Bruises of the Heart (10 page)

"Mom, Noah is just a friend. He was just stopping to see if I needed anything," I said, knowing the words didn't hold the conviction of being completely true.

"That may be how you feel, but after watching him with you today, I don't think he feels the same. He was very protective of you and I think that you were trying to protect him, as well. Why is the question that you have to answer for yourself, and then talk to Noah and Will. I know that everything right now is a little confusing and I wish I could just tell you what to do, but I can't. This is a decision that you have to make on your own."

"I know, but I don't think that it's all as complicated as you make it sound," I said.

"Well, I'm always here to talk to, but you already know that." She reached over and squeezed my hand, then got up and went into the cabin.

I stayed on the swing for a little while, then I got up and went to change my clothes. Putting on my jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt and then taking my hair down made me feel a little more like myself again. I had an irresistible urge to go to the barn and see Lily.

Mom said nothing when she saw what I had changed into, and when I left the cabin, she only smiled at me. She knew exactly where I was going and why. The barn had always been a thinking spot for me. It was also a hiding spot. I'd run here when I'd been little and crawled into one of the stalls when I'd been in trouble, and when I'd gotten older I would come here to figure things out.

Lily heard me approach and stuck her head over the door of her stall. She whooshed out a breath when I got to her and started nudging my hand, looking for a carrot. I scratched her between her eyes and then around her ears before giving in to her demands and going to find her something for a treat.

I spent a little more time with her before wandering out toward the pastures. It was such a nice afternoon. The cool breeze blew my hair around my face and it helped to calm me. My thoughts were a jumble in my head. I wondered where I should even begin.

I was tempted to clear my mind and think of nothing, but I knew it was too full to try. I found a spot in the tall grasses and lied back, staring up at the sky. It was a clear blue day with white puffy clouds starting to tint with gold as the sun started to set.

I reviewed the events of the afternoon and tried very hard to be objective. To an outside observer it would seem Noah did care for me, but I wasn't sure of my feelings for him. I wasn't sure of my feelings for Will right then, either.

Will said he loved me, and he had come after me. But had he come to give me a ride home, or to continue our argument away from his parents' house? And if he had been there to continue the argument, what would he have done next? I touched my upper arm and could see in my head the beginnings of the bruise, clearly evident when I'd been changing. Even though he scared me a little sometimes, I felt like I owed him so much. It had been Will and his attention that had finally lifted me out of the depression I had sunk myself in after Noah had broken up with me.

Ah, Noah. I still wished our break up had never happened, but it had, and now I really wasn't sure if I could trust him with my heart or if he even wanted it back. It had felt so good having him hold my hand today. It had been warm and familiar and comfortable. Life with Noah had always been easy
—
maybe too easy. Maybe the easiness had been why he had felt the need to end it, because he needed something more.

I had a lot of maybes and not enough answers
—
like that was something new. But now I felt I was running out of time and I couldn't explain that notion, either.

The sky had turned a deep purple while I had lain there thinking. I looked around. I could see the outline of the house and barn and the shadowy silhouettes of the horses nearby. It was peaceful here, and I wished my brain was more at peace as well.

I walked back to the cabin and found my mom on the porch swing with a book. She looked up when I walked over to her and she swung her legs off to make room for me.

"I turned the ringer off on the landline and both of our cell phones completely off as well. I hope that you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind. Was it really bad?" I asked, feeling guilty.

"No, but after the third call in five minutes I decided that he wasn't really listening when I said that you would be gone for a while. Your cell barely stopped ringing, so that's when I called your grandparents and told them I was turning all the phones off for some quiet. I didn't want them to freak out if they couldn't get a hold of us."

"Do I even dare ask who it was?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer, but I already knew.

"Will," Mom said, watching me closely. "Were you hoping that it was someone else?"

"No, it's not that," I said, dropping my eyes to my lap. "I knew it would be him. Noah said that he wanted to talk, but would wait for me to call him."

"Did you get a lot of thinking done?" she asked, smiling at me. "Decide anything? Or figure anything out?"

"Not really. I always end up with more questions than answers. It's a little annoying."

"I know how frustrating that is. I'll let you in a little secret, though. That's what life is. As soon as you think you have something figured out, another thing happens and you're back to trying to answer more questions again."

"Great. So I have my whole life to look forward to this kind of stuff, huh?"

"Your whole life isn't going to seem quite so complicated. There will come a time when there aren't so many questions, and when they do come, maybe you'll have someone who can help you answer them."

"Yeah, I guess that would be nice. What do you do when you have questions? I mean, who do you talk to if you need to?"

"Your grandparents. They have always been so supportive of us that I think it was just natural to go to them and talk things through," she answered.

I sat there and just enjoyed the quiet on our porch. I was going to miss the sunsets with the streaks of gold reflecting off of the clouds. I was still waiting for my acceptance letters to arrive, but college seemed so far away at the moment I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't have the time.

I got up and went into the cabin. Mom followed me, moving into the kitchen to start dinner, and I went to my room. I resisted the urge to turn my phone back on and see how many messages I had waiting from Will. I obviously needed to figure out a few things, but I just didn't have the right focus now and I definitely didn't have the ambition.

