Breaking Through (Atlanta #3) (22 page)

By the end of the movie she glanced over and saw Luke in a deep sleep. As much as she wanted to sleep in his arms, she couldn't bring herself to wake him up long enough to drag him to bed. This was also the first evening they spent together where he didn't passionately take her body. Usually, he couldn't get enough of her. Now he was shutting her out even further. A single frustrated tear escaped her eye as she walked alone to her bedroom.
 

CHAPTER TEN

With a sudden jolt, Jenna woke to the sounds of Luke's nightmares once again. She sprinted out to the couch as he shot violently from sleep and into hyper-aware, panting consciousness. Seeing the wild look in his eyes, Jenna stopped a few feet away. This was much worse than usual.

"Luke? Babe, are you ok? …Luke?" Jenna spoke softly as she calmly eased her way toward him on the couch wearing her comfy pjs. He still wore his clothes from the night before. He was shaking and sweating and had his arms wrapped around himself. He gripped too-tight around his own ribs and began shaking, muttering under his breath. She couldn't understand a word, so she waited another moment before trying again. "It's ok, Luke. Look, it's me. I'm coming over there. I'll take care of you. It's ok…"

He broke through the fog and focused on Jenna. And for the first time ever, he got a frightening look in his eye as she attempted to comfort him. His nostrils flared and he stood up abruptly off the couch. Still shaking, he whispered menacingly through his teeth from under his breath. "Keep away from me."
 

Jenna took a quick step back from him. The tension in the room pressed on her painfully. Even her breath was hard to find. And no matter how strongly she told herself not to be afraid, the look in his eye terrified her. She had no idea what was happening. With zero information about his nightmares, she had no context for the anger. How was she supposed to help him if he wouldn't let her in? And now Luke moved from reluctantly accepting occasional comfort to shutting her out completely.
 

Instinctively, Jenna knew this was a crucial moment. This turning point
had
to move in a positive direction. Otherwise, she would need to settle for a relationship with a man forever at arm's length or no relationship at all. If she continued to let his nightmares push her away, the
I love you
would never come and her vision of their future would dissolve. Jenna had to be strong. Gathering her wits and resolve, Jenna claimed that step between them again.

"I said keep away!"

With her chin held steady and confidence in her voice, she calmly said, "No."

Luke actually grunted loudly from his chest and took an angry step forward from the couch. "I don't want to fucking hurt you!"

Still calmly and with caring softness, Jenna said, "You won't."

Luke yelled again and paced around the living room gripping his head like he often did after a nightmare. "You have no fucking clue! I could rip your head off. Keep out of my way, damn it!" He paced and ranted and made very little sense for a short moment until he found his train of thought again. "I have to get out of here," he finally muttered, reaching for his keys.

Jenna moved quickly between him and the door. Her own move terrified her. Luke was insanely strong, angry, and not in his head at the moment. Even in the best of situations, Luke could do serious damage, and this was not the best of situations. Still, Jenna had to trust he was
good
, down to the core. He loved her and did not want to hurt her. This moment of blind trust in him was critical. He would accept her trust or he would destroy their bond completely. This was the tipping point.

Luke saw her standing strongly by the door and became frighteningly calm. "Don't do this," he gritted, sounding almost hateful.

"Please stay," she said softly.
 

He strode quickly to the door, barreling at her like an angry bull. Jenna flinched to the point of cowering, but held her ground. He slammed his palm loudly on the wood beside her head and made a growling sound.
 

"I have to get out!" he yelled, right in her face as he smacked the door again. "Don't you get it? Damn it, Jen! Get out of my way or I'll fucking move you myself."
 

Wide-eyed but determined, she kept herself solidly stationed against the door. Luke narrowed his eye and reached to grab her under her arms to get her out of the way, but Jenna remained strong. She pushed her hands flat against his chest and tried to force him away. He didn't budge.

"Please stay," she whispered again.

