Bright Side (36 page)

(Kate)

John was right. The buzz and gossip around campus this morning was unavoidable. Word has it that Ben Thompson was escorted out of his frat house early this morning before classes started. They even boxed up all of his belongings. I look at this as a victory for Clayton over
The Assholes
of the world
.

Karma is a bitch, Ben Thompson
.

I only had one final this morning, so I’m heading back to the dorms to check on Sugar again before I go
to Keller’s. I’m worried about her. The pregnancy and the aftermath are really messing with her head. She seems to genuinely want to make some changes in her life, but she lacks a few key elements to make that happen. Firstly, resolve. Peer pressure is her ultimate downfall. It kills her sense of self. Secondly, being proactive. She’s floated through life. Everything’s been done for her. The girl doesn’t know how to make a plan let alone act on it. And finally, self-esteem. Girls like Sugar do things for attention. The wrong kind of attention. And that leads to self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle.

Deep down, I don’t think she’s a bad person. I think she lacks a support system and strong role models. She’s got balls, I’ll give her that. She’s proven it over and over, even if she was being a total bitch half the time. If she could just channel that gutsy approach into changing herself she’d be a fucking rock star.

So, Sugar and I are friends. It feels weird. But it’s a good weird. And I’m weird, what can I say.             

(Kate)

Today was the last day of finals, and Keller and I decided to make a big meal for all our friends. We invited Shelly, Duncan, Clay, and Pete to join us. We shared a big dish of vegetable lasagna, a crisp Caesar salad, and salty, buttery garlic bread. The food was excellent and the conversation was better than the food. When you put six completely different people at a table entertaining things happen.

Of course, all good things come to an end. At least that’s what they say. And I’m beginning to believe that it’s sage advice. After dinner, I dropped the bombshell. I hated it. It made me feel like I was vying for attention or something when all I wanted to do was inform my friends here at Grant. Keller wanted me to tell them weeks ago, but I didn’t want them worrying, especially when they all had finals coming up. I tried to stay positive when I delivered the news, but as I watched each of them either implode or explode, I aimed for composure instead. Witnessing people I care about experience sadness as a direct result of … me? It sucks.

Shelly flinched several times, her whole body convulsed like it was trying to reject the news. She just kept shaking her head and biting her bottom lip like she was trying not
to cry. As soon as Duncan pulled her into his arms, she began to sob in loud, angry bursts into his shoulder.

Pete’s eyes were so wide I could see the whites all the way around. I don’t think he blinked for ten minutes. He didn’t speak a word. 

And Clayton? His precious little face contorted into absolute anguish as soon as the word cancer was out of my mouth. The transformation was instantaneous and so were the tears. He kept saying, “This can’t happen to you, Katherine. It just can’t.”    

There was a lot of hugging after the shock wore off, which helped me immensely. I hope it helped them too.

I’m mostly just glad it’s over so we can all go back to just being friends.

(Keller)

We’re at the studio early this morning. I brought
Dunc, Shel, and Clayton with me. Katie stayed with Gus last night at his hotel, in a suite with the band. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. Every time I shut my eyes and didn’t feel her next to me in bed I started to panic. It felt like she was already gone.

I’m tired. She looks tired, too, but then again she always looks tired these days. Still, her tired eyes are happy. They almost always are. I don’t know how she does it. Her eyes are twinkling and she’s as entertaining as ever as she jokes around with the band. They’re actually all pretty cool guys. They’re all so at ease with each other. They’re all professionals, Katie included, but they have fun while they’re working. The laughter I’ve heard over the past two days out of this group is probably more than most people hear in a lifetime. And they all adore Katie. Especially Franco, who taunts her mercilessly. I can’t feel too sorry for her though, because she dishes it right back. That’s my Katie. She’s so damn feisty. 

Tom enters, extra-large coffee in hand, and nods to the group. He’s not really a morning person so everyone nods a response, avoiding verbal greetings. The band and Katie call him MFDM. I’m not sure what that’s about. I’ll have to ask her. After Tom takes his seat next to the sound guy behind the soundboard, he clears his throat. “Everyone better be ready to make history today, because I didn’t come all the way to Minneapolis this weekend to be let down now. Yesterday was unbelievable, but you guys,” he’s looking directly at Gus, “are going to have to really step up today to even compete with what you laid down yesterday. This needs to be tight.” Tom likes Gus; he’s just setting the tone for the day. This recording needs to be perfect if they’re going to finish up today.

Gus clears his throat. “Understood.” The larger than life rock star looks nervous.

Tom nods curtly and then his face softens slightly. “Then get your ass in there and let’s get this done.”

“I want Bright Side in the other booth. You need to record us at the same time. There are too many harmonies; I can’t get it perfect unless I can hear her.” Katie sings back-up harmony on almost every line of every verse and they sing the chorus together.

“I thought we decided everyone was going to be recorded separately and then layered on top of each other when it gets mixed.”

