Broken Course (31 page)

"Shit," he mumbles.

"You remember his wife from the bar? The tiny woman with the kind smile? Yeah, I hit her once too."

His eyes pop in surprise, and I walk over and crawl into his lap, straddling his legs. He may want to get rid of me, but for the next part of this, I need his full attention. If I’m right about why he’s on edge tonight, he needs to hear this more than anything else.

"It was the only way I could express the feelings that were constantly multiplying inside me. But I had an outlet. It may have been the wrong way of expelling the anguish, but it was something. Now I want you to imagine how excruciating it would have been if I had kept all of that shit bottled up. That’s what Casey went through. She had to live alone with the secrets and the knowledge of what she did."

"She didn’t have to, Sarah," he bites out.

"No talking, remember? I won’t get into Casey’s story or the whys. You should know there are a few factors from that night that may not excuse their actions but will definitely shed a new light on the choices that were made. One day, I’ll let her tell you her side, but tonight, I’m telling you
mine.
" I loop my arms around his neck. "If I could go back to that night I broke into Jesse’s apartment, I would. Actually, I would change something about almost every day of my life, but that’s not possible. Casey is no different. She took off and left town, unable to face any of us. And Eli took a slightly different approach. He tried to make things right."

Leo’s shoulders stiffen, confirming my suspicions from earlier.

"Eli decided to become Brett’s and Caleb’s best friend. Did you know he once bought twenty chairs from Caleb when he found out that woodworking took Caleb’s mind off life? He dumped a huge amount of his savings on chairs that he just ended up giving away because he had no where to keep them.

"And if Brett needed something, Eli was always there. For the first few months after the wreck, I ran off every sitter Brett could hire. He didn’t want to leave my side, but he had to get back to work. He started working nights so I’d be asleep while he was gone. He still worried though, especially after the first time I tried to kill myself." I pause as the emotions creep into my throat. "Eli volunteered to start sleeping on our couch. They didn’t think I noticed since I never really came out of my room. But about ten minutes after Brett walked out of the house that first night, I heard Eli break down. I didn’t understand it back then, but the sound of this otherwise strong man sobbing lulled me to sleep. I’ll never forget it as long as I live.

"So, yes, Eli fucked up. He did a terrible, horrible thing, but if a terrible, horrible person like myself can’t forgive him, who will?"

"And I love that you feel that way,
ángel
. But it doesn’t change the fact that he ruined your life. He should have done the right thing to begin with. He should have been a fucking man and not left you for dead." He brushes the hair off my shoulder, trying to offer me his magical comfort, but I’m not the one who needs it tonight.

"You’re not Eli, Leo," I whisper.

"I didn’t say I was," he quickly answers.

"No, but you were thinking it. That’s why you got so pissy earlier, isn’t it?"

"No," he responds, but even though it’s only a single word, I can tell it’s a lie.

"Let me tell you why—" I start, and Leo suddenly lifts me off his lap and shifts me to the couch next to him as he jumps to his feet.

"No! I don’t want you to tell me why. For fuck’s sake, I feel like I’m dating a shrink. I want you to let this shit rip me to shreds because that is what I deserve. Don’t make me feel better. Tell me I’m a fucking piece of shit!"

"Then tell me I’m a piece of shit. Because if you are, I am too!" I shout back at him.

He stares at me for a minute before beginning to pace the room and speaking Spanish so fast that I can’t even pick out a single word.

"Stop speaking in Spanish. If you’re going to talk shit about yourself, at least use words I can understand."

He stills and looks over at me blankly.

"Well, since you don’t seem to be able to adequately express yourself in English, I’m going to be forced to repeat: You. Are. Not. Eli."

"Fuck," he growls, stomping past me into the kitchen.

I flop down on the couch and begin picking at my nails, waiting for him to settle down. It’s not a quick process, so I start scrolling through my phone as I listen to him pace.

"Here," Leo says, walking back into the room, placing a beer and glass of wine down on the table in front of us.

"You know, if I drink that, I’m not leaving."

"Well, it doesn’t appear that you’re leaving anyway," he snarks but then gives me a quick kiss. He grabs his beer off the table before letting out a resigned sigh. "Four years ago, I sat next to Erica as our identities were stripped from us upon entry into the Witness Protection Program. I spent over two hours arguing with them because they tried to separate us. They
should
have separated us," he quickly clarifies before leaning forward and passing me the wine. "We had formed this completely unhealthy bond—her fears and my need to keep her safe. The whole team was convinced we were romantically involved, because back then, I would sleep on the floor of her hotel room every night. I want to sit here and tell you she needed me. She didn’t.
I needed her.
"

He takes another sip of his beer and I follow suit with my wine.

"She freaked out, screaming and crying, when they told her they couldn’t allow us to be together. I knew they were right. She would have been better off without me, but I was so fucking selfish. I knew
I
wouldn’t be better without
her
. So I fought them. I argued them in circles and finally told them we wouldn’t testify if they tried to split us. I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do. Half of the drug dealers in the country wanted my head for all the incriminating evidence I had against them. But I grabbed her hand and marched out of the office. We got all the way to the street before they thankfully stopped us. We both would have been dead by the end of the night if they hadn’t. I was just so desperate back then…" he trails off, covering his face with his free hand.

