Broken (3 page)

When she got the shakes under control, she tried talking herself through what she needed to do next. With each thought, came the dreaded ‘what if’. What if she failed and fell flat on her face? What if she’d already wasted the best years of her life? Was it too late to start over?

She was only twenty-eight, but that was a far cry from the eighteen year old she’d been when she’d started out on what she’d thought was her life’s dream. She had no real prospects other than the dregs of a long forgotten dream. Her life wasn’t supposed to reach this crossroad, she hadn’t prepared for it.

She was supposed to be a mother by now, a mother and a wife. She wasn’t supposed to be starting over from nothing at her age. That depression that she’d held off for the past few hours nipped at her heels viciously, like a barking dog out for blood. She knew once it sunk its teeth in it would be a while before it let go again. Please no.

She’d never known until now that depression was a live thing. It was like another presence in the room. Guiding and dictating your every move-your every thought. It wasn’t just in your head, it seeped into your pores, and like a vine, wrapped itself around tissue and bone to suck you back in, to hold you hostage.

Was it always going to be like this, this cat and mouse game that played out in her mind? She felt like she was always taking one step forward and ten steps back. Looking out towards the little cracked window, she noticed how much time had passed since she’d been sitting there.

That was another thing. Time seemed to be doing its own thing these days. Some days it would fly by unnoticed, and others it would drag on as if it would never end. Those were the worse.

She got up to make herself a cup of soup, which was about all she’d been able to keep down in the months since the divorce. She drank half of it standing at the kitchen sink before going to empty her bladder, which she had neglected to do since she’d become so engrossed in her writing.

After she was done, she splashed her face with water, before looking into the mirror. Looking down at her new body she could see the changes in the way that her clothes just hung on her. She’d lost a good twenty pounds. Not that she’d needed to lose weight. She’d always been a healthy one forty and on her five eight frame, she had carried it well.

Now looking into the mirror again, she appreciated the new definition in her cheeks. She’d have to do something about her hair though; it looked like crap. She hefted it and lifted the strands in her hands.

Her once beautiful strawberry blonde curls that everyone had always exclaimed over, were now limp and blah. “Time to do something about that.”

She grabbed a bottle of her favorite shampoo, one of the only things her darling ex had allowed her to take from their home under direction of his then girlfriend, who’d instructed him on what she deserved.

Which apparently was nothing, because that was pretty much what she’d ended up with. They’d taken it all, good heavens; even down to the new designer wear he’d grudgingly allowed her to buy after years of thrift store bin diving.

All her beautiful things were gone. The nice little butterfly crystals she’d started to collect because she’d always been so fascinated by them. Nothing too extravagant, because even after he’d started making money, she was always conscious of their humble beginnings. Now his new wife drove a high-end luxury car and had the best of everything.

“No more of that Kerryanne Lashley.” With one last look in the mirror, she hopped into the shower and washed her hair twice and deep conditioned it before brushing it to a high sheen. She admired her handy work in the mirror, her spirits already lifted by the results.

She climbed into bed feeling a huge sense of achievement, and with a deep sigh turned it off and went to sleep. For the first time in a long time she was looking forward to what the new day would bring.

Chapter 2

***

T
he next day, before she could lose her nerve, she got up early and got ready for her walk of shame. Everyone knew what had happened to her and though she was sure not all of them were actually laughing at her behind their hands, she was pretty sure the ones who weren’t were pitying her, and she wasn’t sure which horrified her more.

She pushed those negative thoughts aside as best she could as she drank her second cup of coffee. After rinsing the cup and putting it to drain, she headed to the bathroom to add the finishing touches to her appearance. The fact that she even cared was a good sign as far as she was concerned. It had been a while.

In her jeans that now fit a little looser around the hips, but fell just right enough to be considered fashionable, and a nice halter top she’d had stuffed into the back of her closet, promising herself she would work up the nerve to wear one night to wow Paul, she checked herself out in the mirror.

She certainly hadn’t lost any weight in her upper torso. Her breasts, which had always been a source of embarrassment for her, were even more pronounced now on her much thinner frame. Whatever!

She brushed her fat curls until they fell loosely down her back and glossed her lips with her favorite cherry flavored lip-gloss. With one last twist and turn in the mirror she spritzed on some body splash from the Dollar store before grabbing her bag and heading for the door. She didn’t have time for makeup, who could afford it?

She had no idea that her fresh-faced look coupled with her natural aura of innocence was like a beacon. She had second thoughts about the top and was about to go change when something stopped her. Looking down at herself she was assured that she was decent enough and she’d seen people out and about in much worse. So what the halter framed her breasts like they were an offering, and left part of her back and all of her arms exposed.

