Breakable (27 page)

Thank God
, I thought.

‘Aww, that sucks!’ Gwen said, won over. I was impressed. I was also glad Eve wasn’t working, because she distrusted
compliments to the point that she regarded them as an attack.

Once seated at a table in the corner, Jacqueline brought up the fact that I wear glasses, prompting a legion of inappropriate musings, courtesy of my cruel, vividly detailed memory of the reasons I’d flung those glasses away.

I don’t want you to stop
.

‘I could sketch you now,’ I said, and grabbed my sketchpad from my backpack as if it was a life preserver, meant to save me from drowning. I slid the pencil from behind my ear, balancing the pad on my crossed knee, and leaned back to look at her. She flushed like she could read my thoughts.

Read this, Jacqueline
. My pencil swept across the page, and I envisioned my fingers sliding across her skin. I watched her chest rise and fall, as I had last night. She stared at my hands as they interpreted the curves of her body and converted them to lines and shadows on paper.

I imagined stretching her out on my bed, crossing her wrists above her head, as she was in the drawing on my wall. I would run my fingertips over her, applying no pressure. Light strokes only, raising the tiny invisible hairs, training her body to recognize my touch. To rise to it. She would hum deep in her throat, as she had last night, restless, especially when my fingers grazed over her thighs, starting at her knees and moving up.

Hell
. Sketching her was a
terrible
idea.

‘What are you thinking about?’ I asked, in an attempt to distract myself.

‘High school,’ she answered.

Okay. That worked. She might as well have tossed her coffee at me. I assumed she was thinking about Moore until she said, ‘I wasn’t thinking about him.’

She asked what high school was like for me, and I saw those years in a series of flashes – Boyce’s unexpected friendship, Melody’s dismissal, the ache of losing my grandfather, Dad and his silence, the fights, the faceless girls, and Arianna, transforming my scars and skin into a narrative of loss. I’d changed my name when I left home, but I couldn’t disconnect from who I’d been so easily.

‘A lot different than it was for you, I imagine,’ I said. She asked how, and I told her the first thing that popped into my head – I’d never had a girlfriend. She seemed sceptical, but she couldn’t understand the boy I’d been. The partying and detached hook-ups, the hopelessness. In a few sentences, I told her about Amber, and that last fight – when rage hijacked my brain and my fists, and I blacked out. I told her about the arrest. I told her about Charles, and the way out he offered.

‘He’s like a guardian angel for you.’

‘You don’t even know,’ I said.

I sent Jacqueline the review two days before I would be giving it out in my session, after debating whether doing so crossed yet another ethical line. It was blatant favouritism. But what good was embracing my bad-boy side if I couldn’t play favourites?

She wrote me back and said it felt weird to get economics email from me, as if Landon and I were still two different
people. She admitted that she’d almost recommended
Landon
as a tutor to
Lucas
– who seemed like a total slacker, never paying attention in class and skipping quizzes. I was glad she didn’t tell me this in person, because I laughed out loud.

She and Mindi had gone to the police station to file reports and press charges against Buck – legal name: Theodore Boucker III, which I found out when I was contacted by the detective. I gave my story of his assault on Jacqueline and our fight. Buck had informed his whole frat and anyone else who’d listen that he had consensual sex with Jacqueline in her truck, and was jumped by ‘homeless thugs’ after she drove away – though he failed to file an assault report with campus or city police.

Tomorrow was my last class with Jacqueline. Her econ final was next week, and the dorms would shut down for winter break the week after that.

She texted:
After the final next Wednesday, then what?

I clicked the screen on and off.
Then what?
Didn’t she know how the bad-boy thing worked? There was no
then what
. I’d proven as much with too many girls to remember. Make out and then done, or head and then done, or fuck and then done.

Unlike everyone before and everyone after, I would worship and savour Jacqueline Wallace when she came to my bed. A first, then, for me. Make love and then done.

