Breathe (22 page)

I ordered my burger, and we ate with only simple small talk. Marcus and Preston talked about Rock’s upcoming wedding, and then football. Finally, once I knew I was strong enough to hear the answer, I asked Marcus, “Will the words hurt me?” I knew he was going to know what I was talking about.

Marcus smiled sadly and shook his head. “I don’t think so, Sadie, but that depends on what hurts you. He describes you and how he feels about you. If that is going to be painful, then yes.”

I swallowed to keep my throat from closing up.

Preston cleared his throat, “What are you talking about?”

Marcus squeezed my hand. “Jax’s new number one.”

Preston’s eyes widened, and he gawked at me, and then back at Marcus, “That’s about Sadie?”

Marcus raised his eyebrows as if to dare him to say more. “Yes, it is.” He threw his words out like a challenge.

“Hell, no wonder people want her autograph,” he mumbled and took a bite of his sandwich.

I had to hear that song. “Preston, I want to go out to your Jeep and listen to the radio. Do you mind?”

He shook his head. “Nah, the keys are in it.”

Marcus stood and let me out. I started to walk toward the door, and he grabbed my hand. I turned back to him.

“Are you going to be okay by yourself?” he asked in a hushed tone.

“I need to do this alone,” I assured him, and he let me go.

I sat and flipped through a few channels until I found one that I knew would most likely play it often, and I waited. I didn’t have to wait long. The moment the guitar began, I knew whose song it was. I had heard those exact chords being played outside while I worked in the garden. Even if this song wasn’t for me, he had written it when he had been with me. When he was mine. Because of that, it was special to me. And then his voice joined the music, and I got lost.

“
Your eyes hold the key to my soul. Your hands heal all my pain, and you’re everything that makes this boy whole. When you breathe, it sends warmth through my veins. When you laugh, my body goes insane. You’re all I need to survive. Your body is what makes me feel alive.

“Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong.

“The day you walked into my life. I knew it was no sacrifice to let you in. I wanted nothing more than to win your heart. And once I had it, my poison ruined everything. So now all I can do is stand here alone with my guitar and sing.

“Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heat is broken. How I long to be all you need. But
instead I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here, when your heart is broken How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong.”

“And that, my friends, is Jax Stone’s new chart-topping ‘Don’t Cry.’” The D.J.’s voice droned on, and I reached and turned off the radio.

It did hurt. The pain was there. But his voice had been like a balm to my wounds. I had something now that would help ease the hurt. It wouldn’t make it go away, of course, but hearing his voice was enough to ease the pain if only for a short time. I could make it from day to day if I could just hear his voice. If I could just hear my song.

Chapter Eighteen

Sam didn’t sleep at night. He slept wonderfully during the day while I worked, but in the evenings he stayed awake. Jessica seemed to be in some sort of depression, and when I came in the door, she handed me Sam and went in her room and cried. Ms. Mary said this was normal. Jessica suffered from the “Baby Blues,” so I didn’t worry about it, too much, except I wasn’t getting any sleep. Jessica slept all night, and if I tried to wake her, she burst into tears. When she cried, Sam cried, so I just left her alone. He and I bonded during this time. I talked to him about everything I couldn’t say to anyone else. I told him about life with Jessica and how he would love her, but not to ever expect a normal mom. I assured him that he’d be fine, because I would always be there if he needed me. I told him about Jax. I emptied my soul to a newborn baby, but it made it easier to breathe freely again when I talked about him. Sam cooed and smiled and kicked. He liked for me to talk, so I did. I made him happy, and it helped me cope.

No matter how special these times in the wee hours of the morning were, it still wore on me. I fought the urge to crawl up in a corner at work and sleep. Some nights Sam slept two hours at a time, if I would put him beside my bed. Those nights I always functioned better having had at least five hours sleep. Jessica and I didn’t talk much. When I came home, she went in her room to cry and listen to 80s music. I always took Sam to her before I left each morning, fed with a clean diaper and clothes on for the day. I called her from work and reminded her about feeding time because she just didn’t seem to have it together. I was starting to get nervous about leaving him at home with her, but I reminded myself she was the mom, not me.

