Broken (44 page)

Despite having spent the day in bed, Mattie slept better that night than she had all week. But she still woke with a profound tiredness that made her feel far heavier than she really was. The sheets smelt of sweat, and sex, and were pulled together in the centre of the bed with ridges and creases that imprinted themselves on her flesh. She got up in the late morning with the vague thought of straightening the bed out, or changing the sheets, but then simply couldn't be bothered. Instead she took a few painkillers and stood in the bathroom, staring at the shower and trying to decide whether she wanted one or not.

Eventually she did pull off her t-shirt and climb into the shower, turning it on and then letting the freezing cold spray hit her body like a torrent of tiny shards of ice. Mattie gasped, holding on to the taps to keep her balance. And as the water warmed, so did she. Enough so that she was able to think clearly about what was happening to her, and face the fact that she was falling apart. But not enough to profoundly care.

She stayed under the shower, holding her face up to the spray, until the hot water ran out. Then she dried herself, brushed her hair and pulled on a clean baggy white t-shirt that had a huge smiley face on the front and the words,
Make my day!
She forced herself to change the sheets and pillowcases. Carrying the armful of dirty linen out of the bedroom, she thought about shoving it all into the rubbish bin, but her natural frugalness took her through to the laundry, where she pushed them inside the washing machine, added some laundry liquid and turned it on.

And that was as much as she was capable of. Her brief surge of energy
from the shower had now dissipated so she returned to the bedroom, pulled back the newly made covers and climbed inside again. And she was still there four hours later when Jake returned the children, right on time, knocking sharply at the front door.

Mattie was in a half-sleep in which everything was blurred and indistinct, so it wasn't until the third knock that she realised what was happening and scrambled out of the bed to answer the door. Max and Courtney came in first, with their schoolbags in tow. Max was wearing board shorts and a red t-shirt while Courtney was back in her favoured tutu. Behind them came Jake. He looked at her and threw his hands up, in a fair imitation of shock.

‘Good god, sweetheart! You look like death!'

Mattie glanced at him and then back at the two children, who were rather quiet. Even Courtney did not seem to be able to make eye contact.

‘Go on, guys!' Jake laughed. ‘Say hi to your mother!'

‘Hey Mum,' said Max, staring at her bare feet.

‘Hello, Mummy.' Courtney smiled tentatively and then, dropping her bag, threw herself forward. At the same time Mattie bent down so they met on the same level, and hugged back fiercely. Almost desperately.

‘Max.' Mattie put out an arm towards her son and he came forward, but only to touching distance, not enough to join the embrace.

‘Now, you two –' Jake picked up Courtney's bag and held it out towards her – ‘remember what we spoke about? About making yourselves scarce while I talk to Mummy for a bit?'

‘Okay.' Max backed away and then turned towards his bedroom. Courtney, after giving her mother a wet kiss on the lips, took her bag from her father and followed. Mattie stood up and looked at Jake tiredly.

‘What do you want now?'

‘Just a chat.' Jake looked at her with some annoyance. ‘Don't get excited.'

‘I'm not,' replied Mattie, stating the obvious. She walked into the kitchen, expecting him to follow, and sat down at the table facing the door. Somehow it seemed less relaxed and informal than the couch in the lounge-room. After a minute or so, Jake came in and pulled out the chair opposite, sitting down.

‘What? No offer of a cuppa?'

‘Whatever.' Mattie got up and put the kettle on. ‘Tea or coffee?'

‘Tea, please.'

While she waited for the kettle to boil, Mattie put a teabag and one teaspoon of sugar into one mug and prepared the plunger for herself, putting the other mug beside it. Jake watched her in silence while she did this, and Mattie fancied that he was rather perturbed by her attitude. But in her current state of lethargy, she didn't really feel any sense of victory at this, just a sense of dull acceptance.

When the water boiled, Mattie poured it into the plunger and over the teabag, stirring until the water took on the deep honey colour that Jake preferred. She threw the teabag into the bin and passed him the cup before pouring her own coffee. Then she sat down again, her hands wrapped around her mug so that he wouldn't see them tremble. And waited.