Finally, I texted back:
Winter break. There are things you don’t know about me. I told myself I won’t lie to you again, but I’m not ready to put everything out there. I don’t know if I can. I’m sorry.

I didn’t expect an answer. I didn’t get one.

I woke to the smell of coffee. Weird, because Dad was almost always gone by the time I woke up. I couldn’t imagine he’d cancelled scheduled excursions to discuss my arrest – he never backed out on his clients.

I emerged to find Charles Heller sitting at the kitchen table, no Dad in sight. He had a legal pad in front of him, along with his laptop and a local phone directory. He sat back and glanced up at me as I walked out into the kitchen.

‘Landon – I’d like to talk to you, if you’re willing. I brought toasted bagels, and I just started a fresh pot of coffee. I’ll give you a few minutes to wake up, and then we’ll chat. All right?’

Frowning, I nodded and went to the bathroom, digging some OTC pain meds from the cabinet over the sink. I could barely get the childproof lid off. My hand was so swollen it looked like it belonged to a cartoon character, and it hurt like hell. Everything was awkward without the use of it, from brushing my teeth to getting clothes off or
on. I pulled on a tank and board shorts – which I gave up and left untied.

After I slumped into the bench seat across from Heller, he scooted a bagel loaded with cream cheese and a mug of black coffee towards me. He removed his reading glasses and looked at me, his gaze open and persistent, searching my face, my eyes. I wasn’t used to such close examination from someone who gave a shit about me. I knew I’d disappointed him. The shame was a landslide, so quick and overwhelming that I was buried in it before I could run away.

Eyes dropping to the mug in my hands, I fought to keep from tearing up and waited for whatever he had to say.

‘I have a proposition, and you’re free to take it or not,’ he began. ‘What I’m about to offer you isn’t a gift. It’s a challenge. If you don’t want to take it on, no one can make you do it, and no one will try to. Understand?’

I didn’t understand, but I nodded, silent.

‘I’ve written a list of what I want from you. And next to it, I’ve written what I’ll do, if you do these things to the best of your ability.’ He pushed the legal pad towards me, and I stared at it as he narrated. ‘First: school. I want you to start going to class, every day, every class. I want you to do the best you can, because I want you to go to college. You’ll need to sign up for some challenging courses next year, to prepare, and you’ll have to work very hard at pulling your current GPA up, because you’ve dug yourself a big hole, Landon.’

I wondered if he had any idea how bad it was. I couldn’t tell him.

‘Second: get a job. Any job. Something that gives you a paycheck, not cash from your dad. Something that gives you experience working for someone else. Third: quit the drugs and drinking. Drugs, entirely. Drinking – well, I’d be a hypocrite if I said I was making you swear not to touch a beer again until you’re twenty-one. But I want you to try, and I want you to keep control of yourself. And finally, I want you to enrol in taekwondo. If you’re going to fight, you need to know how to do it right, and you’re going to learn the reasons to do it, and more importantly, the reasons not to.’

I swallowed, and my first thought was that I couldn’t possibly do all of this. This wasn’t a challenge. This was impossible.

But I wanted to do it.
I wanted to
.

‘If you agree to do these things, here’s what I’ll agree to do: I’ll pay for the martial arts classes. They saved my ass and centred me as a young man, and I think they’ll do the same for you. Second, I’ll pull every damned string I can pull to get you probationary enrolment at the university.’ My eyes snapped to his. He worked for the best school in the state. ‘Barring that,’ he continued, ‘there’s community college. We’ve got a great one. You make a year of top grades there, and you should be able to transfer in. Either way, Cindy and I want you to come live with us. There’s an apartment over the garage housing a bunch of junk we don’t need. You’ll need to get a job to pay for tuition, but your housing will be covered.

‘I made a few calls this morning. I found a reputable
dojang about twenty minutes away. If you accept my challenge, we’ll get you signed up today. I’ll take your signature at the bottom of this list as acceptance.’ He set a pen on top of the pad and stood. ‘Eat your breakfast and think it over. I’m going to go see Cindy and the kids off – they’re going on home today. I’ll be back in a little while.’

