Breathe (25 page)

“I know it’s hard to see them like this but he is young, he has good odds, we just have to believe he will pull through just fine. I will have one of the orderlies bring in another bed for you. Talk to him, they say they can hear you even though they are asleep.”

I nodded to let her know I heard then walked over to the bed, reaching out and touching the hand that lay on top of the white blanket. I sank into the chair beside my son, lifting that hand up and holding it against my cheek. Feeling the silent tears rolling down my cheek but making no move to wipe them away. I heard another chair being pulled up but didn’t take my eyes away from Tyler’s face. I knew Daniel was there and that was enough for now, he was with us and giving us both his strength.

“Daniel, I….” I stopped, not knowing how to say what I was desperately wanting to.

(Daniel)

My heart was breaking as I sat beside Kathryn as she sat beside Tyler, lifting his hand in hers and raised it up against her cheek. There was a bandage wrapped around his head to cover the stitches from the cut on his temple. I sat there silently, not knowing what she needed and afraid she needed something more than I could give her.

“Daniel, I….”

I turned towards her, watching as she clenched her jaw, and turned her head to look at me. Her amber eyes shone brightly with her tears, but they were just as breathtaking as they had been the first time I saw them. Her face was tear streaked but she didn’t look any less stunning to me as she always did. There was a strength running through her veins that I could only hope for, a steel rod that was unshakeable. I could only marvel at all this woman had been through in her lifetime, it made her laughs just that much sweeter and the beauty of her heart that much more special.

“Yes, my grá?” She put Tyler’s hand down on the bed again, turning to face me completely. She took a deep breath, straightening her spine a bit more as if she was preparing herself for something.

“Daniel, I love you.” Her voice had started strong but by the last word was barely above a whisper but I heard her, my heart heard her, and my soul heard her. I couldn’t help the silly grin from breaking across my face. I leaned forward, taking her face between my hands and forcing her eyes to meet mine, her eyes unsure and wary.

“And Is breá liom tú. I love you.” Her eyes fluttered closed and she smiled. “You shouldn’t have doubted such a thing woman.”

“It is easy to doubt sometimes.”

I shook my head at her, gazing into her eyes and something that has been bugging me since the very beginning finally made its way out of my mouth.

“Kathryn, if Sean was your first love and you all had a great marriage, why do you question everyone’s affection for you?” Her eyes widened and she pulled back slightly. Before she could answer the orderlies with the extra bed came in. We stood up and moved out of their way, both taking those few moments to calm ourselves and take some breaths.

“There ya go ma’am. I will bring some heated blankets in later. Dr. Carter also gave you some scrubs in case you wanted to get a bit more comfortable.” I grinned when she looked down at the gym clothes she still wore and blushed, then her chin went up and she walked to the bed and grabbed the scrubs.

“Thank you very much, that was very thoughtful of him.” The orderly nodded then walked out, pulling the door closed behind him. She turned towards me, cradling the scrubs against her chest.

“I am going to take a quick shower in there.” She pointed to the small closet like bathroom in the corner. I just nodded then watched her as she walked in and closed the door. I took a deep breath then walked over to the chair she had vacated by Tyler. I picked up his hand and squeezed it.

“Your mother is a stubborn, strong willed individual Tyler. I know now where you get it. Reminds me of this old man who used to live down the street from where I grew up in Belfast. He was a cranky old man and let me tell you the story.” I settled in next to Tyler and told him the story of Old Man Clugston who used to scare all the kids until one kid was brave enough, or stupid enough looking back, to walk right up to him and ask him why he was so mean. I was Irish and we do love our stories and I didn’t mind a bit that Tyler was not talking back to me. It was slightly better than his frosty tones.

I continued my story, waiting for his mother to join us so I could find out the answers to my questions. Why would a woman who was so warm and loving, so gorgeous and intelligent doubt for one second her worth to the world? And how was I going to prove to her what she meant to me?

