Breaking Through (Atlanta #3) (21 page)

Rarely did he let her comfort him, swearing he didn't deserve to be helped. Jenna became more and more frustrated with his self-imposed isolation. She wanted nothing more than to help him deal with his darkness, but all he did was shut her out.
 

Every morning after a nightmare, however, he reverted to his loving, passionate self. The inner "shit-storm" as he called it would be carefully hidden behind his practiced normalcy. If Jenna ever tried to bring up the subject of therapy, he shut her down immediately without masking his frustration with her. "Drop it," he would say with a pointed glare.
 

Often times she would ask him to at least confide in her. She got the same response. He would never explain his tattoos, either. The only other words she got from him on the matter was he dealt with his "shit" at the gym. She tried to point out his workouts weren't helping enough, that his nightmares weren't letting up at all. The evening she dared say that, Luke looked so angry he scared her for the first time ever.
 

Immediately after giving her such a dark look he apologized, but she never forgot the anger in his eyes. She knew the internal torture was getting worse instead of better. She was scared of what would happen if he never got help. Beating up the gym equipment
wasn't enough
. Even his exhibition matches and sparring fights were doing nothing to ease his anxieties anymore. Jenna easily recognized his issues as self-hatred. He punished himself every time he was at the gym. He came back bruised too many times because he went after the fights even harder than before. He was headed for self-destruction and there was nothing she could seem to do about it.

Even harder was her inability to talk with Cassie and Erin about it. Keeping things private wouldn't work if she started talking about Luke's anger. Most likely, they would at least be reminded of Luke or Marcus, which would put them that much closer to figuring out his identity. With Miranda getting nosier and more intrusive, the last thing they needed was their relationship going public. CB might have a full-blown meltdown and try to keep Sophie from him completely. At that point, lawyers would have to get involved. Luke wasn't ready for a full-on custody battle.
 

If he did get partial custody, he would have Sophie for overnight visits. His apartment was too small, and he didn't want to scare his sweet little girl with his nightmares. She was almost three now and more perceptive than ever. The worst moment of that was when Sophie came into the clinic with a sore throat. Miranda brought her in and Sophie tried to sit on Jenna's lap. Miranda got annoyed and kept her back. Jenna nearly had a heart attack when Sophie's angelic voice said, "Daddy likes Jenna." How did she remember? It had been months since he came in with her.
 

Miranda glared at Jenna and nearly barked, "Excuse me?" with a very snarky voice. Jenna excused the comment away by saying Luke had said thank you the last time he was in and he had liked how helpful she was.
Crap
. This private relationship wouldn't be able to last much longer, and when Miranda entered the picture, life was going to get ugly. Luke's nightmares and self-hatred would most likely get worse, too.
 

One weekend when Luke stayed over on a Saturday night, however, Jenna finally had enough. He woke up from another nightmare and again refused her comfort. She kept her silence as usual, but the event sent her brain spinning out of control. As beautiful as their relationship was, there would come a point when they couldn't ignore his issues any longer. Instinctively, Jenna knew the moment would be soon.
 

He went home that Sunday after a hot morning in bed and a long, sweet goodbye at her door. The moment he left, however, Jenna sank to the floor and started to cry. Everything was coming to the breaking point for her.
 
She hated that awful moment at the clinic when Miranda stared her down, as well as every one of his nightmares she endured at arm's length. She loved her man and only wanted to comfort him and help, but he wouldn't let her.
 

What weighed equally heavy on her heart was that he still never said
I love you
. She understood he genuinely loved her. He demonstrated his love constantly. He took good care of her, dedicated his time to her, and reached such depth of connection with her on nearly every level. His love was an integral part of their relationship, but he wouldn't say it.
 

She desperately wanted to hear it. She wanted to understand why he wouldn't say the words. He was obviously aware of his feelings, so why the silence? She was frustrated over the silence of their relationship, too. When would that end? She wanted to scream to the world
why
she was an entirely new person. She'd been with Luke for months and she hadn't even told her parents about him yet. They recently left for an extended mission trip to Africa, and she wouldn't be able to talk to them at all during the entire trip. So even if they "outed" their relationship, her parents still wouldn't know for months. Damn the silence.