His nostrils flared even wider but he maintained what little composure he held. They stared each other down for a long, tense moment. Jenna strained to keep eye contact. She was scared, tired, intimidated, confused, and even angry. But no matter what, she loved him and trusted him. She wanted to come out of this four a.m. standoff even stronger together. Avoiding his issues wasn't an option anymore.

Finally, after a minute or maybe a decade, she wasn't sure which, Luke took a defeated step back. He dropped his forehead into his hands and shook his head, muttering again. Jenna listened carefully to his random syllables while she held her position at the door, hoping to gain some insight into the inner workings of his mind. She got nothing.
 

"Luke," she whispered from her spot at the door. "Please…talk to me…"

He stopped dead in his tracks and gripped his head in his hands. "I didn't…you won't…"

Jenna paused, hoping he would continue. Those five syllables were the only ones he'd ever uttered about his nightmares. They told her nothing, but they formed the word "hope" in her mind. He'd come so far! If he would take her proverbial hand, she could lovingly pull him forward into healing. She held her breath, waiting for whatever he might say or do next.

Luke seemed frozen, conflicted, and angst-ridden. Her strong, damaged man was teetering on an unknown edge. She was determined to catch him when he finally let himself fall. This moment had been months in coming and her arms were as ready as her heart. She walked to him slowly and rested her hand on his shoulder.

He crumpled to his knees.

Fuck
! His entire mind was gone. His anger boiled under every surface of his skin, right along with the knowledge that if he let it out, he would lose Jenna. He wouldn't,
couldn't
hurt her physically, but keeping his skin from exploding took too much restraint. Too damn much. He wasn't sure he could remain strong enough.

And his brain!
Fuck
! His mind was about to explode, too. He needed to let it all fly. Every hateful thing he'd ever done, and the most hateful thing from what he
should have done
…all of it needed to escape from his psyche. Keeping the lock secured around his darkness proved exhausting, but he saw no other choice.
 

If he let
any
of this go, the consequences would be dire. Jenna would find out how dark a bastard he was, and he would lose her. And Sophie. He needed to keep a tight grip on his control, but he was crumbling. He had to get out, but she wouldn't let him leave.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
The situation remained impossible. How was he supposed to keep all of it in? Fight training helped, but Jenna stood between him and the gym. Jenna's comfort calmed him, but he was too far gone right now to trust himself in her arms.

Nothing eased the pressure of the darkness pounding against the cage in his mind, and he couldn't escape. All his carefully maintained walls crackled audibly in his brain. And in this exact moment, forbidden words were about to tumble out. No matter how this played out, he would hurt Jenna in some way. He'd lose her.
 

Luke finally looked up to see Jenna on the floor beside him, on her knees, looking at him with such love, and such fear. He hated the look in her eyes. She should never have to be afraid of him! And that was it: that look in her eyes broke through the weakest part of the crumbling wall.
 

He didn't want to tell her about the reason behind his nightmares. He didn't want his awful shit in her brain. He didn't want to say the words. He didn't want the words to be true. But they were, and he didn't think he could stop them any longer. He started to break, even though he knew Jenna would hate him. At this point, she might hate him either way. A sob ripped from his chest and he fell forward into her arms.

Jenna held him tighter than he would have thought possible. She rocked him gently in her arms while he cried angrily. "I didn't stop them…" he rasped out through his tears. He made noises he'd never heard before. Hate, anger, frustration, guilt, pain, fear, disgust, and every negative emotion he didn't have a word for…all of them tore from his chest as he shamefully cried and tried desperately not to talk. But it was too late, his words already betrayed him. Still, he tried to hold on. He couldn't let her find the depth of his ugliness.

"Say it," she encouraged. "Let it go, Luke. I'm not going anywhere…I'm here."

She could feel the tension in his body holding onto whatever tortured him. This was all so close to the surface. He was on the verge of breaking through and letting her in. These last moments of patience were more difficult than all her efforts over the last few months combined. He needed to let go of his demons, and all she could do was wait a little longer.

