Breaking Braydon (18 page)

That’s when I heard it. At first, it was a beautiful, lilting sound. Laughter. For a moment, the sound was soothing, almost peaceful. I opened my eyes slowly and focused in the direction of the sound. It was Angela. She had the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. But I something was wrong. As my body started to recover from the dizzying pain, the laugh became high pitched and screechy. 

“Oh my God, he’s crying! He’s crying like a little baby!” Angela doubled over, slapping her hand on her leg. The beautiful sound from moments before twisted in my head as I tried to grasp the cruelty of it.

She was laughing. At. Me.

Angela continued her laughter, calling a few friends to the spot on the floor where I remained curled up. The pain hadn’t subsided enough for me to move. So I stayed. Humiliated beyond comprehension. 

And then it happened. What people might refer to as the “icing on the cake.” Angela reached over to the table behind her, grabbed a plate of spaghetti from another student, and dumped it over my head. She squealed, gave Derek a high-five, and said, “Now you have something to cry about, Baby Braydon!”

Something snapped in me. The carefully contained emotions I’d kept in check during the previous year threatened to break free. I’d successfully suppressed all the indignities Derek had subjected me to up until that moment. It started with simple anger and frustration building to a murderous rage that consumed me. My face flushed, and my body tightened like a wound coil.

 Deep down, I knew I wouldn’t act on the dangerous feelings, but they were there, filling my soul with a darkness I knew would never leave. My hatred for Derek shifted to Angela. I’d never hated a girl before. She was so beautiful. How could such ugliness be coming from all that beauty?

All my dreams exploded around me. Were all girls like this? Or maybe it was her beauty that was to blame. People would always be drawn to her, attracted by what they wanted to believe. She didn’t need the façade of kindness or compassion to mask who she really was. She could let her cruelty, her ugliness, show, and people would still flock around her. I observed how some of the other students laughed with her, giving her praise and encouragement. 

Watching Angela in class these past months hadn’t given me a hint of her true nature. 

Disappointment draped over me, suffocating, choking. The emotion, so black, it seized control of me – body and soul. I was drowning, not by Derek’s physical abuse, but by the overwhelming, crushing disappointment that was Angela.

I knew if I didn’t stuff the feelings back quickly, violence was entirely possible. The hate that filled my body needed to be contained. I didn’t want to lose everything I’d worked for in one moment of rage. 

That’s when it happened – blessed numbness. All my emotions switched off. I got up off the floor, brushed the spaghetti from my hair, and adjusted my clothing. The lunch crowd seemed to sense my attempt at a dignified exit. The laughter died down to a murmur as I left the building with my head held high. I did it. I was better than her and all her so-called beautiful friends.

I knew the truth. I would never be fooled again.

THIRTY-FOUR

Jain

I rounded the corner with my bag of clothes. “Hey, Braydon,” I called out to him. “I’m all packed. Something smells delicious in here.”

He wasn’t in the kitchen, but he’d started to sauté some vegetables. Perhaps he decided to answer his phone. I laughed to myself. I knew how hard it was for him to totally disconnect. Todd probably had some business to discuss since he’d missed an entire week of work. Part of me was excited to get back to the lab, but the other part wanted to stay here with Braydon a little longer. This had been the best week of my life.

I heard voices near the front door. Darn. Henry must already be here to drive me home. I picked up my bag and headed for the door.

I stopped in my tracks. There was that awful girl – Angela? Braydon was bent over with his hands on his knees. Had she hurt him? He had a piece of paper crumpled in his fist.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Angela stepped forward. “I came to give you the good news. You won the contest.”

“What contest?” What the hell was she talking about?

“Breaking Braydon. As you can see, you broke him.” She sniggered.

Was this some sick joke?

“Braydon, what is she talking about?”

He slowly straightened, and his eyes met mine. But he wasn’t really looking. It was a vacant stare. His silver eyes looked hard and deep. So deep, I couldn’t see him. He wasn’t there.

“Here.” He threw the wadded-up paper at me. I took it and straightened it out. It looked like a document. At the top, the headline read,
Breaking Braydon Contest Winner
.