She took a deep breath and geared herself up as best she could, trying to quell the nerves that were threatening to overcome her. “Open that door Kerryanne and stop being such a freak. You can’t hide in here forever.” She was getting better at talking herself into action, something she’d had to learn in the last few months or she’d never get anything done.

Hopefully, today would be one of those overcast days Silver Springs was known for, and people would stay inside. Her stomach was a jumble of nerves as she turned the knob, preparing to face whatever was awaiting her out there.

The first breath of fresh air in a long time hit her and she felt sweet stirrings in her chest. Like a flower that needed sunlight to bloom, in those first few seconds she forgot everything else, but the feel

of the rays on her face. There was a pep in her step as she stepped down off the three little stairs outside her apartment door.

Of course it was a clear sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. Birds chirped in trees and the early morning breeze teased the leaves as she walked by. Already, she could feel the impending heat of the coming day as she swung her bag over her shoulder and wished for invisibility. She was already losing the little spark she’d first felt.

It was only a ten-minute walk to the library, but she felt as though she was walking to the gallows. She kept her head high even though she felt as though she would throw up any minute. The little mantra she kept repeating to herself wasn’t helping much, not now that she was facing the reality of maybe running into someone from her past. And let’s face it, everyone here knew her in some capacity or another.

She prayed with every step that no one stopped her to ask how she was doing. More than once she almost turned and headed back to the safety of her new cave. She only closed her eyes for one second when she saw old Ms. Thompson coming out her front door.

It was just her luck that the town’s busy body would be making her rounds just as she was finding her confidence. With her eyes closed she didn’t see the hard body until her nose was pressed into his chest.

“Hey lady you okay?” That voice, damn. Her eyes flew open and up and she almost busted her ass on the ground as she throttled back and away to escape his warm grasp on her arms. He held on tighter.

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Her voice was barely above a croak and she had to clear it a couple times to be understood as she kept her eyes averted.

“Sorry.” She apologized again when he didn’t say anything, which prompted her to look at him. She looked up at his great height, her neck straining backwards as she got caught by the stranger’s eyes. She wasn’t too numbed by life to admire his beauty and that was before she even had time to take in the rest of him, which she did now that she could think clearly again.

He had the most amazing silver eyes she’d ever seen. She didn’t think humans had eyes that color. Maybe they were contacts, yeah that had to be it. Whatever they were they were amazing, especially with his reddish blonde hair, which he wore cut short.

His arms in the tee shirt he wore were built and covered in some kind of colorful tattoo that she now saw ran up the side of his neck.

She took it all in at a glance while the rest of her stood frozen. Something strange was going on with her respiratory system and he still hadn’t spoken. Just stood there looking down at her with her arms held. Have mercy! He must’ve heard her silent prayer because he took it easy on her dropped her arms.

“No problem, just be careful okay, you sure you’re okay?” Something about his voice made her feel uncomfortably warm. It was smooth, deep, masterful. How the hell can you tell all that from one sentence ninny? Her inner voice was a bitch.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” So why don’t you put one foot in front of the other and keep it moving Kerry? He’s bound to think you’re nuts if you stand here ogling him. He finally released her and her breathing evened out.

She ran her eyes down the front of him and sucked in her breath when they landed on his zipper. Mother of…It moved and she squeaked.

“Babe.”

She looked back up to his eyes and almost died of embarrassment; he’d caught her ogling his package. Kill me kill me now, she thought as her cheeks heated up. He had a slight smile on his face as he studied her.

“Er, excuse me, gotta go.” She’d lost her damn mind that’s it. All the pressure from the last few months had finally made her crack and that’s why she was standing on a sidewalk salivating over the very well proportioned schlong of a complete stranger. She had never in her life done such a thing, what in the world had possessed her? Sure he was the hottest thing she’d ever seen outside a TV screen, but still. She wasn’t the type to act in such a way.

What must he think of her? She knew he’d caught her, oh damn. But funnily enough where the old Kerry would’ve run in mortal shame, the new one wouldn’t mind another peek. Good grief.

You’d think she’d learned her lesson. What happened to all those private vows she’d made to herself, never to even look at a member of the opposite sex again in this lifetime? It took her a moment to realize he hadn’t moved out of her way to let her pass since she’d gotten tangled up in her own head.

“You’re absolutely gorgeous.” Her eyes bugged out of her head at his declaration. She’d never been called gorgeous before, attractive yes but never gorgeous.

“Thank you, I better get going.” She came back down to earth as she realized that he was probably just being nice.

“Sure see you around.” He walked away and headed for a bike that was parked across the street. Shows how much attention she’d been paying, she hadn’t even noticed the strange bike, speaking of which who the hell was he? She’d never seen him around here before and she’d been born and raised here. She turned quickly when he turned to look back, but couldn’t resist one last stare over her shoulder.

She watched as he climbed on his bike, his ass looking almost as good as his front.