(Kathryn)

I let the warm water pound on my shoulders and work its way down my back. The water pressure was sporadic, as it was in most hospitals, but I didn’t care. I knew I was being childish hiding in the bathroom while Daniel sat by my son’s bed, but I didn’t want to even think about the answer to his question let alone answer it. After I ran out of warm water I stepped out of the now freezing shower using the one threadbare towel in the bathroom to dry off quickly then wrapped my hair up in it before pulling the scrubs on leaving off my underwear and bra, not wanting to put either one back on right now. I made a mental note to call Cora and ask her to bring me fresh clothes in the morning, but for now I was tired and worried and had to face Daniel.

I heard his deep voice talking to Tyler from the bathroom but I couldn’t make out any of the words. I stood at the bathroom door for a few more minutes, then took a deep breath and went back into the bedroom. Daniel was sitting where I had been his long legs resting on the chair he had pulled up with his head leaning against Tyler’s bed, his eyes closed. He was holding Tyler’s hand, as he talked to him and tears I thought were all dried up rolled down my face as I stood watching Daniel telling Tyler some ridiculous Irish tale. He must not have heard the bathroom door open over his own voice because he never looked up just continued his story.

“So you see Tyler, it was a good thing that boy spoke up and talked to Old Man Clugston. Can you imagine if he hadn’t? Just so you know, just like Old Man Clugston I am not afraid to break through your stubborn walls, and I am not afraid to break through your mom’s. I am not just a playboy looking for a quick tryst and then I am gone. I am a man who was looking for the other half of my soul, and now I know where it has been all my life. You better believe I won’t be letting that go.” As he finished he opened his eyes and looked straight over at me, his blue eyes bright with his own unshed tears. I rushed over to his side and knelt next to him, he reached out his hand and cupped my face, his thumb brushing my tears away. I leaned my cheek against his palm and closed my eyes.

“Sean was the first man I had ever loved, but I wasn’t his. We married very young and he realized at some point that he might not really want to be stuck with a wife and child. He started to talking to the girl he was in love with before I came along, the girl that he couldn’t get out of his head.” Daniel shifted and put his feet on the ground on either side of me. “We went home over Christmas that year. We were staying at his grandma’s house but I took Tyler who wasn’t quite two to go visit my grandparents who lived about 20 minutes away. Sean told me he wanted to go visit his dad to help him put a motor in an old Ford truck he was rebuilding and he would meet me at my grandma’s later.”

I stood up at this point and turned away. Daniel came up behind me, swept me up into his arms and laid me down on the other bed, climbing in beside me. I turned so I could see his face, and he took my hands in his.

“I waited all day at my grandma’s, then decided to spend the night since all my cousins had come over to visit and I was having too much fun. I called Sean’s grandma first in case he had just gone back there but she hadn’t seen him since we left that morning. I called his dad next but he hadn’t seen him all day either. I then called Sean’s sister, Amanda to see if maybe he had gone over there instead. She said she hadn’t seen him but probably knew where he was and she would get a message to him. At this point I am getting mad and told her to just let me know where she thought he might be. That is when she let me know that I was a bitch who had no right to come in and steal her brother away from the real love of his life and that it would just be better if I took my bastard and went back home to the people who actually cared about me if there was such a thing.” I paused again and took another deep breath. “I knew his sister didn’t like me so a lot of her words didn’t matter to me, but I got the information I needed. I left Tyler with my grandma, momma, and cousins telling them only that I needed to run and grab some things. I went to where I knew his ex lived and sure enough there was our car.”

“My grá, you don’t have to finish. I get the idea.” I shook my head, and finished anyway.