School started back. Marcus had left two weeks before, and I stood in the yard and waved as he drove away. At first, I panicked because I worried about what would happen if I found myself back in the dark blanket. But then I remembered Sam, and Jessica’s unstable behavior, and I knew that scenario could not happen. I had someone to take care of now. I couldn’t lose it again. My life no longer belonged to me. Sometimes, it seemed like my time with Jax happened in another lifetime. But then the memories of his smile and his laugh reminded me of how close we had been to happiness. I sighed and grabbed my book bag and gazed down at Sam, sound asleep. I left my door open and left him in the bassinet by my bed. I opened Jessica’s door, and she turned and stared at me with red swollen eyes.

“I’m going to be late if I don’t go. I fed him an hour ago, and he has on a clean diaper. He is asleep in my room.” I stopped there and forced myself not to give her any directions on taking care of her child.

She yawned and stretched. “All right, thanks, Sadie. I know I have needed you a lot lately. I just can’t seem to get it together.” She sounded almost wounded.

I nodded and left her there. I didn’t know what to say to her, because what I wanted to say was “
Grow up
! You have a baby!” and I knew I couldn’t, so I just left.

My bike ride to school was short, and I was there and in the building in plenty of time to find my new locker and my first period class. People watched me, and a few whispered, but I ignored them and focused on my task at hand. I received a top locker this year in the middle of the hall. Apparently, the seniors were given the better locker location.

“Hey stranger,” a familiar voice said behind me, and I turned to see Amanda.

I hadn’t spent much time with her because she didn’t hang out with her brother and his friends. “Hey Amanda, how are you?”

She smiled and shrugged. “Great! Finally a senior!”

I smiled and wished I cared. “Yep, finally seniors,” I said, feigning excitement.

Her eyes seemed sympathetic. “I’m sorry about everything that happened and all. Marcus told me some of it before he left because he wants me to watch out for you and call him if you need him.”

I couldn’t help but smile at her words. “Your brother is a very good friend whom I do not deserve,” I admitted and turned to put the rest of my books in my locker before I ran late for class.

She chuckled. “Yeah, well, that would be because he wishes you cared about him like you do Jax Stone.” She froze and bit her lip when she saw me wince. “I’m so sorry, I... Marcus told me not to talk about Jax….”

I shook my head. “No, that’s fine. People are going to talk about him, and I am going to learn to deal with it.”

She nodded, but she didn’t seem too sure. “Well, I had better get to class. I’ll see you around later, maybe. We might have some classes together.”

I smiled and nodded. “That would be nice.”

She grinned and turned to walk away, but stopped and looked back at me. “I, well, is um...okay I don’t know if this is off limits to talk about, but is ‘Don’t Cry’ about you?”

My throat tightened as I remembered the song I had listened to countless times, curled into a ball as I let the memories wash over me. Lately, I had stopped listening to it because it put me in a mood I could hardly escape. Sam needed me, and I couldn’t do that to him. I wanted to believe the song was for me but I didn’t know for sure. I knew the chords I had heard him working on them when we were together. But I wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with me.

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

She gave a sad sigh and walked away. I took a moment to compose myself as the words filled my head. I had to get a grip and get to class. After several deep breaths, I turned and went to room 223. I started my day off this year with trigonometry. How exciting.

After two classes of people asking me questions about Jax that I didn’t want to answer, the thought of going to a cafeteria where I was going to be the main source for Jax Stone info made me cringe. I stood at my locker longer than necessary, and then went to the library instead. I could eat when I got home. I would begin on my homework. I slipped over to the tables and got out my trigonometry book and began working. My eyes, however, had a hard time staying focused, and I had to fight to keep them from closing.

