doing something very wrong.

“We've been trying to get along. I didn't exactly know him before and we didn't start off great. I'm pregnant, Ma. It's not like we're partying or going at it like rabbits.” I really don't feel comfortable, sitting here while Audra talks to her mom about sex. Audra takes a sip of water, clears her throat, and adds, “We need to get going. I'll call you later.”

She stands, and I follow suit all the way to the doctor's office. While we're waiting, she apologizes for her mother.

“It's okay. Are we changing our living arrangements? Where are you going to put the crib and all the baby stuff? Would you even want to live together? I guess it would be very helpful for those late night wake up calls.”

“Wouldn't you want to stay at your place so girls could come and go as you please?” She doesn't say it to offend me, which is a good change of pace. Audra absentmindedly rubs her belly.

“I'm sure if I wanted to sleep with someone, I'd go to her place now. I don't pay rent at my place and it's bigger, so...”

She laughs. “I doubt your friends would like not only a girl in the house, but a baby too. Can we talk about this later, Neil?”

“They could move out, Audra,” I tell her, refusing to stop talking about this. I'm here because I'm supposed to help her take care of our baby. How can I do that if she won't even talk about how we're going to do just that?

“You aren't kicking them out. We don't even have to live together! Stop trying to push me into something, Neil. Stop trying to control the situation. You aren't in control, I am. So just stop, okay? Fucking stop already.” She's talking too loud and is getting too aggravated.

“Okay, okay,” I soothe, wondering why she reacted so severely. I wasn't trying to be in control. All I wanted to do was start talking about this. Maybe she's in the middle of a mood swing or something. “I'm sorry,” I add in a soft tone for good measure, noting that she's still rubbing her stomach, looking highly uncomfortable. When she doesn't say anything, I repeat, “I'm sorry, Audra. I didn't mean to upset you.”

Her shoulders sag just a little. “It's fine.” Her words are slightly clipped, so I drop the topic altogether.

Thankfully, the doctor calls us back. I stay silent throughout her visit, not wanting to further upset her. When he does the ultrasound, I perk up a little. I definitely do not want to miss this. Once my baby girl is on the screen, Audra reaches for my hand and holds it. I don't think I'm breathing. How can I? It's breathtaking. I'm not even sure I pay attention after that. All I know is that as we leave, I have a picture of the sonogram in my hand. It feels like things are sealed now, more real, and as I gulp, I realize that I'm a little excited.

Terrified and worried, but most definitely eager to meet my baby girl. Even if Audra does seem distant as we part for the day.

I LOOK OVER my room, seeing what Maddie is seeing. My bed has been moved a little closer to the couch. Using my bedposts, the couch, and a lot of duct tape, I've formed a fort with blankets. It's too cold to actually camp outside, so this will have to work. I even have my iPod playing the sounds of crickets chirping and frogs croaking. The lights are off, but there are nightlights lit around the room to put off dim lighting. Plus, I found a bunch of Christmas lights and taped them to my ceiling.

“What's all this?” Maddie asks with confusion.

“We're celebrating my wins and your B. You said you wanted to campout and this is the best I could do without going outside.”

She doesn't turn around or say anything. Instead, she moves forward to crawl into the makeshift fort.

“Be careful,” I order.

There is a plate of hot and fresh s'mores in there on top of two sleeping bags. I follow in after her on my hands and knees, wishing my bedposts were taller. Maddie has already stuffed her mouth with a s'more. She grins when she sees me, chocolate all over her mouth.

“You are seriously the best, Winston.”

I smile and take a s'more too. “I may have a hidden motive.”

“Oh?” She raises an eyebrow as she wipes the corner of her mouth with her thumb before sucking off what it just wiped away.

Clearing my throat, I nod, deciding to go ahead and ask. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“A date? You're serious?” she questions skeptically.

“Thanks for your enthusiasm. Yes, I'm serious, Maddie!” Maybe this was a bad idea.

“What happened to your 'can't we be friends' and 'you're Dave's sister' crap?” She's surprised more than anything.

“Being friends with you is harder than I ever thought possible.”

A slow smile takes over her lips. “You still want to kiss me, don't you?”

She doesn't even know the half of it. Before I can answer, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to see a video call from Dave. He hasn't talked to me lately because we've both been busy. He just had to choose the night that I'm with Maddie to call?

“Don't make a sound,” I tell her, flashing my eyes up at her. Swiping my finger across the screen, Dave appears. “Hey, what's up?”

“Where the hell are you?”

“I'm kind of in the middle of something.”

“Something important?” he asks.

“Everything I do is important.”

He laughs and a glance at Maddie shows me she's pissed.

“I'm sure. But fine. Call me later. I need your advice on something.”

“Okay,” I say before ending the call. Maddie watches me without saying anything. “What?”

“No. You wanted to be friends, Winston. That's what we are. You couldn't even let him know that I'm here now and you think you'll have the balls to tell him if we start dating? My answer is no. I can't believe you.” She shakes her head and starts to climb back out, but I grab her hand.

“Maddie,” I start, but she interrupts me.

“No, Winston! No. I refuse to go back to hiding a relationship, and it's not like I haven't forgotten what happened either. You knew I hated him calling me that. You didn't stand up for me, not to him, not to that other jerk either. You told me to leave! We had sex the day before and then you told me to go home!

“You haven't asked how or why I lost that weight, Winston. Aren't you the least bit curious? Don't you want to know that after being humiliated by my brother, his friends, and you, that I decided I was sick of it? I couldn't tell anyone why I was upset. I couldn't tell anyone you hurt me or that we were over. I had to deal with that all by myself! And it's all your fault! So I started running and going to the gym to lose weight and to stop thinking about
you
!”

Her voice softens. “Are you seriously so terrified of telling him? Are you that much of a coward? You said you loved me, but you couldn't even fight for me, Winston. Why would I want to go through that all over again? Why would you want to put me through that? You just proved that nothing's changed, Winston.”

“Come here.” Placing the rest of my s'more back on the plate, I hold my hand out for her. She eyes my hand like it's a shark about to bite her before taking it. I pull her into my lap so she's straddling me. “I'm sorry, Maddie. I'm so sorry. I've hated myself for doing that to you and you're making things confusing now. I said friends, but we're slowly slipping back into what we were. I don't know what to do to make up for what happened because I can't change it. He's been my best friend since I was five, Maddie. It's like I was being made to choose between the two of you and-”

“And you chose him,” she interrupts, her eyes watery. “You loved me, but you chose him, Winston.” The tears spill over before she rests her forehead against my shoulder, crying freely now.

“I didn't want to,” I whisper. “I don't know why I did. And you know that I loved every inch of you. Dave was stupid. You didn't have to change because of him.” I turn my head, my nose hitting her hair as I inhale my new favorite smell. “I've missed you so much.”

“It feels nice to be missed. If only it mattered.”

I lean my head against the couch behind me. Either way, I won't win. Maddie shifts against me, and I know she's sitting up now.

“I sort of get it, Winston, I do, but then again, I don't. You don't want to lose Dave as a friend, but you're willing to lose the person you're supposedly in love with? That doesn't make sense to me.”

At this, I lift my head to look at her. “You don't think I love you?”

She shakes her head. “You may have, but it wasn't enough then. That's all I meant.” After a pause, she adds, “Why on earth should I give you a second chance?” She places her hands on either side of my neck and rests her forehead against mine. “I want to. God, I want to, but it feels like it would be stupid of me to trust you again. And I meant what I said. I won't hide us. We're either in this all the way or not at all, Winston.”