Broken (42 page)

‘You don't really mean that,' Jake said confidently. ‘Your problem is that you don't know what's good for you. You never have, and that's why you need me.'

‘Jake, listen to me.' Mattie pulled the cord off her finger and held her hand out, watching it tremble. ‘You can't do this. If I'm meant to be with you, then eventually I'll come back. But you have to give me this time to decide for myself. You can't
force
me. It's not fair.'

‘Ah, but all's
not
fair in love and war. There's no decision to make
anyway, because you're my wife. I love you, and you love me. And you
belong
to me.' And then he hung up.

Mattie was surprised to find she wasn't as flustered as she'd expected. Her hands were still shaking but that seemed to be a permanent state now. And she had a headache, but she got those quite frequently as well. Apart from that, she felt rather calm. Almost fatalistic, in fact. Because in an odd way it was a relief to talk to Jake like this, calmly and reasonably, and to be told that he was doing all this through love and not hate, because that meant he
wasn't
trying to destroy her. Only trying desperately to convince her to come back. Maybe, just maybe, it was even flattering.

Mattie put the kettle on to make herself a cup of coffee. She took a few painkillers while she was waiting for it to boil and then, just as she was filling the plunger, the phone rang again. She finished what she was doing and then answered it.

‘Hello?'

‘Hello, Mattie?' The voice was breathless and familiar.

‘Yes.'

‘Hi there, this is Sharon. Whimsicalities, remember?'

‘Of course. How are you?'

‘Good. Very good. Just ringing to remind you I'll be dropping off your parcel on Monday. Is the morning okay?'

‘The morning's fine. See you then.'

Mattie hung up and poured her coffee. Then she went in search of the list of who owed what from the party. She found it on the fridge, together with the money collected so far. Liz was the only one who hadn't paid and Mattie figured she could cover that, just, although she was a bit surprised that she hadn't heard from her since the party. Then again it took two to tango, and she hadn't rung Liz either. She hadn't even thought of it. But now was as good a time as any, and Hannah was right, she needed friends. Mattie looked up the phone number and dialled it.

‘Hello?'

‘Liz? It's Mattie! How are you?'

‘Oh – Mattie.' Liz sounded strangely noncommittal. ‘Good, I'm good. How about you?'

‘Never better,' lied Mattie.

'I suppose you're ringing about the money for the wind-chimes and stuff? I'm so sorry I haven't got round to sending it over. I'll do it first thing tomorrow. Promise.'

‘That's fine.' Mattie felt awkward. ‘No rush.'

‘No, I should have done it by now. I totally forgot. You know what it's like with babies around.'

‘And how is the little miracle?'

‘He's fine, thanks, just fine.'

There was an uncomfortable silence after this that lasted several moments. Mattie tried desperately to think of something to say to fill it but the awkwardness itself inhibited her. Finally Liz spoke.

‘Look, I had a ball catching up with you at the party. And maybe when Thomas is a bit older, when I don't have to juggle him and work, we could catch up again?'

‘That'd be nice,' said Mattie flatly. It suddenly occurred to her that the reason Hannah had been asking about Liz was because
she
had already told her. Liz knew, and was making it rather clear she wanted nothing to do with it.

‘Yes, I'll really look forward to it. And in the meantime . . .' Liz paused for a moment. ‘Take care of yourself, Mattie.'

‘Hang on!' Mattie had to know for sure. ‘Did . . . did my sister ring you? About me?'

There was a long pause before Liz spoke, which answered for her. ‘Yes, she did.'

‘I see.'

‘No you don't,' Liz burst out. ‘You're going to think I'm putting you off because of
that
, and it's not true, Mats, really it's not. It's just I'm so busy at the moment. And I don't have any experience with anything like that. So what good would I be anyway?'

‘Look, it's okay, Liz, I don't blame you. Really'

‘And I wish you all the best, truly. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to –'

‘That's fine,' interrupted Mattie, closing her eyes briefly. ‘And besides, Hannah was overreacting as usual. In fact, everything's resolving itself really quickly now. No problems.'

'Oh good,' said Liz. ‘That's really good.'

Mattie wound the cord around her finger and tried to summon up the words to end the conversation.

‘And Jake rang too.'

‘What?' Mattie frowned.