I try to scratch his back, but he shrinks away from my touch. "Leo, that sounds like you were in a really bad situation, but I don’t necessarily think anything you did was wrong. You wanted to protect Erica after everything that happened to her. Can’t you see that it was a somewhat noble thing to do?"

"I had lunch with Caleb today," he announces, suddenly changing the topic.

"I thought you had a business meeting at lunch?"

"I did. It was with Caleb," he answers frankly.

"Um, okay."

"I wanted to ask him about Eli. He applied for one of my open positions. I recognized his name from hearing you talk about him and Casey. I never really got the full picture there though. I knew it was Casey who was driving the car that night, but I didn’t really understand Eli’s role in the accident until today."

"Wait. Why the hell didn’t you just ask me?"

"Because I know you, Sarah. You can forgive everyone in the world except for yourself. I wanted the truth, not your rose-colored version of it."

"That’s not fair. The truth is the truth no matter which way you spin it. He’s not a bad guy because he was trying to protect Casey."

"He left two woman for dead on the side of the road—one of them being
my
woman."

I let out an exasperated sigh, knowing that this conversation is going nowhere. When he puts it like that, I can’t honestly blame Leo for being pissed.

"Okay, fine. So you don’t like him. Don’t hire him. There are other jobs he can get."

"Sarah, you don’t get it. Yes, Caleb told me all about the chairs and how he really stepped up for Brett. The reason people hate him is not necessarily because of what he did. It’s how he handled it afterward. He befriended the people he’d wronged. Can you just for a second take a step back and look at this whole situation objectively?"

"Fine, yes. It was messed up," I begrudgingly answer.

"Ding, ding, ding," Leo chimes before draining his beer and standing to get another one. "Which is exactly why I wanted to be alone tonight. Eli and I have entirely too much in common. The person I wronged is now my best friend." He walks to the kitchen.

"You’re not Eli!" I call out, jumping to my feet to follow him.

"I don’t think I am Eli. I just think he’s a selfish son of a bitch in a ‘Hello, kettle. You’re black’ kind of way."

"Why the fuck are you even concerned with Eli? You want me to stop hanging out with him? Fine. Whatever it takes for you to stop acting like a brooding child. Casey is my friend though. I won’t accept you dictating my relationship with her."

"A brooding child? Jesus, aren’t you one to talk!" He laughs manically.

"So, we’re doing it like this, huh? You want to take some stabs at me to make yourself feel better? Go for it!" I swing my arms out to my sides. "But when this shit is over, you’re going to feel worse."

"God damn!" he screams so loud that it echoes off the walls, but I stand my ground.

"There you go. Get pissed. We haven’t broken your dishes yet. Have a go at them."

He shakes his head and begins to crack his knuckles. "I hate you sometimes," he fumes, but his voice cracks at the end.

"I hate you too. But only because I love you so fucking much and you always talk shit about my boyfriend." I cross my arms and give him a pointed look. "I’m not going to sit here and try to fill your head with all the ways that what you did wasn’t wrong—even though it wasn’t. All that matters is how you feel about yourself. You know what I love about our relationship? We can forgive each other anything, but looking at ourselves in the mirror is damn near impossible. So how about this? I’ll love you and you love me. And maybe that will be enough."

"That sounds like a terrible plan," Leo responds, grabbing the back of my neck and pulling me into his chest. "How do you always make things so bearable?" he asks, kissing the top of my head.

"The same way you do it for me. When my vision tunnels, you always find a way to remove the blinders. You also have to remember I’ve been dealing with my shit a lot longer than you have. You should see the hours I’ve logged in therapy. It was my full-time job for almost two years."

He sighs, and I can feel his pulse gradually slowing in his chest.

"Any chance I can convince you to start seeing someone again?"

He laughs.

"Maybe start taking some anti-depressants?" I continue. "I think they would help you a lot."

"Seeing someone, yes. Drugs, no." He releases me but only long enough to grab my hand and guide me back over to the couch.

"Can you at least agree to explain to me why?"

When he lets out an exasperated sigh, I quickly amend my statement.

"Not tonight. Maybe next week. We’ve done enough talking for one Thursday night. Hell, maybe even an entire month of Thursdays."

"Yeah. Next week," he mumbles then places a gentle kiss on my lips.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s not going to be that easy to get him to explain this one though.

Emma: So apparently Kara and Hunter are back together. Are you going to freak if she comes to Collin’s birthday party with him?

Me: Jesse’s best friend, Kara?

Emma: Yes

Me: The one who lived with Jesse when I broke into her apartment?

Emma: Yes

Me: Yes, I’m going to freak if she comes!

My phone begins ringing in my hand and I see Emma’s name flashing onto the screen

"Stop," she orders immediately.

"No way. I’m not coming if she’s there," I answer, putting the tape and scissors down.

"You’ve seen Jesse since that night and she married your ex-husband. I figured that would be way more reason to freak than Kara."

"Saying hi to Jesse is a far cry from hanging out with Kara at a twelve-person birthday party. Aren’t y’all doing a party with Brett and Jesse anyway? Invite them to that one."

"Yes, but Hunter and Alex are only in town this weekend. In my defense, I originally invited them to come up this weekend because Hunter was trying to avoid Kara. But apparently she found out he was in town and they got back together last night. I’ve spent the morning listening to him replay their sexual escapades. That girl’s a freak. I really think you’d like her." She laughs, but I find nothing humorous about this situation.