Break Me (6 page)

“He would be proud of you.”

I smiled. Genuine. True. “He would beat my ass if he could. You know that and I know that.”

Jet chuckled. “Yes. I believe so. Will you come back?”

The word was on the tip of my tongue. No. But there was Jared and the something between us that was tugging me, pulling me out of the shell I’d been in. “I hope so,” I said, instead.

“Good. I hope so, too. Stay. Look around if you want. No pressure for you to leave.”

I waited until he was gone to locate Jared, only he wasn’t in the room with me any longer. He hadn’t left. He wouldn’t do that. I wandered outside the room and found him not far.

He was looking at the pictures, the one’s he said had touched him when he looked at me in them. This was another hurdle for me to jump over.

“I haven’t looked at a picture of Tim and me since before he died. I haven’t looked at a picture of him at all since his funeral. I kept it all in my head. His looks, his mannerisms, his eyes, the way he parted his hair, the way he dressed. I kept it all locked in my mind.” I moved closer, my feet shuffling along, prolonging the inevitable.

There, on the wall, was my Sir, and the submissive I used to be. I’d adored him. Hung on his every word. Jumped when he told me to do so. Knelt when he commanded.

He was a good looking man. Taller than me by only a bit and held onto some girth in the middle. But I never saw that when I looked at him. I saw only the way he looked at me. “I think, when I look at him now, when I think of my relationship with him…” I took a shuddered breath and plunged ahead, determined to get it out. “I lost myself in him, some individuality, but I found myself in him, too. I wonder if that makes any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense.”

“I don’t want to lose myself like that again,” I admitted softly.

“I don’t think you have to lose yourself to submit. I believe, as you stated, that it’s how you find yourself.”

“He was good to me and I loved him. I’ll always love him.”

“I know and no one should ever ask you to stop or ask you not to remember or ask you not to talk about him. He was part of your life.”

“But that part’s over now, isn’t it? It’s been over.” I slipped my hand in his and he wrapped his palm around my fingers. He was warm and he was incredible. I felt lighter than I had in ages. I felt able to breathe. I saw color again and felt the beat of my heart inside my chest.

I was alive. “Take me home, Jared.”

Chapter Six

Claire

“Your home or mine?”

When I asked him to take me home, I wasn’t sure what I meant. I only knew I wanted to be with him and not alone. That hadn’t changed since I told him that outside the bookstore. But now, as he looked at me expectantly inside the cab of his truck, his question hanging in the air between us, I didn’t know how to answer him.

He was leaving it up to me. Since this whole thing started several days ago, this was the one thing, so far, that he was leaving up to me. Well, okay. There were other things too, like how much to reveal and how much to hold back. Given the choice, I’d held onto nothing. It was liberating. I felt lighter, mentally and emotionally. And, I felt uncertain where to go and what to do.

He was patient and would sit in the truck all night if I wanted. It made me wonder if he would be that patient in all things.

Would I? “Yours,” I said with finality. For every exhausting conversation we’d had, he was still a man and I was still a woman and I’d bared my heart and soul to him. Now, I wanted him.

I wanted his kiss on my lips and his hands on my body. I wanted to feel beautiful and sexual again. In light of everything, I could honestly say I missed sex. I missed rough sex with someone who knew their own strength and used it against me. With my consent.

“You sure?” he asked, pulling away from the curb.

“Yes.”

“All right. You want to grab some dinner first?”

“No.” Food wouldn’t ease the hunger I felt. I was surprised and shocked at the level of arousal coursing through my blood. I hadn’t expected it.

The sun had set and darkness covered the sky. Jared’s hands cradled the steering wheel the way I wanted him cradling me. Firm and not too hard, but enough that he didn’t lose control.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” I didn’t know what I should say. Should I tell him the truth?

“You sure? You’re quiet. Short with your answers.”