‘Jake rang too,' Liz repeated in a bright, chatty voice. ‘It wasn't long after Hannah rang. Alan was at soccer training. He said how lovely it was that you and I had caught up again, after all this time. And that he'd heard about Thomas and was so pleased for us. How nice it was to see us rewarded with a child after all those years of trying. Then he said he'd keep his fingers crossed for us that nothing ever happened to the baby, because that would be terrible. Devastating.'

Mattie stared at the kitchen wall. She didn't know what was worse – the shock, the embarrassment, or the shame.

‘Are you still there, Mats?'

‘Yes, I'm here,' replied Mattie dully.

‘That was nice of him, wasn't it?'

‘Yes. Sure. Listen, Liz, just send the money when you can and I'll post the wind-chimes out to you, okay?'

‘And we'll definitely catch up at some stage. Maybe next year?'

‘Absolutely.'

‘And you can meet Thomas.'

‘Can't wait.'

Liz paused for a moment. ‘Look after yourself, Mattie.'

‘Don't worry about me,' said Mattie breezily. ‘You just take care of that baby. And we'll catch up in another year or so.'

‘Looking forward to it.'

Mattie hung up, leaving her hand on the phone for a few moments as she stared at the wall. Then she pulled herself together and wiped at her eyes, still feeling sick but unwilling to dwell on what had just happened. She pushed it away. Because it wasn't flattering, not at all. Not to anybody. Her coffee had gone cold so she poured it down the sink because she couldn't be bothered heating it up. She rinsed the cup out and, because her hands felt sweaty, washed them at the sink and shook them dry. Then she put the list and the money back
on top of the fridge and went into the lounge-room to watch some television.

The next phone-call didn't come until early afternoon, just as Mattie had started watching a segment of
Oprah
about women who had lost staggering amounts of weight. It was nice to watch other women with problems so dissimilar to her own, but who were conquering them with sheer perseverance. She got up heavily and went to answer the phone.

‘Hello?'

‘Is that Matilda Hampton?'

‘Speaking.'

‘This is Jan MacFarlane, Matilda, you'll remember we spoke a while ago? About your son, Max.'

‘I remember.' Mattie closed her eyes briefly, wishing she'd left the phone to ring out.

‘Now I've been meaning to contact you again as promised but, well –' Jan MacFarlane paused and then sighed, as if to indicate the demands on her limited time. After making this point, she went on briskly – ‘but now I think we need to make it a priority to meet and talk some things through.'

Mattie frowned. ‘Why the sudden urgency? Has something happened?'

‘If you'll remember, Mrs – Matilda,
I
wanted to meet with you some time ago. So there's no “sudden urgency” as you put it, just a desire to follow through.'

‘So nothing's just happened?' persisted Mattie, ignoring the woman's obvious attempt to shore up her professionalism.

Jan MacFarlane hesitated for a moment. ‘I take it the principal hasn't contacted you yet?'

‘No,' Mattie took a deep breath and then let it out as silently as possible.

‘Ah. Well, I believe there
was
an incident today at lunchtime. A fight with another boy. It appears that Max tried to choke him in the end and he actually has some rather nasty bruising around his neck.'

‘Oh my god. Is he okay? What about Max?'

‘As you'd expect the boy is quite shaken up. As for Max, he's fine. However, I'm afraid the other parents are very upset, they're even talking
about pressing charges. At the very least I'd say there'll be a suspension. So you see I really must insist on talking with you and your husband.'

Mattie's eyes, which had closed again as the other woman spoke, suddenly flew open. ‘My husband?'

‘Yes – that is, if there's . . .' Jan MacFarlane hesitated and Mattie could hear the sound of pages being turned. ‘It says here that Max's father lives at home, with you. Is that correct?'

‘That's correct,' said Mattie quickly, not wanting the woman to make a separate call to Jake.

‘Well then, I think it's essential that you both come together. Now I'm only here Tuesdays and Thursdays, so shall we say next Tuesday?'

‘Tuesday's fine,' said Mattie dully.

Mattie heard more pages flipping. ‘Oh, sorry. No, Tuesday's out, but Thursday is okay. Say – ten am?'

‘All right. I'll see you then.'

