Broken (Broken #1) (24 page)

“
Let go of
me,” I tug myself free and continue gathering my things. My
shoulder hits his chest as I shove past, my arms filled with
clothes.

As I bend over my suitcase he
waits by the door, his tongue once again teasing his lower lip. “I
don’t have to help you, Gwen. But I am. I’m here, you have
somewhere to live, and you have everything you need. I promised you
I’d provide for you and that’s what I’m doing.”

“
You don’t
want me here. I’m here because of the guilt you feel.”

“
Guilt over
what?” He scoffs, spinning me around again. I’m sick of being
spun.

“
I don’t
know!” I shout, looking into his broken eyes and feeling my heart
stammer. “I don’t know what guilt you feel. What other reason am I
here?” He doesn’t respond but I see a shadow of emotion flicker in
his eyes. Almost like he has an answer to that question but refuses
to say it. Chris, I don’t even care right now. “Let me
go.”

“
And where
will you go? What will you do?”

“
I don’t
care.”

“
You’re not
leaving, I’ve apologised, now put it behind you. It’s not worth
it.”

“
Christ, you
are such an…” Don’t swear, don’t make him angrier than he already
is. “I don’t know… I just… move out of my bloody way.”

“
I’m sorry,
okay? I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear?”

“
I don’t want
anything from you.”

“
Whether you
want it or not,” he snaps, giving my arm a shake to bring my eyes
to his. I almost cower at the anger and darkness swirling in his
light brown irises. “You need it. If you leave, where are you going
to go? You have nobody to turn to.”

“
I’ll figure
it out,” I continue throwing things in my case. In a flash it’s
gone from my bed and is hitting the wall with a loud thud. The
contents spill out all over the ground.

He did not just do that.

Nathan stands to the side, his
chest heaving, “You’re not leaving. Do you understand?”

“
You can’t
hold me here.”

“
I will if I
have to. I made a mistake, I got angry and I’ve apologised. I’ll
say it a thousand times if I have to. I’m sorry, I’m fucking
sorry,” he glares down at me, his breath coming out in shallow
pants. “I will lock you in this room, don’t test me.”

My mouth drops open, I take a
step back. He wouldn’t dare… he couldn’t. There’s no way he’d do
that.

“
Shout at me,
get angry with me, do something. Just don’t leave,” I’m startled by
the desperation in his voice but it does nothing to deter
me.

“
I would, but
you’re not that special,” I hiss as venomously as he hissed it at
me.

“
You’re
right,” he says without blinking and comes closer. “I’m not. I
don’t pretend to be. But you are,” his hand grips me by the back of
my neck. “You are. Caleb didn’t deserve you Gwen. I’ll never
deserve you.”

What? What does that even
mean?

“
Stay,” he
dips his head to look me directly in the eye. His head now only an
inch from mine. “I’m sorry. Believe me,” His hand wraps around mine
and it’s soon pressed against his chest. I feel his rapid pulse
beneath my fingers, mine speeds up with it, shocked at his… well…
this entire situation. I know how difficult it must be for him to
touch my hand and the fact he hasn’t yet pulled away seems to
startle us both. “I’ve never been sorrier in my life.”

Another tear falls from my eye,
wetting a path behind it.

“
I’ll stay
out of your way I promise.”

Closing my eyes for a moment I
listen to his ragged breathing whilst feeling his heartbeat under
my hand. What options do I have? I don’t have any. It’s either:
stay here and figure out a way to get money to move on with, or
leave and struggle.

My confused thoughts and
feelings don’t relent and the fog that is my mind only thickens
with each passing second.

Guilt encompasses me in a
relentless embrace as I realise I like having my hand there, I like
being in Nathan’s company. I’m not sure if it’s because of some
strange attachment issues now his brother’s gone but I feel it all
the same. The broken look in his eyes seems to spark a whole new
feeling, a feeling where I want to get to the depth of his break
and put the pieces back together.