“I’m sure.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod his head. The rest of the ride was made in silence until he pulled up in front of a single story, white clapboard house with a wraparound porch. It was a pretty little place out in the middle of nowhere, but not so far out that he couldn’t come into town every day to see me.

Warmth at the thought settled low in my belly.

He cut the engine and loosely laced his fingers over the wheel and looked over at me. “I know you’ve been through a lot. You’re safe with me, Claire. I won’t be making any moves or advances on you. I won’t be trying to take advantage of you. But you know I want to explore this thing between us. You feel it. I know you do. So, when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. For tonight though, and until you say, you’re safe with me.”

I wanted to jump his bones for the sweet assurances he’d just given me. I wanted to crawl into his lap, and beg him to take me.

As it was, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and I couldn’t have said a word if my life depended on it. I nodded and he nodded back, then exited the truck. He helped me down and would’ve been content to walk by my side up to the house, but I slipped my hand into his because I couldn’t keep from touching him. It brought me comfort and gave me an anchor in a storm I hadn’t been part of in years.

“I like the house,” I said, as a way of making conversation until I gathered some nerve to tell him what I wanted.

“Thanks. It’s not much. There’s more I want to do, but it was a steal when I bought it.”

“How so?”

He unlocked the front door and led me inside. “It was unfinished. The guy who’d started it was a soldier. Army. He was deployed and unfortunately killed in action. His family put the house and land up for sale.”

“Gosh, that’s sad.”

“Yeah. He’d done some great work though before he left. There were only details to finish out. He’d already had the rooms done, but left plans that included adding on at a later date.” He turned on a lamp. “Feel free to walk around.”

French doors led to the side porch on the far wall in the front room. A leather couch and arm chair were the only furnishings, except for a side table between the two. “No television?”

“I like to read?” I laughed at his answer in the form of a question. He winked. “There’s one, just not in this room. I really do read in here.”

The dining room was across the foyer and opened into the kitchen. Two sets of French doors flanked the far wall, as well. It was spacious and light, but the heavy woods and large farmhouse table gave it a country feel that in Texas was paramount.

My flats didn’t make much noise on the hardwood floors as I walked from the front of the house to the back. There were three bedrooms, a bathroom in the hall, and I assumed a bathroom in the master bedroom, but I didn’t walk in to find out.

There were a lot of windows that during the day would let in a lot of natural light. There was attention to detail, too. Crown molding. Brass doorknobs. Two wrought iron bed frames and one wooden one with four posters.

“Do you have a playroom?” I asked when I rejoined him in the living room. Or the reading room. I wasn’t sure what to call it, but it was warm and inviting, and definitely urged me to curl up in the corner of the couch with a blanket and a good book.

Jared sat in the arm chair, his booted foot crossed over the opposite knee. “No.” We stared across the expanse of feet, neither moving, neither speaking. The air hung heavy with questions and anticipation. He dropped his foot to the floor and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Do you think I need one?” he inquired softly.

“Not if you have other ways and places to play.”

“You mean
The Club
?”

“There. And here,” I confirmed.

“I see. What do you think a playroom should contain?”

“I, uh…” When I asked the first question, I hadn’t known where I thought it would lead and what sort of conversation it would start. I should have, but I hadn’t thought that far ahead. It had just been the first thing that popped into my head as I looked at the beds he’d chosen. But, he was waiting for an answer, his gaze unwavering. “I guess it depends on what sort of things you like.”

It was a cop out reply and we both knew it. His smile told me so. “You’re after something, Claire, and I’m not sure what it is. I told you that you’re safe here with me. I won’t —”

“But what if I don’t want to be safe anymore?” I hastily interrupted him and his lips snapped shut. “I know. I do. I’ve been safe and cocooned inside my head and heart and body for too long. I did it to myself, I know that, but I don’t want to be that way anymore. I didn’t think I wanted anyone else. I didn’t think I could, but I do. I really, really do.”

