Breaking Through (Atlanta #3) (29 page)

Luke looked down at her with hope in his eyes. "I really do! These last weeks, Jen. They've been hell. I was so scared I lost you. I was there, you know. I watched that car smash into you. I watched the whole thing like it was a nightmare…and I broke. I nearly broke everything around me, too, but Marcus stepped up again and kept me from completely losing it. I finally told him everything."

"Everything?" she whispered. "Even your nightmares?"

"Everything, Jenna. And then while I was waiting for you to wake up, Cassie…well, you know Cassie. She got me to say it all again and I let her tell Scott. Even Erin sat with me and listened to all my shit. And next week it's the shrink. I'm letting it all out and getting real help, baby. Just so I can get better for you and for Sophie."

Luke looked her strongly in the eye. He needed her to see how much has happened in his mind and in his heart. This entire ordeal served as his turning point.
 

"And me? Will you tell me?"

"I'll tell you the minute you ask. But I hope you wait until you're a little better. I don't want anything ugly in your mind right now."

"You have to stop trying to protect me from everything, Luke. I'm not as fragile as I used to be. You did that for me."

"Jenna…I…"

"Don't worry. I'm not asking right now, babe, because I know Cassie's coming by and I'm still tired. But I'll make you a deal. I'm going to ask, but I'll wait until I get home. But then I want you to tell me
everything
. You have to let me in."

Luke saw her determination and dropped his head into the pillow again. Even though he already decided to tell her, he still didn't want to. He wanted to keep her in a peaceful bubble away from the mess in his head, but that would never work. It hadn't yet.
 

Finally accepting the reality of the situation, Luke nodded at her. "I'll tell you. I promise."

"Everything, Luke. It has to be everything," she voiced with love. "I have to have all of you, even the parts you don't want to share. We can't go half-way anymore."

Luke nodded again. "I know."

By Monday after Luke's morning shift with George, the nurse was going through her discharge papers with both her and Luke. Pam showed them proper care of the incision site on her abdomen and what to watch for that could indicate problems with her recovery.
 

Luke was thrilled to see Jenna get disconnected from all the wires and tubes that had invaded her soft form for the past two weeks.

"You ready to go?" he asked her with a broad smile Monday late afternoon when she was finally allowed to leave the hospital. "Come on, I'll even push your wheelchair."

Jenna grinned at him. "I hope you brought your car and not the Harley."

"No, actually I didn't," he said with an ornery smile.
 

"What? You know I can't ride right now," Jenna protested.
 

"Don't worry. I didn't bring my bike either." His smile was even wider and more ornery now. Jenna eyed him with a curious smile. He got her settled in the wheelchair and rolled her down to the elevator. "I brought
your
new car."

Jenna's eyes grew wide and she spun around from her seat in the wheelchair too quickly to see if he was serious. She winced from twisting her still-healing stomach muscles, but the pain barely registered above the shock of his comment. "What?"

"Well, I knew you'd need one, so I had my buddy at the garage find you a used Civic like you had before, same model year. He fixed it up as a favor to me. It's red instead of blue, so maybe you'll have to call it
the strawberry,
" he said with a big smile. "I figure when you get the insurance stuff settled you can use the money for whatever you'd like."
 

"Luke, I don't know what to say…" Jenna gaped while still smiling. "You shouldn't have spent your money like that. I'll use the insurance money to pay you back."

"I told you a long time ago, Jenna. I'll buy you what I want and I'll keep you safe. This car works for both."

"That's…I just…"

"Say ok, please?" he asked with a hopeful smile. "I got it used and it wasn't in the greatest shape, so I got it dirt cheap. My buddy got it running smooth free-of-charge and I'll keep it tuned up for you."

"Thank you, Luke."
 

He saw tears well up in her eyes and he leaned down to kiss her hair. "You're welcome."

By that time they were at the patient pick-up/drop-off door. Luke handed the valet the keys to the strawberry. Jenna rested in the wheelchair until she saw her new car roll up. Luke helped her up and then opened the passenger door for her. Jenna smiled up at him so sweetly.

"I can't believe you did this," she said quietly.

"Don't worry about it," he smiled. "I'm just glad I get to take you home."

