Breathless (21 page)

My head was spinning with her words when Chaseyn finally approached.

“
Addie, do you seriously think that I don’t have a good reason for what happened,” he asked nonchalantly. “Give me some credit.”

“
Well, your mom was pretty vague—didn’t indicate there was an emergency of any kind. Chaseyn, you took it too far,” Addie responded angrily. Despite her best efforts, her voice was starting to carry through the crowded corridor.

“
I had good reason,” he said, looking down at his feet with a grimace.

“
Why don’t you enlighten us then,” Addie asked. She was making this easy for me. At least one half of my battle would be complete before I left the school. I would just need to work on part two, and she couldn’t help with that.

“
I have a friend,” he started, looking pained. “He hasn’t been doing so well, and he needed me.”

“
No phones? You couldn’t call her?”

“
Um, actually, there weren’t any,” he said.

“
Get on with it already Chaseyn,” I urged, getting anxious to hear why he had left me in such a terrible way.

“
He’s in a rehabilitation center in Vernal, Utah. His counselors left a message with my mom while we were out, and I left as soon as I got it. I drove all night.”

“
Oh,” I said, feeling guilty for my outburst a second earlier. It seemed it
was
possible that in this one instance, someone may have needed Chaseyn more than I did.

“
They wouldn’t let me use the phones at all, and, I wasn’t thinking. I left mine at home. My mom wasn’t sure she should say anything; she didn’t think it was her right.”

“
Oh,” was all I could manage.

“
I’m sorry Chaseyn,” Addie said genuinely. “I jumped to the wrong conclusion, but you still should have found a way to let Lia know where you were. She was a mess all weekend thinking she had done something to make you leave. She wouldn’t get out of —.”

I kicked her then. He didn’t need to hear any more, and I could handle the situation now.

“
I just…never mind. I guess I’ll leave you two alone,” Addie said, and she walked off slowly, backward watching us all the way.

I blew her a kiss so she would know I wasn’t upset. Then, I turned on Chaseyn.

“
So, you want to try telling me what really happened,” I asked, fuming.

“
What?”

“
Addie may have bought your little story, but I’m not biting. Oh, sure, you almost had me, but you went too far with the part about your mom. She would have told me something, anything, if she had known. And, you did that thing with your eye.”

“
What thing?”

“
Your left eye twitches when you’re lying. It’s barely noticeable, but I’ve spent a lot of time looking at your eyes, so it’s easy for me to see.”

“
Agh,” he said—a sound of defeat. “Fine, but I wish you would just leave this alone. This one thing.”

“
It’s a pretty big thing,” I said, calmer now that it seemed he was going to cooperate. “I think I deserve some answers.”

Without waiting for his response, I started walking toward my locker to grab my coat. Chaseyn hesitated for a moment before following behind. I was painfully aware of the fact that he kept at least one pace behind my own, and his hand, which would normally be woven into mine, was firmly entrenched inside his jeans’ pocket. My stomach was doing flips. I was sure that this weekend was a misunderstanding of some kind—that he hadn’t intended to break my heart—but I still felt uneasy. So much remained unsettled between us.

“
Cordelia,” he said quietly. “I did go out of town; I just needed some time alone to think about the next step. Give me a chance, and I’ll tell you everything, I swear. Please just let me pick the time and place—not here.”

Anger rose inside me. I had anguished over this for three days, feared the worst of our relationship. Not to mention, I was contending with my grandma’s inane accusations. Now, Chaseyn was asking me to wait again. At that moment, I was overcome with emotion. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Confusion. All these feelings rose to the surface and took control of my mind and body. I acted without thinking.

“
Just forget it,” I screamed at Chaseyn, throwing my bag at his feet. “Just leave me alone. You seem to be good at that.”

I started running as fast as I could. I didn’t care that the wind was swirling clouds of cold snow at my face. The ice was slippery beneath my feet, and I spread my arms to my sides to help with balance. Still, I didn’t let up; I kept running as fast as I could. Chaseyn didn’t follow.

I was torn. A part of me was relieved. The other part was terrified. What if he never followed?

I ran for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long, but the day faded into night, and the stars shone bright in the dark sky. When I stopped running, the freezing air turned my cold sweat into icy drops on my skin. My teeth chattered, and my body shivered uncontrollably. Tears streamed down my face, as I walked the long journey home from the edge of town. My mom would be home from work in less than an hour, and I was determined to keep this secret from her.

When I arrived, my bag was perched on the front step, a note tucked into the front pocket. I looked around quickly, hoping to see him. But, the street was silent. Before stepping inside, I unfolded the piece of paper to read his words.

I can’t give you what you want, Cordelia. You have to trust me with this. Until you can, we can’t be together. My mind, body, and soul—they all belong to you—but this is one piece of me you can never have. The choice is yours alone. I’ll be waiting when you’re ready.

C.

Heavy sobs poured from my lips; my chest heaved as I struggled to catch my breath. Before anyone could see my state, I shoved open the door and ran to the bathroom. I barely made it inside before the contents of my stomach—what little there was—spewed out into the toilet. I managed to splash some water on my face to remove any remnants of the tears I had gushed before my mom’s arrival. She found me dry heaving on the floor.

“
Lia,” she said, panicked. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“
I’m okay mom,” I lied. “Dinner just didn’t agree with me.”

