The Empanada Brotherhood

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Authors: John Nichols

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THE EMPANADA BROTHERHOOD

Also by John Nichols

Fiction

The Sterile Cuckoo

The Wizard of Loneliness

The Milagro Beanfield War

The Magic Journey

A Ghost in the Music

The Nirvana Blues

American Blood

An Elegy for September

Conjugal Bliss

The Voice of the Butterfly

Nonfiction

If Mountains Die
(with William Davis)

The Last Beautiful Days of Autumn

On the Mesa

A Fragile Beauty

The Sky's the Limit

Keep It Simple

Dancing on the Stones

An American Child Supreme

THE
EMPANADA BROTHERHOOD

A NOVEL

JOHN NICHOLS

Copyright © 2007 by John Nichols.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
eISBN: 978-0-8118-7066-5

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictionally. Any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.

SOME NOTES ON LANGUAGE AND PRONUNCIATION
Argentines commonly use
vos
instead of
tú
as the second-person pronoun. Their singular present tense and imperative verb endings correspond roughly to the plural
vosotros
of European Spanish. This changes “normal” spelling and placement of accents, confusing people outside of Argentina.

The command
dale
—“come on,” “let's go”—is pronounced “
dah
-lay.” The bitter tea
yerba mate
is “yerba
mah
-tay.” A
piba
is a lovely young woman. And
che
is a vocative used to call attention, loosely meaning “hey,” or “you,” or “hey, you.”

Lyrics to the tangos that appear in this book were translated by the author. Page 9, “Anclao en París,” lyrics by Enrique Cadicamo, music by Guillermo Barbieri. Page 52, “Ríe payaso,” lyrics by Emilio Falero, music by Virgilio Carmona. Page 100, “Cuando tú no estás,” lyrics by Alfredo Le Pera and Mario Zoppi Battistella, music by Carlos Gardel and Marcel Lattes. Page 195, “Adiós muchachos,” lyrics by Cesar Vedani, music by Julio César Sanders.

Designed by Adam Machacek

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com

To Áureo Roldán

Oh how I yearn for your gentle caress!

Here I am stranded without money or friends.

Who knows but one night I'll be captured by death …

Then it's ‘Ciao,' Buenos Aires, I'll never see you again.

—From a tango sung by Carlos Gardel

Contents

1. A Woman Scorned

2. Rich Gigolo

3. Humiliation

4. Horns for Eduardo

5. Smitten

6. La Petisa

7. Apologies

8. A Desperate Request

9. Cathy Escudero

10. Carlos the Artist

11. Ambition

12. Shaken

13. Death of a Crooner

14. Moth to a Flame

15. Spaghetti for Jesus

16. Eskimos

17. Santa, Baby

18. Big Tits, Blue Hair

19. Men Without Women

20. I Am Beautiful

21. Party Poopers

22. Greta Garbo

23. Inside, Outside

24. Cops and Sobbers

25. An Impromptu Diatribe

26. C Rations

27. Rude People

28. Tiny Brains

29. Intellectuals

30. No Illusions

31. The Man from Uruguay

32. Death of El Coco

33. Duende

34. Handsome Anthony

35. See You Later, Alligator

36. Say “Cheese”

37. Thanks for Listening

38. Escape from Freedom

39. Coffee with Jorge

40. Cataclysms

41. A Brand-New Hand

42. Epiphany

43. Six Roses

44. Cherry Pie

45. Why So Glum?

46. Cheating

47. ¿Qué Hora Es?

48. Off to Mexico

49. You Scared Me!

50. The Gift

51. Rock of Gibraltar

52. Counting Sheep

53. Insults

54. A Ticket Out of the Ghetto

55. Guitar Lessons

56. Grief

57. Flying to Morocco

58. ¡Qué Quilombo!

59. Balmy Weather

60. Face-to-Face

61. Adiós, Cocinero

62. Last Words and Despedidas

63. Memory Lane

EPILOGUE: How to Eat an Empanada

Cast of Characters

Adriana

Eduardo's ex, who “hates” him.

Alfonso

A math genius with two fiancées.

Aurelio Porta

The man from Uruguay.

Áureo Roldán

Boss of the empanada stand.

Blondie

The narrator, a shy gringo.