“This stupid contest? Why would I want to look at this?” My heart raced, and I felt my stomach drop.

“So you admit you knew about it?” His voice sounded dead. His face was void of emotion.

“Yes, I heard about it.” I examined it closer. My name was highlighted with a hundred dollar contribution, supposedly dated months earlier.

“Why is my name on this?” My chest tightened. Sweat formed at my brow.

He snorted. “Good question.” He crossed his arms and continued his lifeless stare.

My eyes darted to Angela. She was smiling like the cat who ate the canary. “You had something to do with this, didn’t you?” I accused.

“Don’t shoot the messenger. You should be thanking me. This is good news for you. Now your company won’t have to crawl around asking for handouts. Well, at least for a few months.” She laughed and flipped her hair over her shoulder.

I’d never wanted to hit someone as much as I wanted to hit Angela. Hard. I wanted to hit her hard.

“You’re a raving bitch, you know that?  I also know you doctored this up. You’re a liar.”

“Enough!” Braydon yelled. He’d gone from emotionless to raging mad.

Shocked, I asked. “You don’t believe this do you?”
Please, no.
“Don’t.” I whispered. “Braydon, don’t do this.”

“You think I’m an ignorant fool, don’t you?” he continued shouting. “The proof is right in your hands. It’s notarized, for God’s sake. How far are you willing to go with this? Your game is up. You got your money. Now get out. Go!” He was visibly shaking with uncontrolled anger.

I stood stock still, my fists clenched tight. Hot tears formed behind my eyelids.

“You promised. You promised you’d trust me first. I told you what would happen if you didn’t.” My heart was breaking.
I
was breaking.

“Oh yeah. I remember. It was right after the story about your mom. Tell me, is your mom even dead?” His hands were opening and closing like he wanted to hit someone. Maybe me. I’d never seen this side of him before. How could he ask about my mother?

“When you find out the truth, don’t come back. You had your chance to believe me, and you blew it. I’m done here. For good.” I couldn’t believe this was happening.

All he said in return was, “Good.”

I grabbed my things and headed out the door. There was still a little snow on the ground, but I didn’t care. I’d walk to Seattle before I spent another minute with Braydon.

“Congratulations, Angela. You got your revenge.” She had the audacity to smile her fake, ugly smile.

Just as I walked down the porch, two cars pulled into the driveway. One car I recognized. Colin. Oh God, was I glad to see him. Todd stepped out of the other car. They glanced at one another in understanding. They had both called us this morning. Maybe they knew what Angela was up to.

Colin walked straight to me and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Are you okay?” His eyes were soft and searching.

“No. Please take me home.” Tears were falling down my face.

“What did that bitch do? We knew she was up to no good.” He turned to the front porch, shooting Angela a threatening glare.

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I want to get out of here, now, please.” I grabbed the door handle; it was locked.

“We can fix this, Jain. Whatever she did. Don’t let her win,” he pleaded.

“It’s too late. The damage is done.” The tears were now streaming. “Please, I’ll never ask you another favor for the rest of my life. I need to get out of here, now. Please, open the door.”

Colin stopped and assessed the situation. He looked at me, back to the porch then back at me. Decision made; he unlocked his car.

I got into the passenger seat and closed the door. I couldn’t breathe at first. I tried. I couldn’t get air in or out. I wanted to close my eyes and disappear. Right before the door shut, I heard an anguished cry, “Jain.” It was Braydon. He must have figured it out. I didn’t look back. It was too late.

***

The Christmas tree was sparkling. Mesmerizing. It had been my focal point for the past few days. Colin had brought it into my bedroom to cheer me up. It did, a little. It had been two weeks, and I hadn’t gone back to work yet. I hadn’t used any of my vacation hours from the many years I’d worked for Bastion Medical. As a result, I could take a few months off. I wouldn’t stay away that long because I knew they depended on me. But I wasn’t ready yet. I knew I would be useless in the lab.

