Brawler (12 page)

Things were changing.
We
were changing and I had been ignoring it. I had been trying to pretend that everything was the same as it always had been, but the honest truth was that Jenna and I weren’t what we used to be. We were still friends, she was still one of the only people on this earth that I loved with everything I had, but we had been drifting apart for the last year. With Laney and I dating, me leaving for college, and her world shifting gears into high school with new faces and new experiences, we couldn’t be as close as we used to be. I hadn’t even known she knew Devon – that’s how out of tune I was with her life. And standing there in her room, I saw what else I’d been missing. What I’d been ignoring.

She was growing up. She was a woman, not a child. Not a thirteen year old kid full of piss and moxy the way I always pictured her. She was taller, her body was fuller, her face was thinner, and there was an incredible grace to the way she moved that hadn’t been there in her awkward early teen years. She was growing into herself, getting comfortable, and today was just another example of that. It was something I had to get used to.

I took a step farther into the room, bracing myself. I wasn’t good at talking about things, definitely not anything that mattered. Usually the sight of a crying girl sent me into my hiding place until things blew over, but I didn’t want to do that with her. I honestly tried the best I could to never run from Jenna. I wanted to be able to give to her what she gave to me – honesty.

Even if it killed me.

“Can I tell you why I did it?” I asked, my voice low.

“Sure.”

“I lost it on him because I keep thinking you’re thirteen. Because I look at you and I see you growing up right in front of me and I know it’s happening, but I keep telling myself you’re a kid.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re so damn beautiful,” I told her frankly. “You’re getting more beautiful by the day and there will be more guys like Devon, lots of them, so I have to get it through my head that that’s okay. That a guy can touch you and I don’t have the right to break his face over it anymore.”

She chuckled, her eyes drying by degrees. “When did you ever have that right?”

I smiled. “I gave it to myself the day I met you. When I realized you were too much piss for the boys your age.”

“I’m older now.”

“They’re still not ready for you.”

“I think it’s more like they aren’t ready for you.”

“That’s why I’m going to back my nosey ass out of your life and let you be.”

Her eyes went wide with worry. “Don’t you dare,” she commanded me. “Don’t ever do that, Kellen. Promise me.”

“Jenna, I—“

I nearly took a step back when she leapt up and knelt at the edge of her bed. She was so close. Too close. Her body was only an inch or two from mine, her head tilted back, her chest rising and falling heavily with anxious breaths that burst against my skin and sent chills down my spine. I’d seen her at least once a week for the last two years but lately I hadn’t really
seen
her. Now she was so close, she was all I could see. Her dark, shining hair fell carelessly around her oval face, landing sleek and soft on her shoulders. Over her breasts. It contrasted against her light skin that was perfectly clear. Fresh and free of makeup. No pretense. No pretending. No lies. Just Jenna.

“Please, Kellen,” she begged me softly. “You’re my best friend. You’re almost my only friend. Please promise me.”

I had a semi. A goddam half-hard on from the sight of her. Everything about her hit me like a truck and sent my world reeling, making me sick, dizzy, and nauseous. I knew I’d never be able to look at her the same. She’d changed in an instant when we’d slipped into some alternate universe where she was a woman and I was a man and wanting to touch her skin didn’t make me a pervert. It made sense.

I took two deep breaths. I wanted to go under, to hide, but she held me prisoner with the color of her eyes and the weight of her breath.

“Promise you what?” I whispered jaggedly.

She licked her lips unconsciously. “Promise me you’ll never quit on me.”

I closed my eyes against everything. My body responded to her voice, her words, her face. I ached to touch her but I’d hate myself if I did.

I also couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t say no.

I opened my eyes. I nodded. “I promise.”

Laney and I broke up again after that day at the house and the mess with Devon and Jenna.

Number eight, and counting.

I focused on school and prepping for finals. I didn’t date anyone. I didn’t even fool around. Thanks to Laney I was too drained to give even the faintest of fucks to any girl. Every time I thought about hooking up with someone, my stomach turned to acid that rose in the back of my throat and burned like fire.

I figured I was better off being alone for a while, because if you can’t stand to be by yourself, you have no business being with anyone else.

Turns out I loved it. I lapped it up like a thirsty dog crossing the desert.

I spent more time at the gym, which felt really good. I hadn’t been going as often as I used to because any time that wasn’t devoted to school was spent driving down to see Laney, talking to her on the phone, or taking her out when she came up to visit me. Free time for me didn’t exist unless we were broken up.

The gym I went to near campus wasn’t exactly like Tim’s. It was brightly lit, the equipment was newer, but the feel was right. It was privately owned and even though I didn’t take on a new coach, I was surrounded by other guys serious about the sport. No one wandering around looking to socialize or impress anybody. Everyone kept their head down and minded their own business. It was my kind of place.