Carlos the Artist

A Dadaist painter.

Cathy Escudero

A beautiful flamenco dancer.

Chuy

An obnoxious gigolo with just one hand.

El Coco

Luigi's bizarre pal.

Eddie Ortega

Bagman for the Puerto Rican mob.

Eduardo

Adriana's ex, an imaginary cuckold.

Esther

Wife of Carlos the Artist.

Gino

Tall, handsome, Roldán's part-time helper.

Greta Garbo

Chuy's “accountant.”

Irene Dupree

A waitress at the Downtown Café.

Jorge

Just a kid, but a great guitarist.

Luigi

The little guy with a burnt face.

Martha

She has blue hair and big tits.

Molly

Eduardo's second wife.

La Petisa

Petite, bold, everybody's girlfriend.

Popeye

The tattooed sailor with no teeth.

Renata

Alfonso's passionate, crazy fiancée.

Santiago Chávez

A baker (who appears only once).

Sofía

Alfonso's boring, pragmatic fiancée.

1. A Woman Scorned

Around ten
P.M.
one evening in early October a taxi veered to the MacDougal Street curb and a woman got out. Adriana, Eduardo's ex-wife, stumbled on her way over to the empanada stand but a college kid wearing a CCNY sweatshirt caught her. Adriana shook him off irately. She was almost thirty, a few years older than Eduardo, and wore red high heels and a raincoat. Her hair was fetchingly tousled. She had a thin erotic face that was twisted in anger.

“I'm looking for Eduardo,” she said in Spanish. “Where is that bastard?” Her words were slurred from drinking and she delivered them with a phony Castilian accent.

“He hasn't been around tonight,” Áureo Roldán explained politely. He was the cook at the stand, a fat man from Buenos Aires. In fact he owned the business, which was right in the middle of Greenwich Village between the Hip Bagel and the Figaro coffeehouse. “I haven't seen Eduardo for a couple of days,” he said.

“You're lying, jefe. I know he comes here all the time. He's a prick and I want to kill him. He ruined my life, he brought me to this stinking country, and now I'm all alone and I can't function because I'm so upset and I hate him.”

Adriana burst into tears. She put her elbows on the stand's window ledge facing the sidewalk, buried her face in her hands, and really sobbed, all the while excoriating Eduardo in language unbecoming to a female. Luigi slipped out of the narrow alley inside the smoky cubicle and put his arm around Adriana for comfort. But when he touched her she reacted as if a lightning bolt had struck, and, lurching away abruptly, she lost her balance, pitching onto the pavement.

Alfonso and Popeye raced from the kiosk to help Adriana. But she got up quickly, shaking her finger at Luigi, who was a little guy with cauliflower ears and terribly burnt features. She yelled, “Stay away from me you ugly jerk!”

Her face was already streaked with mascara. Alfonso said, “Calmate, vos. Nobody here wants to hurt you. We're sorry about the divorce.”

“No you're not,” she hissed back at him. “You men are all alike. You
enjoy
hurting women.”

Then she turned around and teetered into the street, waving for a taxi.

Her sudden arrival and departure provoked a philosophical discussion among us about suffering: Who hurts more in a relationship, the man or the woman? Alfonso said, “The man does, but you don't see it. We hide our emotions. Women yell and scream a lot, releasing all the tension. That's why they live longer.”

“But we treat them like dirt,” Roldán said, scooping an empanada from the grease bin and putting it on a paper plate set on a skinny counter between the alley and his cooking area, which was barely five feet square. The entire kiosk was only eight feet wide and seven deep. The empanadas Roldán sold were small fried pies filled with beef or cheese or pork, or quince and raisins. You could also buy soft drinks, pastelitos, and thimble cups of dulce de leche.

“Women deserve what they get,” Gino said. “That's their role in life.” Gino sometimes worked at the kiosk on Roldán's night off. “Except for American chicks,” he added. “They are so spoiled. I think American men are hopeless.”

Popeye was prematurely bald and had tattoos of big-breasted pinup girls on his biceps. He said, “I love the minas, and if they want to play I'm their guy. I've spent all my money wenching and I don't regret a penny. But if they start to cry? It's sayonara. I love pussy but I won't tolerate sorrow.”

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