Broken (5 page)

Something
else that I couldn
’t understand was my
mother’s reluctance to help me or stop my father from hurting me
and my anger towards her for this failure grew with each assault
that I suffered. My own helplessness angered me as well but my
father was much too big and powerful for me to defend
myself.

As the
assaults on me continued I became more and more illusive and
withdrawn. The constant criticism that I endured for failing to
succeed in the things that I did because of ignorance damaged my
self-esteem and self-confidence.
Anger
and hatred became emotions that never left me.

When I first
began to wear lace-up shoes my mother ridiculed me my efforts to
tie the laces myself and it was only with the help and guidance of
one of my school friends that I finally achieved success. Of
course, I was subjected to a great deal of derision by the other
pupils for my ignorance and this added to the anger, rage and
hatred of myself for my helplessness. The other pupils never
understood that my ignorance was the result of never being shown
how to do the many things that they did so easily.

Something
that I desperately longed for but never found, was a sense of
belonging. I so wanted to be accepted as part of my family and as
part of the pupils in my class at school but this was destined
never to happen. The more I was ignored the more I withdrew into
myself which only served to exacerbate the situation.

I remember
being taken to a local football game by my parents one Saturday
afternoon. The moment that my mother told me about the intended
outing I began to feel as if at last I was being recognised. I felt
as if I was finally being brought into the family. I could hardly
wait for the day to arrive.

My father
supported the Germiston Callies Football Club so, naturally, did I.
Their home was at Driehoek and they took pride in recruiting only
local players and scorning the overseas players. This policy made
it very difficult for the Club to prosper but there were few clubs
in the country with more loyal supporters.

Football was
my favourite sport and I knew all the names of the great players in
countries like England and Brazil as well as all the players in the
“Callies” team.

We drove to
the Driehoek sports field in my father’s car and I found it
impossible to contain my excitement. I sat in the back seat of the
car asking my parents a multitude of questions, not even noticing
that they were all ignored.

“
Who are we
playing against today, daddy?”

Silence.

“
Will Ron
Oxford be the goalie today, daddy?”

Silence.

“
How many
goals do you think Neville Pienaar will score today,
daddy?”

Silence.

My
parent
’s disregard for me didn’t affect
my enthusiasm though. To be going to a football game with my
parents was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. I
felt like I was someone who meant something to others; not just
someone who had to be tolerated, beaten and shouted at for trying
to be a human being.

My
father parked the car in the parking area and we
walked towards the small grandstand. People milled about and I saw
several groups of children playing football on the lawns of the
complex. I ran towards one of the groups to join in the
fun.

“
Garth!” my
father shouted at me. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?
Come back here immediately!”

I stopped and turned to my
father.

“
Please,
daddy.” I said. “Let me go and play with those children. I never
get a chance to play with other children. Please?”

“
Come here,
right now!” my father shouted. “If you don’t behave yourself I’ll
lock you in the car and you won’t see any of the game!”

I looked over my shoulder at the
children playing so happily together. Some of them stopped to look
at me. I felt my shoulders sag and a painful feeling of depression
filled my chest. I walked back to where my parents stood waiting
for me.

“
We came here
to watch the football game.” my father said sternly. “Not for you
to play football with the other children. We only brought you with
us because we couldn’t leave you at home alone. If you continue to
misbehave we won’t bring you with us again.”

My parents continued to walk
towards the grandstand. I followed them, my excitement at being
part of the family destroyed. We found our seats in the stand and
sat down. I continued to watch the children playing on the lawns.
They seemed so happy and carefree. A hollow feeling crept into my
stomach as I though of my own confined existence.

The game started and my
enthusiasm returned. I stared at the players in awe.

“
Which one’s
Neville Pienaar, daddy?” I asked excitedly.

My father ignored me but the man
sitting next to me pointed out my hero to me.

“
Neville
Pienaar’s number nine.” the man told me pointing to one of the
players.

My father
turned to the stranger.

“
It’s no good
telling him which number Pienaar is.” he said. “He’s too stupid. He
can’t even count to five yet.”

The man smiled at me and patted
me on the thigh.

“
Don’t worry,
sonny.” he said. “I’ll tell where he is and when he gets the
ball.”

My father
glared at the man but didn’t say anything.

When the game
ended we walked back to our car. My father met an acquaintance and
stopped to talk to him. The children were still playing on the
grass. I glanced up at my father desperately hoping that he would
tell me to go off and play with the other children while he spoke
to his friend. He ignored me. I decided to slowly move behind my
father and then run to the other children but my mother guessed
what I was about to do and stopped me.

“
Come and
stand next to me, Garth.” she said. “I can see that you’re planning
to run away and play with those children.”

My shoulders
sagged with disappointment and I moved closer to my mother. Why
couldn’t my parents see how desperately I wanted to play with other
children?

We finally got home and as we
walked into the house my father turned towards me and slapped me
hard across the face. I fell to the floor, stunned.

“
Your
behaviour today was appalling!” he shouted at me. “I’ll never take
you to another football game again! You behaved as if we went there
for your sake. Well, we didn’t. We took you with us because we
couldn’t leave you here alone and you were a damned nuisance all
afternoon! All you wanted to do was play with the other children.
You weren’t really interested in the game. I could see that
clearly. Now, go to bed! There’ll be no supper for you
tonight!”

I stood up,
crying miserably. I couldn’t believe what my father had just said.
I had been thrilled by the game and, apart from wanting to play
with the other children I had tried my absolute best not to be a
nuisance.