Gus shrugs, but I can see his eyebrows lift slightly. He licks his bottom lip. Suddenly the easygoing guy I’ve seen for two days is gone. He looks like he’s going to fall apart, and my guess is it has nothing to do with the recording. This is about Katie and it’s just become too real for him. “I need her,” he says quietly.

Tom exhales, but his expression softens. He’s knows the circumstances surrounding this weekend and he’s not going to fight Gus on this. He’s going to give him whatever he needs to get through. “Okay.” I don’t think anyone could deny the guy right now. Not even me.

Tom and the sound guy converse briefly and a microphone is set up in the booth facing the booth Gus will be in.

The sound booth is quiet, which is a little uncomfortable because there hasn’t been a moment of silence for almost 48 hours in here. Shel is sitting on Dunc’s lap in a big chair in the corner. Clayton, Jamie, and Robbie are sitting on a big sofa behind the soundboard. Franco and I are standing off to the side looking through the glass out at the recording booths.

Katie and Gus are directly on the other side of the glass from us. They’re chatting quietly, waiting to take their places in their respective separate booths. Katie looks relaxed and happy, like she’s done this a million times. She’s trying to put Gus at ease. The guy looks so tense. I can’t imagine what’s going through his head. I’ve heard the lyrics. They ran through them a few times Friday night. The song is emotional. It’s about the pain and struggle of losing someone, trying and failing to come to grips with it and in the end, just giving up. I know he wrote it from his perspective, but it could just as easily have been written by Katie. It’s sad any way you look at it. Not knowing the story behind the song it could be interpreted on many different levels
: a death, a break-up, a loss in general. The lyrics are a no-holds-barred mix of anger and total despair. It’s poetic and deep and personal, a three-minute rampage. Getting through this is going to be tough. Katie has taken it in stride. She’s owning it because she’s not personalizing it. She hates pity, so it’s not sad to her. It’s almost like she’s been given the gift to tell her story. And her story, in her eyes at least, isn’t sad. Even if as the song says, she’s giving up, in her bizarrely positive mind, giving up is okay in this case. Dying is okay. It will all be okay.

Tom talks into the microphone. “I think we’re ready, you two.”

Gus and Katie look at each other. Katie says something and holds out her tiny fist toward him. Gus smiles and bumps knuckles with her.

Everyone in the booth has come to attention and we all seem to be holding our breath. Jamie and Robbie stand, like sitting is no longer a possibility, and hover behind me. Franco is bouncing on the balls of his feet and saying quietly to himself, “Come on Gus, you can do this.”

Katie and Gus each put on their headphones, adjust them, and take their places behind their microphones. Katie still looks relaxed but there’s a shift in her eyes. She’s on her game. Gus’s eyes are closed and he’s rolling his head and neck from one side to the other, trying to loosen up.

Sound guy flips a few switches and we can hear each of them breathing through their microphones.  Tom hits a button and calls, “You guys ready?” Katie takes a deep breath and nods. Gus is silent. Tom calls out again, “
Gustov, you ready?”

He sighs after a few seconds and clasps his hands behind his neck. His biceps flex with tension. His eyes pinch shut. “I need a fucking cigarette.” I don’t know if he’s talking to himself or Tom.

“This is going to be a long day,” Tom mutters under his breath before hitting the button to talk two-way to Gus, “Do you need another minute?”

Katie’s already pulled off her headphones and walked into Gus’s booth. We can hear their conversation. “Gus, dude, you all right?”

He shakes his head.

“Listen, let’s do this. This song is
kickass
. I want to hear you sing it, like
really
sing it. Don’t hold anything back. I’m excited, I’m ready. C’mon and do this with me.”

His face relaxes a little. “You think it’s going to be any good?”

“You think I’d be here if I didn’t?” She teases.

He nods. “For me? Yes.”

She nods in agreement and sighs and then a grin emerges. “Yeah, you’re probably right. But it
is
going to be amazing. Now come on
Gustov
, put your big boy pants on and let’s fucking do this.”

He grins back and shakes his head. He’s amused by her bossiness.

She winks and taunts him as she exits. “Seriously, you’d better fucking bring it, 'cause I’m ready.”

“She’s so fucking hot,” says Jamie, who’s standing behind me. He’s not being crude; he’s just stating a fact. “Is anyone else oddly turned on right now?”

The entire room—even Clayton and Shelly—answer in unison. “Yes.”

Franco elbows me. “You are one lucky bastard, Keller.”

Yes. I. Am.

Katie’s got her headphones on again. Tom calls out to them, “Are we okay, now?
Gustov, you ready?”

Gus takes another deep breath and looks through the glass at Tom. “Yeah, dude,” pulling at the waistband of his jeans, “I’ve got my big boy pants on now.” He glances at Katie and smirks.

She claps her hands and laughs.

Tom looks to Katie and calls out, “Kate, you good?”