I walked into the building with my phone on my ear and Callum talking it off, wishing I could just hang up and get down to business. Or leave him on the line and put him in my locker to talk to himself.

“You gotta come down, man,” he insisted for the tenth time.

“I can’t. Listen, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Laney; I have to study. It’s important to finishing my core courses early and getting into Law School.”

“Tell me again why you want to be lawyer?” he asked disdainfully.

“Seriously? Because I can help people the way Dan helped me.”

“Yeah, that sounds right. Lawyers are known for being kind people. Spot on. Why else?”

“Because Dan is a lawyer and he loves it. Your dad is a lawyer and he loves it.”

“My dad hates it.”

I stumbled over the rug leading into the locker room. “What? No, he doesn’t.”

“Yes, he does,” Callum answered seriously. “He hates it. He was helping me look through majors so I could decide what I want to do and he lost his shit. Midlife crisis kicked him right in the balls. He decided he doesn’t want to be a lawyer anymore.”

“What is he going to do instead?”

“Raise a heard of My Little Ponies in the backyard? I don’t know. Neither does he. My mom is going crazy. She’s scared he’ll want to be a drummer in a garage band or something else that makes negative money. They might get a divorce.”

“Shit, Cal, I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“Yeah, it’s ugly right now. I need some fun to take my mind off it which is why I need you to go to this party with me.”

“Nice try,” I commended him. “I’ll come down and do just about anything else in the world with you for one night this weekend, but I’m not going to any high school parties. We graduated years ago. It’s sad.”

“It’s not sad, dumbass, it’s brilliant. Think of all the drunk, excited ass to grab.”

“One man’s brilliant is another man’s pathetic.”

“Are you calling me pathetic?”

“Are you going to that party?”

He paused and I worried for one microsecond that I’d hurt his feelings. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I never had, and I should have been more careful with the ones that were still with me. It wasn’t until Laney and I broke up this time around that I realized that all of ‘our’ friends were really ‘her’ friends. I hadn’t bothered making many of my own up here at Cal and with Callum down at USC and Jenna still going to school in Orange County, I was pretty isolated.

“Is this about me being an idiot,” Callum asked seriously, “or about Laney being at the party with some other guy?”

I laughed. “It’s not about Laney, I promise. She can date whoever she wants. We’re on a break.”

“Broken up or on a break?”

“I don’t think I know the difference,” I admitted grudgingly.

“You’ll be back together next month when she turns eighteen.”

“I wouldn’t bet against you.”

“Do you want her back?”

“Not right now.”

“Wow,” he deadpanned. “That’s a touching response. Very moving.”

I laughed, unzipping my bag and smiling down at my gear. “Go talk to Zack Effron if you want emotional. I’m not that guy.”

“No, you’re the guy who dates a girl for years because the sex is good.”

“No. I stick around because the sex is
great
,” I joked.

Truth was, that wasn’t all that kept me coming back to Laney. The real reason was that she was solid. I knew what I was going to get with her, even if what I got pissed me off most of the time. And, yeah, if I really dug deep – something I rarely ever did – I could admit that part of me tried to make it work because she was Dan’s daughter and I thought I owed it to him to try as hard as I could for her, even if I knew it was useless.

“Are you sure the sex is great?” Callum challenged. “Can you even remember?”

“There are days where I wonder, yeah. It’s been years. I might have glorified it in my mind.”

“I’m gonna be honest, bro, even a glorified version doesn’t seem worth it to me to put up with everything that girl puts you through.”

“She’s not that bad. It’s a lot of drama. Eventually you go numb to it and it’s pretty tolerable.”

“Oh God,” he said, disgusted.

“What?”

“Stay up at Cal. Don’t come down to hang out. I’d rather listen to my parents scream and yell at each other than hear any more of this.”

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not,” he replied seriously. “You’re bummin’ me out, you damn cyborg.”

“Stop.”

“Find a girl who you actually like!”

“I like Laney,” I said, not even sounding convincing to my own ears.

“No, you don’t. You said you tolerate her. And you tolerate her for sex. What happens when that’s over? You just sit around and stare at each other, basking in the glow of how good looking you both are? That’s depressing as shit! And I’ll tell you what else – she doesn’t like you either. No girl that gives a rat’s ass about you would be sleeping through the senior class whenever she got the chance, then bragging to all the girls that she was dating you again the next week.”

“Where is this coming from?” I demanded. “Since when do you have so many opinions on my love life?”

“Ever since it started bringing me down to talk to you. And it’s not a love life. It’s a damn catastrophe.”

“Ouch.”

“Think about it. All I ever hear from you is that you’re pushing yourself too hard at school, you and Laney are fighting, or you’re at the gym. You ever go see the doctor about the stomach shit you had going on?”

I sighed heavily. “No.”

“It still happening?”

I didn’t answer him, though my stomach twisted and knotted in silent response.