“I waited an hour before they came to the door. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her like he used to kiss me. She was only wearing a t-shirt and panties, nothing else. I followed him back to his grandma’s and before he went in I confronted him. I was shattered. You heard my stepmother, the one who raised me, she isn’t exactly a positive light in my life. Sean had made me believe that I was his moon and stars and nothing would ever change that. After I confronted him, I went into his grandma’s, thanked her for letting me and Tyler stay but that we would be staying with my grandma and momma from now on. I grabbed Tyler’s bag, emptied the bag I was sharing with Sean of all his clothes and left him standing in the driveway. I went back to my grandma’s and spent the next week crying and cussing him. My momma and grandma took care of Tyler and I until one day my grandma came to me, sat down and told me how my grandpa had cheated on her and how she had made the choice that if he were to come and ask her to forgive him and to take him back she would because she loved him that much but she let him know that she could live without him but was choosing not to, if he ever thought for one second she would allow that bullshit in her life again she would be happy to take him for everything he had and live without him. If he wanted a divorce he had to be man enough to ask for it instead of fucking around.” Daniel chuckled at that, and I smiled slightly. My grandma had been a fierce woman. “She told me I had to make a choice to forgive and move forward with Sean or to choose to make a life without him.”

“You did what your grandma did.” It was a statement not a question but I answered it anyway.

“New Year’s Eve, just over a week after I left Sean showed up at my grandma’s house. I hadn’t heard from him or seen him in that time. I was set to go out with some friends, and toast away the last week of my life. I heard the doorbell ring but I thought it was my friends so let my grandma answer it while I finished putting my makeup on. Then the door to the bedroom I was sharing with Tyler opened and there he was. He hadn’t shaved for at least a week, pretty sure a bath wasn’t in there anywhere either, his eyes were blood shot and he looked sick. He leaned against the door jamb just looking at me for a few minutes, then he started crying, telling me that he had made a terrible mistake and that he couldn’t breathe without me, he couldn’t function without me. He wanted me to give him another chance to be the man I needed. At that point I chose to forgive him, and I tried not to think about that horrible time but having so many people telling me over the years that I just wasn’t enough, that I was never anyone’s first choice placed a permanent chink in my psyche. It is instinctual for me to put walls up to protect myself, to keep me from getting to wrapped up with someone or something so I am not hurt nearly as badly when it doesn’t work.”

We lay there silently, listening to the hum and beeping of Tyler’s machines behind me and to each other’s breathing. My tears were all dried up, but his blue eyes still shone with his unshed tears. He reached a trembling hand up to my face, brushing a piece of hair that had fallen out of the towel and pushed it behind my ear.

“I knew you were an amazing woman but I had no idea how very much you were. To not only forgive the man after he cheated on you but to go on with him for so many years after that, gifting him with another child and a life full of love. I am glad that he proved to be worthy of such love and I am glad that you told me Kathryn. It all makes sense now.” He turned and pulled me into him. I placed my head on his shoulder, my arm going across his waist as he held me. He reached up and unwrapped the towel from my hair and started working his fingers through the still damp strands. I let the hum of the machines, the sound of his breathing, the feel of his fingers working through my hair and the warmth of his body lull me into a light comfortable sleep. For the first time in a very long time I felt cherished, lighter, and that I wasn’t struggling alone. Daniel was choosing to be with me right there in that moment, and I knew there wasn’t anywhere else in the world he would rather be.

(Daniel)

I felt her breathing even out as she drifted off into sleep. I glanced at the clock on the wall, it was past midnight and it had been a very long day. I looked over as the door to Tyler’s room opened and the tiny older nurse walked in holding a few blankets. She walked quietly over to me.

“Here are the heated blankets that Johnny promised you all. I had to come in and get the boy’s vitals so I figured I could do it.” I took them from her gratefully and wrapped them around Kathryn who sighed and snuggled in deeper once I had tucked them around us both. I grinned and kissed the top of her head gently. Then watched the nurse quickly and efficiently check Tyler’s machines, re hang IV fluids and check all the connections.

