Read Broken Online

Authors: Oliver T Spedding

Tags: #armed robbery, #physical child abuse, #psychological child abuse, #sexual child abuse, #love versus indifference

Broken (6 page)

BOOK: Broken
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I firmly
believe that my anti-social, unfriendly behaviour and my deliberate
detachment from emotional contact with other people was the direct
result of the distrust that my father instilled in me during my
formative years. This suspicio
n of other
people’s motives had led me to avoid situations at a very tender
age where I would have to rely on other people as I involuntarily
expected them to disappoint me.

During the
year
that I turned ten I became aware of
a subtle change in my father’s attitude towards me. He still
shouted at me and assaulted me for the slightest transgression but
during, and especially after, the attacks on me I noticed a
prominent bulge in the front of his trousers that usually had a wet
patch on it. He also touched my body more often, surreptitiously
touching my genitals with his free hand as he hit me and frequently
coming into the bathroom when I was having a bath.

This
behaviour began to frighten me even more than the beatings did,
mainly because it was so mysterious and unlike my father. Like most
children, I feared the things that I didn’t understand.

My father had
a dark green nineteen fifty four-door Austin A4 Devon that he
cherished and, only if it required major repairs that he
could
n’t do himself, would he allow
anyone else to work on it. Every Sunday afternoon after lunch, he
would put on his blue overalls and spend the whole afternoon
tinkering with the motor and polishing the paintwork. He serviced
the vehicle frequently, changing the sparkplugs and oil at regular
intervals and adjusting the brakes to suit his driving
technique.

The garage
where the car was kept was built onto the side of the house and had
two large wooden doors in the front and a large window with small
glass panes in the outer side wall. This window was large enough to
allow sufficient light into the structure to enable my father to
work on the car with the doors closed. To help him see into some of
the more confined areas of the engine he also had a hand-held
electric lamp with a protective wire grid.

My father
discouraged my
mother and me from coming
into the garage while he was working on his car and usually took a
few cold beers with him for refreshment so that he wouldn’t be
disturbed. The few friends that my father had knew not to visit him
on Sunday afternoons. I was therefore astonished and frightened
when, one Sunday after lunch, my father told me to accompany him to
the garage.


It’s about
time you learnt something about cars and how to service and repair
them.” my father said. “You might even want to be a mechanic when
you grow up. And even if you don’t you’ll be able to save a lot of
money by doing your own servicing and repairs.”

I glanced at my mother but she
ignored me, concentrating on clearing the dishes from the
table.


Go and put
on your oldest clothes.” my father said. “We can’t afford to buy
you an overall.”

I went to my bedroom and, with a
hollow feeling of dread in my stomach, changed into my oldest
clothes. My father never allowed anyone into the garage while he
was working on his car and now he wanted me to be there. Why?

I followed my
father to the garage. He opened one of the doors and when we were
both inside, he closed it and locked it from the inside. The smell
of petrol, oil and rubber filled the air of the room. Even though
the sun was shining brightly outside, the light that filtered in
through the window left the inside of the garage dim and
gloomy.

My father
undid the latch that held the bonnet in placed and raised the
cover. I could see him glancing at me furtively, his breathing loud
and hoarse. My fear increased even though my father’s actions
seemed normal.


Pull that
wooden box over here so that you can stand on it and see into the
engine.” my father said pointing at a small wooden box next to the
wall.

I dragged the box closer to the
front of the car and climbed onto it.


Lean over so
that you can see where I’m pointing.” my father said, his voice
strangely husky.

My father
leant over the front of the car and pointed into the depths of the
motor with his left hand. As I leant over the front of the car to
see what my father was pointing at I felt his right hand slide up
the inside of my left thigh and gently grip my genitals. I froze
with fright and horror.


Garth.” my
father said, his voice strained and hoarse. “We’re going to do
something this afternoon that’s quite normal and is done by all
fathers and their sons. It’s very important though that what we’ll
be doing must remain a secret between the two of us. If you tell
any one I’ll hurt you so badly that you’ll never be able to walk
again. I’ll break your legs and possibly also your back. Nobody,
not even your mother, must know. Do you understand?”

As my father
spoke I could feel him gently fondling my genitals. The shock at
what my father was doing to me paralysed me. My whole body froze
and I could hardly breathe.


Answer me.”
my father said. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

My fear and helplessness
overwhelmed me but I forced myself to nod my head as I turned and
looked up at my father. The look of pure lust in his eyes petrified
me and I began to cry in confusion.


Stop
crying!” my father said. “What we’re doing is quite natural.
There’s nothing wrong and there’s nothing to be afraid of. All
fathers and their sons do this.”

My father continued to fondle me
and then began to massage my penis.


Put your
hand inside my overalls and hold my willy.” my father
said.

I shook my head, instinctively
knowing that what my father wanted me to do was wrong.


Do as I say
or I’ll light a cigarette and burn you so badly behind your ears
that they’ll never heal.” my father said, his voice hard and
menacing.

I tried to
stop myself but my fear was far too overpowering and I felt my hand
move into the opening in the trousers of his overalls. I began to
cry again.
Why was my father doing this
to me? I’d never heard any of the other boys talk about doing
things like this with their fathers.


Hold my
willy!” my father hissed. “And stop crying!”

I felt my
hand move further down into my father’s trousers until it touched
his stiff penis. I cringed with fear at its size. During this time
my father continued to fondle me.

