Bracing the Blue Line (4 page)

Pain.

“What's going on, Neil?” Bo asks cautiously.

“He's freaking out because I showed him I'm pregnant.”

“Don't say it!” God, her saying it out loud just makes it worse.

“Whether I say it or not, the fact is still the same,” she says evenly. Audra must be getting warm because she takes off her hoodie, leaving her in a white t-shirt.

Bo stares at her stomach. No, this can't be right.

“How far along are you?” I ask. There has to be a mistake. I'm not the father, surely.

“Five months.”

Shit. No, no, no. I can't be a dad. That's absurd. I don't need this. I can't have this happening. This is too much to handle, and I find myself blowing up at her with panic and unwanted memories surging forward. “How do you even know it's mine? I don't know you, and if you've slept with me, then you could be a fucking whore for all I know!”

“Neil,” Bo warns. That's why he's here because I'm freaking the fuck out.

Suddenly, Audra starts crying, burying her face in her hands. Shit. If there are two people I can't stand to see cry, it's old women and pregnant women. I look to Bo with a pained expression. He needs to help me. Bo shakes his head, and then nods towards Audra. He wants me to comfort her? Damn it!

I sit down on the couch next to her and pat her back. I feel like Sheldon from
The Big Bang Theory
when he says, “There, there.” After a deep breath, I do my best to make her stop crying.

“Look, I'm sorry, Audra. Even though what I said is reasonable, I probably shouldn't have said it like that.”

Bo glares at me, but Audra makes a mangled laugh sound. See? She appreciated my attempt.

“Sorry, I've been a bit of an emotional mess.” Audra wipes away her tears. “If you want a paternity test, that's no problem. It is completely reasonable because I know how it might look, but it's yours. I wasn't sleeping with anyone, um, like six months before and then after,” she pauses with a glance at me, “I was ashamed when I slept with you, so I took a break from sex. Then I found out I was pregnant.”

“Ashamed? What? I'm a fucking great lay!”

Bo cuts his eyes over at me. Right. Not what we should be discussing. “Why did you wait so long to come tell Neil?” Bo asks.

Audra glances at me and thanks to her watery eyes, mine are drawn to them as I notice that they are dark brown. “Because it took me this long to get the courage to come find him.”

For a moment, a sliver of a second, I feel for this girl. It has to be scary as fuck to be where she is, and I don't even know her. But I don't have to know her to know what she's feeling unfortunately.

“Have you thought about what you're going to do? Like are you keeping it or putting it up for adoption?” Her eyes widen and her mouth parts. However, I think it's more because I've asked than the question itself.

“I've thought about adoption, but I haven't made any decisions.” Her hands move to her belly protectively.

“I think you should put the baby up for adoption,” I spout quickly.

“Neil!” Bo says exasperated.

“What? You seriously want me to want that for myself? To put myself through that? No way in hell!”

He opens his mouth, but Audra distracts him with her nonchalant, “Okay.” She grabs her hoodie and stands, stepping in front of me to head to the door.

“Okay?” What does she mean by that?

Audra turns around to face me. “That's why I came here, Neil.”

“For me to tell you what to do?”

“No, the only reason I'm here is because I thought you deserved the chance to make a choice. You've made it.” With that, she turns and walks out the door.

That's it? It was that easy? When I look at Bo, he's pissed. What for? Problem solved. I'm out of the equation. He gets up and bolts out the door. Where the fuck is he going? I take a deep breath of relief at the bullet I dodged. That could have ruined my life in so many ways, but now, it's all over and done with. I don't have to worry about it anymore.

“What the fuck was that?” Bo asks angrily as he walks back into the room. “Neil, that could very well be your kid she's carrying and the best you could do was freak out and tell her to put it up for adoption? You have a responsibility!”

His words stir me to stand up and begin to pace again. “She said she was considering it anyway, Bo. I don't need that responsibility. I have enough as it is.”

“Then you should have kept your dick in your pants!” he explodes.

I ignore that. “What did you do when you went outside?” I ask.

“I apologized for your dumb ass.” His voice turns eerily calm as he continues. “You can't do this, Neil. You know better from the first time.”

“Don't even go there, Bo! I will beat the shit out of you without a second thought.” He will
not
bring that up. Not now and especially not when that girl doesn't mean anything to me. There is no comparison.

“Then do it,” he challenges. “You know, I'm glad you knocked her up because I'm sick of you fucking everything with tits, which has only put you back in the very situation you were-”

“Stop!” I yell. My pulse can be felt everywhere, throbbing in my fingertips, my neck, and my forehead. My hands are clenched in fists by my side. Bo is walking in dangerous territory, and he damn well knows it. “I'm warning you. Open your mouth one more time, and I'll rip you to pieces.”

He stares at me, waiting for me to break, and it makes me want to punch him that much more. I've never wanted to hit him as badly as I do right now. He's my best friend, but at this very second, I don't give a flying fuck. I turn and walk out the front door, slamming it hard enough that the windows rattle. Then I get in my car, and I leave.

Fuck him.

I drive around aimlessly, eyeing the gas needle before finally deciding to stop and fill up. I can't believe Bo would bring that up. It's not something we talk about and the only time we acknowledge it is on Sundays.

