Brenda Monk Is Funny (26 page)

The journey passed happily, and Brenda had to admit that being chauffeured in a smart car to Devon for the weekend was a very grown up way to go about things. They arrived four hours later and stepped into another world. Every other shop front was either a brightly painted, fiercely independent coffee shop or a brightly painted, fiercely independent health food store-cum-alternative medicine practice advertising Reiki massage, homeopathy, Wiccan healing rituals. Reflexology and acupuncture were considered orthodox, mainstream medicine in this town, and the more extreme end of the spectrum had barely been heard of in other parts of the country. Laura and Susie had a sense of humour about it all, thank god, but they were still very much a part of a community that did things entirely their way.

The street that held Laura and Susie’s house was too small to park in, and so Pete expertly parked his hunk of German metal in a tight spot on the high street and they walked the final few minutes to the door. Laura was beside herself at the sight of Brenda, whom she’d given up for dead. She flung her arms around her with childlike force, not really taking into account her size, and swamped Brenda with a hug.

‘Come in, come in, the spare room’s all ready. I’ve made some beer. No don’t laugh, Susie bought me a kit last year and I’ve only just got round to it. Brewed some beer I suppose I should say, that’s the right term, isn’t it? Just step over the cat, he’s so disgustingly fat these days he can barely move. I honestly don’t know what he eats, I’m pretty sure he’s being fed somewhere else, we’ve put him in a diet but it doesn’t seem to make any difference, the vet’s getting terribly cross with us. Oh god, I think I sound like one of those cat women. I don’t, do I? Here you are, just dump your stuff, is the bed big enough, do you think? I don’t know how much space you’re used to…’

‘Take a breath, Laura, Jesus,’ Brenda said, though delighted to be here.

She felt more herself already, as if she had rediscovered the light side and was now basking in it.

‘I’m sorry, I’m just so excited to see you and I’m no good at hiding things. We’ll eat in tonight. Susie’s cooking a roast chicken, which I’m fairly sure even she can’t fuck up completely.’

Brenda caught an edge in Laura’s voice but chose to ignore it.

When they all sat down for dinner it was clear to see that Laura and Susie were not getting along very well, and Susie felt like a stranger to Brenda. Then again, she felt so hyper-aware of everything and everyone these days, she had to check herself every now and then. But no, as the meal wore on Brenda became certain there was hostility in Susie’s gaze, and she and Laura barely made eye contact all night. Brenda had always experienced them as a tactile couple, but there was no touching tonight. Once a perfectly passable roast chicken with home-grown potatoes and various organic salads had been served, conversation turned to Brenda’s new profession. Susie, who had been agitated and bad-tempered all night, was in no mood for soft-pedaling.

‘Don’t you think it’s a bit irresponsible to just leave your job before you’re earning?’ Susie asked, her voice harder than Brenda had ever heard before.

‘I suppose so, but I think sometimes you have to make the leap,’ Brenda replied in as even a tone as she could muster.

‘Quite right,’ said Laura.

‘But what will you do at the end of this six months?’ Susie pressed on, ignoring her wife.

‘Well, hopefully I will be earning by then.’

‘And if you’re not?’

‘God, just leave it would you, Susie? You’re not her bank manager.’

‘I think it’s important. And I never thought
you’d
be the one telling
me
not to be socially insensitive.’

It was meant to be a joke, and maybe at another time it could have been taken that way if delivered with some affection, but this sounded harsh and irritable and everyone shifted slightly. Laura blinked, trying to take in what she’d heard. Susie had never shamed her with her Asperger’s before.

‘So, Brenda? What will you do?’ Susie was not letting this go.

‘I… I guess I’d have to sign on for a bit.’

‘So the state would have to pay for you to be an unpaid comedian?’

‘Since when have you ever said things like “the state would have to pay”?’, Laura asked, aghast. ‘You’ll be using phrases like “taxpayers’ money” next and then I really won’t know who I’ve married.’

An awful moment. And then Susie turned her attention back to Brenda.

‘Jobseeker’s Allowance would barely cover even the monthly minimum payments on the amount of debt you’ll have racked up by then…’

‘So I’d get another job.’