As my fingers took hold of the
tip of my fathers member I heard him draw in a sharp breath and
gasp. I looked up at his face as he squeezed his eyes shut and
bared his teeth in an expression of exquisite pleasure. I felt his
whole body tense and he gripped my genitals painfully. His whole
body shuddered and I felt a hot sticky fluid spurt out of his penis
into the palm of my hand. I pulled my hand out of his pants and
began to cry with confusion and fear. I felt my father withdraw his
hand from under my pants.

My whole body
shook with fright and helplessness and I almost fell off the wooden
box that I was standing on. I sensed my father relax.


Get off the
box and put it back against the wall.” my father said as he handed
me an oily cloth. “Wipe your hand on this and sit on the box and
wait until I get back.”

My father
walked awkwardly to the garage door, unlocked it and pushed it
open. He stepped out into the bright sunlight and closed the door
behind him.

I wiped the
thick sticky fluid
off my hand with the
cloth. It was a pale yellow colour. I sat down on the box, my whole
body numb with fright. What was my father doing to me? I couldn’t
believe that what he had made me do to him was normal. It felt so
wrong. I felt my anger rise up in me as I realised just how
helpless I was. Why hadn’t I simply refused to do what I had just
done? Deep within me though, I knew that I had had no option. I
truly believed that if I had not obeyed my father he would have
hurt me badly. I began to cry with frustration.

I realised
that what had just happened here in the garage would happen again.
Probably many times. And it was very likely to get worse. I hated
myself for my helplessness. The only thing that I could do was to
blank out the memory of what had happened. In this way I would be
able to continue with my life.

I got up from the box, lay down
on the cold concrete floor and curled up into a foetus position, my
hand clenched under my chin. I forced myself to blank out what had
just happened to me.

My father prodding me with the
toe of his shoe woke me. I looked up at him fearfully, noticing
that he was wearing a clean pair of overalls.


Get up.” he
said. “I’m going to tell you once more. If you say anything to
anyone about what we did this afternoon and will be doing every
Sunday from now on you’ll regret it for the rest of your life! Now,
bring the box over here to the front of the car and I’ll show you
how to change a sparkplug.”

I stood
shivering on the box, my body trying to recover from the shock that
it had undergone. I watched my father working on the car’s engine
but I was so confused and frightened that I didn’t understand a
single thing that he said. All I could do was shake or nod my head
whenever he questioned me.

Eventually we
left the garage and returned to the house. My mother ignored me
completely. I went to my bedroom, took off my shoes, and climbed
onto my bed. I lay on my side and stared at the wall. Why were
these terrible things that I didn’t understand, happening to
me?

The following
week filled me with dread. I found it impossible to concentrate and
there were several times when I got into trouble for not doing my
homework and for not listening to my teacher’s instructions. My
mind could not accept what I would have to face come Sunday
afternoon. The days passed all too quickly and the moment that I so
dreaded arrived.


Okay,
Garth.” my father said as he stood up from the dinning room table.
“Put on your old clothes and let’s go to the garage. Today I’ll
show you how to change the fan belt.”

I changed
into my old clothes as slowly as possible desperately hoping that
something would happen to prevent the abuse that I knew was about
to be inflicted on me. My father waited impatiently for me. I could
hear my mother beginning to wash the dishes in the kitchen. I left
my bedroom and followed my father out of the house to the garage.
We entered the enclosure and my father closed and locked the
door.

Instead of
opening the bonnet of the car though, my father walked to the
right-hand back door and opened it. I noticed that his hands were
shaking. He placed a thick old towel across the back seat of the
car.


Take your
pants off and get into the car.” my father said. I recognised the
husky sound of lust from the previous Sunday in his
voice.

I shook my
head, determined to disobey my father. He stepped up to me and
slapped me hard across the face, knocking me to the floor. Spots
danced in front of my eyes. I stared up at my father as he reached
into his top pocket and took out his packet of cigarettes and his
lighter. I stared at the items in horror.


Take your
pants off and get into the back of the car.” my father said, his
voice hard and menacing. “If you don’t, I’m going to burn you
behind your ears as never before. You’ll be in agony for
weeks.”

My whole body began to shake and
started to cry softly.


Stop crying
and get into the car!” my father shouted.

The threat of
being burnt behind my ears forced me to move. I had never
experienced such pain as being burnt behind my ears with a
cigarette. The mere thought of it made me hyperventilate. I
struggled to control my breathing and removed my pants. I climbed
into the back of the car and as I did so I felt my father fondle my
genitals. I moved to the far side of the seat and glanced back at
my father. He had already removed his overall trousers and I gawked
at his rigid penis, the tip already moist and shiny. I began to cry
softly. He climbed into the car and sat on the towel next to
me.


Take my
willy in your hand and slide your hand down it from the tip.” my
father said, his voice filled with lust.

I placed my
fingers around the tip of the huge penis and began to slide my hand
up and down. I looked up at my father’s face. His eyes were closed
and his face took on an expression of pleasure. Suddenly his eyes
opened.


Okay, stop.”
He said. “Now come and sit on my lap with your back to me and with
your legs on either side of mine.”

I shook my head.


Please
daddy!” I pleaded. “I don’t want to do this. I’m too scared and I
don’t understand.”


Do as I
say!” my father hissed. “You don’t have to understand now. You’ll
understand later. Now, do as I say or I’ll burn right through your
ears with my cigarette!”

I began to cry again.


Stop crying,
for Christ’s sake!” my father shouted. “Just do as I tell
you!”

I closed my
eyes and manoeuvred myself onto my father’s lap, desperately
wishing that someone or something would stop this terrible thing
that was happening to me. My father held me firmly under my arms,
keeping me just above his lap. His sour breath wafted over me. I
felt the slippery tip of his penis touch the grove between my
buttocks.

BOOK: Broken
10.17Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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