“Fuck,” I mutter, kicking my tire halfheartedly. This isn't what I want to think about. Not at all. Thinking about it means bringing back memories I don't want to have and an awful pain reminding me that it was all real. Regardless of what Bo says, I like my life the way it is. If I want to sleep with three different girls in one weekend, then that's my decision. If I want to party and have fun, then so be it. If I want to put myself first and foremost to keep history from repeating itself, then who is he to tell me I can't?

History has already started to repeat itself though. I've made the choice. I'm not going to change my mind either. I do not need nor want a kid or a baby momma. Sighing, I eventually go back to the house to grab my things for practice. We've got a game tonight, and I need to focus on that and nothing else. Being the captain of the Salem University hockey team requires me to be at my best because when I'm off my game, it travels to my teammates.

But being on the ice doesn't bring me comfort today. Not in the least. I'm making snide comments to everyone, almost hoping to piss them off too. I'm being selfish and a terrible leader, but all I can think about is the way Audra looked when she said she had to gather the courage to come find me. Winston was smiling earlier in the locker room, and it's pissed me off. If I'm not happy, then neither will he.

“WINSTON!” NEIL YELLS. “Get your head out of your ass and focus!”

That's the third time he's yelled at me in less than ten minutes. Coach keeps making us run the same drill over and over and apparently, Neil thinks I'm the reason why. Regardless that it's not all me, I nod and grunt as we resume our pre-game practice, knowing I don't need to say anything back to him. Something has put him a sour mood, and I'm his target. Neil seems to be one of those happy go-lucky guys, so if he's pissy, there's usually a good reason for it. Letting him harp on me to get it out of his system is fine.

Once again, he crawls down my throat for no good reason. My jaw tenses as I debate saying something. Neil's face is protruded in anger with him standing right in front of me. It almost seems like he wants me to start something with him. He's that angry. There's no way in hell that I'm about to hit him or make things escalate.

“Calm the fuck down, Neil. I don't know who pissed you off, but you need to chill.”

His shoulders relax slightly, and Coach Nixon skates over to us.

“We're done, boys. Go relax before the game,” he orders, looking at Neil.

He glances at him. “Yes, sir,” he says before skating off the ice.

“Do you know what's bothering him?” Coach asks.

“No, but you know Neil. It won't be long before he fixes whatever it is,” I answer. That's the truth too. Neil doesn't let anything keep him down for long. We have about an hour before we have to be back to the rink, and I'm starving. Back in the locker room, I question, “Anybody up for some food?”

Bo, Vincent, and Grant opt in while Neil shakes his head. Bo says something quietly to him, but he shrugs him off. I just hope he snaps out of it before the game. If he isn't focused on playing his best and has his mind elsewhere, it's going to affect the rest of us. Not that it's happened often, but when it does, we all falter. That's like our Achilles heel.

Once we change, we get into Grant's truck, and he drives us to a restaurant where we can get something light and healthy to eat. As soon as we take a seat with our food, Grant nudges my elbow with his.

“I saw that Maddie spent the night.”

“Oh? The short chick from last night? I saw her walking across campus this morning,” Vincent adds.

I eye him for a moment as I take a swallow of water. “Does that mean your waitress girl didn't leave with you last night?” No way he would have been out and about this morning if she stayed over.

Vincent narrows his eyes at me. “Her name is Mary and no, she didn't. I don't know what the hell her problem is.”

“It's probably you,” Bo laughs.

Vincent throws his napkin at him. “And when was the last time you got laid?”

Before he can answer, Grant says, “I thought she was dating that guy.” He raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to say something.

“They broke up, and I slept on my couch. That's all.” I look at Bo. “What's going on with Neil?”

He shakes his head. “He'll be ready come game time,” he answers, effectively ending that conversation before it starts. We begin discussing the upcoming game as we eat and then we're heading back to the rink.

THE ENTIRE TIME I was standing across from Winston, my anger kept rising. It was irrational, but the rage was real. I kept thinking I shouldn't be in this situation with Audra. Then all the times I've fucked a girl without a condom started filtering through my mind. I silently pled that he would punch me. Just once, so I could hit back and let out all my anger. I desperately wanted to start something. Between Audra and Bo, I wanted to beat the shit out of someone.

When Coach walked over, I couldn't believe what I wanted to happen. I wanted to fight my
teammate
because I'm pissed at myself. We're playing a damn good team tonight and starting shit with my guys will ensure we'll lose. Bo's quiet conversation with me before they left to go eat replays in my mind. There was no way in hell I was going to be around them, so I declined. I need time to cool down before the game.

“Forget about this shit for a while, so we will actually have a chance tonight, Neil. Although, you're going to have to face it soon,” Bo mumbled under his breath before he left.

He wants me to forget it and come back in a good mood? Fine. I will do what he wants, and really, it's what I want, because I don't want to jeopardize our chances to win. Gladly, I can do exactly as he wishes.

But I need to get laid for that to happen.

I scroll through my contacts as I walk out of the building and towards the parking lot. On a few girls, I pull up their contact to get a better look at their saved picture. Sex with me has no bounds, so there is a diversity of girls to choose from in my phone. I decide to call Ginger, a thin, limber white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.

It rings five times before she answers. “Neil?” She sounds hopeful, but surprised that I'm calling her.