Broken (8 page)

Heather was sleeping,
Sarah told us as we walked through the door. Heather had been to the doctor and
was told to stay in bed until the fever came down. The doctor had said it
seemed to be nothing but the flu and it should be over in a week. Then he had
given her something for the sore throat.

"And you're both home mighty early?" Sarah
said as she took William's backpack and stared pointedly at my still damp,
sandy pants that she had ironed the day before. I shrugged. I didn't need to
explain myself to her. Without a word she went into the kitchen and unpacked
William's lunch. William ran upstairs to his room while I went into the living
room to pour myself a drink. I needed it before I was ready to face Heather
when she woke up. Sarah came to me with William's lunch pack in her hand
lifting it up to show me it.

"William didn't eat anything today," she
said. "Didn't even care to unpack it. Could he be coming down with
something? Maybe the Mrs. gave him the flu?"

I drank a huge sip of my whiskey. It burned in my
throat on its way down. "Maybe," I said as I stared into the empty
glass with only ice-cubes left.

"Seemed fine though just now, don't you
think?" Sarah said. "Do you want me to take him to Dr. Harris in the
morning?"

I turned and shook my head. I walked past her and
poured myself another drink.

"I guess we can wait and see," Sarah said.

"I guess," I mumbled.

Then she left me and I heard her fumble around in the
kitchen asking herself where on earth she could have put the steaks she was
going to prepare for tonight's dinner.

I stared at the waters outside of our windows. It had
started raining as it often did in the afternoons on warm days. I opened a door
and listened to the sound of raindrops hitting the wooden deck. I sat at the
patio table with my drink, letting the humid air enclose me, causing me to
sweat. I closed my eyes and thought of
Aiyana
.
Aiyana's
eyes looking at me,
Aiyana's
mouth laughing,
Aiyana's
fingers crawling up my arm,
touching me accidentally or on purpose. I pictured her hair, her lips, and her
neck. I pictured myself kissing her, devouring her, drinking from her lips and
making passionate love to her. Love nothing like the love I ever made with
Heather. The sadness was overwhelming. The longing for being with her, for
making love to her again filled me with sorrow. Because I knew it could never
be.

Chapter 9

None
of us had
any appetite that evening. William and I sat
and stared at each other in the kitchen picking at the dinner that Sarah had
cooked, pushing meatballs around in the spaghetti, both thinking the same
thing. Helplessly thinking that we would rather be somewhere else. Back at the
beach with
them
. I felt so guilty, not that
anything had happened between
Aiyana
and I, but
because I kept thinking about her and longing for her. I was after all married
to Heather and we had created a family together.

I sent Sarah home early since I was home anyway and
wanted put William to bed myself for once.

"Can I come with you to the clinic and see
Luyu
when she comes in for surgery?" William suddenly
asked.

"How do you know about that?"

"
Luyu
told me. When we
were at the beach."

I blinked a couple of times a little surprised that
she had known. "Sure," I said. "But not a word to your mother,
okay?"

He promised me.

"Now eat up and then go play. I'll be up in a bit
to get you ready for bed."

After I had put William
in bed and checked on Heather who was sound asleep again with her plate of food
untouched on the nightstand I went downstairs to my office and poured myself
another drink. I wasn't the least bit tired as usual and knew that I would
never be able to find rest. Not tonight. Not with her still in my mind. I tried
to read the newspaper, then some of my books, but I couldn't concentrate on any
of it. As soon as I started a sentence my thoughts would wander and always end
up in the same place. With her. I suddenly felt so lonely, gruesomely lonely. I
turned on the TV to fill the empty void when the restlessness suddenly came
over me again. I simply couldn't sit still. The energy level was too high. The
muscle pain soon followed along with the sensation of them growing bigger and
stronger.

I stared out at the water. In the distance I saw
lights from the cars and houses on the barrier island. I realized I could
actually see it. Not just the lights but everything. I spotted details I had
never seen before. I saw trees on the other side of the wide
intracoastal
water; I saw houses, even people moving and
cars driving. I couldn't believe it. I saw things I would have a hard time
seeing even in daylight even with my binoculars. I even spotted a boat in the
darkness, a small fishing-boat with no lights and a guy in it pulling the nets
and loads of fish into the empty boat. I could even tell the color of the
bucket he threw them in. It was blue. Dark blue and it had a crack in the right
side. I followed the fisherman and was quite amazed to watch him cut the fish
open and clean them with a small knife. I saw the entrails as he gutted each
fish. This was extraordinary, I thought. I walked outside and started watching
everything, really
watching
it.
Small animals crawling up the trunks of the palm-trees, squirrels, roaches,
even small ants. Every movement attracted my attention immediately. I could
hear them as well. I could hear them crawl and eat. The yard was so filled with
sounds it was overwhelming. I went back inside and closed the French doors
behind me. Then I went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection. Just as I
has expected the glowing eyes were back. So were the growing muscles. I was
changing somehow. But what was I becoming? What was happening to me? I stared
in the darkness of the bathroom at all the little details I had never noticed
before, dust, dirt in the corners, and a hair on the floor. I broke into a
sweat and had to get my shirt off. Where did that sudden, intense heat come
from? It was as if my entire body was burning, my blood was near to boiling.