“Yeah. See?” he asked irritably. “I’m worried about you, bro.”

“Yeah,” I answered quietly.

“I don’t know if it’s Laney or school, but whatever it is that’s doing this to you, you need to fix it. I got enough to worry about. Sort it out.”

“Okay,” I agreed seriously. “I will.”

***

One month later, Laney showed up at my apartment. I let her in to talk. She knelt between my legs and gave me head that made my toes go numb.

Just like that, we were back together and neither of us had said a word.

She turned eighteen three days later.

On a side note, I was convinced suits were manufactured in Hell on the east side of the Devil’s asshole. I hated them that much.

I didn’t know exactly how those two things were related, but in my mind they were.

I had only been forced to wear suits to dances and the occasional fancy dinner party with the Monroes on nights like tonight, so maybe that was it. No matter the reason, every single time I stepped into a suit, I hated it and part of me blamed Laney. They were too confining. I was an athlete who liked his range of motion and a fitted suit jacket destroyed that. It held me, pinched me, and made me feel like I was suffocating.

That didn’t bode well for me and my future as an attorney.

I still hadn’t told anyone in the family but Laney that I was applying to law school. I didn’t know what I was waiting for, but every time I came close to telling Dan or Jenna about it, my stomach flipped violently and I felt sick. The words never made it out of my mouth.

“You clean up nice,” Jenna told me as I tugged on my suit sleeves for the fiftieth time.

We were waiting in the driveway for the rest of the family to come out so we could head to dinner for Laney’s birthday. Jenna and I were always ready first. We were always waiting.

I smiled at her, trying not to stare. “So do you. Did you get to pick the dress?”

She looked down at the red knee-length dress with a whole lot of black lace or netting underneath it, making it flare out dramatically from her lean frame. Everything about her screamed classic. Old school. From her hair set in waves to the shiny black stilettos that I was pretty sure made her taller than I was, she was a vintage movie star made real. Her dark, smoky eye shadow and the shock of red lipstick on her face drove it home for me in painful Technicolor clarity that Jenna was a full grown woman.

And she was fucking gorgeous.

“Yeah, I did,” she answered, swishing the skirt back and forth lightly. “Do you like it?”

“You look beautiful. It’s very
you
.”

“How is it me?” she chuckled. “Because it’s out of style?”

“No, because it’s unique. Laney couldn’t pull this off. She’s too vanilla. You’re darker. Edgier.” I grinned. “More noir.”

“And thanks to you, I know what that word means.”

“How are you doing in school?”

Her face immediately fell. She looked away, groaning. “You had to bring that up.”

“That good, huh?”

“It’s fine. My new tutor is a douche but it’s fine.”

“How is he a douche?” I laughed.

“He’s in the same program you were in at Weston.”

“Higher Focus?”

“Yeah, so he’s super smart and that’s great but he’s also this car obsessed, street racing tool bag. It’s all he talks about. He has these tribal tattoos and he thinks it makes him bad but he’s not. He’s all talk,” she said disdainfully.

“Has he asked you out?”

She didn’t answer me, which was a yes.

It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. It annoyed me the way Devon did.

“Oh!” she cried out of nowhere, her face lighting up. “I have a present for you. Wait right here.”

As she ran into the house, her heels clicking hard and fast on the pavement, I felt my heart sink. I wasn’t good at accepting presents. She’d never given me one before because I thought she knew that.

When she came walking back out with a canvas pressed to her chest, I couldn’t clear the scowl on my face. “Jenna, you know I don’t do well with gifts.”

“But I didn’t buy it,” she clarified, nailing my biggest insecurity about accepting anything from her family. “I made it. I painted it for you.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Here.” She turned the canvas for me to see.

The instant I saw it, I was floored.

It was me in the ring. Me and the animal. It was us and the lights and the gloves and the bell. It was the smell of the gym and the feel of the air, humid and thick with sweat and resolve. It was pure motion. She’d captured my body in a blur of movement that made little sense but still had so much purpose. So much drive and power. It was me when I let the animal have its day. It was me on autopilot when I wasn’t worried about anything. When my walls came down and I wasn’t expected to be anything on this earth other than me.

She’d seen it. She’d seen us both and she’d painted us together; the animal and I.

And we weren’t half as ugly as I thought we would be.

In her eyes, we were beautiful.

“You don’t like it,” she said quietly, sounding sad.

I shook my head, but I couldn’t look away from the painting. “No, Jenna,” I answered roughly, “I do. I love it. It’s… it’s incredible.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her smile proudly. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. You are so talented it’s ridiculous. And this… this is me? This is how you see me?”

“Yeah,” she replied, as though it were obvious. As though everyone, including me, must see me that way. “When you’re fighting, Kellen, it’s so… I don’t know. Powerful. It’s like me in this dress, I guess. It’s so
you.
”