Broken Barriers (Barriers Series Book 4) (6 page)

After a quick walk through town to buy new supplies, the kayak trip back to the cottage seemed to take twice as long as before. I shut off my phone after I put everything away since the mental fatigue had finally won out. My body wasn’t used to this life.

My arms ached even worse now from rowing, and I was more tired as I woke up from a late afternoon nap than I was when I lay down. Rolling over on the living room sofa, I watched the last few minutes of daylight as the reds and oranges gleamed over the calm water of the lake. Cicadas buzzed outside, and the sounds of the water lapping against the shoreline brought a sense of relaxation I hadn’t experienced in well over a year. My weary eyes wanted to shut again, but I knew the flashbacks would begin again, too. The fact I had managed a peaceful sleep for the last two hours was a miracle alone. I forced myself to get up. My throbbing arms nearly gave out as they pushed my body up off the sofa.

I slowly ran my hands over my face and threaded my fingers through my hair into a disorganized mess, or as I liked to call it, the
just fucked
look. My feet felt as though they were being weighed down by cinder blocks as I made my way toward the fridge. I grabbed a clean glass from the cabinet and pushed it onto the water lever on the fridge. A few chunks of ice cubes fell and clanked into the glass, and I filled the glass with water soon after.

As I waited for the glass to fill, I noticed a black and pink magnet holding a couple of notes and business cards to the stainless steel appliance. The word
Trouvaille
was the main title scrolled in pink on the business card. I removed it from underneath the magnet just as the glass was done filling. Below the shop name were five words that had me more intrigued about the girl who made my body more aware than anything else in months.

My tongue licked my lips just before the cool sensation of the water hit them. I held the thin card between my fingers and stared at the words one more time.
Dreams can heal your soul
. Then I flipped the card over to see the business hours listed as well as information about the shop. Cupcakes, coffee, and art…oh, and free wireless Internet. I barked out a laugh at that one. The joys of having Internet at the touch of your fingers seemed all but foreign to me. I’d grown accustomed to it again, but everything took time. Or at least that was what I kept reminding myself.

I finished gulping back the water and let the ice clink against the empty bottom before placing the glass into the sink. I tossed the business card onto the counter and watched it slide halfway across. With nothing else planned for the night, I walked to the back door and shoved my feet into my leather flip-flops and headed out onto the deck. A few owls started hooting from the trees as my feet slowly walked down the stairs.

The last bit of evening light left a faint hint of the path leading to the docks visible. A few small trail lights cast a simple shadow as I moved toward the water. Dried-up pinecones crunched under my feet as I trudged to the docks. There had always been something serene about the water. It mellowed my inner turmoil like nothing else. It was probably one of the many reasons why I instantly chose to stay here until I could bring myself back into the real world.

I stopped walking the instant my feet reached the end of the wooden dock. I kicked off my flip-flops and sat on the edge to dangle my feet in the cool, refreshing water. I turned my head to stare at the clear sky above me. Stars were burning brighter with each minute that passed. Thoughts consumed me of a night quite like this one, only there was nothing remotely relaxing about it.

All of a sudden bright flashes of white and orange lights streamed across the evening sky. The images instantly had me reaching for my rifle stock and the strap that should have been at my shoulder. My eyes slammed shut while my heart palpitated in my chest. My blood pulsed through my veins, and the hammering in my head would not subside.

I didn’t realize where I was anymore. Thoughts of one night raced across my mind, and I couldn’t push them away, no matter how hard I tried. Those memories were what shattered me in my sleep and were still fresh on my mind. I wished they weren’t, but they were.

The guys were all hanging out in my can and enjoying the contraband items sent over for my birthday. If there was one person who would be able to smuggle nip bottles of tequila and Jack Daniels to me, it was my brother-in-law. God bless Josh.

In addition to the booze, he managed to ship over several new DVDs, new socks and underwear, and freshly baked banana bread. Well, freshly baked a week ago when he mailed it. Evidently, Courtney felt the need to contribute something, and she knew it was my favorite.

I almost threw it out, but couldn’t let it go to waste. Plus, the guys had already seen the contents of the box as I opened it earlier, and there was no way in hell it was being tossed.

Over here, we didn’t get these so-called delicacies. We had the standard military-issued chow every day. Unless, of course, it was a holiday or some sort of military milestone, then they splurged and maybe gave us a nice meal.

The sounds of Fall Out Boy thumped heavily against the poster-covered steel walls of our living quarters. Some Vince Vaughn comedy was playing on the TV, but no one was paying any attention to it since Club MP was currently going on for my birthday.

The shots of tequila gave me the numbness I needed to force thoughts of Courtney away. I only wished it wasn’t so hard. No matter how much I didn’t want her in my head each day, she was there and wouldn’t be leaving any time soon.

My mind wandered back to the present. Fireworks being set off at another lake house for the Fourth of July had pushed me to this state. My head hung in dejection over something that could have been avoided. It wasn’t, though, and I couldn’t change the past. No more than a week after my birthday, I received word about Courtney getting married, almost a year to the day from our last encounter at the airport.