Seeing such a strong, vital boy lying in that hospital bed with all kinds of wires and lines sticking out from his body stirred my anger again. He should be at his house teasing his sister and giving his mom grey hairs instead of being in that bed in a coma. I knew that a strong hit to the temple could cause severe damage and death no matter the age or health of the person hit. I had watched the news footage of the actress who went skiing in the Alps and hit her temple on a rock. She never lost consciousness but was dead within hours of the accident. The doctor seemed optimistic but bad things happened all the time to good people.

I wrapped Kathryn even tighter wanting to shield her from anything further that might happen. I knew she was a strong woman who had been through so much shit in her life, I knew there were plenty more stories like the one she just told me. Her stepmother was a real special lady and if that was who raised her, it was a miracle she was still such a warm loving person. The nurse finished writing down everything she needed to on Tyler’s chart then turned to leave.

“Thank you missus, for the blankets and everything.” She stopped at the door and turned to me.

“It’s Betty and you are welcome.” She looked back at Tyler and then to Kathryn. “It is never easy to see your own child laying like that. My prayers will be with you all. Take care of that momma, she is going to need all the strength she can get in the next few days.”

With that, she walked out, pulling the door closed quietly behind her. Her brisk, prickly manner hid a heart of gold. “Never judge a person by your first impression, jackass. Remember Old Man Clugston.” I chuckled at my inner voice. Yes remember Old Man Clugston. He had survived World War II and had flashbacks all the time to the hours of hiding in foxholes and the constant sounds of bombs going off and artillery blowing things up all around him. He had seen many of his friends and even a few cousins blown into pieces trying to save Europe from Hitler. He was a man of many stories, he just needed someone who was willing and able to get through his walls and open him up. I had spent many afternoons and early evenings sitting with him in his sitting room, listening to his stories, even walking with him a few times down to the beach. I had learned many things from that man, including that you should never judge a person by the way others see them and that sometimes the most precious things come from being more stubborn and stronger willed then the other person.

I curled my body against Kathryn and pulled her even closer. I closed my eyes and rested my head against hers. For the second time in my lifetime I discovered a broken soul that I was determined to lift up to the light. I would solder each piece back together and make her stronger than ever.

(Kathryn)

I groaned as I moved my head, stilling my movement quickly, feeling the silent tears already running down my cheeks and feeling the mounting pressure in my head. Daniel started to move and I grabbed his arm to hold him still.

“Please don’t move. Give me a second.” I whispered softly and he stilled completely.

“Crap woman, you forgot your medicine didn’t you?”

“Yes. Do you have your phone?” I felt him moving slightly as he reached into his pocket, trying to be as gentle as he could.

“Yes. It isn’t charged all the way but I have enough juice to make at least one call.”

“Call Lily. Tell her to call Dr. Jacobs, let him know where I am and that I need my meds.” I kept my eyes closed and took several deep breaths trying to push the blinding pain back but the stress of yesterday coupled with my missing the medicine was just too much
. You know better than this jackass, now he has to worry about you and your son. Good job.
I growled silently at my snarky inner voice, not wanting to deal with my not so nice subconscious.

“Lily, hey how are you my lovely?” I listened to Daniel’s Irish brogue, loving that the timbre was just deep enough and the lilt of his words just smooth enough not to jar my head. It was like a soothing blanket. “Tyler is as good as can be expected right now. Yes yes, you can come visit later with Cora.”

I grabbed his hand with the phone. “oh god, tell Cora I need fresh clothes. I am not wearing any underwear!” I felt his chuckle more than I heard it and I smacked his chest, causing the chuckle to spill out.

“Okay, Lily a couple things please listen. I know you are a mess and I would love to talk all about it in just a moment. Your mom forgot her meds…” There was a slight pause and I heard my daughter less than melodic raised voice through the phone. Pretty sure she was saying about the same thing my inner voice had been saying. “Yes, Lily. We understand that she knows better however under the circumstances she doesn’t even have clean underwear so I am thinking that meds were the furthest thought from her mind.” He listened for a few more minutes.