Laying a hand on my shoulder, he said, ‘I’ve also got a call in to the detective about your assault case. Your dad and I are going to see what we can do about that, regardless of what you decide here.’

He couldn’t have known how scared I’d been, how desolate I’d felt, sitting in that cell. I looked up at him to acknowledge everything he’d said, and I couldn’t speak. I just nodded. He patted my shoulder and was gone.

I signed that piece of paper before he’d been gone a full minute.

When I arrived for econ Wednesday morning, Jacqueline was talking to Moore in the hallway. The stiff set of his shoulders radiated frustration, and his tone confirmed it. ‘It never occurred to me that he’d do
that
.’

Jacqueline spotted me over his shoulder as I moved to stand next to her. ‘You okay?’ I asked.

‘I’m fine,’ she said, nodding. I glared at Moore for a moment before turning to enter the classroom. He recognized me and was fitting pieces together before I was
out of earshot. ‘That guy’s in our class? And what the hell was that look for?’

He did
not
want to know what that look was for, or that I was more than capable of backing it up.

Jacqueline didn’t glance my way as the two of them entered, five minutes later. Heller had begun lecturing. Moore passed me, his expression grim, and Jacqueline slipped into her seat, composed. I took an easy breath.

Jacqueline and Mindi planned to file temporary emergency restraining orders this afternoon. I offered to get my shift covered so I could accompany her, but she said Mindi’s parents were taking good care of both of them. ‘Erin says they may withdraw her permanently.’

I wished for the hundredth time that I’d killed that bastard when I had the chance.

I watched my breath puff out like smoke and craved a cigarette for the first time in forever. I’d only ever smoked while drinking – and maybe that’s what I really wanted. Some numbing of this. Watching what that girl – just two years older than Carlie – had to go through to report what happened to her was unbelievable. She had the support of her parents and the backing of her sorority – but the one time I’d seen her since then, she still looked hollowed out.

Jacqueline hadn’t told her parents. After their disappearing act over Thanksgiving break, I could well imagine why.

When we got to her building, she turned to face me.
Despite my bleak thoughts thirty seconds before, I smiled down at her adorable face – barely peeking from a knitted cap, a hooded coat and a fuzzy scarf wound several times round her neck, so high that it covered her mouth.

I touched my cold finger to her face, caressing the line of her jaw and dipping into that ridiculous scarf, revealing her full lips. ‘I’d like to see you, before you go home,’ I said.

She reminded me of her solo performance tonight, the recital she had to attend Friday, and her ensemble performance Saturday evening. I was officially convinced that music students had more outside-of-class obligations than any other majors.

‘I can come over tomorrow night, if you want,’ she said.

Oh
,
I wanted
,
all right
. I nodded, ‘I want.’

Her eyes were impossibly big and blue, her dark pink lips begging to be kissed.
I want to kiss you
,
Jacqueline
, I thought.
Right here
,
right now
,
in front of God and everybody
. She would let me. I could see it in her eyes. To save us both, I tugged her scarf back into place. ‘You look like a partial mummy. Like someone was interrupted while winding you into your shroud.’

‘Maybe I did a hammer-fist strike and bloodied his nose before he could do all that gruesome mummy stuff to me,’ she said, and I laughed. When she leaned towards me, I couldn’t resist kissing her forehead, carelessly inhaling.
Damn
.

‘Text me when you’re done this afternoon?’ I said, stepping back.

Jacqueline:
All done. TROs filed. He can’t come within 1000 ft of either of us.

Me:
Good.

Jacqueline:
Heading to my solo performance. Wish me luck!

Me:
You won’t need it. You have magical fingers, remember?

Jacqueline:

I always knocked on the back door of the Hellers’ place before entering. Charles and Cindy had never been as demonstrative as my parents were, but you could never be too sure. I didn’t want to traumatize all of us by walking in on them when their kids were out and they thought they were alone.

