Broken and Screwed 2 (The BS Series) (21 page)

He stopped and gripped the chair in front of him. His jaw went rigid and he was swallowing his words. He was fighting the emotions that had rushed out.

I sat rooted in my seat. Holding my breath, I thought that would’ve taken longer, but I didn’t dare mess it up.

I began praying for him to keep going.

One. Two. Three. I counted to six before he started again, saddened, “He was my best friend and my brother. And he’s not here.”

“But he was supposed to be.”

“He was supposed to be.”

“I came for him.”

Jesse had turned towards the wall, but he looked over again. A slight shimmer was over his eyes. He never moved to brush it away or pretend it wasn’t there. He let the moisture build as he nodded. “I know you did.”

Nodding, I didn’t know what else to say or even what else there was to say.

Then he added, “I came for him too.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.” He let out a deep breath. His voice was calmer now, stronger. “I was offered at six other places. I came here because of...”

Because of Ethan. We were in the same boat.

“Your family was like my only family. Hell, my dad might’ve had tons of kids, but I didn’t grow up with them. I don’t know any of them and this girl, I can’t reach out to her. The lawyer went nuts when I said I was thinking about talking to her. And you know the messed up part?” A strangled laugh rose from his chest. “I don’t even know if my mom’s my real mom.”

“Jesse?” I rose from my chair and went to him. Sliding into his lap, I waited as he leaned back in the chair. His hands rested lightly on my legs.

“I saw a file. It’d been left open.”

It hurt to hold his gaze. There was so much pain.

“It said she was barren, she couldn’t have kids. I don’t know if she was like that after me or...”

“You think another woman had you and your dad passed you off as hers?”

He nodded, swallowing thickly. “I loved her, but what if she wasn’t even who I was supposed to be loving?”

“Oh, Jesse.” How could I answer that? I couldn’t. Resting my head against his chest, he tightened his arms around me and rested his cheek on top of me. I felt him take another deep breath.

I used to do that, to lessen the pain. It never worked. The pain always won out. It always suffocated me.

“I’m so sorry, Jesse,” I whispered.

“Yeah,” he bit out. “What do you expect, though? I should’ve thought of that growing up with him. You have no idea how grateful I am to your family for taking me in and letting me live with you guys. Your parents have been so good to me.”

But not to me. My own agony stirred now. My parents had abandoned me, but I knew they would never do that to him. Jesse was the son they wanted to replace Ethan. He just didn’t know that. Biting my tongue, a familiar heaviness came over me. I couldn’t tell him about my parents. I knew Jesse would be upset, but he’d be hurt. He’d be disappointed and there went his ideal image of what parents should be.

I couldn’t do that to him.

There were
a few changes in the house after that first night. Jamie wasn’t allowed back, but Tiffany started living in his room. After an apology for her stupidity, Hannah moved into my room. Everything was approved through Housing so it looked like I had a roommate on paper. The girls stopped knocking on my door the day she moved in. Refusing to bring more of my stuff, more than what was necessary to Jesse’s house, I had to stop by every other day for clothes or random things. The other girls on the floor tried to become friendly with me. When I ignored them, which I would’ve done anyway, they started getting nasty. Insults were heard from opened doors when I’d pass by. These were followed with more of them lingering in the hallways. It was a mean girl situation. They’d whisper about me, not quiet anymore, and shoot me death glares as I was forced to walk around them to my room.

After Hannah witnessed a few of these moments, she made me promise to text her whenever I would come over. When I did, Hannah was in the hallway, in a lawn chair with a table beside her. Most times, she had a book in her lap and a drink on the table. The location of the lawn chair moved. The first time was outside her (my) door. By the third week, she sat outside the doors of the mean girl leaders. No one won against Hannah when the insults flew.

The other change was at the house.

After our first fight that had almost turned violent, and after she saw how Jesse defended me, Tiffany began to ignore me. It was the most passive aggressive tactic, but it didn’t bother me. I could ignore her as well, made my life easier. After one night, when I went into the kitchen and Tiffany left the table to go upstairs, I took her vacant seat. Kara rolled her eyes and asked, “How are you handling that?”

I shrugged and popped one of Tiffany’s grapes in my mouth. “I don’t really care. I think she thinks this is getting to me, but it’s easier. I don’t want to be her friend so I don’t know what she’s getting out of this.”

Kara grinned. “Tiffany thinks everyone wants to be her friend.”

“Not me.”

“I know. She doesn’t know that.”

Eyeing her, I asked, “Why are you saying this stuff to me? You’re not being loyal to her.”

“I’m loyal to Derek and he likes you. And I still consider you one of my residents. I’ve told Tiffany she’s being dumb. It’s obvious how much Jesse cares about you. You’re not going anywhere. She needs to accept that and move on. Even though she doesn’t see it that way, I’m trying to help her in the long run.”

“Oh.” That made sense to me.