‘So why leave your job in the first place? It was a good job. It was the kind of job a lot of people would kill for. Do you know how many thousands of people would love to work as a journalist?’

‘Well now they can, there’s one more vacancy. Look, Susie, what’s your problem with this? You sound so pissed off and I have no idea why. I’m just doing what I want to do.’

‘But why should you get to do what you want to do? When you can’t even support yourself? I mean, maybe there’s a thousand things I’d like to do but I can’t just stop working because I have bills and responsibilities.’

She gestured at Laura, who looked at her lap. Her condition made it hard to get a well-paid job, and so Susie had always basically supported them both while Laura brought in what she could. While they were happy, this wasn’t a problem. Obviously now things had changed. Laura was very quiet and Susie seemed to know she had crossed a line.

‘I’m sorry it pisses you off that I’m trying something new,’ Brenda said, a little annoyed herself and so less charitable than she might have.

‘It doesn’t piss me off that you’re trying something
new
. I’m just asking why you have to be so
extreme
about it.’

‘LEAVE HER ALONE,’ Laura exploded. ‘JUST LEAVE HER ALONE, LEAVE HER ALONE, LEAVE HER ALONE.’

Laura was screaming now, locked into her anger and frustration. This had clearly been building for some time and Brenda wondered how easily Laura could have substituted the word ‘me’ for ‘her’ in her outburst. Susie got up from the table and walked out. They all heard the door slam.

Laura looked desolate.

‘I’m sorry, guys, I don’t know why this is happening. I thought we could keep it together for the weekend, at least.’

‘I’ll clear up,’ Pete said in a saintly fashion and tactfully left the room.

Brenda turned to Laura.

‘How long has it been going on?’

‘Since before Christmas. Something just seemed to change, I don’t know, around Hallowe’en. We had our usual coven gathering at Drusilla’s house and Susie was all prickly on the way home. She said Hallowe’en was all about “out with the old, in with the new” and that had a special resonance for her this year. When I asked her what she meant she wouldn’t go into it. She’s been like this ever since.’

‘She won’t talk about it at all?’

‘No. Not to me anyway.’

‘And you have no idea what’s bugging her?’

‘No.’

‘Honestly?’

A pause.

‘Oh come on, I thought all lesbians did was talk about their feelings. I thought that was the whole point, a never-ending emotional chat and no sex…’

Brenda nudged her playfully, and Laura smiled a bit.

‘Bed death was never our problem.’

‘I know. So what is?’

‘Well, I don’t know…’

Laura began and then stopped. Brenda waited. Laura took a deep breath.

‘I know she… I know she’s always wanted to travel more, and you know, I don’t like new places all that much. Totnes is so nice, I don’t see why anyone would want to leave and we go to Cornwall if we want a change of scene.’

Brenda bit back a remark about Cornwall not being the most remarkable change of scene one could imagine for a Totnes resident but she understood that Laura felt anxious when in unfamiliar surroundings. Once again, this had not been a problem while they were happy.

‘I think… I think she’s started to feel that I’ve been holding her back. And now she’s nearly forty, she wants to… do some of that stuff…’

‘And I… what I’m doing has made her feel that all the more?’ Brenda asked, tentatively.

‘Yeah, maybe. Although she’s right, you know – it is pretty reckless, what you’ve done. Although I support it, I mean, everyone should live their dreams and things, but still… I don’t you to end up in debtors’ prison ’cos I haven’t got any money to bail you out and nor does anyone else.’

‘I know that. I take full responsibility.’

‘You don’t have any responsibilities.’

‘I do to myself.’

‘That’s not a responsibility, that’s a life-style choice. You only have responsibilities when other people are involved.’

Brenda processed this, and felt the prescience of it given the previous couple of weeks.

‘Sorry, I sound judgmental, I don’t mean to be.’

‘It’s OK, but look, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. What about you and Susie? Are you going to be OK, or is it over?’

‘Honestly, Bren, I don’t know. I really don’t know.’

Pete and Brenda lay side by side in the double bed in Laura and Susie’s spare room. Laura had taken a herbal sleeping pill and gone to bed. Susie had yet to come home.

‘Do you agree with her, then?’ Brenda asked.

‘About what?’

‘You know what.’

‘No, not doing this. You tell me what you want to know. I’m not going to guess.’