I’m going against Caleb’s
wishes being here. I promised him I’d stay away from Nathan. I had
no other choice but to come… or did I? Am I just making excuses so
I can be close to the man that looks like my dead lover?

Nathan presses his lips to my
forehead and takes a step back, “Get some rest, and think on it. If
you still want to leave in the morning I’ll arrange accommodation
for you.”

I nod. This is a good bargain
to agree to. “Okay.”

“
Gwen,” he
says before leaving the room. I look up, his broken eyes tearing
into my soul. “I am truly sorry.”

“
I
know.”

He dips his head and leaves the
room, closing the door behind him.

What am I doing?

What am I doing here?

Chapter
TWelve

I go to my next doctor’s
appointment, Jeanine drops me off and waits for me to finish. I’m
not diabetic, I’m perfectly healthy but my baby is going to be
huge. This should cheer me up, the baby and everything is alright;
it just doesn’t. My mind is still in a funk over yesterday’s
events. I want to go to Mr and Mrs Weston and claw at their faces
whilst hissing and spitting like a cat. I want to scream at them
for being so cold and cruel.

There’s one thing I know for
sure, when they realise this is Caleb’s baby they can kiss their
rights as grandparents, goodbye.

Jeanine notices my silence and
tries to get me talking but I can’t. I just don’t feel like it. She
soon gives up but I know she doesn’t hold it against me.

Thoughts of Caleb are once
again prominent in my mind. It’s hard to deal with. I miss him so
much and he should’ve been there for the doctor’s appointment. He
should have been there with me, holding my hand and getting
excited.

Nothing about this excites me
anymore.

I don’t understand any of this.
I don’t understand their hate and anger for me. This isn’t
something I’ve brought to Nathan’s attention before, it’s not
something I’ve asked him but I can’t deny the temptation to. What
have I done that’s made two clearly well raised people, hate me so
damn bad?

Why would they cut Nathan off
like they did Caleb? Is it truly because of what their mother said?
Because Caleb spent his last moments with me?

How is that my fault? Neither
of us knew he was going to die.

Maybe it’s the guilt they feel
for shunning him and now that they’ve lost him they wish they could
have that time back.

I don’t know.

None of this makes sense.

When I finally get back to
Nathan’s I’m relieved to see he’s absent, much like he was this
morning. I don’t know where he is and I don’t really care. He’s a
grown man, he can do what he wants.

As I’m sat on the counter in
the kitchen there’s a knock at the door. I don’t want to answer it
but I do anyway and I’m shocked to see blondie standing there,
shifting nervously on her feet.

“
Hi,” I say
as she realises I’m not Nathan and her shoulders sag. “I don’t know
where he is.”

“
Did he tell
you to say that?” Her disbelief is warranted I guess.

I shake my head, “No, I haven’t
seen him since yesterday.”

“
Oh…” She
twists her hands in front of her. “If you see him please tell him
to call me.”

“
Sure,” I go
to close the door but she calls out once more.

“
Is he… are
you? I mean… is he seeing someone else?”

Is he? “Honestly, I have no
idea. I promised him I wouldn’t invade his privacy so I haven’t. I
didn’t even know about you until the other day when we first met.”
I give her an apologetic smile and look her up and down. She looks
cold. Where’s her car? “Where’s your car?”

“
I
walked.”

“
From the
village?” Is she crazy? That’s a seven mile walk. Not including our
long driveway.

“
Yeah,” she
takes a step back. “Thanks… umm…”

“
It’s
Gwen.”

“
Right, I’m
Lorna. It was nice to meet you,” she nervously tucks her hair
behind her ear and descends the two steps leading from the door.
“Take care.”

I close the door, worried for
the woman’s welfare but figuring she got herself here so she can
get back. Her relationship with Nathan must be more serious than I
thought. Oh well, it’s not my business. I just hope she doesn’t
think I’m out to steal her man because I’m totally not. I don’t
want a reputation as boyfriend stealer.

The village is small, word
travels.