“In her defense, she’s never met a girl in Jesse’s life before. Those two were close last year, as close as I think he’d get to another female as a friend.”

I nodded. Jesse had explained it to me one night, but he made sure to reinforce that he never saw Tiffany as more than a friend. I wasn’t too sure about that. He had slept with her. Twice. But she wasn’t his family. I was.

“What about Chandra? I thought she was friends with you two.”

Kara looked down at the table now. “Cord doesn’t want her here so she’s not allowed to come over.”

“Yeah, but you guys are friends with her.”

She looked up. I caught the sadness there before she masked it. She shrugged, forcing a smile to cover. “It doesn’t matter. We can still be friends with her outside of this house, but she has to respect Cord’s wishes.”

Remembering that first day, I thought there’d been something extra between the two. I said as much to her, but she shrugged again. “If you haven’t noticed, Cord doesn’t like getting close to any girl.”

“Yeah.” I had noticed. I had witnessed it a few times. Marissa had emailed me one time, asking if Cord was mad at her. He had never responded to her emails, phone calls, or text messages. My old friend was getting the snub. She knew it; she just needed to accept it.

“You know, you can have your friends to the house. That’d be okay.”

“My friends?”

“Beth and Hannah.”

“Oh.” I frowned. “Isn’t that weird? I thought Hannah was fighting with Tiffany again?”

“They’re always going to be fighting. They’re sisters, but Jesse said you live here too so you can have your friends over.”

“Yeah, I guess.” But it felt weird. There was an unspoken rule to keep the house from people. I knew Beth and Hannah would be fine, but I didn’t want to get comfortable. When I did, something bad would happen. So I kept being there, but not living there. It would be safer for me in the long run, when that bad thing did finally happen. I loved Jesse, but I was still trying to save myself from other attachments. It’d be hard enough to lose him. And I knew it would happen. Nothing good happened to me, nothing that lasted.

Thanksgiving came and went.

I still lived with Jesse, but our time had dwindled because of basketball practices. It’d been a month into the new season until they had their first home game. Even though Kara mentioned having Hannah and Beth over to the house, I never did. Instead, the three of us began hanging out at a diner off-campus. We were leaving the place when I invited them over. It was my first time ever. Jesse and the guys were gone. They’d be at their game. And Tiffany and Kara had already left to watch the game. At the thought of being alone for the rest of the night, I heard myself inviting them over before I knew I was going to do it.

Hannah shrugged. “Sure. Can I get drunk?”

Beth hit her on the arm before she frowned at me. “Aren’t you going to the game?”

“And sit by myself?”

“Oh, come on. There must be lots of fakeys that will warm up to you. You could have fake friends all you want. Think of the possibilities.” Hannah spread her arms out, laughing at her own joke. “Fake people everywhere!”

“Yeah, I get it.” Beth frowned at her cousin.

“I’m down. Let’s throw a rager.” Hannah caught my look. “Kidding, Alex. Chill.”

“Oh.” Relaxing, but only a little, I didn’t know what I was so tense about as we drove in our separate cars to the house. I led the way, Hannah and Beth behind me. When I pulled into the driveway, a visitor was waiting for me.

She’d been waiting on the stoop.

Angie Russo. She and Marissa had been my best friends. Marissa had been smart. She checked out earlier, but Angie had tried to hang in there. Even in my darkest days, but it hurt. When she left for college, her truck and her boyfriend’s were both parked on my street. Justin stayed inside his truck when he never would’ve considered that before. She could barely stand being in the front entrance before she said her goodbyes and rushed off. I hadn’t heard from her since.

As I got out of my car, she stood, smoothing her hands down her pants. Her blonde hair had been styled. She was beautiful, but she had always been beautiful. With a willowy tall figure and smoky blue eyes, I wondered if she had finally stepped in front of the camera. Angie had never boasted about her looks, but I knew there’d been a few scouts when we were younger. Her parents wanted her to remain in school and to go on to college.

I saw the silver Prius in the driveway. “You retired the truck?”

Angie relaxed, a little. She grinned, a little, and eyed Beth and Hannah warily. “No. My little sister’s driving it now. I bought this last weekend.”

“That was a nice Thanksgiving present to yourself.”

She shrugged and hugged herself. “Yeah, well, I’m modeling now. I can afford it.”

“So can Alex.” Hannah stepped closer with her hands on her hips. She drew her chin down, leveling Angie with suspicion. “She won’t say a word, but I can tell. I can smell money on people and Alex has it. You’re not here for that, are you?”

“Hannah,” Beth groaned. “Let’s go inside.”

“Can’t. The Missus here has the keys.”

Rolling my eyes, I dangled my keys in the air.

Hannah snatched them but cast a warning eye over Angie. “She’s my friend. Just so you know.”

Angie’s slim shoulders lifted up and down in a deep sigh. “Yeah, well, she’s my friend too.”

“I haven’t heard about you.” She raked her up and down.

Beth grabbed her cousin and dragged her away, saying, “You didn’t know about Jesse either.”