‘Do you agree that I’m reckless and stupid for wanting to be a comedian?’

‘No, I don’t think you’re reckless and stupid for wanting to be a comedian.’

‘So what do you think?’

‘I think it’s great that you’re following your dream.’

‘But…’

‘But nothing.’

‘No, there was a but there, Pete. What comes after it?’

‘I come after your butt.’

‘Don’t make shit jokes, I’m trying to have a proper conversation.’

‘Oh god, Brenda, please… I don’t want to do this now. I thought this was going to be a nice weekend away, not some sort of Relate conference.’

‘Do you think I should have quit my job?’

Pete pushed himself up on one elbow and looked Brenda straight in the eye.

‘Do
you
think you should have quit your job?’

‘I… I don’t… yes, yes I do, of course I do. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done it, would I?’

Brenda was aware she sounded defensive but this only aggravated the situation.

‘OK, fine, good. If you’re fine with it then what does it matter what anyone else thinks?’

‘Oh fuck off, Pete, don’t be all like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like all Mr Perfect and rational and whatever.’

‘Oh, OK, sorry. What shall I do? Throw something out the window and scream “if anyone wants me I’ll be in the lake?” Is that the kind of thing you’re after?’

‘Well, it would make a nice change. Not everyone can be so in control and sorted and perfect with all amazing, tasteful furniture and white sheets that make everyone feel dirty all the time.’

‘What are you talking about now?’

‘Just leave me alone. You clearly don’t understand, so there’s no point me trying to explain. Just stop judging me.’

‘I’m not judging you.’

‘But you are, though. You are. Everyone is.’

‘No, not everyone. You may be surprised to learn that most people couldn’t give a shit what you do. Most people aren’t even aware you fucking exist.’

Brenda flared her nostrils and rolled over. Pete waited a moment and then picked up his pillow, got out of bed, took a blanket from the top of the wardrobe and settled down to sleep on the floor.

When Brenda woke up the next morning, a cold, blue Northerly light filled the room. Pete was snoring, spreadeagled on the carpet. She slipped out of the room and went downstairs. Susie was in the kitchen making toast. She looked up as Brenda came in and then looked back down at her plate.

‘Morning,’ said Susie.

‘Morning,’ said Brenda.

There was no further speaking while Brenda made herself a cup of tea. Then Susie broke the silence.

‘I’m sorry, I may have… over-reacted a bit last night.’

Brenda shrugged, though was not inclined to make nice just yet. For one thing, she’d slept very, very badly and felt like shit.

‘It’s OK. Forget it.’

‘I’m just in a bit of a funny phase at the moment. Laura and I haven’t been… having the best time.’

‘Yeah, she told me.’

Susie nodded, though she had obviously already made the assumption that Brenda knew.

‘There’s no-one else.’

‘It’s none of my business.’

‘I just feel life is… draining away somehow. I feel like I’m going to suddenly be old and I won’t have done anything I wanted to do.’

‘It’s not about making lists and ticking things off, you know.’

‘Maybe not for you. You don’t need to make a list, you can just do each thing as it occurs to you. For most people, that’s not the case. For me it’s not the case. I have to have a list otherwise I’d never do anything. I have a job I don’t like that takes up most of my time. I have to prioritise.’

‘You do prioritise. You felt like getting married to Laura, so you did. That’s a choice – no-one forced you. Just because you don’t like it anymore, I don’t see why you have to take it out on anyone who is doing what they want to do, or
need
to do, to be happy.’

‘Life isn’t just about being happy.’

‘Then what is it about?’

‘Saying you’ll do things and then doing them.’

‘Jesus, Susie, that’s depressing.’

‘We can’t all live as selfishly as you, Brenda.’

Brenda didn’t react, Susie looked regretful.

‘I’m sorry, that came out wrong.’

‘Look, Susie, if you want to do things, just do them. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, then get help or get out. I’ll be here for Laura.’

Susie raised a sceptical eyebrow. Brenda saw it.

‘Well, I’ll do my best to be. And Laura’s got all her other friends, and the coven, and things like that. The world won’t collapse if you say you want something different. You can’t sit around being miserable all the time. Well, actually you can, just don’t go around telling everyone else to be miserable too.’