Bracing the Blue Line (8 page)

I'm going to fucking murder him. I'm not that guy to them, and he has showed them who I am when I'm not here on Sunday. He had no business telling them about Audra, and he's going to pay for it when we leave.

I see Mr. Lanier shake his head from the corner of my eye, but I'm looking at Mrs. Lanier. I don't want to break her heart again. There's a sad expression on her face. Bo put that there, the bastard. She reaches across the table with her palm up. Reluctantly, I put mine in hers.

“I know you're only twenty-two, but you are too old to behave like that. You need to find her and have a conversation with her, no matter how much you don't want to. You need to do the right thing, Neil. We know first hand that you're capable of that.”

My heart shreds at her words. My throat feels like it's closing, and I hate it. This is exactly why I didn't want them to know. Slowly, I nod my head.

“You're smart, Neil,” Mr. Lanier starts. “And you're a good man. Don't forget that. Remember, we're here for you too. My wife is right. You need to do the right thing. I'm sure I can talk to my brother-in-law and get you a job. It won't be great, but then you'll have some of your own money coming in.”

All I can do is nod. They ask me to keep them updated, to call if I need anything, and then I tell them that we need to go. They seem to hug me extra tight before we leave. Alice wants me to stay longer and play with her, but I tell her I'll play twice as long next time. The rage is boiling my blood and if Bo gets close enough, I'm going to knock the motherfucker out. We're not a mile from their house when he speaks.

“I'm sorry, but I knew you would listen to them. You respect them too much not to.”

“You had no fucking right, Bo! It wasn't your place, and they didn't need to hear that shit,” I yell, my voice entirely too loud for the enclosed space of my car. “No. Fucking. Right!” My knuckles are white as I clench the steering wheel, fighting for control over my emotions. I feel like he just betrayed me to my parents, except Mr. and Mrs. Lanier aren't my parents. He did betray me though.

“Someone had to get through to you,” he starts.

“Not them! They are the last people on this God damn earth who you should have told that I knocked a girl up! You should know better, Bo. You had no fucking right to bring that up to them. None. And you didn't just say she was pregnant, you had to add that she was a one night stand, and I threw her out the moment she came to me. And in front of Alice? God, you're a fucking bastard.”

“Neil,” he tries.

“No. You stay the hell away from me.” I throw my car into park and get out, storming into the house. Every door I reach gets slammed shut. The front door, the cabinet door, my bedroom door, if it's a door, I force it closed as hard as possible. Let the damn things break, I don't care. I go to my room, blast some music, and lay on my bed.

What am I going to do now?

Every drop of blood in me is telling me to
not
do the right thing. It isn't worth the risk, and I don't want that life. Yet, on the other side of the argument is Mr. and Mrs. Lanier and Alice. How am I going to face them every week if I don't go hunt down Audra and be there like I'm supposed to be? I can't do that. It would be worse to do nothing and face them than stepping up to take care of my responsibility. Either option sucks.

How am I even supposed to make it work? My future only goes as far as tomorrow with the exception of possibly getting signed this year. God, do I even want to try to figure this out? Because if I do, then I'm going to have to find Audra. If I find her, then I'm going to have to face the reality. I sigh, burying my face into my pillow.

This is all Bo's fault. If he hadn't said anything to them, then I could have gone at least another month without worrying about a guilty conscience. I'll give him a couple more days of grief before I let him know what I've decided. I just hope I'm ready for my world to turn completely upside down.

For now, I'm not thinking any more about it. There's homework I need to do because if I expect to keep my scholarship, I need to keep my grades up. I can't focus, though, so it takes three times as long to complete than normal, which makes sure that I stay in my foul mood. When I do leave my room, I slam the doors and see that Grant is back.

“Stop with the slamming,” Bo calls from the living room.

“Fuck off, Bo,” I snap.

Grant seems confused, but he's smart and doesn't say anything. I grab something to drink from the fridge and stalk back to my room. With my laptop in front of me, I try searching Facebook for Audra, but I don't come up with any results. Either she doesn't have one, or she has it so people can't find her. It's a problem for me because I'm not sure how to get up with her now.