After helping to clean up the kitchen after dinner, I grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and went out to the porch. I lied down on the swing and tried once again to make some sense out of everything that had happened. No matter how I looked at anything, my thoughts always came back to the fact Noah had broken my heart and Will had helped put it back together.

Was helping me piece my heart back together enough to listen to Will explain his behavior? Did I even dare call Noah and hear what he had to say? What if I broke things off with Will, hoping to work things out with Noah, and then it fell apart again?

Everything kept spinning around and around in my head until I had a headache. I closed my eyes and tried to clear all of the confusion from my mind. I could hear the wind rustling through the mostly bare tree branches and a few birds quietly chirruping. I drew in a deep breath of clean air and saw it as I exhaled. It was going to get cold tonight.

The next thing I knew, my mom was shaking me awake and telling me to come inside for bed. I was stiff from lying on the swing so long and it had gotten really cold. I changed as quickly as I could, then crawled under my covers, trying to keep my head as clear as possible.

For once I was able to and, to my surprise, I slept a dreamless sleep.

I woke late the next morning, feeling relaxed and refreshed
—
until the memories of the day before came crashing through my present thoughts. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head, hoping to keep them away just a little while longer.

I heard my mom moving around in the living room and decided to get up since my brain was already working overtime in the worry department.

"You're up early. Did you sleep well?" she asked.

"Yeah, I did, actually. What's with it being so cold?"

"I have no idea. I had to start a fire this morning, which I was glad to be done with, but apparently I celebrated a little prematurely. Do you have any plans for the day?" she asked over her shoulder as she moved to the kitchen.

"No," I replied, sinking down on the couch. "Have you turned the phones back on yet?"

"I turned the house and my cell back on before I went to bed last night. What about you?"

"Not yet. I don't think I will until later, either. I really don't want to hear from either of them right now," I said, sounding childish even to my ears.

I saw her smile, but she held whatever opinions she had to herself. I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, but didn't find anything I wanted to watch, so I turned it back off.

"What are you doing today?" I asked.

"Well, I'm going down to the house in a little while and then doing a run to the store. Want to join me?" she asked, smiling widely.

I rolled my eyes at her in response. I hated grocery shopping and she knew it. Feeling very restless, I got up and paced around the cabin. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and the feeling of being closed in was starting to get to me. I also had the sense of urgency I'd had yesterday and still hadn't figured out what all of that was about.

"If you don't stop soon you're going to make yourself dizzy. The cabin is only so big, you know. What's going on with you? Is it about what happened yesterday?"

"I don't know," I said, sounding whiny and exasperated all at the same time. "I feel like everything is coming apart and I don't know what to do about any of it. And to top everything else off, I feel like I don't have enough time to even be thinking about anything. Like everything is coming to an end or something. It's really hard to explain," I said, sinking down at the table where she had stationed herself during my tour of the cabin.

"I would suggest, then, that you get out of here and go somewhere else. It sounds like you need to do some more thinking, but keep in mind that all of this thinking might just be taking you in circles. At some point you're going to have to talk to one of them. Maybe what you need to do is figure out who you want to talk to first and start there," she suggested.

"Maybe you're right. I just feel like I don't even know where to begin. I mean, I have all of this stuff with Noah and then there's Will and I feel like I'm caught in the middle of them, which makes no sense at all," I said, dropping my head to the tabletop.

I heard her chuckle, then felt her pat my head as she got up to get another cup of coffee. "No one ever said that life was easy, but it sure is a fun ride if you let it be. And no one ever said that you have to solve the world's problems
—
or your own- for that matter
—
in a day. If Will really cares about you, he's going to give you the space and time to figure it all out. And I, for one, would like to remind you that you're only seventeen and you're going to college next year. Who's to say you won't find the love of your life there?"

I picked my head up from where it rested on the tabletop to see her retreating from the room. I groaned, then went to my room to get dressed. Maybe some time down in the barn would help.

I grabbed my cell on the way out of my room, then headed down to the barn. I stopped to visit Lily, climbing up into the hayloft afterward. It was always peaceful up here, and this time of year there was a lot of space. I walked as far back as I could, then sat down, leaning back against a hay bale, and inhaled the scents of the barn.

After taking a deep breath, I turned my cell on and began checking my messages. Every one I listened to was from Will. They began with him apologizing and sounding very sorry for jumping to conclusions that had no basis. But the longer I listened, the angrier his messages became
—
I wasn't calling him back and I was intentionally ignoring him. Then came the messages that varied from suggesting I was breaking up with him to accusing me of sleeping with someone else instead of calling him back.

I was ready to turn my cell back off when I saw a different number in the middle of all the rest. My heart stuttered to a halt and then began a slamming rhythm inside of my chest. It was Noah's number. The number I had waited to see for months that had never shown itself until now.

I didn't know what to do. Should I listen to the message, or just ignore it like I had been ignored for so long? But what if it was something that could help me explain or answer all of the confusion I was feeling? I pushed the button and waited, barely breathing, to see what he had to say.

It turned out not to be much. "Hey, Tori, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. If you need anything or need to talk or something, just give me a call. Okay, um
…
bye, then."

I played it again just to be sure I wasn't missing something in the tone of his voice. Noah had always hated leaving messages and I guessed that hadn't changed, but I still felt like a lot had.