Heller answered the door. ‘Landon, everything okay?’

Landon
. I sighed. ‘Yeah. Great. I wanted to talk to you about … Jacqueline.’

His eyebrows rose, and then he smirked. ‘Come on in. I’m just making up my final exams for next week. My graduate students will
loathe
me by the time they finish.’ He rubbed his palms together, far too entertained by that thought. Undergrads almost always loved Heller. Graduate students thought he was Satan – but the ones he mentored knew their shit.

We sat at the kitchen table with a couple of beers.

‘Two things. One, I need to fill you in on my relationship with her …’

He braced himself. ‘Okay.’

‘I told you I’d known her before I became her tutor, as Lucas. What I didn’t tell you was how we actually met.’ I took a breath. ‘She was assaulted, outside a frat party on campus. I … stopped it. She didn’t want to report it.’

‘Jesus Christ.’ He pushed his laptop aside and leaned his elbows on to the notebooks spread over the table. ‘She was assaulted by
another student
?’

I nodded.

‘Why wouldn’t she report it? He’s undoubtedly dangerous –’

‘I’m … not done.’

He fell silent, frowning.

‘Charles, I stopped it before – before it went to the level of anything she could prove,
physically
. No bruising and no –’ I ground my teeth – ‘no penetration. The guy is a member of her ex’s fraternity. You know how those guys can be – they’d either not believe he did it, or they’d smear-campaign the shit out of her regardless. I couldn’t make her do it, though honestly, I didn’t try all that hard. So maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I hoped that beating him bloody would deter him. It didn’t.’

‘Oh, God. He did it again.’ His words were a statement, not a question.

‘Yeah. He raped another girl.’

‘What the –’

‘She’s reported it, and so has Jacqueline. And so did I.’

‘Is he out on his ass?’ His eyes blazed. ‘I don’t want that little prick prowling around
my school
.’

My lips twisted. ‘Rumour in PD is that administration
will let him remain through finals week, if he only comes on to campus for his finals, and a member of his frat is with him at all times when he’s there.’

‘
That is bullshit –
’

‘Innocent until proven guilty, Charles.’

‘I know.
I know
.’ He sighed heavily, as frustrated as I’d been. ‘I just – I think of Carlie, and it makes me so fucking furious –’ He stopped.

I ran a finger over the scar inside my left wrist, and neither of us spoke for a moment.

‘Jacqueline and the other student filed temporary restraining orders today. He can’t come within a thousand feet of them, on or off campus, or contact them in any way.’

He nodded, and I knew he was thinking what I was thinking:
Not good enough
. But it was something.

‘You said there were two things?’ he prodded.

I sucked on the ring in my lip, and he noticed. I had an unforgiving tell. I couldn’t keep from worrying the damned thing when I was anxious. I took a deep breath. ‘I want to see if the … um, student/tutor separation can be lifted now? We want to hang out tomorrow night. After I give my review. At which point my tutoring duties are sort of done …’

He angled one brow. ‘Hmm. Does she live in the area, or will she be leaving campus during winter break?’

‘Leaving.’

‘Ah, well. I’d suggest that you not go fully public until after the exam next week. But a little covert hanging out –’
He aimed a devious grin my way. ‘I suppose you two are capable of that.’

He thought Jacqueline was about to become my girlfriend – or already was. Furthermore, he looked thrilled at the prospect. I didn’t have the heart to set him straight.

Jacqueline was jittery during dinner. I made pasta, which seemed to impress her, again – but I figured she was nervous about what had happened last time. There wouldn’t be a repeat, but I couldn’t exactly tell her that without sounding like a dick.
Hey, remember how I wanted to stop last time? Well, this time, I’m not stopping until you’re done screaming my name.

Yeah, no.

After I loaded our plates into the dishwasher, I pulled her closer and pretended to give her an impromptu self-defence lesson – taking her hands and pinning them behind her back. ‘How would you get out of this hold, Jacqueline?’