Brain Rules for Baby (36 page)

Rules delivered with certain characteristics have the best shot at instilling moral awareness in children. You can remember them with “CAP.”

“C” stands for Clarity
. The rules are clear, reasonable and unambiguous. It often helps to write them down. Chore charts are good examples. Many families simply shout out a rule as a reaction to a frustrating experience: “From now on, you are going to bed by 8!” But what happens to the rule when the emotions die out?

Write down important rules, and post them in a public place for the whole family to see. They can serve as a point of negotiation and a source of humor—as anyone who has read the
Harry Potter
series and the edicts of Dolores Umbridge can attest.

“A” stands for Accepting.
The rules are delivered in a consistently warm and accepting environment.

“P” stands for Praise.
Every time a child follows a rule, reinforce the behavior. This includes praising the absence of a behavior, such as when a child learns not to yell in a restaurant.

Explain verbally to your children the reasons for your rules. This allows kids to generalize the lessons learned to other situations, which leads to moral internalization. If all they have is “Because I said so,” only a primitive form of behavior modification takes place.

“F” stands for firm.
The punishment must mean something. It has to be firm and aversive to be effective.

“I” stands for immediate.
The closer the punishment is delivered at the point of infraction, the more effective it is.

“R” stands for reliable.
The punishment must be consistently applied whenever the noxious behavior is displayed. Inconsistently applied rules are confusing and lead to uneven moral development.

“S” stands for safe.
The rules must be supplied in an atmosphere of emotional safety. Children have a hard time internalizing moral behavior under conditions of constant threat.

“T” stands for tolerant.
Actually, it is a call for patience, something we addressed only obliquely. Children rarely internalize rules on the first try and sometimes not on the 10th.

Most parents keep a running documentary about the early lives of their children. Indeed, the generation coming will be the most filmed in history. What if you tape yourself parenting your little one? Especially for the tough spots. You could alternate with your spouse on taping duties and try to analyze what you’re doing right and wrong. It may give you a clearer idea of your effectiveness as parents.

Parenting is
so
on the right side of worth it!

Extensive, notated references and illustrations are online at
www.brainrules.net

The birth of this book was assisted by many doulas, and I am deeply indebted to all of them. I am grateful for the sunny optimism and tireless work of my publisher, Mark Pearson. And for the instructive, incisive, caring comments of my editor, Tracy Cutchlow. I still owe you a beer.

I am also indebted to Jessica Sommerville, for supplying the essential oxygen of peer review. And to Carolyn Webster-Stratton, for kind words and encouragement. To Dan Leach, for his curiosity, enthusiasm, and countless inspiring conversations. To Bruce Hosford, for deep friendship. hard work, endless support. To Earl Palmer, for inspiration, and to John Ratey, for the same. To Rick Stevenson, for visual possibilities and love of narrative. To Alice and Chris Canlis, for creating one of the closest-knit families I know—truly a role model for the world to follow. And to Alden Jones, without whose neverending concern and unceasing devotion to detail this book and its many moving parts would not be possible.

Lastly, I am indebted to my family. To our two dear children, Josh and Noah, for showing me that true love can exist between fathers and sons, even when you were smaller than the period at the end of this sentence. And to my wife Kari, simply the most amazing person I have ever met.

Abstract thinking

Adrenaline

Aerobic exercise in pregnancy

Affect detection, in empathy

Age

chronological

mental

television watching and

Alcohol, brain development and

Alley, Kirstie

Alloparenting

Altruism

happiness and

morality and

Alzheimer’s, ginkgo biloba in

American Association of Pediatrics, on television watching

Amniotic sac

Amygdala

Andreasen, Nancy

Anencephaly

Anger

continual, as toxic stress

Anorexia nervosa

Anxiousness in baby

Application, punishment by

Aristotle

Association cortices

Associative data

Attachment

Harlow’s experiments on

time as factor in

Attention-deficit disorders, risk for

Attention span, television and

Attentive parenting

Auditory perception, origin of

Authoritarian parenting style

Authoritative parenting style

Authority, respect for

Autism

Autobiographical memory

Avoidance behaviors, fetus’s display of

Awareness

increasing your

Babies

anxiousness in

bonding in providing safety for

bringing home

cognitive abilities of

competition concerning

crying of

disruption of normal

exploratory behavior of

exposure to new things

food preferences of

fussiness in

happiness of

having first

hypnotic effect of, on fathers

imitation by

impact of new, on marriage

limbic system in

memory of

moral sensibilities in, at birth

need for face time

need of, to relate to others

prewriting of, for learning

prior to birth (
See
Fetus)

sensitivities in

sleep schedule in

social contract with parents

stress-response system in

talking to

teaching impulse control to

temperament in

tracking of language in

Baby Blues
(comic strip)