We heard Hannah grumbling when the door opened and shut behind them, “You think you’re so special because you did—”

Angie bit her lip, smiling nervous at the same time. “They seem like good friends.”

I shrugged. “They’re like me. We get along.”

“They’re like you?”

I caught the sincerity in her voice and my gut dropped. Just like that, I was reminded of the last summer. It was only four months ago, but so much had happened. There’d been so much distance by the end of the summer and there was even more now. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t see the point to it. I shrugged. “They’re broken like me.”

She sucked in her breath and jerked to the side. Her throat started trembling and she was biting down on her lip, hard. As she glanced back, she flicked a tear away. “You were broken.”

I frowned. “You knew that.”

She shook her head quickly, one brisk movement. “You never admitted it. I felt it. I knew something was going on, but you never said.”

“I told you about my mom.”

“Because I knew! I knew about your mom and you never told Marissa. Your brother died and your mom tried to die the next year.”

There was so much emotion in her voice. I heard the sob in her throat, but I refused to feel sorry. I heard the unspoken insinuation. If I had spoken up and told them what was going on, that still wouldn’t have made it better. Heaving a deep breath, I said, “I know you’re going to say otherwise, but you couldn’t have handled what was going on in my life.”

“You didn’t even let me try!” Pressing a hand to her mouth, she tried to quiet her sobs. “Marissa told me that she saw you. I went home for break and stopped at your house a few times, but I ran into her at Eric’s house. He had a party. She said you looked good.”

“She did?”

She nodded, more tears falling free. Her chin kept quivering. “She did. She said some things hadn’t changed. You and Jesse were sneaking around again.” Glancing around, her smile was shaky. “I guess that’s not true anymore. You’re living here, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I emailed you a few times. I should’ve called, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I just, I don’t know what I wanted.”

“I don’t check my personal email that much. It’s been mostly my school email. I have the same cell phone.”

“I know. After Marissa told me how cold you were to her, I figured the element of surprise was the best course. I don’t know. Stupid, now that I think about it. Whatever.” She took another deep breath. Her voice didn’t tremble so much. “I emailed Jesse, can you believe that? He told me that you’d be here and he said this was the best time to come. We came to town for the game. Justin wanted to watch Jesse’s game, you know, an old teammate and all.”

“Justin’s here?”

“No. He dropped me off. I told him I’d wait for you to come home. He’s at the game.”

“So you’re missing the game?”

She nodded. “God, Alex.” She shook her head, “I can’t believe it. You look…like you’re old self.”

“I do?”

“Yeah.” A tentative smile started to grow over her face. “You look good. You look almost like that party girl from our freshman year. Remember that year?”

The hole in my chest closed off. It went to shelter where it was safe and protected. “No,” I answered. “I don’t want to remember that year. It was my last year with Ethan.”

“Oh.” Her smile was wiped clean. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that.”

I was growing tired of this. “What do you want, Angie?”

“I wanted to see you.”

I continued to stare at her. She was lying.

Her shoulders drooped. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”

There was more. I felt it from her.

Finally, she admitted, “I wanted to apologize for last year.”

There it was. I bit out, “Why?”

She flinched from my tone, it was so cold. “I don’t think I was a good friend to you. I know I wasn’t a good friend to you. I made you break up with Jesse, then that last summer when…” Her words faded. She still couldn’t talk about it.

No one could. No one understood it and even I didn’t, but I knew the cause. “Did Eric ever tell you about that night in my kitchen? When he came in and I was burning something?”

She jerked a shoulder up.

So he had.

This was the moment; this was where everyone became so uneasy because this was the time when people didn’t want to hear about the amount of pain someone might have been going through. Hannah understood it. Beth understood it. I didn’t know how, but I knew they did. I knew something had happened so atrociously in their lives that they were changed. They would always be changed and that’s how it was for me. That letter shattered me and people didn’t want to admit that could happen. Because if they had to accept that it could happen to them as well and no one wanted to admit that fact to themselves.

Angie grew up in a good family. She had good parents who loved her and a family that would be there for her so it made sense why she didn’t want to hear what happened to me. Why would she? Why would a person like that want to experience the pain that I had? Even if it meant being a good friend?

I understood why Eric had been scared. I understood why Angie and Justin had shied away from me. They didn’t want to know the amount of pain that I’d been feeling so I kept to myself. They knew, but when I got that letter from my parents, I couldn’t keep it checked and hidden anymore. The pain was too much. It had started to mingle with rage until it became one and the same. It made me look different. It made me walk different. It made me act different, think different, feel different. It was like an arm had been cut off from me. I kept going, but I couldn’t grow another arm. Except for me, it was feeling loved. It was having a family. It was being supported. But it was gone, that letter just cemented it and I no longer had the ability to keep hiding.

Angie would never understand that. So I couldn’t even start to explain it. Instead, I only murmured, “You’re off the hook.”