And all those beautiful visions of being with Luke forever started to fade. The family she envisioned may never come to be. How much longer could she keep this up? More than likely, the stress of keeping the relationship a secret weighed on him, too. His whole life was wrapped up in hiding himself from those around him. How exhausting that must be.
 

Jenna heard more about his issues through her friends than she did from him. Both Erin and Cassie occasionally talked about Marcus's angry trainee, and Jenna's suspicions were confirmed every time. Luke was getting worse instead of better. He lived in a pressure-cooker of such magnitude Jenna could barely believe he was surviving…yet he would accept no help.
 

So she cried. She cried for a long time. Even a long bath and a cup of tea didn't stop her sobs. Resigned to her tears, Jenna let herself cry for nearly the whole day after he left that morning. She let every frustration from her life rock through her body and escape from her eyes.
 

By evening, though, Jenna emerged from her sadness clear-headed. She was more determined than ever to help Luke, and she could no longer take
no
for an answer. If they were to move forward, she had to help him. If he wouldn't let her, she wondered if they would ever survive the long-term she hoped for. She might even break the secret-relationship agreement so she could coordinate with Marcus to help him. Marcus cared enough to keep their confidence, she knew, but how angry would Luke be if she outed them to his trainer? Either way, something had to give. Soon.

On a beautiful Tuesday in September, Jenna's thoughts about helping Luke got interrupted by a phone call from Cassie.
 

"Hey, Cass. How's your fiancé?" Jenna asked with a smile. Only a few weeks earlier, Scott proposed to Cassie with a custom-for-Cassie-and-Scott ring. The nontraditional style of the ring fit both her and Scott in every way. A smile came to Jenna's face every time she thought about Scott and Cassie's beautiful relationship and their happiness. And now,
forever
was a promise for Cassie instead of a dream.
 

If Jenna was being honest with herself, she was insanely jealous of both her friends. Their men already worked through their issues in life and came out on the other side stronger and happier for it. They had relationships they could talk about. Someday, she hoped, she could have that, too. She had no idea how soon that would happen…if ever. Luke's darkness and self-hatred ran deep, and no matter how much love and comfort Jenna offered him, her help was almost never accepted.
 

Again her thoughts were interrupted by Cassie's voice. "My fiancé is wonderful," Cassie said with an obvious smile in her voice. "Which is actually why I called. What are you doing Saturday?"

"Nothing I know of," she replied. She actually had plans with Luke she couldn't really talk about, but nothing she couldn't shuffle around for Cassie. "Why?"

"Cause I'm getting married at three o'clock," she said with more happiness in her voice than Jenna had ever heard.

"WHAT?! Oh my gosh! That's awesome! How are you going to pull that off?" Jenna asked with a shocked smile. She knew Cassie could do just about anything. When Jenna thought about it, she really wasn't surprised Cassie could put together a wedding only weeks after her engagement.
 

"Easy," Cassie said in peaceful happiness. "You're shopping with me this evening for a dress. I'm going for thrift-store-chic, of course, and we already called the minister. We're going to be outside, just me and Scott, his parents, Marcus and Erin, and you. Those are all the important people in our lives. We don't need more than that."

Jenna teared up. "That sounds perfect. God, I'm so happy for you, Cass."

"Thanks, Jen. Me too," she almost whispered, sounding choked up herself. "So can I come pick you up right now? There's a Goodwill calling my name."

"Calling Cassie Merchant! Your new name sounds so good," Jenna beamed. "I'll be ready when you get here."
 

And there it was, another moment of unparalleled
 
happiness for her friend that Jenna wondered if she'd ever experience for herself. She hated thinking along those lines. She didn't want any less for her friends, but she hoped as much for herself.