“Good heavens Kerry; get your mind out of the gutter.” Meanwhile, she’d forgotten all about Ms. Thompson who’d been taking in the whole show.

“Morning Kerryanne, I see you’ve met our Kyle. Nice young man isn’t he?”

“Kyle? I don’t think I know any Kyle from around here.” She took the few steps necessary to reach the lawn in front of the woman’s home.

“He’s not, he’s here to help his grandpa since his grandma passed, looks like he’s staying around for a while.”

She knew she shouldn’t, the old lady was a terrible gossip but she couldn’t help herself. Even though she wasn’t in the market for another asshole jerk she had to admit to being intrigued. The man was hot as hell. Tattoos and a bike and what she’d spied in his pants, wow the guy sure did pack a punch and he’d called her gorgeous. “His grandpa?”

“Kerryanne where have you been child? That’s the Clancy’s grandson, you did know that old Mrs. Clancy passed away last month didn’t you?” She was ashamed to admit that she’d been so busy feeling sorry for herself that she hadn’t a clue about anything that had been going on in their little close knit town.

“No, I’m sorry I’ve been busy…” Her voice trailed off as she felt the familiar tears prick her eyes. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea after all.

“You’re not still pining after that worthless pile of horse manure and his new hag are you? Shame on you, you were always too good for him honey. That divorce was a blessing in disguise if you ask me, those two pigs deserve each other.” She sniffed as if she’d smelled something foul and went back to pulling the weeds from her rose garden.

“Where you off to in a all fired hurry anyway? Almost knocked poor Kyle on his ass and the sparks flying off you two, whew. Almost thought I might have to set my garden hose on the two of you.”

“I’m headed to the library.” She chose to ignore the more inflammatory comment and stick to the mundane.

“Ain’t been nothing new in that place in years and now with the new cuts there’s even less to look forward to. Dag blamed thieving ass politicians.” She went off on a tangent about budget cuts and deficits and money-grubbing politicians who will burn in hell for sure.

Kerry felt as if she’d fallen down the rabbit hole as she stood there listening to the older woman who she’d never heard utter a bad word in her life. Yes, the woman was a gossip but she wasn’t necessarily malicious or vicious. But here she was calling people names and cussing up a storm.

“I need to use the computer.” And why are you telling her your business Kerryanne?

“Hate those damn things too. My grandson just sent me another one. Don’t know why seeing as how I didn’t ever use the first one they sent me. Might as well give it to you if you know how to use the fool thing.” She looked the younger woman up and down thinking she could do with a good meal. Poor thing her bones were starting to push through her collarbone.

If she’d been any kin to the girl she would’ve taken a switch to that Paul and his hussy, but around here people tend to keep to themselves, stay out of other people’s mess. The hypocrites. That didn’t stop them from gossiping behind closed doors though.

She felt sorry for the poor girl, her being all alone in the world and those two doing her the way they had. It was a shame and that’s a fact. She was better off all the same as far as Lucille was concerned and life would take care of them two right and proper.

Kerry’s head was spinning from all the different directions the old woman was going in at once. “I couldn’t do that Ms. Thompson. Your family probably sent you that so they could keep in touch.” She seemed to recall a bevy of grandkids coming to visit in the summer when she was much younger.

“And what’s wrong with the good old fashioned telephone? Too much new technology around here if you ask me. No wonder the young people are so worthless, too much easy living and not enough reason to get off their ass. You come on in here and take this thing with you if you want.” She turned to head into the house.

“But I can’t afford to pay you for it.” She felt equal parts excitement and trepidation. It had been so long since anyone had done anything nice for her, that it was hard to believe what the older woman was offering.

“Why the heck would you need to do that? I sure as spit didn’t pay a dime for it and those blood sucking relatives of mine can afford it. Now stop fussing and come on in here.”

“Well if you’re sure.” Yep definitely down the rabbit hole, her life had never been this easy. What were the odds that she would find a computer that she could take home with her so she could work as long as she wanted, instead of the one hour they

allowed you down at the library? At least she thought that’s what she’d heard. What the woman was offering was nothing short of a blessing. It would mean no daily trips outside. The prospect felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders and was too good to pass up even for her already bruised pride.

She followed the old lady into her quaint little house not quite sure what to make of this turn of events. The house was pretty much what you would expect the house of an elderly woman living alone to look like.

There were pictures on the walls and every other surface in the front room, most of them of a young man in an army uniform from about the early forties. She was pretty sure it was the late Mr. Thompson who had passed a few years earlier.

There were others of younger people as well, the children and grandchildren most likely. There was bric-a-brac with knickknacks, doilies on everything and crocheted afghans thrown over the backs of chairs. It was homey and nice and made her miss her gran who’d been gone for eight years now. The memory of the old woman who’d been so good to her brought fresh tears to her eyes.