Broken (15 page)

‘How come suddenly I'm the one not being fair?'

Jake started to reply and then grinned instead. ‘Offence is the best form of defence.'

‘Well, I suppose at least you're honest.' Mattie smiled back, relieved that the tension was broken. They drank their tea in silence for a few moments. She glanced up at the time, not wanting to be late collecting Max and Courtney but also reluctant to finish things prematurely here either. But it was only two-thirty.

Jake followed her gaze. ‘Outstayed my welcome already, have I?'

‘No, of course not.'

‘You're not going to come home yet, are you?'

‘No. I'm really sorry, but –'

‘I didn't think so.' Jake looked at her ruefully ‘And unfortunately gone are the days when I could have forced you. Damn laws.'

‘Yeah.' Mattie laughed, rather flatly.

‘But I've got a plan B, if you're interested. For if you wouldn't come home. What I –'

‘It's not that I don't
want
to come home,' interrupted Mattie, desperate to make him understand that she was as committed as he was. ‘It's just that … well, I'm not sure it'll work like that. And I'm …' She trailed off, unsure how to explain her fear without making him feel defensive.

‘It doesn't matter.' Jake shook his head slowly and then gave her a half-smile. ‘I'll take what I can get. As long as you can promise me that you want this to work as much as I do. You do, don't you?'

‘I do.' Mattie nodded earnestly.

‘So I'm not losing you?'

Mattie shook her head, unable to say the words.

‘Thank Christ.' Jake took a deep breath and then let it out in a rush. ‘I don't know what I'd do without you. Even if I don't deserve you, I still couldn't let you go. No way'

Mattie smiled automatically, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Because what had once sounded romantic and flattering nowadays had an ominous ring that made her feel cornered, powerless. On the Luna Park rotor again.

‘So I've got a proposition.' Jake held up his hand as if she had been about to interrupt. ‘Hear me out. I'm trying to come up with a compromise, something that gives us a chance while still giving you the independence you clearly want. And don't look like that – I'm not criticising you, I'm just trying to factor everything in. What I suggest is that you stay here and spread your wings and all, but instead of this trial separation, we go backwards.'

‘Backwards?'

‘Yeah, backwards. To when we were going out. I know we already agreed not to see anyone else during this year, but everything else was left up in the air. And I think that's my problem – not knowing where I stand scares me. So what I thought was, we see each other a couple of times a week, have set days, and go out together every once in a while. Like before we were married. What do you think?'

Despite being quite surprised by
Jake
coming up with a compromise, Mattie was in fact thinking rapidly On the face of it, it sounded like a good plan. And a way of keeping everything together without losing her hard-won freedom, such as it was. For a moment she thought back to when they had been dating, and how wonderful everything had seemed. How simple and straightforward. And she felt warmed by the thought.

‘So?' prompted Jake eagerly. ‘What do you reckon?'

‘I think it's got possibilities,' said Mattie slowly. ‘Definite possibilities.'

‘Thank god.' Jake leant forward and grabbed her hand again, grinning at her happily. ‘See? You think I don't understand but I do. I've been thinking like crazy over the past few days trying to come up with a solution. And short of you coming home, I really think this is the next best thing. It'll make me feel secure, not as shit-scared I'm losing you.'

Mattie stared at him as she grasped anxiously for the right words, knowing that this was her chance to explain herself, make him understand how she felt. ‘But what about
me
, Jake? What about
me
feeling scared, or secure? I don't think you understand how –
awful
I feel after you … like Saturday night.'

‘That's not damn fair.' Jake drew back, affronted. ‘I come here waving an olive branch and you throw that in my face.'

‘I'm
not
throwing it in your face!' Mattie leant forward, now desperate to make him empathise. ‘It's just that I
need
to tell you how you made me feel, I
need
to make you –'

‘And I don't see the point,' Jake interrupted, his smile totally gone now. ‘You're trying to rub my nose in something that I've been killing myself over. You talk about how you feel, but what about how
I
feel? Do you think I'm proud of myself? Do you think I enjoyed myself?'

‘No,' replied Mattie in a small voice. And she ignored the dissent deep within her because to believe Jake had enjoyed
that
was unthinkable. Unbearable.

‘The fact is, you can't tell me anything I don't already know. And you can't make me feel worse than I already do. Christ, if you only knew … god … doesn't matter. Just believe me when I say I feel like shit. And I don't see how rehashing what's done is going to help us move on.'

‘I suppose.'

‘Do you see where I'm coming from?'

‘I suppose.'

‘You sound like Max.'

Mattie recognised the moment for what it was – a chance to back away and lighten up. She made herself smile. ‘God, that's all I need.'

‘You mean that's all
I
need.' Jake rolled his eyes.
‘Two
monosyllabic family members!'

Mattie kept her smile in place, and nodded agreeably.

‘So the main thing is that you're happy to give my compromise a go. And we see each other a couple of times a week, and concentrate on keeping this family together.' Jake leant forward and took one of Mattie's hands. ‘And I promise you, Mat, I
absolutely
promise you, that I'll do everything in my power to make sure that happens. Okay?'

‘Okay.'

‘Well, then. All that's left to do is seal the deal, hey?' He lifted her hand up and kissed it on the knuckles, still looking into her eyes. Then he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and grinned. ‘If you know what I mean.'

Mattie glanced up at the clock to check the time and was surprised to see that it was only just past three. She stared at the clock for a moment or so, rather blankly, and then blinked as she forced herself to concentrate. Her neck throbbed dully as she turned back to Jake.

‘Well?' He was still smiling, his eyes now warm and patient.

‘Why not.'