She puts two thumbs up dramatically in front of her microphone for Tom to see and adds the goofiest grin and wide eyes. Everyone in the booth bursts out laughing, including Tom. “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” He shakes his head. “Where did this girl come from?” He means it as a compliment. It’s been obvious all weekend that Tom respects Katie’s talent. He’s fallen under her spell, just like everyone else she comes across.

Robbie pipes up, “Outer space. There’s not another one like her. The both of them, really.”

Franco laughs. “You can say that again.”

Sound guy flips a few more switches and music seeps into the room. Katie’s pre-recorded violin is low and haunting. The intro is long, which is nice because I could listen to her play forever. Acoustic guitar eventually joins in, followed by drums, bass, and electric guitar.

Kate and Gus’s eyes are locked. We’re all staring at them like fish in two fish bowls, but I think they’ve forgotten anyone else exists in this world except the best friend standing ten feet and two panes of glass away. They’ve both let the music coming through their headphones take them over. Gus’s chin bounces up and down with every strum of the acoustic guitar. Kate’s whole upper body is in motion, but it’s slow and in time with the violin. Her right hand moves involuntarily at her side as if her bow is in hand. I glance at Franco beside me and he’s tapping out the drum beat with his index fingers on his thighs. I don’t think any of them are even aware they’re playing along.

Tom points to Gus just as he leads into the first line of the song. The first two lines are his alone. His voice is low and hushed. There’s an undeniable sadness in his voice. Katie joins in to sing harmony on the remainder of the first verse. It’s muted and more of an echo to reinforce the emotion that’s coming from Gus.

Gus continues to lead the first round of the chorus. His voice builds in volume while Katie’s adds depth.

Emotion builds in the second verse. Although Katie is still singing harmony, her voice grows louder to equal Gus’s. His verges on anguish, hers provides a foundation. It’s an odd combination, but it works. You feel the struggle in both of them. It carries over into the second chorus. They’re both singing their hearts out and I know the next verse is Gus’s alone. It’s where the song climaxes. I don’t know how the guy can give any more than he already
has.

And then we find out. Gus has closed his eyes at this point. His hands grip the headphones, his back arched slightly with effort. He’s in the zone. Katie’s entire body is moving to the beat of the drums that drive this section. It’s as though the music is running directly through her and she’s been taken over. I wish I could lose myself that completely. As Gus’s words build to an all-out cry of anguish that borders on a pain filled scream, her smile is ear-to-ear as she pumps her fists in the air, urging him on. The entire sound booth erupts in unbridled cheering, clapping, and whistling. Everyone is blown away by what they’re seeing and hearing.

Katie, eyes closed, joins back in and her voice matches the intensity of his. She’s singing the final chorus alone, while Gus repeatedly cries out lines from the previous verse over the top of her. The energy and intensity in the sound booth is palpable. If I’m this amped up, what are Katie and Gus feeling?

Katie belts out her final line. Gus follows it up with a war cry: “I’ve given up on life. Or life’s given up on me. Either way I’m done.” And then his voice hitches and quiets. “Finish me.”

Katie’s still bouncing in place, eyes closed, smile wide, fists clenched, chest heaving with effort, riding out the end of the song, which is all instrumental. It’s the beginning of the song in reverse. The electric guitar and bass drop out, followed a few measures later by the drums. The acoustic guitar and violin dance intimately in the air around us. Finally the guitar strums its last chord and the haunting violin plays itself out.

As the last note ends, Gus and Katie open their eyes. Gus smiles a combination of relief
and exhaustion. “I love you, Bright Side,” he whispers.

She smiles back. “I love you, too, Gus,” she answers just as softly.

That wasn’t part of the song, but it was captured on the recording and that fact makes me happy. Hearing another man tell your girlfriend he loves her should bother me, but it doesn’t. I want Katie to be surrounded by people who love her.

The room erupts again. Tom throws the tightly rolled papers he was holding up in the air, leans back in his chair, and shakes his head. He looks from Jamie, to Robbie, to Franco, and back. “What in the hell
was that
?” The guy is in shock. “Where did that come from? I’ve never seen Gustov like that. They nailed it.” He’s blinking in disbelief.

Franco speaks up. “It’s Kate, man. She’s his muse. Always has been. You saw what they just did together. No one else brings that out in him. They feed off each other. I’ve never seen anything else like it. Musically they’re so in tune with each other, it’s like they can read each other’s minds. But, you’re right. What we just witnessed was un-fucking-believable … even for them.” He smiles. “I’m guessing you’re not going to have them run through it again?”

Tom clears his throat, shakes his head, and hits the button to address Gus and Katie. “I think we’re good. You two wanna come back in here so you can listen to this?”

A few moments later, Gus stands behind Jamie and Robbie and rests his arms around their shoulders like he needs them to stand. Katie stands in front of me and leans back against me. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head. I can feel her struggling a little with each breath. I whisper in her ear, “You
are
a rock star. I just witnessed it. You were amazing.”