I think I've had enough of being awake for one day.

I STAY IN a bad mood with Bo for another day before I decide he's had enough. I'm out of ideas on how to find Audra, so it's making me antsy. How can I do what's right if I can't find her? Bo is lying on the couch, watching an NHL game on TV when I go into the living room and begin to pace.

“If I ask what's wrong, are you going to bite my head off?” he asks.

“No, but if you ever do something like that again with the Lanier's, I'll kill you.” Bo nods. “I've tried searching for Audra online, but nothing shows up. Any ideas on how to get up with her?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

I stop pacing and sit in the recliner. “Well?”

Bo leaves before returning and handing me a slip of paper with a phone number on it. “There's her number.”

“Why do you have this? How do you have it?” I ask, staring at it. The nerves have taken over, but I'm trying not to freak out again. Calling her will have me cornered and will start a new journey in life, one that I already don't want to be on. Not to mention everything that could go wrong.

“When I went outside after her, I told her not to make any decisions for a week or so and that you would come around. I asked for her number, so I would have it when you were ready. You're welcome.”

I sit in silence for a few moments. The rat bastard has had her number all this time? He knew that I would change my mind? That partly pisses me off, but I'm relieved too. Bo doesn't deserve an answer, so I go back to my room to call Audra, wearing the carpet down while I wait for her to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Audra? It's Neil.”

She sighs. “What do you want?” Well, that wasn't what I was expecting.

“Could we meet and talk? Please?” Audra doesn't say anything for the longest time, but I know she's there because I can hear movement in the background. “Please, Audra,” I beg.

“Okay. I get off work in two hours, and I'll have a little time before my class tonight. You can buy me dinner. Do you know where that little pizza place is near Ladybug Road?”

“Yeah, I do. I'll see you there in two and a half hours?”

“Right. My break's over. Bye, Neil.”

She hangs up without waiting for a response. Audra is working and going to school? That must tire her out, especially now that she's pregnant. With time to spare, I call Mr. Lanier, knowing that I'm going to need an income as well.

“I'm glad to hear about this, Neil. You're making the best decision. I'll talk to him and he'll call you. Now, it's most likely going to be a graveyard shift, but it's better than nothing. You'll still be able to play and go to school too.”

“Thank you, sir. I'm grateful for any opportunity,” I tell him truthfully. The graveyard shift will mean I'm going to be tired as fuck all the time, but I'm sure I can make it work. He tells me more about the job, which is a janitorial position, cleaning the building spotless at night in preparation for the following workday.

Before he gets off the phone, he says, “Don't forget that we're here for you. Call us if you need anything. Have you spoken to your parents yet?”

“No, sir. I will soon enough. I'm actually about to go meet with Audra now and talk to her.”

“Good. We'll see you Sunday then.”

I hang up and then I'm on my way to meet Audra. I can already tell how the next few months are going to go. My stomach is in knots, so I'm going to be nothing but pure, wild nerves on the edge. Part of it is because I have no control over this situation, Audra, or this baby, and I damn well know it. Audra has the upper hand, so to speak. I can't make her do anything or not do something. I kind of feel like I'm in a war with nature, helpless to make much of a difference.

When I walk into the delicious aroma-filled restaurant, my eyes immediately land on Audra. She's looking down at the table, ripping up a napkin.

“Can I help you?” a middle-aged woman who looks eerily similar to Audra asks.

“I'm here to meet someone,” I answer, pointing over to Audra.

The woman's lips set in a firm, unhappy line. She nods and steps aside so I can go over to her. Audra finally looks up as I pull my chair back. She doesn't smile either.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey, Neil. I already ordered my favorite, but I didn't know what you wanted to drink.”

A waitress promptly comes over to take my drink order. Once she leaves, I start apologizing and explaining.

“I'm sorry about last week. If you'll let me, I'd really like to go through this with you as much as I possibly can. Maybe we should try to get to know each other a little better. Do you know much about me? I don't know if you've heard things around campus or not.”