Mattie hung up the phone and it rang again, almost immediately. She put her hand out to answer automatically and then snatched it away again as if the phone was red-hot. It was highly probable that it was the principal ringing to tell her about Max's suspension. And she didn't want to know. After all, it didn't really matter whether she answered or not – Jake would still find out either way. Because there was no hiding this and if she didn't answer they'd have to catch Jake at school, rather than her having to ring later to tell him.

Mattie watched the phone as it rang, and rang, and rang. Finally it stopped, and she went back to the lounge-room to see if her program was still on. But now, of course, she couldn't concentrate. Max – her gentle, loving Max. She tried to picture him choking another child and just couldn't do it. But would this make a difference? Would the fact that his son had behaved in such a way show Jake what he was doing to the children? Could he be so hypocritical as to punish the boy for doing the same thing he'd seen his father do?

At three-thirty, Mattie stared at the clock, wondering what was happening. How was Max? He'd been so upset this morning that this would devastate him. Especially with the dread, ever since lunchtime, of knowing his father was coming to collect him. And would be informed. Guilt
now began to stalk Mattie. Guilt that she hadn't kept the boy home, or answered the phone, or done something other than sit on the couch all day and stare at the television. To counter the guilt she kept telling herself that it wouldn't have made any difference. But that didn't help.

The last phone-call of the day came at six-thirty. Certain that by now it wouldn't be the principal and pretty confident it was Jake instead, Mattie snatched the phone off the wall.

‘Hello?'

‘Mattie, dear, you sound like you've been exercising.'

‘Mum. How are you?'

‘I'm fine. And yourself?'

‘Good, thanks. Listen, sorry I haven't been in touch or dropped around or anything. I've just been so busy . . .'

Mattie's mother laughed lightly. ‘I understand, dear, but I thought I'd ring just to make sure you're still in the land of the living!'

‘Well, I am. And I promise I'll pop around next weekend and see you.'

‘That'll be lovely. Will you be bringing the children?'

‘Ah – no. Probably not.'

‘Never mind. Now the other reason for my call was to let you know I haven't forgotten the money I owe you for the things I ordered.'

‘That's fine, Mum. Hannah's already paid for you.'

‘Oh, good. Funny she didn't mention it when I saw her today. We had a lovely chat.'

‘What about?' asked Mattie suspiciously.

‘Oh, this and that. And did I tell you how much I enjoyed your party?'

‘Yes, you did. But thanks anyway.'

‘No, thank
you
. Actually, I'm even thinking of hosting one myself. I could invite Beryl from next door, and some of the ladies from the bowls club. And Mrs DePosito. And Hannah and Charlotte would love to come again, I'm sure. And you would, wouldn't you, dear?'

‘Sure I would, Mum.'

‘Then I think I will. Yes, I will. Now, I won't keep you. See you next weekend.'

Mattie hung up tiredly. Her lack of sleep was catching up with her, together with her worry over Max. And the mixture of the two was making her feel nauseous. The only silver lining was that with the children at Jake's tonight, she should be able to get some sleep without worrying that he was in the unit. But it was a silver lining she would have traded in an instant to have them beside her, knowing they were safe.

Hannah rang again on Friday to see how Mattie was and she managed to sound upbeat and reassuring. As she hung up she wondered if Stuart had gone around to visit Jake, as promised, and why Hannah hadn't mentioned it. Not that Mattie was placing a great deal of hope in the outcome of such a visit. While she recognised that Stuart was an excellent partner for her sister, Mattie herself had always found him rather boring and ineffectual. And she knew that Jake felt exactly the same way.

One of the problems was that Stuart was an overly tactile man whose constant need to touch those he was speaking to actually robbed his words of impact instead of, as he seemed to imagine, giving them added emphasis. And he was no match for Jake. Stuart was too straightforward, too trusting, and far too moralistic to appreciate the complex side of humanity. He also had some rather didactic views on men, women and marriage, which he called traditional but were actually quite old-fashioned and rather sexist. Added to that was the fact that he was a physically unprepossessing man of below average height and above average weight, so that nobody, least of all Jake, would ever feel threatened by his presence. Mattie decided the visit must have taken place but not been terribly successful, and that was why Hannah hadn't mentioned it. Even though she told herself she hadn't expected anything anyway, she felt a keen sense of disappointment that yet another avenue had been closed off.