Then something new happened. Something I hadn't felt
or seen before. There was a burning sensation on both sides of my arm. I looked
at it and noticed four glowing spots on it. Two on top and two on the bottom.
They were glowing in the dark when a bright light seemed to emerge from all
four spots, as if there were holes in the skin and light was emanating from
inside of my body. I remembered those exact spots and where they came from. It
was where the jaguar had bitten me ten years ago when it had pulled me to the
shore, after attacking the alligators and saving my life. These were the four
spots where its teeth had pierced my skin. I never thought about it since it
had healed so nicely and quick and never left a mark or scars like the bites from
the alligators. Tonight they were remarkably shiny on my skin. Next my entire
body started to shake, as if it was about to explode, the light was inside of
me and wanted to burst out by breaking my body up in atoms. I had to bend over
and hold on to the sink as my body shivered in waves. My muscles grew harder
and stronger and soon I had to take off my pants as well to not tear them. Soon
I was naked. I was sweating heavily. My fingers were hurting badly. I watched
in pain as they grew and changed. I looked in the mirror and touched my face
with what appeared to be more like claws than fingers.  The skin of my
face was covered with short and very glossy hairs, of a dusky color. And what
was that? My face wrenched in pain as something grew out of my head. I lifted
my claw-like hand and touched these small soft but pointy black things growing
out of my scalp.
 
Were those ears?
Then I felt my nose change as more black glossy hair grew out of my face and
soon covered all my skin. Long hairs grew from above each eye, and long
whiskers on the upper lip. Whiskers? Could that be? I stared at my feet that
now bore the resemblance to the paws of a cat just like my hands did, including
a sharp claw in each toe. Claws I soon controlled with great ease.

I was scared but never panicked. Somehow I knew what
was happening. I had felt it coming for a long time now. Maybe even for years.
I had dreamt about it, felt changes within my body and maybe even wanted this
to happen. It was scary but still I felt a sense of relief. My body had wanted
this, longing for this transformation to finally show up and take over. It was
strange but I welcomed it.

Soon my face and hands were covered with the blackest
fur; even my back and chest sprouted these soft glossy hairs. I touched them
and felt their softness. It was growing really fast now out of every pore of
the body. It was painful but little by little I seemed to get used to it as my
body changed.

The worst part had to be growing the tail. That long
thick black snake that had to grow from the lower part of my back. As it
started to poke out through my skin I bent over in agony. I screamed out as the
tail grew longer and longer. Suddenly the pain stopped. Very carefully I tried
to move and realized my transformation was over. I looked at myself in the full
body mirror on the back of the bathroom door and stared directly at a black
jaguar or a black panther as some would call it. But I knew it was a jaguar.
I
was a jaguar.

I needed to get out. I no
longer could stay inside a house. What if William woke up and came downstairs?
What if someone saw me like this? I walked on all four legs and ran through my
living room through the French doors into the yard, where the full moon was
staring at me from above the water leaving a thick trail of light on the
surface. The entire world was pulsing with life; I had come to life and saw the
world for the first time. Really saw it. I was surrounded by the sounds of the
entire night world; it was pulsing and breathing with me. I was one with the night.
 
But I had no idea that I was any longer,
no idea what I was or what this meant for me. All I knew was I needed to run.
All fibers in my body wanted to leap and run for the swamps. Run to kill.

I turned around and flexed my powerful arms that were
now legs. I sprang forward into the road. I ran through the city, jumping to
the roof of a single-story house like a cat leaps on a fence or something high
up, just even more forceful, unseen by people in cars or walking in the
streets. From there I easily jumped from roof to roof like the animal I had
become. I ran and leaped and soon I had cleared the entire town and could
easily hide by the side of the road while running towards the Twelve Mile
Swamps.

This was place where it had all begun on a night much
like this ten years ago.

Chapter 10

Never
had I felt
such power in my body, nor had such
freedom. The swamps were calling for me, like every living animal in there
called my name in the night. I longed to feel the moist soil under my feet; I
desired the taste of the blood of my prey.

I plunged into the dark swamps my eyes guiding the
way. The swamps came alive to me then, constantly vibrant and pulsating. Never
had I seen so much life in the trees, waters, on the ground. I fell in love
with the place once again, as I had done back ten years ago when I had come
there to visit
Aiyana
as the jaguar.
Aiyana
! I wondered if she were here as well. Hunting for
meat and blood that I craved so deeply and instinctively right now.

I climbed an enormous tree by first leaping to a
branch high up and then dug my claws into the bark and pulled myself up to the
top.
 
It took a tremendous amount of
strength but I had just that and even more. As I reached the top I jumped from
one branch to another along the trail and managed to cling on to them with my
claws before I leaped towards the next. It was the closest I had ever come to
flying. It felt amazing, thrilling. Especially for someone like me who had an
innate fear of heights. But that was all gone now. All fear had been replaced.
With this new body, for this new creature that I had become everything was
possible. There was nothing holding me back. No fears, no anxiety, nothing but
solitude under the light of the moon.

Deeper into the swamps I went and soon I felt the
moist ground under my feet when I leaped towards the river from a branch high
up. Like the cat I was, I landed on all fours. I walked into the water until my
body was nearly submerged. I enjoyed the feeling of water in my fur. It was
like a tickling sensation. I enjoyed the coolness and laughed at the thought
that I owned these swamps now. I used to walk on these trails constantly
looking over my shoulder fearful that something would jump me or attack me and
pull me under the water again. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I was the
strongest and fastest animal in there right now. I gently caressed the four
long fangs with my tongue. My research on jaguars told me that with those fangs
and the strength of my jaws I was actually capable of killing even big animals
with one bite directly through the skull. I could crush bones with them.