"I know you're scared, Luke," she encouraged while he gripped around her and gritted his teeth. "But I promise, I'm staying with you. We'll deal.
I promise
. Tell me, babe…"

"You can't promise that," he finally choked out. "I didn't stop them…"

"Stop who? Please say it, Luke…I'm staying. I promise. Because I love you.
I love you.
"

"I can't let you hate me!" he yelled as he smacked his hand down on the floor and let go of her. He withdrew into himself.

"I could
never
hate you, Luke…no more hiding. It's time to let go. This is it." She grabbed his face firmly in her hands and forced him to look her in the eye. "Didn't stop who?" she asked pointedly, keeping his eyes connected with hers. "Tell me."

Her heart broke at the look in his eyes. She saw too many levels of awful to even describe. But this was the time. His words were moments away from letting her in. She willed herself to be strong enough to hear the evil hiding behind his tears. She already promised him many times the gift of unconditional love, and she understood this would put her to the test. She knew she would pass. She truly loved him which stood stronger than anything.

"Jenna…I can't," he pleaded. "Please let me go…I don't want to hurt you…"

"You won't hurt me, and I'm strong enough to help. Trust me,
please
. I love you! We're doing this together…"
 

He looked so small, so defeated. He laid down with his head in her lap as he circled his arms around her hips. He held her tight and took a deep breath. And then, miraculously, she saw the shift in him. His body relaxed a little as she waited a moment longer for him to speak. She whispered one more loving phrase, hoping her quiet words would nudge him that one final inch toward trusting her. "Tell me…"

Unfortunately, the only word that escaped his lips was a determined, flat-voiced "No."

Jenna was utterly crushed. Tears fell hot from her eyes and dropped directly onto Luke's temple. It was over. He didn't trust her enough to let her in. She thought for sure this was the moment. He was so close! But she saw his resolve harden as he shut himself off from her completely. Luke was more distant than ever before. The beautiful breakthrough twisted into a cold retreat. His arms remained around her hips, but Luke's embrace was empty. How could he get so close to her, and then withdraw so thoroughly? Suddenly, Jenna felt like an inadequate fool.
 

"I'll let you leave now," she breathed out weakly. "You can go if you still want to."
 

Luke silently eased himself from Jenna's embrace, picked up his keys, and walked out the door without so much as a backward glance. Jenna slowly sank further to the floor and cried for a long, quiet time.

Jenna went about her day-to-day routine; she even went to work. She ate her meals and brushed her teeth and opened her mail…all like a zombie. She had nothing left after giving herself to him completely, only to be shut out cold. Three days had passed since Luke left her on the floor, lying there wanting nothing but to help him. Three days with no contact whatsoever. She hadn't even found the nerve to text him. How could she? Jenna had no idea what was going through his mind. But that was the exact point. She never did.
 

Her emotions alternated between self-disgust for pushing him and anger that he walked out. Jenna desperately needed to talk about this, but remained bound by her promise of secrecy.
 

But what did Jenna owe him now? Silence was
his
priority. Not hers. He walked away with no apparent intention to come back to her. Since the beginning of the relationship they had spoken or texted every day.
Every day
. Now three days passed since their last contact. How could she assume any conclusion other than the obvious? He didn't want her anymore, or at least didn't feel he could be with her. She pushed too hard, or he was too far gone. Maybe both. Either way, the unspoken goodbye shouted loudly in her head over and over.
 

She picked up her cell and hit Erin's number by speed-dial. Unlike Luke, Jenna needed to talk through her issues. She respected him enough to keep his name out of the conversation, but no longer could she hold in all the pain. How in the world did he keep from exploding? None of him made sense to her anymore. Her hurt was too acute to sort through his issues with any degree of logic. But still, she didn't want to give up on him. She was so confused!

"Hi, Jenna," Erin answered lightly after the third or fourth ring.
 

"Hey, Erin," Jenna nearly wheezed through her tears. "I need some girl time…Can you come over?"

"Oh, honey! Of course! Are you ok?"