"Ok, ok," Jenna smiled as Luke helped her up the steps to her apartment. "I got it."
 

"Sorry. I'll try not to hover," Luke smiled back as he unlocked the door for her. Jenna walked into her home and laughed as she saw
Welcome Home
signs, flowers, a teddy bear in a little hospital gown, and streamers.
 

Luke grinned guiltily at her. "Cassie got ahold of your apartment keys somehow."

Jenna smiled again and then walked directly over to the little piece of printer paper hanging under her poster. "Is this one from Sophie?"

Luke grinned even wider. "How could you tell?"

"Highlighter squiggles are a dead give away," she smiled and went to hang the brightly colored art on her fridge.
 

"I took her to lunch last week when Cassie insisted I take a break. I showed her the supplies and she understood immediately.
'I draw pretty for Jenna'
she said as soon as she saw the highlighters. That girl's a smart one."

"Yes, she is. Tell her I love it."

"I will," Luke promised as he pulled Jenna into a warm hug. "It's so good to see you here."

"It's good to be home," she sighed contentedly.

"Are you in any pain? Can I get you anything?"

"I thought you said you weren't going to hover," Jenna teased. Her smile morphed into a yawn. "I'm fine. Actually, I'm still pretty tired. I think I need to crash in my own bed."

Luke smiled. "Can I join you?"

Jenna hesitated.

"I get it," Luke spoke to the floor as his smile faded. She relied on him at the hospital, but now she was home. She must have been reminded of the last time she saw him there: the morning he scared her with another nightmare, the morning he walked out after an angry show of violence. He hated the look in her eye but he understood. "I'll let you rest. Text me when you wake up. I'll get you whatever groceries you need."

"Luke, I'm sorry…" she said. "This is all a lot to get used to. I think I need some time to myself."

"No, it's ok, Jen. Whatever you need," he said with his hands up in an 'I surrender' position, trying hard not to show his heartbreak.

"Will you tell me one more time before you go?" she asked shyly.

Luke walked to her slowly. He took her face gently in his hands and looked deep in her eyes. "I love you.
I love you.
" He kissed her gently and then with the slightest bit of passion. He withdrew from her slowly and whispered one more "I love you" as he left.

Luke got down to the street, kick started his motorcycle he left waiting beside Jenna's new car, and drove himself straight to the gym. Jenna didn't want him with her and he was angry with himself all over again. If he had manned up sooner, he never would have walked out on her. And now she still loved him, but she didn't trust him anymore.
Fuck
!

He walked into the gym and tried very hard not to look as pissed off as he was. Luke didn't want Marcus hovering with questions and advice. Physical release was all he wanted from the gym. Luke had done more talking over the last few weeks than he had in the rest of his life combined. In this moment, words weren't going to cut it.
 

He passed Marcus as he walked to the locker room and tried to toss out an easy-going "hey" as he went by. Epic fail. Marcus stopped what he was doing and followed Luke straight to the changing area.
Fuck again.

"What." Marcus's tone was flat and deliberate.

"Nothing. Just here to work out."

"Bullshit." The same flat tone came from Marcus again.
 

"Damn it, Marcus. Let me on the floor, ok?"

Marcus looked at Luke with an appraising eye. "Fine," he said with his eyes narrowed. "Don't backslide."

"Got it," Luke mumbled, relieved and somehow defeated. Marcus nailed his issue as usual: Luke was sinking into his self-hatred and rage.

"Good. I'm watching."

"Yeah. Fuck you anyway."

Marcus smirked and left him alone to change. Luke took a deep breath. Giving in to all the rage and hate was so easy; fueling his drive with self-punishment was almost cathartic, but he couldn't realistically dive into those shadowy parts of his brain anymore. What he needed to do was focus on was stability for himself and Sophie…and for Jenna. Allowing himself to sink back into his darkness was not the way to bring himself the beautiful future he wanted.

By the time he got out on the floor, Luke walked directly over to Marcus. "Let's do this."

Marcus face twitched into the tiniest hint of a smile. "Alright. Leg work on the heavy bag, then do some cardio with the jump rope. I'm sparring with Trip in a minute. When I'm done, see me at the strike-point for some drills. If you have extra time before I'm done, go spot the weights."

