Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Part One - The Seventies

Sock Lobster - (Navy Knee-Highs)

You Say Extortion Like It’s a Bad Thing - (Green Dotted Swiss Dress)

How About a Nice Hawaiian Punch? - (Girl Scout Uniform)

The Green Badge of Courage - (Kelly Green Speedo Tank Suit)

Miss New Jersey Has Everything - (Brown Tasseled Clogs)

A Series of Unfortunate (Pant) Events - (Bloomingdale’s Underwear)

Part Two - The Eighties

Take a Picture, It Lasts Longer - (Jordache Jeans, Part One)

Plan B - (Jordache Jeans, Part Two)

Gay Paree - (Jordache Jeans, Part Three)

Clipped Wings - (Pfft, Who Cares Because I May as Well Be in Prison Stripes)

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Singing a Billy Ocean Song - (White Satin Gown)

They’re Quite Aware of What They’re Going Through - (Bass Weejun Penny Loafers)

Dying to Belong - (Gucci Bag)

Which Is an Entirely Different Chapter - (Not Even My Yellow Argyle Sweater)

Absolute Power? Absolutely! - (Gold Lavaliere, Part One)

First She Was a Seed and Then She Was Trouble - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Two)

Dénouement - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Three)

Part Three - The Nineties

We Need a Montage - (A Variety of Stained Aprons)

You Sank My Battleship - (Navy Suit, Part One)

Just the Fax, Ma’am - (Navy Suit, Part Two)

Brass Something, Anyway - (Navy Suit, Part Three)

Worst Movie Ever - (Canvas Book Bag)

Pretty (Average) Woman - (Utilitarian Snow Boots)

My Kind of Town - (Cubs Bucket Hat)

Carrie Bradshaw Made Me Do It - (Not Manolos—But Close)

She Gets a Long Letter, Sends Back a Postcard (Times Are Hard) - (Silver ...

The End of the Beginning - (Crocodile-Skin Pumps)

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

OTHER TITLES BY
New York Times
BESTSELLING AUTHOR JEN LANCASTER

Bitter Is the New Black

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Such a Pretty Fat

New American Library
Published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,
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First published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First Printing, May 2009

Copyright © Jennifer Lancaster, 2009 All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lancaster, Jen, 1967-
Pretty in plaid: a life, a witch, and a wardrobe, or the wonder years before the
condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered smart-ass phase/Jen Lancaster.
p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-05071-2

1. Lancaster, Jen, 1967—Childhood and youth. 2. Authors, American—
21st century—Biography. 3. Girls—Humor. 4. Clothing and dress—Humor.
I. Title.

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

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A·U·T·H·O·R’S N·O·T·E

S
ome characters have been combined for storytelling purposes. In addition, other names and identifying characteristics have been changed for privacy reasons.

The soul of this man is in his clothes.

—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

—MARK TWAIN

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits
to point out that the emperor has no clothes.
But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and
the emperor remains an emperor.

—NEIL GAIMAN

November 6, 1974

Dear Mattei,

Your Bella Dancerella Barbie is junk!

Just today the head fell off her. Yesterday, her body fell apart. I do not have any of the pieces to send you because they are junk now.

May be you should send me a
another one immediately before I tell all my friends what shoddy products you manufacture.

Your friend,

Jennifer Lancaster

P.S. My dawn dolls fell apart in the tub when I tried to take them swimming. Please send two Dancerella Barbies to make up for this tragic loss.

October 1, 1976

Hi, Mrs. Cummings,

You don’t know me but I am my brother Todd’s sister. My mom says Todd is failing your Spanish class. She yelled at him a bunch for getting an F on the test and he was mad. He kept saying “no bueno.”

My mom is probably too emotional about Todd’s grades to discuss the situation rationally, so you should probably work through me. I am enclosing a blank piece of paper so you can give me a progress report on Todd.

Okay, thank you,

Jennifer Lancaster

P.S. Hola!

P.P.S. Look at me! I’m already bi-lingual!

December 12, 1980

Hello, Brooke Shields!

I’m a big fan even though I’m not allowed to see The Blue Lagoon. Plus you’re from New Jersey and I used to live in New Jersey and we have the same eyebrows, so it’s like we’re already kindred spirits.

Anyway, I saw your commercial and I like the Calvin Klein jeans you advertise. I figure you probably have some extra since Mr. Klein likely gave them to you for free.

You’re in luck - I happen to need some Calvin Klein jeans and no one will buy them for me so why not solve both our problems and send me some? Seriously, no one in this stupid cow town has Calvins and I’d be the first if you sent me some and I’m pretty sure that would catapult me to instant celebrity.

Your friend,

Jennifer Lancaster

P.S. My auntie says your ads are kitty porn, but that makes no sense because you’re totally wearing pants!

Also? There are no cats!

February 14, 1981

Brooke,

I am not saying “dear” because you are not dear to me. I ask you for extra pants and you send me back a frigging postcard?

You are NOT COOL.

And I totally pluck my eyebrows now. You should, too.

NOT your friend,

Jennifer Lancaster

P.S. All is forgiven if the pants are in the mail.

January 28, 1984

Principal Stern,

I’m sorry you had to take time out of your busy day of principal-ing to deal with such a trivial matter.

Honestly, I have no idea how or why Justine Moore got the idea that I hated her and that I specifically carried nail scissors around to simulate snip-snip sounds whenever I was behind her in the hallway. And I couldn’t begin to tell you who started the rumor about people wanting to hack off a chunk of her ridiculous red hair to punish her for being such a bit, well, you know, female dog.

These allegations against me are hurtful and untrue even though she TOTALLY tried to get with my date by grinding on him when I hit the bathroom at the last school dance. As you can see, she’d have it coming if someone
were
to give her an unexpected haircut, but it wouldn’t be me.

Your student,

Jeni Lancaster

P.S. She has NO proof.

December 15, 2008

Dear Self,

Someday in a fit of nostalgia, or perhaps after matching
Gross pointe Blank
again, you will be tempted to attend a high school reunion.

Before you load up the CD player with eighties tunes and create a triptych, please read this book and refamiliarize yourself with all the smack you talked about your classmates and hometown.

And then take yourself on a spa weekend instead so you don’t accidentally, you know, get lynched.

You can’t go home again.

At least not after mocking the prom quenn.

Best,

Jen