Audra narrows her eyes at me. She has indeed heard things. “You mean the fact that you'll sleep with anything with a pulse, so you're basically a man-whore? The kind of guy I don't want anywhere near my baby because she deserves better than that for a father.”

She
.

All I can do is stare at her because she said 'she'. My heart feels still as it soaks in that we're having a baby girl. There's a bite of pain, a feeling that this isn't right because I don't love Audra, and the awful, bad taste of memories screaming, 'what could have been.' But I ignore all that with a clearing of my throat. “It's a girl?” I say quietly, needing her to confirm.

Her eyes widen slightly, and I'm guessing it was a slip of the tongue. She barely nods. “I found out this morning.”

I lean back in my seat as the waitress walks over and sets the pizza down on the table. For a few seconds, I watch Audra. Today, she's in all black from work at a retail store, but her clothes fit her better than when she came to see me. Audra is very pretty, obviously. If I didn't find her attractive, I wouldn't have slept with her in the first place. Suddenly, I'm trying to picture my baby girl with her features. The words of adoption that I spoke about before pass through my mind, and I sit up. If I'm going to do this, I need to do it right, all the way.

“You haven't made any decisions since the last time I saw you, have you?” I ask as she takes a bite of the pizza. I wish I had timed my question better because I have to wait for her to finish now.

“Actually, I have,” she answers seconds later. I hold my breath while she takes a swallow of water, wondering if she's already decided on adoption. “But you don't get to know,” Audra sighs like I'm personally exhausting her.

“What are you talking about?” I breathe just enough to ask those five words.

“You made your choice, Neil. Honestly, I think the only reason you're here is because of a guilty conscience. After a few weeks, you'll probably change your mind again, and I don't have the energy to deal with that. Being pregnant is enough without having to deal with you too.”

My mouth hangs open. “You can't be serious, Audra. I freaked out because you showed up at my house and lifted your shirt. That was all panic, and you are going to make me stick with my stupid choice?”

“Is everything okay?” The woman who I saw when I first walked in has come to our table, but her question is for Audra.

“Yes, Ma, we're fine.” Ma? The lady nods, sends me a glare, and then leaves. “Sorry, this is my parents' restaurant, and she's been watching us like a hawk ever since you sat down.” Audra takes a deep breath. “Why should I believe that you're sincere, Neil? You have until I finish this slice because I have to get to class.”

So while she eats, I make my case. I know I could say one thing to make her believe me, but I'm not going to do that. I don't know her that well yet. Besides, it might piss her off more than anything.

“For one, I think I deserve a chance because you're deciding this based on something I said while I was trying to fully understand what you told me. I've had to do some serious thinking and what happened that day wasn't the right thing. All I want is to be there for my daughter and you while you're carrying her. You shouldn't try to deny that to me anymore than you already have,” I finish in a low, well-controlled voice. I'm hoping that last sentence will be the push she needs. She waited all this time to come tell me. I've missed all these doctor's appointments so maybe that will get through to her.

Audra is quiet for a moment before she gasps softly, quickly looking down at her belly.

“What is it? Are you okay?” I rush with panic.

She nods, placing a hand on her lower right side. “Yeah, she kicked and caught me by surprise, that's all,” she murmurs.

“Can I feel?”

Audra's head snaps up at my question. She's looking at me like I grew two more heads, but she subtly nods. I scoot my chair closer to her and reach my hand out. Audra takes my hand and places it where hers was. At first, I don't feel anything. She moves my hand a little, my eyes trained on it as if I could feel on sight alone. It's barely there, but I finally feel the smallest of movements.

I look to Audra. “That was it, wasn't it?”

“Yeah, that was it,” she whispers. She seems as mesmerized as I am. For a moment, I don't ever want to move my hand because I want to feel it again and again, but I have to pull it away. “You're right, Neil, about what you said. I knew you were, but I was still pissed. I know that I'm capable of taking care of her, which is why I decided to keep her. Not to mention that if I didn't want to be faced with such a decision, then I should have been more careful.”

Air leaves my body in relief. I was worried that I had missed my chance. That partly surprises me.