Strangely, Jake gave in first. ‘You're in a funny mood.'

‘I suppose so.' Mattie shrugged. The heat from the coffee mug was starting to make her hands throb, but she kept them there, almost enjoying the pain.

‘Anything you wanted to talk about?'

‘No.'

‘Look, Mattie, I'm really trying here. I even brought the kids back early for you.' Jake frowned at her. ‘I
am
making an effort.'

‘Yeah. Sure.' Mattie almost laughed.

‘Okay we can go back to being enemies then. Have it your way.'

This time Mattie did laugh. ‘Have it
my
way?'

‘Yeah, like always.' Jake stared at her narrowly. ‘I'll say what I came to say, then I'll leave.
That
should make you happy'

‘Then just say it,' said Mattie tiredly.

‘Okay. Fine. I just thought we should have a chat. Set out some things, so that we both know what to expect.'

‘Okay.'

Jake looked at her intently. ‘Like the chat I had with your mate Stuart last week.'

‘He's not my mate.'

‘Not now he's not.' Jake smiled. ‘Now that he's been told a few home
truths. But I must admit I'm a little surprised by you confiding in your sister so much. I never thought the two of you were so close. Never mind. I suppose it was her who gave you the idea to file for interim orders last week. Think you're clever, do you?'

‘Not really.'

‘You're right, you're not. Because let me tell you something, Mattie, I'm glad you got your first taste of the family court. Because you're going to be seeing a lot more of it. If you don't come to your senses, I'm going to be dragging you there every other month. The system is a beauty, and I've already studied up on it. Plenty of loopholes if I'm willing to pay the price. And believe me, sweetheart, I'm willing.'

‘Why?'

‘What do you mean, why?' Jake seemed a bit nonplussed. ‘I've already told you why. You're my wife, and I'll do what it takes to get you back where you belong. See, if you think those orders will be worth the paper they're written on, you're wrong. All they do is give me another string to my bow. And I'll play them just like I play you. Have you thought how much it's going to cost you in lawyers' fees by the time I'm finished with you?'

‘No,' said Mattie, rather wearily.

‘Well, start thinking.' Jake picked up his mug and took a sip, smacking his lips as he put it back down. ‘I haven't been sitting twiddling my thumbs, you know. I've been doing research. A
lot
of research. Like, did you know you're still entitled to some child support? Even though we're sharing custody? Amazing how geared the system is to you females. But don't think for a moment that it'll be worth it for you to apply, sweetheart, because I'll quit my job before you even finish the paperwork, and then I'll just work from home and take most of it under the table. Lucky I'm an accountant, isn't it? So I'll declare an income just over unemployment benefits, which'll entitle you to the grand sum of about five bucks a week.'

Mattie said nothing. She looked down at her hands, which had started to go numb.

‘Because I'm giving you fair warning here. If you think things have been bad over the last week or so, think again. They'll get a whole lot worse if you don't come home. A whole lot worse.'

‘Don't see how,' said Mattie with a harsh laugh.

‘Then use your imagination. You'll be watching over your shoulder every moment you're outside, and you won't even feel safe in here. See this?' Jake put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. When Mattie looked closer, she realised that they were her keys, from her handbag, with her distinctive gold
Matilda
tag. Jake slid her car key off the key-ring and passed it over, and then the original key to her unit.

‘How . . . ?'

Jake shoved the remaining keys, with the tag, back into his pocket and shook his head at her sadly. ‘You don't
think
enough, Mattie, that's your problem. Leaving your handbag in the lounge-room with me was really pretty stupid. Even for you. So what now? Change all the locks again? Must be getting expensive. And I bet your landlord doesn't know, either. Might have to give him a ring tomorrow.'

‘God.'

‘I won't give up, you know.' Jake leant closer to emphasise his words.
‘Ever
. So your choice is between a life like this, or a life with me. And you have to admit that it wasn't that bad. We had our good times. Lots of them. Look at last night – you can't pretend you didn't want me too. Come on, Mat, what do you say? We can even get counselling if that's what you really want.'