“Sadie! Wake up! Sadie!” I lifted my head to see Amanda frowning down at me.

“Are you all right?” she asked, reminding me of her older brother.

I rubbed my eyes and nodded. “Yes, I guess I need to get more sleep.” I knew I needed to get more sleep. But I wasn’t going to until I got Sam to sleep during the night.

“Well, come on you’re late for literature, and Mr. Harris almost didn’t let me come get you. I told him you thought your next class was Spanish, and he agreed to let me come find you.”

I smiled at her imagination. “Thanks.”

She picked up my books and tugged on my arm. “Don’t thank me now. We may both be in trouble if you don’t hurry. And get rid of the ‘you just woke up’ stare. It will blow my cover.”

I rubbed my face and nodded.

We had to go to my locker first and switch out my books.

“Why were you in the library anyway?” she asked as I grabbed the correct books.

“Because I didn’t want to face lunch and everyone’s questions,” I mumbled

She nodded. “Well, you were missed. The only reason you were not bombarded in the library was because by the time everyone figured out where you were, lunch was over.”

I sighed and shut my locker door. “I want to go back to being invisible,” I grumbled and fell in step with Amanda.

Amanda frowned and shook her head. “It isn’t going to happen. You need to prepare yourself. The homecoming dance is next month, and you are going to be hit big time with requests to take you.”

That wasn’t even an option. I wasn’t going to date anyone. I refused to go to any dance.

“Well, help me get the word around that I don’t dance,” I muttered as she opened the door to the classroom, and we went inside. Luckily, Mr. Harris only gave me a stern glare, but said nothing. I slipped into the only free desk, behind a tall, dark haired guy whose head blocked my view of the board. I’d leaned over to write the page numbers we were supposed to read for homework when the tall guy in front of me turned around.

“You’re Sadie White, aren’t you?” he asked grinning.

I nodded wishing I could just lie and tell him NO. He cleared his throat. “I’m Dameon Wallace.” I gave him a small polite smile and searched for the page we were supposed to be reading.

“Do you speak, or do you have something against me?”

I sighed and glanced up. He must’ve been unleashing what he assumed was a charming smile. It wasn’t bad really. He was attractive enough. His blue eyes lacked the intensity of Jax’s steel blue eyes. His smile didn’t look really sincere. More sure of himself and cocky, maybe.

“I’m just late for class, and I’m trying to get caught up.”

He flashed me a crooked grin he also apparently thought was cute. “No worries you didn’t miss much. So, you single again?”

My stomach knotted. I gave him a tight smile and nodded before turning back to my book.

“What are your plans after school? I was thinking we could go get a drink and walk down to the beach.” He sounded so sure of himself and his offer I had to remind myself I was a good person and not mean.

I managed a smile and said, “I work after school, sorry.” I went back to trying to read my page.

“After work?” He seemed a little unsure of himself now.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go straight home and get homework done and help my mother with my little brother.” I wanted to add,
I am not going to be dating anyone, so leave me alone
, but I refrained and went back to reading.

He watched me a few seconds more, and then I heard him sigh and turn back around in his seat. I tried to comprehend what I was reading, but I couldn’t keep my mind on the words. I hated feeling like I was an item to be studied on a display shelf. Everyone wanted to watch and see what I would do. Once the bell rang, I grabbed my books and headed for the door as quickly as humanly possible. I needed to get away. Far, far away.

“Hey, Sadie, wait up,” Amanda called from behind me.

I slowed and turned to see her running to catch me.

“What did Dameon Wallace say to you?” She almost squealed in delight.

I frowned and tried to remember our one-sided conversation. “Well, he asked me out, I said no, and that was about it.” I kept my eyes on the hallway and didn’t think about the people staring at me.

“He asked you out?” she asked with a hushed reverence.

I simply nodded.

“
OMG
, he is the absolute hottest guy in Sea Breeze. You do know he is a quarterback, and not only that, he has several SEC schools interested in him.”