After I had recovered from my initial anger with Braydon, I turned into myself with grief and sadness. I desperately wanted to feel numb, anything to give me a reprieve from the horrible, gut-wrenching sobs that had replaced the pacing and yelling. Poor Colin had seen it all for the past two weeks.

Once Braydon had discovered the truth, he wanted to apologize and start over. I couldn’t do it. Like Braydon, I had trust issues, and I would never be able to trust him again. He made me a promise then broke it. Granted, it was an elaborate ruse, woven by a talented manipulator. But he chose to believe Angela over me. I could never come back from that. My self-preservation skills wouldn’t allow it.

Colin told me that Braydon was destroyed. I doubted it. He might be upset he ruined our relationship, but I was sure he’d be on the arm of some beauty at one of his events soon. I was getting ready for that day. It was going to happen, and I needed to be able to function through it.

Colin had been checking on me every day. He’d proven his friendship over and over. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be eating. Even Nancy felt sorry for me. She laid on my bed every day and hadn’t scratched me once.

This was what depression felt like, dark and deep. I kept sinking into it, and I didn’t know how to get out. When was I going to feel normal again? Did I even want normal back? I rolled over in my bed and curled into a ball. Shock and numbness would come and go. I prayed to stay numb. I couldn’t function with this raw, open wound. There was a monster inside me, clawing to get out. Pain and misery kept trying to surface, and I was doing everything humanly possible to push them back down. It didn’t work.

Braydon.
The thought of his name sent an assault of sadness and loneliness through my mind and body. Every memory, even the good ones, felt like a stab wound.

There was a knock at my bedroom door. I knew it was Colin, because no one else had my key. I pulled the blankets over my head and shouted, “Go away!”

The knob turned slowly. I stayed under the blankets. I didn’t want to have another “talk.” They were exhausting.

“You know I can’t do that.” I was hurting Colin by my complete withdrawal from the world. He was doing his best, but nothing could help me.

“Colin, I appreciate your concern, but I’d do a lot better if I was left on my own.”
Go away.

“Again, I can’t do that. I won’t leave you like this. You’re scaring me, Jain.” Another talk. I sat up to get it over with.

“I’ve already talked to you about him.” I wouldn’t say his name. “I told him what would happen if he didn’t trust me again. He has issues, Colin. Problems that are too big for me to handle. If I went back now, I’d always wonder when the other shoe would drop. I won’t live my life like that. I deserve better than that, don’t you see?”

The irony was, Braydon had taught me that I deserved better. After our talk about my mom and my role in her suffering, I’d come to terms with the fact I wasn’t capable of helping her kill herself. Once that burden was lifted, I felt like a different person.

Colin said quietly, “He’s devastated. He might even be worse than you.”

Part of me thought he
should
be suffering like I was. The other part didn’t want him to be sad, because…

“I loved him, Colin.” I blurted out.

He took my hand. “I know, honey.” He smiled feebly.

“I know it sounds crazy, especially coming from me. But, we were inseparable for an entire week. If you think about it, the amount of time we had together would compare to months of dating. I let my defenses down. Not just a little, all the way down. You know all those years I spent guarding myself? It didn’t help, because all the love I was holding back came out all at once. I allowed myself to love him because he’s so…” I stopped myself and groaned. “How could I be so stupid? He’s a player. He couldn’t deal with commitment, so he trashed our relationship. He may not have done it purposely, but he knew what would happen.”

“He told me a few things about his childhood. I think you should hear him out,” he explained. He knew what my response would be.

“Colin, I think you should leave. I want to be alone.” I lay back down and threw the blankets back over my head.

Colin started to talk, but I stopped him. “If you aren’t going to support me, I want you to go.” I couldn’t take even a glimmer of hope. It was excruciating, even the thought of it. Braydon and I would never be together again. I wasn’t able to stand the pain of the separation after only a week spent together. What would I have been like if it had been months? I couldn’t even fathom agony worse than I what I’d experienced the past two weeks. I didn’t think I’d be able to live through it. Would this unbearable pain ever go away? Would it soften so I could at least function?