She helped me change and tucked me into bed—the way she did when I was a little girl. She sat there for a short while, rubbing my back, humming a lullaby. Instantly, I started to feel better. But, I knew my heart would ache when she left the room.

“
Did you see Chaseyn today,” she asked. I had been dreading the question, but I had the story worked out. As much as he had hurt me, I devised a tale that would paint an acceptable picture of his actions this weekend. I told her the same thing he had told Addie, but I followed up with my own ending.

“
I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. At least, not for a while,” I embellished. “I know he meant well, but I don’t like how it made me feel. I think I just need some time, mom. Maybe someday…”

She nodded understandingly.

“
Whatever you think is best, sweetheart. You have to find the place between your head and heart that makes the most sense.”

She was right. My heart ached to be with him, but my head said that I needed to know the full story before I could return to him.

“
You’re so young, Lia. Your hormones are all mixed up, and it’s not your fault. It’s not his either. Remember that, and base your decision on that. He really cares about you, Lia. I respect that.”

She got up, kissed my forehead, and paused at the door. She turned off the light and pulled the door closed behind her. In the dark quiet of my room, my thoughts were overwhelming, unbearable. Try as I might to close my eyes and will myself to sleep, I just couldn’t, so I crawled out from under the covers to peer out the window.

And, there it was. The cherry-red Mustang was parked on the corner, and a tall, lean form stood in the shadows beneath the trees. He was looking up at me with incredible sadness in his eyes. A cold chill crept over me in a way I hadn’t experienced in months. I shuddered. Chaseyn caught sight of my silhouette in the darkness, and he shuffled slowly back to his car. I wanted desperately to call out to him, but I knew it wouldn’t solve anything. I needed something from him that he couldn’t give.

Weeks passed. Chaseyn kept clear of me and my friends. In fact, he arrived just in time for first period each day, and left abruptly after the last. He never came to the cafeteria at lunch, and I rarely saw him around town. My head knew that this was the best situation for both of us, but my heart was screaming out. Sure, I had kept busy with extracurricular activities—I had joined prom committee with Addie and Chloe, and I was working as a stagehand for the senior production of
Guys and Dolls
. For the most part, my mind was too busy to think about anything outside of my academic career and work, but every now and then, when I had a free moment, I would remember the way Chaseyn’s arms felt around me in an embrace. I almost always managed to keep the tears inside now, but as my college acceptance letters began arriving in the mail, I found my mind wandering more and more. I couldn’t help but wonder if Chaseyn had started receiving his and which he would choose.

I was backstage during dress rehearsal for Friday’s opening night performance when I felt a cool breeze blow through the room. Then, I heard his voice from the other side of the curtain that separated the front of the house from backstage. This was my safe place, the one part of the school I knew I would never have to face him. And now, he was here, asking for me. He must have used my full name—as he always did—because the junior he had asked for help sounded confused. Of course, I couldn’t see anything that was happening; I was making assumptions based on the mumbling I could hear on the other side of the heavy black curtain. After several others became involved in the conversation, someone finally realized who Chaseyn was looking for and guided him to my location. Wouldn’t it have been easier if he just used my nickname, I thought quietly. Just then, the thick velvet curtain swayed at his touch, and he finally broke through. He stood before me, arms outstretched, welcoming me in.

Without thinking about my actions, I rose to my feet and folded myself into him. His clean, soapy smell enveloped me. This was right. It was where I belonged. And, I knew in that moment that, somehow, we would put everything behind us and do whatever it took to make
us
work.

“
I love you, Cordelia,” he whispered into my hair. His hand was now firmly gripping the back of my head, forcing me even tighter to his chest. “It’s time.”

With my arms still wrapped around him tight, I looked up at him in awe.

“
I can’t do this anymore. I’m going crazy without you,” he explained, looking down at me and placing a single peck on my lips. “It was never supposed to be like this, but it is, and there’s nothing I can do. You win.”

I wrapped my fingers tightly into his curls and pulled his lips to mine. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Now that it was here, I had no idea what to do next. Rob was, of course, starring in the play, so I asked him to tell Addie I would be preoccupied tonight, and I brushed off the rest of rehearsal. Where to begin, I thought, as we walked hand-in-hand through the long corridor leading to the outdoors. We had been apart as long as we had been together, and there was so much I wanted to talk about, but I knew, more than anything, that we had to get to the truth before we could move forward.

Chapter 21 - Truth

“
I’m not who your grandma thinks I am,” Chaseyn said coolly as we slid into the front seat of his car.

Somehow, he seemed to know what I was thinking.

“
I’m not
him
.”

A shiver shot through my body, and I struggled to suppress its rippling effect. How could he know about my grandma’s ridiculous theory? Surely, she hadn’t told him the same inane story she had told me. What would be the point? Fear tore through me as I wracked my brain for another solution.

“
I don’t know where
he
is,” Chaseyn added, obviously referring to Alexei. “I haven’t seen
him
in decades.”

Despite my sudden shock, the last sentiment wasn’t lost on me. Chaseyn had only been alive for less than two decades. He was confessing to something, though I wasn’t sure exactly what. Yet.

Rain spattered on the steel frame of his perfectly preserved vehicle. The sound as it hit the ragtop was painfully loud in the sudden silence inside the car. I wasn’t sure if I should run in fear from what was likely a monster or sit and listen to the man before me. My feet were like lead, glued to the floor, and I knew that, despite my better judgment, I would not move. Breaking the ice, I asked what I hoped would be a simple question.