By the time Cassie got to Jenna's duplex, Erin was with her and the three of them were ready to shop. What a fun girls' night out. Jenna forced herself to focus on Cassie and Scott rather than her own frustrations. Finding a happy focus wasn't too difficult around Cassie's radiating bliss. Only about twenty minutes into shopping, Jenna forgot about her troubles completely.
 

Cassie didn't take long to find the dress. That girl had an eye for style. Well, for
her
style anyway. She chose a beautiful lacy dress in Scott's favorite "swimming-pool blue" and she smiled so widely.
 

"He's going to love this," she said with dreamy happiness. Cassie spent her life trying to experience every kind of happiness there was. She
chose
to live that way with deliberate focus. Jenna decided to work even harder to do the same, and she wanted to help Luke focus on the positive, too. That challenge may prove to be too much for either of them, but Jenna was ready to try. She was more resolved than ever.
 

Saturday, Jenna stood in a gazebo by a pond in a park near Cassie's house. She stood with Erin on Cassie's side of the "aisle" as Scott's parents stood on the other. Smiles dominated the scene. The handsome, charming Scott Merchant waited by the minister for Marcus to bring Cassie directly to his waiting hands. Jenna couldn't believe the level of happiness surrounding the entire ceremony. Scott's parents even surprised Cassie with a non-traditional-but-totally-Cassie-and-Scott honeymoon. Jenna loved seeing the joy surrounding her.

But still, she couldn't help but think about Luke not being there. Every other person attending stood happily with their significant other, sharing in the feeling of togetherness. Her heart sank for herself and a single tear fell. With all the smiles and happy tears among them, Jenna's single sad tear went without notice.
 

After everyone hugged the happy couple, Jenna chatted pleasantly with the rest of the group then headed home. Luke was coming over in the evening and Jenna was determined as ever to try breaking through his many walls. Both she and Luke deserved to share that kind of togetherness to add to the hot, loving passion they already shared. The minute he let her in, their connection would be unbreakable, she was sure. And then their relationship could move forward and maybe even go public. They could deal with CB together rather than avoid her. If Luke didn't have his other dark baggage all bottled up, he wouldn't have to ignore the rest of his issues.
 

She got home late afternoon from Cassie's wedding ready to find the right moment to talk to Luke, determined to be strong enough to get past the usual "drop it" he growled at her. She drew her curtains again to soften the atmosphere of her apartment and put her most comfortable cotton pajama set on. If she relaxed the atmosphere as much as possible, that might facilitate him opening up. She knew something as simple as curtains and cute jammies would do the trick, but they certainly wouldn't hurt.
 

Luke showed up right around five o'clock looking exhausted. He gave her his typical passionate kiss hello, but his hand never got up in her hair. Jenna was surprised, but that was ok. Maybe his tiredness would help him open up.
 

"Hey baby," he mumbled with droopy eyes when he broke the kiss.

"Hey," she smiled sweetly as she reached her arms around his ribs to hold him for a moment. "What's got you so sleepy?"

"I worked out for
hours
at the gym today," he muttered. "I had a lot on my mind."

"Like what?"

"Like nothing I'm going to talk about, Jen. Please leave me alone about it tonight, ok? I need to crash, and I want you in my arms when I do," he said, keeping her tucked in against his chest.
 

Jenna's resolve to handle his issues that night dissolved. There was no way to tackle the mess in his head in one evening, no matter how hard she wished she could…especially on a night like this. So once again, she resigned herself to an evening in his arms but shut out from his place of need.
 

They ordered Chinese food for dinner and watched a movie on tv. Such a tame evening wasn't their usual style. Most of the time their dates were spent either on his motorcycle or in her bed. For some reason, Luke wore himself out at the gym to the point where all he could do was sit. Jenna didn't mind snuggling with him on the couch, but she knew something by instinct: he pushed himself to the point of exhaustion because things in his mind were getting even worse. A typical workout wasn't enough anymore. Jenna's heart broke for him again.