I angrily pushed my fingers into my temples to hopefully forget the past and focus on the future sooner rather than later.

A loud splash in the water caught my attention, but I couldn’t see where it was coming from. My hearing wasn’t what it used to be, but I could almost be certain it was from directly across the bay. A single light from a house glowed brightly amidst all the evergreen trees that surrounded much of the property around these parts.

My eyes darted to the location to catch any kind of movement. Not knowing what or who might be around me caused my heart rate to accelerate slightly. I knew I was no longer in a war zone. Typically, in this situation, I could easily have just reached for my night vision goggles and determined if there was any danger by this point already. Here, I was vulnerable to everything, and I had no way of knowing. I couldn’t jump to conclusions anymore. I had to keep telling myself this was only temporary and eventually I’d adjust and things would be normal again.

A rumbling laugh vibrated through my chest, and I shook my head in defeat. I lay back onto the dock with my feet still swinging over the edge. As I gazed up at the sky, everything finally settled within me.
This was the lake, you moron… What danger were you possibly in?

Suddenly, images of Josh and Sam’s wedding came to mind. Why my mind yearned to always return to that night I never knew. It was this time of night when those two danced beneath the stars for their first dance as a married couple. I watched from afar as Courtney captured it all on camera. If it weren’t for her, that moment wouldn’t be remembered forever—kind of like the framed photo in the house that held so much significance. The moment between Courtney and me…only the two of us actually knew the thoughts going through our heads. The only problem was, she never heard my head screaming how much I loved her.

The painful memory of that moment coursed through my veins. With a strengthened growl, my mouth dropped open, and I let out a painful scream. Yes, I was the stupid moron who never said the right things at the right time. I could not fix past wrongs, and now that I was home surrounded by everything that reminded me of her, I felt as though I was drowning. As I sat back up on the dock, my vision blurred. My shoulders slumped as a lone tear fell from my eyes. Tension formed in my chest, and I had no idea how much time passed as I glanced around through my clouded eyes.

Getting to my feet, I slipped my flip-flops back on and made the trek back to the house. When I was back inside, I grabbed the unopened bottle of tequila from the lower cabinet and pulled out the wooden stopper. I didn’t bother with a glass. I just tilted my head back and took a large chug. The liquid swished back into the bottle when my mouth was full, and I swallowed.

The burn flowed down my throat, but the warmth remained, and it felt amazing. I didn’t even cough after taking such a large swig. I needed to feel this. I needed to feel the emptiness that was inside me get washed out by the liquor. After another long drink, I slid the bottle onto the counter and reached for my phone.

As the home screen lit up, I turned on the music app and hooked into the wireless speaker in the house. I listened as Amy Lee and Seether belted out the lyrical agony from “Broken.” My fist slammed onto the granite counter on the island. The throbbing pain shot through my knuckles, but at least I was feeling something besides the bitter emptiness that had been there for far too long.

A single lamp in the living room cast a soft glow over the darkened room, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the windows. The man that stared back at me was not the man I used to be. Pain lay deep within him, and I saw how much it had changed him.

I walked closer, and the image became more defined. The water beyond the window was no longer visible—just my face—and it was telling me everything I needed to know.

“You dumb fuck,” I said to myself, shaking my head in disbelief. “You made your bed a long time ago.” I lifted my arm to lean it on the glass gingerly and rested my forehead against the glass. My eyes closed to stop me from looking at what I’d turned into.

I’d lost the fight. I’d lost her. I’d lost the battle against time.

Now, it was time to move on.

I pushed off the glass and raised my head. My fist flexed to release the pressure from hitting the counter, and my eyes looked up in the process. I didn’t see me in the glass any longer. A single light shone across the bay, and over my shoulder in the reflection I saw Courtney’s face.

“I’m so sorry, Court.” My words were barely audible as they fell from my lips. “I’ve got to find my way back to who I was. Loving you was never a mistake. I will always love you, but I’ve got to move on and find myself again.”

The light in the window disappeared, and Courtney’s image was gone. Suddenly, the room was lonely and empty. The only sounds were those coming from the speakers. A new song started, and Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger sang the lyrics to “Let Me Go” that spoke to my soul. I had to let her go.

I turned and walked back to the kitchen with my head held high. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but it wasn’t
completely
gone… No, it was still there. It was just a little lighter. It was a start, but I knew I’d have days where I wouldn’t be able to ignore what happened in the past.

She was always going to be a part of my life. She was Josh’s sister, and I had to face the fact that she’d be at family gatherings and holidays. Her husband would be there, too. I had to be ready to handle those times, and I would be. I was confident I could move forward and be stronger than ever.

Tomorrow was the first day to a new life.

The MRAP, or Transformers version of a Hummer as I called it, was making our usual run to another base about thirty minutes away. Five Finger Death Punch’s rendition of “Bad Company” was playing on an old school CD player we had mounted next to the bikini-clad hula babe on the dashboard. Everything about this trip was supposed to be routine. D-Rock, Lockmonster, and Smitty were my usual back-up singers. My given nickname was Big Dick Daley. I wasn’t complaining, especially with that nickname.