Mattie shook her head, unable to say the words.

‘Christ.' Jake stared at her, clearly irritated by her stubbornness. ‘There's no pleasing you, is there?' He sighed, sat back again and then watched her closely. ‘Well, I'll tell you something else for free. If you get any bright ideas about double-crossing me somehow in this hearing in a couple of weeks, like going for full custody instead of shared, then one weekend I simply won't bring them back. I'll take off with them. And you'll only have yourself to blame.'

Mattie frowned. ‘What are you saying?'

‘That you're not going to take my kids away from me. No bloody way.'

‘You
can't
take off with them. The police'd be after you like a shot.'

‘Want to try it and see?' Jake smiled at her challengingly. ‘The only
way you'd ever see them again would be if I got caught, and then you'd be seeing them in a casket.'

‘You're not serious.'

‘I am deadly serious.' Jake took another sip of tea and then looked at her again. ‘Read the papers. Blokes do it all the time, because it's much more effective than just doing away with the wife. This way you hit her where it hurts, and leave her to live with it. She can regret what she did for the rest of her life, and it serves her bloody right. And don't for a moment think I wouldn't do it. You're not having them, Mattie. Face it.'

Mattie shook her head. ‘You wouldn't.'

‘Want to try me? See, your problem is that you want everything to go your way, and when anyone throws a spanner in the works, you act like you're a victim. Look at what you've done lately. First you convince me to let you move out, and you say it's only temporary, then as soon as I help you get settled, you announce that it's all over.' Jake's mouth thinned. ‘And you expect me to just roll over and take it. You're trying to destroy our marriage and you're also trying to destroy our kids, just because that's what you
think
you want at the moment. But you're only thinking of yourself, as usual. By the way, did you know our son's been suspended?'

Mattie had been trying to let the words simply wash over her without settling, but this last question bit deep. She stared at Jake, stunned into silence by the fact that she had totally forgotten about Max's suspension. What did that say about her?

‘That's right,' continued Jake, clearly pleased to get a reaction. ‘For beating up some other kid. He's not allowed back to school till Wednesday So you can chalk that up to your leaving too. Well done. But I've already disciplined him, not that you look like you care.'

‘I
do
care,' flashed Mattie, as her mind ran a trailer of Max, standing in front of his father and stammering as he tried to explain his aggression. She clenched her hands around the mug and felt the hypocrisy churn in her gut. And all of a sudden her lethargy broke apart, like a cocoon, to reveal a blind fury that had been growing within it all the time, disguised by the blandness of its shell. She snatched her hands away and they felt like they were on fire. ‘You're nothing but a fucking hypocrite.'

‘What?'

‘You heard me.' Mattie glared at him, her teeth grinding together so hard that her mouth trembled.

‘What
did you say?'

Mattie prised her teeth apart and felt her nostrils flare instead. ‘I said you're a fucking hypocrite. And you are. You beat up on me all the time, but that's fine. Yet you have the damn gall to discipline him when he copies you. You should be ashamed of yourself.'

Jake was looking at her, astounded. ‘Why you bitch.'

‘And you keep saying that it's all my fault for leaving but that's only because you don't have the guts to admit the reason I left was because you're such an arsehole. A fucking bully who beats up on people smaller than himself whenever he doesn't get his own way. Or just intimidates them, like ringing up Liz and threatening her
baby
. What a fucking hero you are. You know, we had everything, we
could
have had everything, but you fucked it up. Not me, idiot,
you
.'

As Mattie momentarily ran out of steam, Jake leapt up from his chair, pushing it away so fiercely that it rocked back on its two rear legs and teetered for a moment before settling again, with a thud. Mattie watched him without moving. Instead of fear, she felt fatalism. What will be, will be. And a stray thought shot through her mind that at least now Hannah would be pleased, she'd be able to get her photos after all. This thought struck her as incredibly funny, and a giggle bubbled up in her throat, bursting out with a slight edge of hysteria.