Luke nodded and went to the heavy bag. He threw his entire body into every heel-kick, knee lift, and roundhouse until he was fatigued and out of breath. He spent a few minutes working his lungs and agility on the jump rope, pushing himself hard the entire time. A few other trainees needed a spotter at the free weights, so Luke helped them out until Marcus was ready for him.

Marcus motioned him over and Luke grabbed a roll of tape.
 

"So what's with the face?" Marcus asked bluntly. He was not going to put up with Luke's silence anymore.
 

"Jenna's still scared of me," Luke said bitterly.

"I don't think she's scared of you," Marcus countered as he taped Luke's knuckles. "She hasn't seen you for weeks. The last time she did, you were at your lowest. She didn't witness you come out of it like the rest of us did. Give her some time."

"She didn't even want me to lay down with her for a fucking nap," Luke mumbled as he toyed with the tape and flexed his hand.
 

"Yeah, but I get it. And so do you. This doesn't get fixed in one day. Now lets focus. The calmer you stay, the better things get. Deep breath, because we're hitting this drill hard. Now: three-six-two…one-four-seven…hit it harder…three-two-two…"

Luke pounded his way across every corresponding pad with the coded strike while Marcus worked him to near-exhaustion. Luke was surprised a focused workout brought him more of a catharsis than a raging release would have. The physical pounding was equally strong, but worked in conjunction with his thoughts to increase the intensity of both. His rage had somewhere productive to go.
 

When he was finally done, Luke dropped his hands to his knees to hold himself up while he caught his breath. Marcus clapped him on the back. "You'll get this. And Jenna still loves you."

Luke nodded then went for the showers. He let the hot water burn away the rest of his frustration and came out of the locker room refreshed and with a better attitude. As he packed up his gym bag, he saw a text from Jenna waiting for him on his phone:
Would love some fruit and milk from the store. Thank you. Can you stay for dinner?

Luke's face brightened tenfold. Her text proved what she already said: she would still rely on him and spend time with him. His insecurities about their relationship took a temporary backseat to his happiness. A drizzly sky greeted him outside of the gym, so as quickly as possible, Luke threw his duffel across his body and got his bike speeding down the few blocks to his apartment. He parked under the tarp in the back that George allowed him to construct for the Harley then climbed up the fire escape as quickly as possible.
 

Jenna was so glad she had taken the afternoon to decompress. She needed those few quiet hours for a nap, a bath, and a chance to sort through everything in her head. Having the chance to soak when she was sore all over from the accident, from lying still for weeks, and from healing…that was beyond wonderful. Still, the small incision in her belly had to be kept dry for a while longer. The skin was healing well but nagged at her with background pain and quite a bit of itching.
 

But even more, Jenna was shocked by the turn-around she saw in Luke. The shift was difficult to believe. She still loved him, of course, but her heart forced her to be wary. Unconditional love for him was easy, but unconditional amnesia didn't exist.

Forgiveness seemed possible, though, so she focused on the Luke she experienced for the last few days. The "pros" list was strong: he stayed calmly by her side for weeks; he'd confessed his sins to Marcus and the rest of their circle of friends; their relationship was no longer a secret; he seemed determined rather than defeated; he spoke the words she needed to hear:
I love you
. How beautiful.
 

The butterflies electrified into a frenzy when she heard Luke's feet coming up the steps to her door. This was the night she would
know
. They would be a couple or they had no chance. She prayed so strongly he would let her in completely, that he would let her hold him through the difficult parts of his story. More than likely, every part would be difficult. She would be as strong as he was honest. She smiled at the thought of him finally letting her in.

Moments later Luke was knocking at her door, grocery bags in hand. "Hey, baby," he smiled softly as she let him in.

Jenna looked in his beautiful green eyes and grinned at him sweetly. "Hey."

"I went a little crazy at the store. I figured I'd help you stock up," he smiled softly. Obviously, he was nervous about their night as much as she was. She nearly melted when he pulled a small bouquet of spring flowers from one of the bags. He shrugged with half a smile when he handed them to her. "These are for you."