“Claire…”

“You’re not him, I know that, too. I haven’t been with anyone since him. Not for sex. Not for spankings. Not for anything. I haven’t been out on a date. I’ve kept myself separate, going to work, going home, and doing the same thing over and over and over again. Please, Jared… Please.” I didn’t know how else to get my point across without actually dropping to my knees and crawling to him. I was on the verge of doing just that when he moved.

He stood and slowly closed the distance between us. “You can say stop at any time and I’ll stop. You can sleep in one of the guest rooms and I won’t say a word. You can ask to be taken home and I’ll do it that very second without question.” He stopped in front of me and my heart skittered to a halt when he cupped my cheek and kissed my lips with insistent pressure. I hadn’t been prepared for it, but melted with a sigh. “But, if you do none of those things, I’m going to take your clothes from your body and put you in my bed and…” His gaze locked with mine, and a smile ghosted across his face. “And I’m going to fuck you until you scream.”

I shuddered and my knees threatened to give out, but his arm slid around my back and held me up, pulled me into him. I hadn’t expected any of his words, but especially the last few. Yes, what he said was what I wanted. I wanted to be fucked. There was no other word to describe the need coursing through me. I didn’t want love making. I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want anything sweet and tender and loving. Not yet, anyway.

No, I wanted him to fuck me. To make me scream. To make me claw the sheets. To make me forget and to make me remember. “Yes.”

Chapter Seven

Jared

I didn’t show her, but I was dumbfounded. After all she’d been through, she was saying yes. I had put it out there to stun her, to make her slightly uncomfortable, to push her. Not to be cruel, but to see where her head actually was. She’d asked about a playroom and I knew her mind was whirring with the possibilities of something. I knew she didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t know what she wanted, if anything beyond that.

Did she just want a bed to sleep in? Did she want someone to talk to through the night? Did she want to push me as I wanted to push her? I hadn’t been sure and to be honest, I still wasn’t. It could be all of the above and I wouldn’t blame her.

If she was serious, though, wanting what I’d told her I would do to her, I wasn’t going to argue. I would take her at her word. I would strip her. I would fuck her through the sheets. God only knew I’d wanted to do so since the first moment I saw her in the café.

The pictures in
The Club
stirred something inside me, but seeing her in person, did something more to me, things I hadn’t expected, things I couldn’t remember ever feeling before.

Getting inside her head had been a trip I hadn’t been prepared for. I couldn’t begin to imagine her pain, her suffering, her loneliness. I understood being parted from a partner in BDSM and how it left one feeling lost for a time because even Dominants went through it, experienced the whipping in the wind feeling when things ended. But what she went through? I couldn’t put into words.

I brushed hair from her face and traced her features with my fingertips. She was pale and perfect. Sorrow had made her look nearly untouchable, but seeing it lifted from her eyes, made her look sensual. There were no clouds in the depths, but rather a desire I had up to now, only dreamt about seeing.

She didn’t move and she barely took a breath when I began unbuttoning her shirt. She wore the same outfit each time I saw her in the café, with only variations in color and cut. But it was always casual slacks in black, flats, also in black, and a button down shirt in different colors. Today it was black and white stripes.

I liked the way she dressed, the way she held herself in her business. She was professional, not flashy. But it did make me wonder how she dressed outside the bookstore. She’d said she only ever went to work and back home.

I wanted to change that pattern, that routine.

I parted the sides of her shirt and the fullness of her breasts would’ve made a weaker man drop to his knees. “You said you had body issues?”

“U-used to.”

I shook my head. “I have no fucking idea why you would.” The bra she wore lifted them and was pretty against her skin; deep blue with lace edges. Her belly wasn’t exactly flat, but it wasn’t large either. She did have a whittled waist and as I unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, I couldn’t help licking my lips.

I pushed and the fabric gave way to reveal rounded hips. Revealing her body to my gaze was going to test every ounce of my resolve and self-control.