I walked to
my bedroom, took off my shoes, and climbed onto my bed. The day
that I’d so looked forward to had turned into a disaster. Was I
really just a nuisance to my parents? Was that all I was? I brushed
the tears off my cheeks and took a deep breath. Loneliness crept
over me as I though of the happy children I’d seen that afternoon.
Why wasn’t I allowed to be happy? I so longed to laugh
uncontrollably, to shout and run about carefree and joyful, free
from the worries and fears that filled my life at present.
I
fell asleep.

***

“
Thank you,
Garth.” my attorney, Paul Greave said. “I’m going to interrupt you
at this stage. You may leave the witness stand.”

I stepped down from the stand
and walked back to my seat next to Cindy. Paul Greave turned to
Judge Warren Bester.

“
Your
Honour.” he said. “At this point I would like to re-introduce
Doctor Thomas.”

“
You may.”
the judge said.

The psychiatrist stepped onto
the witness stand and was once again sworn in.

“
Doctor
Thomas.” Paul Greave said. “In your earlier testimony you stated
that sexual child abuse was not confined to girls and that a
considerable percentage of victims were boys. Do you have any idea
of what that percentage might be?”

“
The biggest
problem with sexual child abuse statistics is under-reporting.” the
psychiatrist said. “There is no doubt that a large number of cases
are never reported but from the figures that we have been able to
compile it appears that about thirty three percent, or one third,
are boys.”

“
Are the
long-term effects of sexual child abuse the same for both
sexes?”

“
Very much
so.” Doctor Thomas said. “One must understand that child abuse does
not occur between equals and the victim is always reduced to a
state of helplessness. The abuser is always in control as he or she
is both physically and mentally stronger and far more experienced.
This helplessness is devastating to the victim and almost always
results in a deep sense of shame guilt and anger. Shame and guilt
because the victim eventually realises that what is happening is
morally wrong, and anger that he or she is incapable of doing
anything to prevent it. It’s important to note that this anger is
mostly directed inwardly and not at the abuser.”

“
Why is this
inward-directed anger so damaging?”

“
This type of
anger has a direct effect on the victim’s self-esteem and
self-confidence.” the psychiatrist said. “What children who are
abused don’t realise, simply because they are children, is that
they are completely out of their depth when trying to cope with
abuse and that they are helpless as a result. No matter what they
did they would not be able to prevent what is happening to them and
unless they can come to terms with this fact, it will dominate
their lives completely.

"
The problem with this type of
anger is that it is not easily discernable because it is not
directed at other people and remains hidden to the untrained
observer.”

“
How do the
long-term effects of sexual child abuse differ from other traumatic
events?”

“
Every
catastrophe has consequences.” Doctor Thomas said. “Age, coupled
with experience determine how people react. Traumas such as floods,
earthquakes and storms are considered to be natural traumas as no
other person is directly responsible and the way that a child would
react to such an event depends on his or her age and comprehension.
But when a personalised tragedy involving the breaking of trust and
the infliction of harm occurs, it can be deadly to the
psyche.

"
Distrust is one of the most
debilitating traits in a child’s life as it is impossible to apply
selectively. No relationship at any age can survive without trust.
This suspicion of other people’s motives usually leads to the
avoidance of human contact at a very tender age in an attempt to
prevent disappointment.

"
These tragedies or abuses remain
embedded as felt experiences and have a profound effect on the
child’s thought processes. Children who have been abused are
seriously impaired and the results can take various forms. Some
occur early on while others develop slowly and often only appear in
adulthood. Some examples of the effects of abuse are depression,
learning difficulties, bed-wetting, bullying and low self-esteem.
Abused children have the capability to negate their experiences by
simple blocking out the things that they don’t understand, but this
doesn’t mean that the memories have disappeared. They remain in the
psyche, hidden by pure will-power and can surface at any time in
later life.”

Paul Greave put his sheaf of
notes down on the table.

“
Thank you
doctor.” he said. “That will be all.”

As the doctor stepped down from
the witness stand my attorney turned to the judge.

“
Your
Honour.” he said. “I would now like to bring back Garth Gilmore to
continue with his testimony.”

The judge nodded.

***

My first few
years at primary school were filled with new experiences and,
although I tried to make friends with many of my
schoolmates
, I found myself unable to
return the genuineness that they exhibited. I found it impossible
to trust others beyond a certain point and I therefore kept many
things about me to myself for fear that they might be used to
ridicule and belittle me. As soon as I sensed a relationship
becoming too personal I would withdraw behind the protective wall
that I’d built around myself. As a result my fellow pupils remained
acquaintances and never friends.

My
parent
’s reluctance to allow me to
socialise with other children exacerbated my withdrawn nature and I
suffered many disappointments as my attempts at creating
friendships failed. Fortunately the school organised a considerable
number of outing s to places like the zoo, the park beside the
lake, the art gallery and the museum. These outings took place
during school hours and although they were strictly controlled by
the teachers, they did give me an opportunity to interact with the
other children outside the confines of the school.

Although I
enjoyed my studies I soon realised that I was never destined to be
an academic achiever and my results kept me in the lower half of
the school’s academic achievements list. The same situation
prevailed in the sports arena. I enjoyed taking part but as soon as
I found myself in a position where I had to commit myself, my lack
of self-confidence would thwart my progress. As a result I was
never selected for any of the school’s sports teams. In a way this
was a relief to me as it meant that I could never let down my
team-mates, something that I was convinced that I would do. I
concentrated rather on being an enthusiastic team
supporter.