I pad into the room and fire up
my laptop. There’s nothing much I can think of doing that I’d
enjoy, so moments later I switch it off and blow out a breath of
air. I hate how grey the skies are up here. I daren’t venture
through the trees when the sky is so dark even though it’s two in
the afternoon. I might get lost even if I do follow the markings I
placed on trees.

My geography never was very
good and I never could figure out how to work a compass. It points
north, that’s great. But even if it points north I won’t know which
direction will take me back to the village. Although I do have GPS
on my phone, I’m lucky if I can get a signal long enough to receive
a text message, let alone an internet connection.

I miss my friends. I miss being
close to people I know.

Part of me even misses my mum,
even if I do hate her guts right now.

Picking up my phone, I scroll
through my contacts until I find Tommy’s number. It rings a few
times before he answers which brings me joy I haven’t felt in a
while. “Hey you,” he says softly. “It’s been a while.”

“
Yeah,” I say
and move into the kitchen. Reception is better in here. “I miss
you.”

“
Miss you
too. Maybe I can come out and see you soon.”

“
I’d love
that,” seriously I would. “What have you been doing?”

“
Not much,”
he pauses for a moment. “I passed.”

“
Oh my god.”
Blink. “Oh my god! Tommy that’s brilliant. I’m so pleased for
you.”

“
Thanks Gwen,
university isn’t the same without you though.”

My joy flickers to sorrow,
“Yeah. I miss it.”

“
You’ll go
back one day. Until then keep making delicious food and send me
pictures. When I come down I’m never leaving your place and you’re
never leaving the kitchen. I want a feast fit for a king,” he
demands playfully. “Sasha misses you.”

“
I miss her
too.”

“
How are
things with Nathan? I bet it’s weird isn’t it?”

You have no idea. “Just a tad.
He mostly stays out of my way though. I don’t even know where he is
today.”

“
Are you
getting on?”

Are we? “Yes. There have been a
few disagreements,” understatement of the century. “But we’ve moved
past them.”

“
Why do I
feel like you’re not telling me something?”

I have no idea. “I’m telling
you everything.”

“
Okay,” he
doesn’t believe me. “I have to go. I’m meeting Zoe in twenty
minutes. Keep in touch.” Zoe?

“
You
too.”

I hang up the phone and walk
over to the fridge. I hope he can come down, if he does I’ll
definitely make him a feast fit for a king.

My mind drifts to Nathan and
although I’m still angry at him, I’m wondering if he’ll be back for
dinner. I text him and ask him but after an hour, I still have no
reply.

The fridge is bare and needs
restocking urgently. There’s not much in the ways of good meal food
but what is there is edible.

I’m desperate to do the
shopping but Nathan still isn’t back and the sun has finally
started to descend. Leaning back, I pick at my meal and casually
rub my stomach. Today has been a better day, not a great one but
with the anger I’ve felt it’s helped to keep my mind from things it
seems to like clinging to. Aka Caleb and how much I ache for
him.

I hate how much easier it’s
becoming. It’s still hard, really fucking hard, but it’s not as
hard.

The days don’t move as slowly
and the pain in my chest isn’t constant. It only comes when I think
of him or when I’m reminded of him. The pain is welcome. It reminds
me that my life with him was real.

The door opens and shuts with a
bang causing me to jump in my seat. Nathan strolls into the room,
his tongue teasing his lower lip. “Get ready, I’m taking you
out.”

“
What?”

“
You heard
me. Get ready.”

“
Where?” I
ask, eyeing him as he grabs my jacket.

“
There’s a…
just get ready.”

“
Fine,” I
sigh and allow him to help me with my coat. In seconds we’re
outside and I’m being lifted into his car. “Now I’m
intrigued.”

He smiles slightly as he climbs
into the driver’s seat, “You’ll enjoy it… I hope.”

“
Blondie came
to see you today,” I announce as the engine starts up.

“
Who?”

“
Lorna, your
girlfriend.”

His smile vanishes, only to be
replaced with a frown, “She’s not my girlfriend.”