Baby Einstein DVDs

Baby Prodigy

Background components of human behavior

Bakermans-Kranenburg, Marian

Balanced emotional surveillance

Balance development in fetus

Baldwin, James

Bandura, Albert

Bargh, John

Baumrind, Diana

Behavior

avoidance

background components of

as choice

complications in

decision-making and

exploratory

foreground components of

praising in absence of bad

Presbyterian

taking critical look at your

visible

Binet, Alfred

Bipolar depression, risk for

Birth defects

causes of

DNA and

folic acid and

Birth weight

brain volume and

IQ and

Blended families

Blogging

Bloom, Paul

Bobo the clown, observational learning with

Body language, interaction of, with speech

Body maps, development of, in baby’s brain

Body Mass Index (BMI)

Bonding in providing safety

Bone mineralization, stress hormones and

Boundary formation in empathy

Bradlee, Ben

Brain

desire for safety

developmental timetable for

differences in

early developmental immaturity of

emotions and

fixation on safety

gray matter in

learning and

response to external environment

role of, in bridging facts and emotions

sensory system of

survival as priority of

white matter in

Brain boosters

advertising of ginkgo biloba as

breast-feeding as

talking to baby as

Brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF)

Brain development

alcohol and

answering questions about

in children

claims of, in womb

creativity in boosting

drugs and

emotional health in

exercise and

exposure to hostility and

in fetus

folic acid in aiding

impact of TV on

male versus female

neurons in

nicotine and

overstimulation and

parenting and

Paré on

pregnancy weight gain and

scientific answers to

stress and

Brain science, capabilities of

Brain size

brain power and

IQ scores and

Brain volume, birth weight and

Breast-feeding as brain booster

Breast milk, omega-3s in

Bullying, television and

Bundy, Ted

Burns, Robert

Buscaglia, Leo

Calories in diet while pregnant

Career, guiding children toward income

Cathepsin D, link to intelligence

The Cat in the Hat,
reading to fetus

Causal data

Ceausescu, Nicolae

Cell phones, texting on

Childhood as vulnerable time

Childhood obesity, problem of

Child rearing

gay parents in

grandparents in

length of time in

need for team work in

role of nature in

in two-parent household

Children

boosting confidence of

brain development in

career guidance for

controlling digital activities of

developing empathy reflex with

development of moral reasoning in

differences in

in doing right thing

effect of divorce on

emotional regulation in

encouragement of

feelings in

fighting in front of

in finding happiness

getting to know individually

goal in raising happy

helping make friends

imitation by

influences on

instilling moral awareness in

lying by

monitoring emotions of

opinions of parenting styles

praising efforts of

problem-solving skills in

reconciling in front of

resilience in

rules and discipline in raising moral

source of happiness in

television watching by

use of language

Choices, willingness to make right

Chomsky, Noam

Chronicles of Narnia
series

Chronological age

Clinical depression

linking stress with

parenting and

social isolation as cause of

Cognition, learning sign language in boosting

Cognitive abilities of babies

Cognitive development, phrases of

Cold, distinguishing hot from

Cold decision-making

College-degree parents

Comfortable with emotions

Common fate, principle of

Communication

nonverbal

verbal

COMT (catechol-O-methyl transferse), link to short-term memory

Conference, learning

Confidence, boosting

Conscience

Consequences, considering

Control, loss of, as toxic

Cooperative social groups, survival and formation of

Cortex

Cortisol

Cowan, Carolyn

Cowan, Philip

Cravings

Creativity

cognitive gadgets in

impact on brain development

intelligence and

in play

predicting

risk-taking and

Crisis as teachable moment

Cross-modal transfer

Crying

by baby

reasons for

Crystallized intelligence

Curiosity, pressure in extinguishing

Damasio, Antonio

Darwin, Charles

Data

associative versus causal

source of

Davis, Miles

Decision-making

emotions and

moral

Deferred imitation

Demandingness

Depression

learned helplessness and

marital conflict and

in new parents

risk for

Developmental psychology

Diamond, Adele

Diet

calories in, while pregnant

fruits and vegetables in

paleo

Digital age

Digital experiences, dividing, into categories

Digital games

Direct instruction

Disappointment, continual, as toxic stress