 

T
he first time he hit her was three months after they married. He had a habit of clenching his fist when angry, but it had never been directed at her. In fact, she'd thought the habit an affectation. A rather aggressive one, but just an affectation nonetheless. And everybody had their faults, didn't they? Nobody was perfect
.

Then one night she watched the fist shake in her face and saw it for what it was – an overt act of hostility. They'd been discussing feminism, of all things, when Jake became unexpectedly heated and the discussion rapidly turned into a rather one-sided argument. The fist shook in front of her to emphasise his points, or his dominance, while she sat hypnotised by its movement. Almost in shock. And he became increasingly personal, attacking her beliefs and opinions with a calculated vengeance that was even more scary than the fist
.

Trying to hide the fact that she'd started crying, Mattie left the room but he came after her. He pushed past roughly and knocked her flying against the lounge-room door. So it hadn't actually been a hit, not really – more of an inadvertent shove. An accident, just one of those things
.

He had been terribly apologetic, especially when he saw the elongated bruise left on her lower back by the door handle. But over the next few months it became a bit of a joke, with Mattie teasing him about being a bully and him jibing her about being a fragile little wench
. His
fragile little wench
.

T
his time Mattie really thought it might work. Really It wasn't just that the plan itself had merit, but that it was
Jake
who'd thought of it. Which meant he'd acknowledged the problems and thought things through until he came up with a compromise. And he would also be doubly committed because he himself had proposed it.

The agreement would stay the same, and they would have the children on the days already decided, but with a few added clauses. On Sundays, they would do something together as a family – a picnic, perhaps, or even just a movie. And Jake would spend the night at her unit before going to work from there the following day Then on Thursdays, she would collect the children from school and bring them around to the house, where she would have tea with them and stay the night.

This plan had several benefits. One was that she would be able to keep the relationship that meant so much to her whilst also retaining her freedom. Another was that they would not spend two consecutive nights together which Mattie thought, but did not say aloud, was very important. Then there was the fact that she would spend additional time with her children each week, be with them at their father's house and monitor the situation. And while there wasn't much she could
do
, at least she could be there.

And maybe after a year of this cutting back, this form of almost
dating
, they would be able to rebuild those foundations that had somehow skewed, and start anew. Be the family she was convinced they could be.
Happier, healthier, stronger. Because she really did love him. Not the domineering Jake who shook his fist and stood over her with almost pathological aggression, but the Jake who held her hand and smiled that slow, lopsided smile that made her nerve-ends tingle. The Jake who massaged her feet when they were swollen, who brought her coffee in bed every Sunday, and who brushed her hair while they were watching television. She couldn't live without that Jake.

And she could not imagine doing those things with any other man. Ever. Or the other everyday, mundane things that make up two joined lives. Walking naked from the ensuite shower, chatting from the toilet, gardening side by side on a sunny weekend, waking up with mohawk hair and early-morning breath. And sex. Even the thought of sex with someone else was not just distasteful, but absolutely impossible to contemplate. So to finish this relationship, forever, was to relegate herself to a solitary life, one in which she would spend the rest of her years alone, a single mother just like those others at Centrelink. Increasingly desperate, and lonely, and unwanted.

But now it might not come to that. Now they had a workable plan, and a realistic chance. And she was going to prioritise it over everything else. She was
going
to make it work. With that in mind, Mattie put aside the acceptance letter from the community centre when it arrived. There would be time enough for the course later; for now, it was not worth upsetting the applecart. She would also have cancelled the Whimsicalities party if she'd been able but the invitations had already gone out. And, if she was honest, she was glad they had.

Thursday night she spent at the house, a nice relaxed evening during which Jake was so solicitous that even the children could see it was a tacit apology. And all she had to do to enjoy herself was to forget about the last time she had been there and not read too much into Max's sidelong glances. Then on Sunday, they drove into the hills, through Belgrave and up to Kallista, along a beautiful winding road bracketed by huge tree ferns and shady gullies. After a while, they found a picnic area and set up amongst other like-minded souls enjoying the gorgeous spring weather. Max and Courtney explored while she lay with her head in Jake's lap, staring up at the cerulean sky that was studded with
a few impossibly fluffy cotton-ball clouds, and Jake slowly, tenderly, brushed her hair back from her forehead with his long, piano-player fingers. And she closed her eyes and tried to ignore the dull ache that ringed her neck.

Lunch was cold roast chicken and coleslaw, fresh rolls and potato chips, with orange juice to wash it all down. Then they went for a walk into the forest that ringed the park. A forest so dense that the sky was only occasionally visible as sparkling glints through the overhead canopy. It was the sort of day that made one glad to be alive. Absolutely perfect. And once more Mattie was able to collect together all her doubts and concerns and negative expectations, and push them to one side where they couldn't intrude. This simple achievement allowed her to enjoy the moment, and to infuse it with her natural sense of optimism. And it was far, far easier to pretend than it was to unpack all the doubts and face them head-on.

But the first cracks in the newly polished facade appeared on the following Tuesday, when Mattie was collecting Courtney from her classroom after school. Her teacher, Miss Thomson, a young and intense woman straight from teachers' college, asked her if she had a minute to spare. If it had been Max's teacher, Mattie would have approached the discussion with some premonition of what was to come. But Courtney? The girl had sailed through kindergarten and her first year of school thus far with popularity and a quickness that already had her reading and doing simple maths. So Mattie, fully expecting to be told of some minor development, perhaps an altercation with another child, waited patiently while the teacher farewelled the last of the children and dealt with a mother whose son had mislaid his school jumper.

‘Courtney, perhaps you'd like to go and play outside while I chat with Mummy?' Miss Thomson stood at the door, obviously intending to close it as soon as Courtney left.

‘Actually –' Mattie glanced at her watch – ‘Court, could you go find Max in the playground and tell him I'll be a few minutes?'